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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She is 18, he is 34!

340 replies

ManyBooksLittleTime · 28/02/2021 09:03

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 01/03/2021 12:51

@thebestnamehere

Well he would be paying the bulk of the cost of the flat surely? An 18 year old won't be earning much. My friend was in a relationship like this with 9 years apart when she was 16. She did it to get away from home. Her boyfriend had also dated her mother. She broke free eventually but was racked with guilt as she felt she owed him as he looked after her. Awful. He was a little controlling. She did separate from him and went on to marry someone her own age
They're both in the same job and she's been in it longer than he has. So unless the employer pays the barest minimum (minimum wage for an 18yo is less than for an over-25), her earnings won't be much different.

Her boyfriend had also dated her mother
This is something I always find weird. Maybe I've just seen too many cases in the paper where some bloke has dated two generations (and in a few cases abused an murdered the third generation). Grim.

Back to the case of the OP's daughter though, it's not the age gap which is the problem. You can be with a useless manipulative idiot of your own age, just as you can be with a useless manipulative idiot 15 years older. It's the "useless manipulative idiot" bit which is the issue. Still lives at home at 34? Didn't have a job when we had full employment? Definitely falls into the useless idiot category. The forgetting milestone birthdays could be signs towards the manipulative category too.

Teenagers are stubborn though. Just as virtually every poster on the thread has said, the best approach is to be polite to the man, invite him around for Sunday dinner etc. That way the thrill of rebelling against one's parents goes away. Trying to break them up will push her away from you and she won't feel able to use you as a safety net when the scales do fall from her eyes.

Bleughbleughbleugh12 · 01/03/2021 13:23

I’ve also been your daughter. Except I will now have to live with it for the rest of my life. Unfortunately I don’t think anything anyone could have said to me at that age would have made the slightest bit of difference. The older I get the weirder I feel about it though. The single most important thing I’ve done is work on myself, my self esteem and can see now it wasn’t my fault. I really wasn’t young enough to understand! And I echo a PP please please have the contraception chat!

Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 01/03/2021 13:33

I've never known so many MNers to be in so much agreement! So much great advice. As much as it kills me, I think I am going to have to be nice to him. I am also going to tread really carefully and think carefully each time I talk to my daughter.

I do hope they can't get a flat due to lack of refs. Lots of you asking about the area. It's a commuter town to London, so v expensive. A one bedroom flat approx 1 k a month.Unfortunately, she has saved 2 k through sheer hard work and birthday money. This could be used as a deposit. Sadly, pregnancy was top of my worries as well and lots of you also commenting on this. I will be talking to her asap about contraception. Pregnancy would just be horrific.
She is very switched on and motivated in regards to wanting a particular job. She is in the process of online tests and interviews. This would lead to an apprenticeship with a degree and is something she has wanted for over 10 years. She has a couple of really close friends- I don't know if she has told them his age- she hasn't seen them because of lockdown. She is so bored! I think this is a warped sense of excitement. I don't think she sees it as settling down, but as of having a flat mate. I really hope she can go out with friends soon and be distracted from this weird relationship. The problem is, she sees it as her only form of socialising.

OP posts:
PetesBigSausagePizza · 01/03/2021 13:45

OP is this your usual username?

If it isn't so there are nor worries about her with previous posting history would you consider letting her read this thread? Or maybe ask her to start her own?

people other than her mother who have been through this might be able to offer a different outlook that she might consider.

This will ruin her social life with her friends but she may not see it that way she probably hasn't been allowed a social life for so long. Sad

It will be so depressing for her when she grows up and starts to see through him. The delightful immaturity is not nearly so sweet when you've got a baby and a house to clean.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/03/2021 16:11

Re contraception maybe try and word it as you’ve read hideous things about hormonal pill types and what does she think about the implant ... one less thing to remember and one less worry as she doesn’t have to remember to take anything

BabyBee93 · 01/03/2021 18:53

@ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt what an atrocious thing to say. That comment turned my stomach, shame on you

BabyBee93 · 01/03/2021 18:56

@ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt FWIW, 18 is not a child. It's an adult. Also, nothing in my post suggests that I actually agree with the age gap; I simply stated that OP cannot control that element of her daughter's life anymore because, y' know, she's an adult?

