My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

[Emeraldshamrock]

DC are like smelly farts, you can only tolerate your own.

[missbridgerton]

Being a parent is a double edged sword.

I'd kill anyone who even thought about harming one of mine.

Equally I feel that I've sacrificed way too much of myself along the way.

[EarlGreywithLemon]

Other people’s children can be a minefield - you can’t set boundaries with them, you have to be careful not to inadvertently impinge on their parents’ parenting choices, and if you don’t know the kids really well you won’t know what makes them tick, act up, etc.
It’s completely different with your own children - or so I found with our DD. We know her so well, we know what works and doesn’t work with her, we can just be relaxed, silly and ridiculous playing around with her, we can set boundaries, make our own parenting choices etc. In a way the pandemic has helped because we haven’t had well meaning but misplaced interference from family members in making those choices.
She is, for us, the best thing since sliced bread and then some. One laugh or smile from her will make my day. I never felt like that around anyone else’s children, no matter how lovely.

[BrownEyedGirl80]

I once read "children are like farts.You can tolerate your own but can't stand other peoples"

V true!

[MissingLinker]

Obviously, I don't feel the same about other people's children as I do about my own but I wouldn't say it's a universal truth that no one likes other people's children. I quite like children but, specifically, I like reasonably well behaved children which (and I realise how ancient I sound) seem to be an increasingly rare breed.

[Keepcountingyourfingers]

@Ladyofmainlyleisure

You don’t have to want kids.

Yes, they moan, whine, are ungrateful, expensive and disrupt fun adult things.

You love them but don’t always like them.

Get a dog instead is my advise. Childfree and love it!

This is probably the best advice on here.

[Lockheart]

A couple of years ago or so, I went to lunch with an ex. We were meeting a friend of his who had come to visit the city for the day with his family. His friend was married and had three young children (older baby / toddler age through to around 5 or 6).

We went for lunch, and my ex and his friend sat on one side of the table happily eating and chatting away, whilst I sat on the other side with friends wife and children. The poor wife spent the entire lunch either feeding children, cleaning up after children, being climbed on by children, or retrieving children from other parts of the restaurant. I don't think she managed a single bite to eat of her own food.

That was the point at which I decided that would never, ever be my life. My ex very much wanted children and would push it at every opportunity. I think he thought this lunch might make me see how wonderful they were (the children were lovely as people, for the record, but hard work as children often are) - needless to say it didn't go the way he wanted.

[Igglepigglesgrubbyblanket]

Children under the age of three are basically like tiny drunks. Emotional, unreasonable, uncoordinated, demanding and sometimes fun.

[TillyTopper]

I think if you have doubts - and you obviously do - then probably kids aren't for you, or at least not right now. I think you have to want them otherwise they are just a relentless chore.

[Hardbackwriter]

I do think you might be seeing the kids at their worst, too - my toddler is definitely at his worst when I drag him along to meet a friend without children, to the point that I just don't do it (but realise I'm lucky that meeting without him is an option for me, and it wouldn't be if I were single or DH worked antisocial hours etc). It basically forces me into appeasement mode because I can't just take him home if he plays up 10 minutes in (well, I could, but it would be massively rude to the friend who has made the effort to come to meet me) and it's a really boring and frustrating situation for him so it brings out the worst behaviour. It's not a good representation of what day to day life is like with him.

[duchesspodcast]

I think you've really got to want to. There's always a chance that you'll be bringing them up entirely alone - that's the advice I'd give all young women. Also that you may only be allowed to spend 50% of your time with them. Be prepared for both eventualities.

[trilbydoll]

Other people's children are really annoying. I always assume the only people who don't feel like this become teachers. Your own kids are hilarious and super cute though

[Notanotherhun]

I have a 2.5 year old. I miss my old life more and more. Do not have children if you cannot bear the thought of being without a moment's peace. It is relentless, exhausting. Biggest regret of my life.

[dottiedodah]

Woolysock You have it there! My DM used to say "Theres only one perfect child and every mother has it!" Her friends DD used to actually go up to strangers and ask why their child was crying! Needless to say once she had a DC of her own they could do no wrong!(Her attitude towards other peoples DC softened as well!)

[hangsangwitch]

Kids are like farts. You can only really tolerate your own.

[Positivevibesonlyplease]

My DD is genuinely lovely. Always has been. She was a well-behaved child, never had the terrible twos, slept fairly well, engaged well at school and was and is sociable, bright and kind. We were partly lucky, but also provided firm boundaries from the start. That’s the key, I believe.

[LynetteScavo]

I don't really want to spend time with other people's children. However mine are ace, funny, and much better looking than everyone else's, so I don't mind hanging out with them

Having your own DC is nothing like spending time with other people's DC. It's two different things.

[Lochmorlich]

I think most dc can be demanding and whiny.
Mine were no exception.
The thing that annoys me most is parents who allow their dc's to spoil a trip out because they refuse to discipline them and ignore the mayhem they're causing.
Its not always the dc its the parental response.

[homeschoolingyay]

As for the advice get a dog instead. Don't do that. Dogs can be worse. A lovely well behaved dog with no issues is a delight. However if you get one with behavioural problems that pretty much ruin your life - not so great. Generally speaking kids don't wee all over your house, chew up furniture, bark uncontrollably, have a breakdown every time they walk past another child in the street, and they go to school for a large chunk of the day. Dogs on the other hand.... they can do that stuff and they are always there!

[Words]

The more I see and hear children the more grateful I am never to have had any.

I love my own company and the things I enjoy doing simply aren't child-suitable. I am rather selfish and like doing my own thing. I like spending my spare cash on nice things.

I suspect I would also have been a rather unfashionably authoritarian parent. Statements such as "I view my children as equals" ( heard on R4 the other day) fills me with horror.

I had a brief, hormonal wobble in my mid 30s. I am unspeakably glad I re recognised it for what it was, and instead gave a home to a rescue dog, my faithful beloved companion for 18 years.

[meganorks]

Yeah....don't have kids.

[XingMing]

I'd have been in your corner 20 years ago but then I had DS, one only. It is absolutely the best thing I ever did, He's now worth all the aggro of the teen years.

[Hardbackwriter]

I suspect I would also have been a rather unfashionably authoritarian parent. Statements such as "I view my children as equals" ( heard on R4 the other day) fills me with horror.

I think people normally imagine that they will/would have been more hard-line than they are - pregnant women tend to have a lot of ideas about what they'll 'not put up with' that come to nothing - because it's a lot easier to imagine being strict than the reality of actually doing it with the person you love most in the world.

[MacDuffsMuff]

I never wanted children throughout my twenties and early thirties. I changed my mind when I met DH and I'm so glad I did. They are great young people (14 and 17 now) and I wouldn't change them for the world. They were both pretty easy kids though. I have a friend whose son would most definitely have put me off having my own if I had known her before I had mine, but to be fair (and probably judgemental) their parenting has a lot to do with his behaviour. i.e. they don't believe in telling him 'no' because it has negative connotations and should be able to make all his own decisions. He's 12 now and I feel really quite sorry for him because he has no idea how to behave.

Having children isn't for everyone. I'm glad I changed my mind, but I don't believe that I would have had a terrible life if I hadn't. Just different from this one.

[GabsAlot]

as for other people making comments about how u dont understand-well its true really but its just them venting

ive never been so pleased not to have had children this past year it must be horrendous in lockdown