Harassed and excluded by villagers

[thearctic]

Hello

Hoping to get some perspective from writing this down and to hear some other insights. At the moment the only solution seems to be to move house.

We live in a small village and another local family have been harassing us for several years. It began with a falling out over a shared right of way. They attempted to claim it as their own but we were able to prove it is shared. That came to a conclusion a year ago, but the other family seem unable to move on.

They have continued to harass our family and our children. There are verbal attacks, shouting/name calling, verbally abuse towards my children, following and watching us. No opportunity is missed; if we see them, they react.

We avoid them where possible, but there is a playground nearby which we all use. Avoiding them entirely would mean avoiding the playground and my children missing out on playing with friends.

The other family have developed friendships with our other neighbours and those neighbours are now frosty with us. Not all our neighbours, but a small handful.

The police take the view it's a civil matter.

Bargebill I have a very similar approach. There was no big falling out or character assassination in my village - its just that we moved in 5 years ago with children in secondary school who didn't attend the local catchment schools. Consequently we did not get to know anyone through the usual, easy, least resistance routes of kids growing up in the village, attending pre school, then primary etc etc, and we weren't motivated to make an effort to join stuff - meh. Its completely fine - my dc see their friends (not from the village), we see our friends (not from the village) and life continues as it always did

I am not anti anyone in the village - it just never really 'happened'. We only have one neighbour because we are on the edge of the village where housing density is sparse, so we didn't go out of our way not to get to know people

Life is just way too short fir you to have to put up with this nonsense which could possibly last for decades. I would just move.

I agree with keeping it polite with other villagers.

In a similar situation of gossiping once people got fed up of my silence and decided it was going too quiet they started to ask me questions. Personally I think they liked the drama!

My response every time was "I'm just surprised that xxxxxxx caused X to react such a way"

In your case it's "I'm just surprised them asking is to prove we had shared access, which we did, has caused them to react in such a way"

And that's it. Don't add anything because it gives people more to try and create drama on. With such a simple statement they'll be left thinking "actually ...... " 🤔

Yup move. Sorry I couldn't stand this and the police will not help. It's terribly unfair but cut your losses and move if you can.

Move -fast, life is too short.

My ex lived around the corner from me, before we met. Initially he had a house and I had a house in the same road. I moved into his and rented mine and we had children. We then sold mine and brought a house together in the next village just outside the town and kept his. 12 months after that -things went to shit.
He was removed by the police from the house for hitting me and promptly moved in with the local 'Queen Bee' who was a friend of his from the local big sports group (She was also married -not the OW) but she had a huge house in the town. He told her I had made false allegations and I was a bitch and stopping him from returning home-Queen Bee and I worked together. I took the stance: never complain never explain. So despite him admitting the assault and being given a restraining order -she never knew. She even had a massive go at me at work -so I ended up with time off for stress. Every day off / medical appointment / problem at work-she reported back to him -he knew when I left the house, when I came back. He moved back into his old house and out of hers -I thought things might settle. OMG. Things got worse. Social media -changed names, came off, 6 months off etc -but actually it strangled my support network. I retreated and he emerged.

I woke up one day and realised that in 20 years the kids would have long gone and I would be left with him and his pals and cronies (he had extended family in the area and old school friends)-having this twisted version of the story -poision dripped in the ears of others -you never ever recover from. In 20 years, I would be possibly be single and eldery (I'm 50 now), and walking around Tesco in fear of someone having a go at me or seeing him etc or her or one of his pals.

I left over a long time ago but after a legal battle to relocate with the children. We are 6 hours drive away. We live in a ridculously expensive part of the country now and my huge house will buy me a 2 bed flat here, but for that we are not in the North and in the middle of no where (I love the North by the way!!) but in the South, near a large bustling and thriving city. We live near my family. Not a house he has ever had or lived in. We are staying with family but will buy here in a few months. This is where I GREW up, my friends might have moved away but this is my turf. I strongly believe that in the next 1-2 years it will go one of two ways -he might move here -and harass me here but he has no friends or family here, whereas I have a dream job and family. His parents live 2 hours from me -so he might go there -but still be closer to his chidren. Or he might stay where he is -knowing that now he can say what he likes and everyone will believe him. I can't predict. But as stressful as it was relocating I am thankful.

