Harassed and excluded by villagers

[thearctic]

Hello

Hoping to get some perspective from writing this down and to hear some other insights. At the moment the only solution seems to be to move house.

We live in a small village and another local family have been harassing us for several years. It began with a falling out over a shared right of way. They attempted to claim it as their own but we were able to prove it is shared. That came to a conclusion a year ago, but the other family seem unable to move on.

They have continued to harass our family and our children. There are verbal attacks, shouting/name calling, verbally abuse towards my children, following and watching us. No opportunity is missed; if we see them, they react.

We avoid them where possible, but there is a playground nearby which we all use. Avoiding them entirely would mean avoiding the playground and my children missing out on playing with friends.

The other family have developed friendships with our other neighbours and those neighbours are now frosty with us. Not all our neighbours, but a small handful.

The police take the view it's a civil matter.

@Myneighboursdomyheadin

I've been applauding you! I think you've offered some excellent professional (within your knowledge) and personal experience.

No proceedings actually started bu them but many solicitor threats of proceedings. We found a further piece of evidence then they stopped. They didn’t concede in writing but took down the structure that was obstructing the right of way and that seemed to be the end of the matter

Would you consider asking if you could make a time to meet with them and talk? Tell them how you feel etc? I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but so often bullies rely on barriers staying up. Worth a try?

I would move.
I know you shouldn’t have to etc etc but it isn’t worth it.

“They didn’t concede in writing but took down the structure that was obstructing the right of way”

I suspected this - no actual concession.
OP I think that they are actually still fighting the first battle by another means.

Presumably you had a property litigation solicitor from him you took property litigation advice but you have no relationship with any solicitor with experience in prevention of harassment? And do you dread the idea of contacting one?

Grrrrrr!

“From whom” not “from him”

Bloody

It's the classic story, Peter Grimes, about a village turning on one person. Benjamin Britten wrote an opera based on it. Village or cul de sac, it's the same basic tale of gossip, suspicion, instigating group hostility, harassment and isolation.

It's obviously taking a heavy toll on you when you are full of dread, anxious and upset about going about your ordinary activities and places. If you can't fortify yourself mentally and emotionally against it, my opinion is that it isn't worth your time, energy and effort to pursue police or court action.
You've already been through a lot, dealing with the access problem. Are you going to sign up for another long and difficult process? Better to be on your way to a calmer and happier life elsewhere. And I'd think carefully about renting out your house as you would still have to be dealing with that house and potentially the neighbours in some form or other. Better a clean break and leave it all behind, would be my view.

Thank you for the brilliant help advice. A lot to think about and I’ll come back on tomorrow.

This thread is helping me get clarity with the ongoing elements of my own situation too :)

We have been blocked from volunteering at the local church because the other family had a word.

In these circumstances I would speak to the minister about this as this strikes me as a very small minded attitude. One would expect a minister to be open minded in the community and to try to mediate rather than prolong a feud. You could also speak to their superior in the church if you get no co-operation. This does not put the church into a very good light especially if it gets into the local media.

Myneighboursdomyheadin

You're good.

Thank you.

So frustrating how my background didn’t stop me being controlled though......... it’s just so different when it happens to you.

Right. You need to find some allies in the village, pronto. A village is never a homogenous mass, it's a seething network of tribes and rivalries. Get chatting with as many people as possible on your daily walks- and don't be afraid to gossip. Gossip is a crucial weapon in this kind of psychological warfare. But do more listening than divulging- when you're having a lovely gossipy chat with someone, just mention the names of the neighbours from hell and see what crops up. This is how you gain ammunition.

I live in a village, and have two sets of horrible neighbours- as well as lots of nice ones. Gossip has kept me sane- knowing that the one set are drug dealers, are on the social service register and are pretty much universally reviled, and that the other drinks a bottle of whisky a day has allowed me to feel a sense of power and control. Don't knock it, it's better than feeling powerless and controlled.

