Harassed and excluded by villagers

[thearctic]

Hello

Hoping to get some perspective from writing this down and to hear some other insights. At the moment the only solution seems to be to move house.

We live in a small village and another local family have been harassing us for several years. It began with a falling out over a shared right of way. They attempted to claim it as their own but we were able to prove it is shared. That came to a conclusion a year ago, but the other family seem unable to move on.

They have continued to harass our family and our children. There are verbal attacks, shouting/name calling, verbally abuse towards my children, following and watching us. No opportunity is missed; if we see them, they react.

We avoid them where possible, but there is a playground nearby which we all use. Avoiding them entirely would mean avoiding the playground and my children missing out on playing with friends.

The other family have developed friendships with our other neighbours and those neighbours are now frosty with us. Not all our neighbours, but a small handful.

The police take the view it's a civil matter.

Really feel for you. This must be having a big impact on your quality of life. It's awful to think of someone being so nasty that they are having this kind of effect on you.

I'm not sure moving is the answer - and obviously not something that can be done immediately in any case.

I'd focus on building friendships with the people who haven't been poisoned by this nonsense and try to rise above the others. Easier said than done I know.

Gawd, growing up, we had a bitchy neighbour who used to try to intimidate my poor mum. Mum and dad were very quiet and introverts so we never had people round to visit and mum didn’t really make friends with anyone outside of going to work. Mum thought that by avoiding her and not answering back she’d stop being a cow.

One day when I was about 15yrs, the woman accosted me in the town and started her usual raving. However, I’m not my mum and I was so annoyed that she was raving at me whilst I was with my best mate, I let her have it with both barrels and stood right up close to her and yelled back. Probably swore a bit too. 😳

The woman was visibly shocked as none of my family had ever stood up to her before.

She still stood glaring on the doorstep occasionally but she never uttered another word to mum in front of me. Not too long after that, she caught pneumonia and died.

Her husband was a tall skinny bloke who I think was also a bit scared of her too. After she died, he started saying hello occasionally and after my dad died, and they were both widowed, he used to leave his excess veg from his greenhouse in a little bag on mum’s doorstep quite regularly, tasty tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers etc. He eventually died about a year before my mum when they were both mid-70’s.

It's not worth the hassle. Life is too short to be dealing with this kind of behaviour. Let them 'win' and move on.

In a village people know who the nutters are and if they sustain this level of harrassment I bet you're not the first family to have been on their sharp end

The same thought occurred to me; it may even be that others are being frosty not so much because of anything OP's done, but to avoid being next in line

The attitude of the church group is disgraceful (if depressingly predictable) but if you don't want to move yet I'd go with AnnaMagnani's advice ... join in gradually, avoid any spiteful gossip from others and watch better things start to build

For me it would depend a lot on if you feel your DC are likely to suffer as they grow up. One family are unpleasant and dominant but are there ten others who seem ok and have children your DC can play with? I would try to grow friendships with just one or two families at first.

I seriously want to know what kind or vicar/priest/pastor says you can't volunteer at church. I hope you feel welcome to worship if that is your choice.

If you are having trouble volunteering at church, I'd speak directly to the priest/ vicar. I very much doubt that they'd be happy with people being erroneously banned.

Unfortunately in my experience of nasty neighbours, people would rather believe the bad than the good or find out what someone's is like for themselves. That's a flaw in people I really despise.

This family are behaving like playground bullies and rounding up their hangers on. Its quite sad but undoubtedly common as when they are "in" with them, they in turn will be left alone.

As for the church well that speaks volumes about that lot, very judgemental and unchristian.

I'm so sorry you are living like this, please try and ignore it and keep your head up x

@AnnaMagnani

As someone who lives in a village you have 2 options:

1. Move

1. Embrace village life. Get known by key people in the village - volunteer at the fete, the church hall, the bake sales. You don't have to 'get your story out' but it will slowly become known that you are not a nutter, and the key people will remember that your neighbour is a nasty piece of work and when your name comes up, they will respond that they know you and how lovely you were helping out with the litter picking.

I did option 2 a bit half-heartedly and it paid off. You don't even need to put that much effort in.

I like the No2 suggestion here. Their social group will be limited. Get to know other people in the village. It will soon become clear that you know people, have friends coming round, are on the village hall committee, volunteer at the school and get on well with the headteacher, etc, etc. Their dislike of you will come to matter less to you and more people will start to see through them and to want to get to know you. Some of your new friends may bring the situation up, and you can explain the truth to them, which they will then spread around the village. We have a similar situation with a bully neighbour who obviously delights in his bullying. It astonishes me that his life is so empty that he wants to dedicate it to trying to make his neighbours unhappy. The only plus thing is that he is very anti-social, so doesn't appear to have a network of people to badmouth us too. It's bad enough though. Unfortunately, the pandemic makes getting to know people much more difficult. Moving is difficult, expensive and risky.

I know just how you feel.

We've had some of this for the past 6 years since my DH stood as a Councillor. There is a certain local group who just hound him for everything the council does - on social media mostly, but personally and on zoom now too. He's been driven into stress and ill-health as a result. He is standing down now and I only hope it stops then.

I don't understand why some people seem to have a need to hound others for little reason or no reason. And why so many other people buy into their lies regardless of how obvious the truth is. I wish you luck.

Banned from volunteering at church by whom? The vicar??