I thought at the time, I'm strong, I have the law on my side, I know I am acting in the right way -I'm not being forced out of my home etc -but actually there is no winner. He took away my life as I was frightened in my own home. He would tell me I know what time you come home, what time you leave and so on. Restraining order was only for 2 years. It has now expired.

In your case, move move move -village life can be amazing but it can be totally shit.

Lots to think about reading through your replied, thank you everyone.

For the meantime I am going to avoid them completely and remove any opportunity for them to harass us. When I am feeling mentally stronger I'll find other things I can volunteer or help out with, away from the church group.

I wonder if they will get bored if we are just not visible and stay away from village life for a while.

It's incredible the time and energy they invest in making life difficult for us. I know it's pointless trying to understand motives, but I can't see how anyone could be bothered to keep up a vendetta for years on end. All that negative energy ... if only we'd known what we were letting ourselves in for when we bought this house.

Similar story here, OP, we've been the subject of verbal abuse, hounding, lies spreading, all from some newbies who moved here with their bastard dog that attacked ours 3 times. The Police took them to court the 3rd time, but you'd never know that we were the victims....... they've told everyone that I've got MH issues, and as they are the King and Queen Bee of the "village over 50 sad pissheads", they've effectively turned most people against us. We had our house on the market for nearly 5 months last year but we couldn't find anything to rent and had to take it back off.

I used to hate stepping foot outside the door, but I've now got the attitude that I've done nothing to be ashamed of, and if people are so pigshit thick that they'll believe one side of a story, that's on them. Apparently the muzzle and lead on their dog is for "their protection from me" and nothing to do with the Magistrate order. Fucking idiots. The dog has also attacked 3 others since ours, breaking the court order but of course these other owners were all their friends and not one of them reported it.

He's the sort of bloke that shouts and screams abuse at me if he sees me alone, but the Police did talk to him and it was recorded as "anti social behaviour". Report every incident. It all builds a picture.

@AnnaMagnani

Really good advice you have given op
As getting involved in village community life in this way, withat ensure that key players of op local community,will sooner or later see through the spiteful/small minded harassment campaign of trying to make op and her family social outcasts.

The obvious bonus/plus points too are op and her family quality of life will be improved by potentially making new friendships/contact networks, plus new skills being picked up with joining community projects/workshops/classes/courses on favourite interests/hobbies such as crafts etc.

The next door neighbours plans of harassment will back fire on them, and tables will be turned and these toxic neighbours will instead be on the recieving end of being ignored/isolated by the main key players of the community village life.

If you have to move and rent I hope you find tenants who can out bully them and turn the tables. What a lovely thought to see them get their just deserts !

This is one of the many reasons I would never choose to live in a small village!

OH's folks live in one, and his DM is the matriarch and knows every thing about every body. It makes my head spin..mind you I've always lived in London and never known this sort of harassment. I'm sure it happens in towns, but there is more scope to be anonymous and less involved in the 'local gossip'

@thearctic

I also agree with the Poster if you do decide to move op

Make sure you agree to sell your property to the most Noisiest/Anti- social type of people(families),
who will make your next door neighbours lives a living nightmare.

@thearctic

I'm surprised though take some comfort in all these similar stories. I've never encountered anything like it before and thought we had moved to a nice area.

With all the threats to sue we've had from the other family, I am sure if we film them that would be flipped around to us harassing them.

It's chicken and egg. The police/judge would need evidence, yet we can't gather evidence without the risk of harassment accusations. They are always careful not to behave like this when anyone impartial could be around and so there's little chance of their behaviour being witnessed.

The church group gently eased me out by saying that several others wanted to help out and they gradually took over my tasks.

There's nothing 'harassing' about a Ring doorbell if that would help. Or a dashcam in your car

@sneakysnoopysniper

People who have lived in a community for a few years always seem to think they can rule the roost. Its wrong that you cant just get on with your own life without kowtowing to the local lords and ladies.