The first bunch have form for shouting at the DC- they have intimidated my lovely neighbours, who live on the other side, to such an extent that they don't let their kids play out any more. Like hell am I going to allow them to affect OUR lives like that! Instead I make a joke of them to the kids- "Ooh, here comes Donna with her noisy revvy exhaust again, at least she gives us lots of warning, ha ha!" etc etc . Turn them into a figure of fun.

In short: YOU are in control. THEY are the crazy ones. Behave as if this is the case, and that is how it will be.

One would expect a minister to be open minded in the community and to try to mediate rather than prolong a feud

You're right, one would - but it doesn't always work out that way, which is why some of us suggested finding out just how complicit they are before plunging in

If it's any consolation, OP, the one thing i have noticed over the years is that those who shout loudly and accuse others of harassment are using the nasty projection trick: get the accusation in before the people who are being harassed. They lost the case and they want to punish you.

“They lost the case and they want to punish you.”

Yep. They probably choose to believe they are victims of an injustice perpetrated by an unhinged woman.

@thearctic

We did install CCTV and they no longer come onto our property to harass us. It's usually from their garden or on the street now.

You know that it works then. In which case, it's definitely worth investing in a bodycam.

OP, did you post about this problem a while back?

I think you can turn yourself inside out thinking of ways to make it work but the fact is, it won't. You won't be happy until you've moved away from these people.

Move, if you can, really truly it is the only way to get rid of that horrible tension/apprehension you're living with 24/7.

If you can't move, follow the excellent second option advice above. I did when I was in your position and it helped somewhat at the time (particularly when insane rumours were being spread about me/us) and has continued to sow seeds of sensible doubt among people who are told utter bollocks about us to this day.

Our neighbours were born, bred and buttered villagers with absolutely dozens of family members knocking about. They had (we later learned) fallen out with 99% of them but it meant that every other neighbour turned a blind eye to the horrors they were perpetuating. At the height of things they literally cut a hole the width of a bench in their own hedge so they could overlook our window and shout abuse more easily.

I am the stubborn type and would probably have stuck it out forever because I tend towards a fuck you attitude but I had a newborn when everything began and my partner's mental health issues were on the decline, I suspect I was far more vulnerable than I knew. don't think I realised how much of a toll the daily grind of living so unpredictable had taken until we were out of it. I stuck it out for 6+ years and kept my head held high every single day of it. In the end, the opportunity arose to move to our favourite house in the village and we couldn't say no.

The first night here I stepped outside to take a break from unpacking and realised; I'm home. And it finally dawned on me that the very worst damage they had done was stopping my beloved cottage from ever really feeling like home. I wish you luck and I wish you strength, for whatever you decide to do next. But above all, I really hope you find a way to get out and get on with living your lives. You deserve happiness.

*living so unpredictably

@CausingChaos2

These people are pathetic bullies. Scum.

Whoever you come across, except them, plaster a smile on your face and give a friendly hello. Even if you believe your nightmare neighbours have slated you to them. People with half a brain will come to their own conclusions.

Carry on going to the playground. Appear carefree and content even if you feel far from it. Knowing they aren’t having an effect on you takes away their power.

I absolutely agree with this. Eventually, other people will realise that you're not the people you've been made out to be.

I'd just film them everytime they do something unpleasant and they will eventually stop.

If is is a village which starts with a letter J - in Bucks, please pm me a couple of my friends have had problems in the same village.

Agree that you shouldn't have to, but I'd move. Life's too short. Friends had nightmare neighbours, with lots of loud arguments, the mum had very aggressive boyfriends and think they were dealing. They did move in the end, only when they got divorced, not sure if that contributed to the break up.

God Lord, I'd start shouting back stating it must have been so upsetting to be very clearly in the wrong that they feel the need to bully children!! What a bunch of arseholes!! I would also try to record this abuse especially when its aimed at your kids!! How close is there house to yours?