If the other family has stitched you up, I think it's worth confiding in the local vicar and getting advice about next steps, while offering to become involved in church activities (the non-religious ones if preferred, eg supporting the needy). You might be surprised about how well that works.

Hopefully none of them is Mrs Beamish though

We have been blocked from volunteering at the local church because the other family had a word.

How very Christian!

Living in a village should come with a health warning. So many small minded people who can't bear 'incomers'. We ended up having to get solicitors involved when the guy whose garden abutted our orchard got a digger in and dug out his bank, leaving our land unsupported and a ten foot drop. He was known as the local 'nutter' but that didn't help us. In the end fortunately the council stepped in and he had to get planning permission to build an engineered supporting wall. But it was expensive and stressful for us. He even complained to the local police, so we had a visit from them - complete joke as he was the one doing the harassing. We moved in the end, but it all had to be declared of course. Luckily our buyers seemed to be made of stern stuff.

You have the option of getting involved and volunteering so people can make up their own minds about you, or moving. We now live in a much larger village and have lovely neighbours! So tough, I really feel for you.

@2021optimist

If you are having trouble volunteering at church, I'd speak directly to the priest/ vicar. I very much doubt that they'd be happy with people being erroneously banned.

I agree with this , and if the vicar / priest is seriously taking their side id probably report him as that’s not on at all .

I'm surprised though take some comfort in all these similar stories. I've never encountered anything like it before and thought we had moved to a nice area.

With all the threats to sue we've had from the other family, I am sure if we film them that would be flipped around to us harassing them.

It's chicken and egg. The police/judge would need evidence, yet we can't gather evidence without the risk of harassment accusations. They are always careful not to behave like this when anyone impartial could be around and so there's little chance of their behaviour being witnessed.

The church group gently eased me out by saying that several others wanted to help out and they gradually took over my tasks.

You are living in the plot of a Joanna Trollope novel. If you can't ignore it, I think you are going to have to move. Sell the house to a noisy commune on the way out.

I had a similar situation and it was awful. We moved away for work but kept renting the house. I didn’t feel we could sell because we’d have to disclose the situation. The man eventually died ( he was elderly) and his wife moved away, we then sold. I couldn’t have continued living there with those neighbours. Move away as soon as you can.

I feel for you op, we had similar with a neighbour. She just took against us one day and started making up stories about us to the neighbours, like you we never said anything to anyone about her and I guess people believed her stories but if they're that stupid I don't really care what they think!

She also harassed us every day for about a year, shouting racist abuse at us, looking us up on LinkedIn and emailing our employers, driving straight at us when we were walking the dog, standing outside our house and staring into the windows. We ignored her for ages then one day we were in the garden and she just started screaming at us, it was really weird, completely random stuff and I basically gave it back to her. She called the police luckily the police saw straight through her (they suggested to me this isn't the first time she's done this) and told her that she had to leave us alone and suggested to me that I should film her if she ever comes anywhere near me as she's obviously not very well. She scurries away when she sees me now which makes life much more relaxing! I'm not suggesting you shout back at them like I did but I do think bullies need standing up to. And that's all they are. Hold your head up high and don't let them get to you. Good luck

I feel sorry for you and angry on your behalf. But as you think you want to stay - then either mount a charm bomb on the rest of the village - and out do your neighbour, or ignore the whole lot and make a life of hobbies and interests away from your village. Just use your home as your sanctuary.
I choose the latter. The village and I have an unspoken agreement - neither of us exist in each other’s eyes. Life is quite.

Quiet!

I take a different view from most of the people on this thread.

If the vicar is behaving as you suggest, then contact the bishop. After perhaps a final conversation with the vicar.

I would go back to the police also with any further harassment, or indeed if there is any other thing you can refer the neighbouring family about. Check the complaints procedure or contact the Police and Crime Commissioner.

The other things you could consider are things such as a loud reversing of your car and sounding of the horn one minute before the time at night when it is illegal to do so, noxious but perfectly legal smells.

I wish threatening to sue could be a criminal offence, as people such as Robert Maxwell used it to silence people. However it is not, sadly.

I live in a village and can't stand the gossiping. I ignore it and take everyone on face value. I'd also question the integrity of the person who feels to the need to gossip.
I'm sure you're a nice family and other people recognise that too. I wouldn't move, just keep a record of any incidents and get a cctv set up.

I have to say, I try to think about our nasty neighbour as little as possible, but if he had a heart attack (he's very overweight and middle aged) it would make life much nicer.

I would move. Usually I would say “stand your ground” but really it’s not worth the hassle, you could be much happier somewhere else, it must be horrible worrying about bumping into them.

@thearctic
This is obviously harassment pschological abuse Campaign

You need to get in touch with councilor or MP to support you to take on your case ,to pressure on relevant Authorities,such as the police etc.

You find your local political councillors/MP contact details on the internet or your local council hub place.

Also keep a diary of all the harassment details going on.

You need to have CCTV at your home to record any verbal harrassement etc.

Aswell as recording on your mobile phones any verbal etc harassment ,obviously do this in manner that is not obvious to them,
what you/your family are doing.

All this will be used as evidence in at court/or civil courts.

Also get in contact with Citzens Advice bureau agency for advice on this issue too.

There has been a new law in which harassment which comes under stalker type behaviour ,
A person who stalks /does harassment can be sent to prison for 3 months.

You need to look into this new law against harrassment /stalker behaviour on the internet/get advice about this op.