I cant imagine anything more claustrophobic than living in a village as I am a very private person. I would not have the time, inclination or temperament to be crawling up their backsides and getting involved with the local fete etc.

The less I have to do with neighbours the better as I hate the things. I was brought up in a community where everybody knew everyone's business and hated it. Full of whingers and snitches.

You sound a bit like me. I was born and raised in a country village in a beautiful area but the gossip and snitching and bad-mouthing! As a teenager, my every move was reported back to my parents.

The best day of my life was moving to London and finding anonymity, not loneliness. I loved it and could be myself, accepted for me. London is villagey anyway but more transient and accepting. I’m a private person too and much as I love the look of villages, know I could never live in one again.

I know this sounds crazy but I swear i would do it. I can always remember that program with the guys who had the cameras attached to their fronts. I think it was called Pay or we’ll take it Away. I would get one of those and I would wear it whenever I went out and I would get them on camera. Then when I had enough evidence against them I’d force someone to take action by making a bloody great fuss about it.

I’d look at moving.

round the corner from me, there was a couple who were totally ordinary, decent people. They were harassed by the people in the nearest house to them and ended up moving because of it. Also, my mum used to live in a tiny little hamlet, just a sort of countryside place with a few houses. Someone walking in the area wasn’t picking up their dog’s shit. All the villagers decided that it was my mum (it wasn’t) and they all either didn’t speak to her or shouted at her! It was solely based on the size of dog turd (small) as her dog was small!!!! She did end up moving. I hope they realised they were wrong about the dog shit when my mum moving didn’t solve the problem. Some people are nasty, like school bullies, you can’t change them so you’d be better moving imo.

I've had to NC for this and I sympathise OP. Villages are a nightmare when a group or some of them are unpleasant and then you find allegiances to one group or the other causes trouble for you.

Some villagers take it upon themselves to act like they are more important and worthy. In my village we've had people colluding with their "favourites" and mismanaging money raised from village events not to mention no record of where the "stock" has disappeared to/dwindled.

These same people self appointed themselves into roles that made them look good to others and put on fake niceness and helped with the church but they are the least Christian people ever. They also bullied a lovely family.

Don't worry about trying to get in with the so called in crowd. Take a dignified step back, your kids will be fine and plan a move in the future if you can.

I think it's worth confiding in the local vicar and getting advice about next steps

If they've been complicit in edging OP out I really, really wouldn't recommend this if she values her sanity and wants to avoid an escalation

I don't quite understand the surprise on here that a cleric would turn out to be less than principled and kindly, but sadly it happens - only they do it with soft words and a smile on their faces

OP it took me six months after my abusive neighbour made a false allegation to the police before I “dared” install CCTV but I’m so glad I did. It helps -you can even get ones that record what people say.

Could you pluck up your courage to do this?

My solicitor said “he is controlling you. Either you control him or he controls you”.

Have you ever written to them? There’s a certain tone that works well -it’s like a variant of stuff you get suggested on here.

We did install CCTV and they no longer come onto our property to harass us. It's usually from their garden or on the street now.

for doing that! Well done you!

I think we need to you on the front foot 0P. I know (trust me I really do know) how distressing it is to talk about the details. But can we divide the situation up between the garden and the street?

Can you tell us a little bit more about them harassing you from their garden? A diagram would help.

Or we could approach from another angle which is that you said the most important thing to you is the potential impact on your children.
How old are your kids and what have you told them?

The children are 4 and 9. I have told them sometimes people don't feel well and they behave in ways they shouldn't. We should try to keep our distance until they are feeling better.

It's similar behaviour whether the garden or the street but the worst place is the playground, because I'm not walking by and able to move away. Our children are all playing there. I think for the time being I'm just going to avoid the playground altogether. It's not fair but I just don't want to give it any more of my energy.

I think for the time being I'm just going to avoid the playground altogether. It's not fair but I just don't want to give it any more of my energy.

That's such a shame. Your children are still young enough to move and settle in somewhere else and they are only young fir such a sort time, they really should be in an area where they can go to a playground.

Sorry to keep pushing - I was paralysed with shame during my own bullying experience and I felt awful naming what was happening even anonymously on here :(
What do they do at the playground?