HavelockVetinari · 01/03/2021 19:02

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

I think you need to empower her. Tell her you trust her to make her own decisions and that if she ever changed her mind or needed any support you're there.id tell her that his age is a bit of a red flag because without knowing him, him choosing an 18yr old indicates he prefers a certain power balance and a more vulnerable partner rather than an equal one. But you trust her to protect herself from that if it later becomes clear that is the case. Tell her you'll follow her lead because it's her decision and you'll always try to be fair to him and give him a chance out of respect for her.
This is the perfect advice. You can't stop her, but you can make sure she keeps communicating with you so she's got somewhere to run to if it goes badly.
requitalissima · 01/03/2021 19:11

OP, I was 36 when I had a most glorious fling with a 18-year-old chap. I promise it was enjoyed, tremendously, by both parties.
Let it be.

fairgame84 · 01/03/2021 19:21

Im a product of one of these age gap relationships. My dad is 20 years older than my mum. My dad has a daughter the same age as my mum and my grandad is 3 years older than my dad.
According to my parents, my mums family did not support the relationship and ostracised her from the family which only pushed them closer together.
My mum was 18 when they married, apparently she was 16 when they got together.
They are odd, similar to what a previous poster said about her MIL/FIL, they are very insular and anti social. My mum is old before her time. My mum had an abusive childhood according to her, however my aunts/uncles say its not true.
They are my parents but I think it's grim. I think if they had got together now instead of in the 80s they would have faced even more backlash because it's just not acceptable.

Just be there for your daughter and hopefully it will fizzle out. Don't push her away and even further into his grasp.

MrMahoneysPants · 01/03/2021 19:37

@requitalissima

OP, I was 36 when I had a most glorious fling with a 18-year-old chap. I promise it was enjoyed, tremendously, by both parties. Let it be.
🤮🤢🤢🤮🤢
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/03/2021 19:40

@requitalissima

OP, I was 36 when I had a most glorious fling with a 18-year-old chap. I promise it was enjoyed, tremendously, by both parties. Let it be.
He could have been a sixth former. Grim.
ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt · 01/03/2021 19:47

The op's daughter was y'know not old enough to buy cigarettes or a lottery ticket or a bottle of wine when the man started dating her. So calling the OP's behaviour pathological for parenting a child who was still young enough to be living at home whilst not commenting on the predatory shitshow her daughter is dating certainly implies approval.

OP, I was 36 when I had a most glorious fling with a 18-year-old chap. I promise it was enjoyed, tremendously, by both parties. Let it be.

Hmm Nothing sexier than a boy that's never seen a boob. Hmm Envy

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 01/03/2021 19:53

Wow. I could have be sacked for having sex with an 18 year old in the job I had when I was 25. We were expected to know better. It’s just as vile when it’s a 36 year old woman and an 18 year boy as when the genders are reversed.

AnaisNun · 01/03/2021 19:59

Been where your DD is, OP.

I was just 17, he was 27. I was much more dynamic, go getting and ambitious than him. He still lived at home and had no desire to do anything else. I got him a job at the family business and tried to encourage him to grow up. Usual scenario.

In the end we broke up - well I broke up with him- and it was awful, really really awful.

But not as awful as the feeling I got 10 years later when I heard he was still dating 17 year old girls (heard rumours that he’d actually groomed a younger girl but never dug into it. It was too disturbing) and as an adult now I can’t understand now why my DM didn’t put a stop to me seeing him. He was an adult. I was still at VI form- in school uniform!- and if I’m being honest, I felt failed by my DM.

You’re right to step in. She might not thank you now, but she will 10 years down the line.

Magnificentmug12 · 01/03/2021 20:04

I did this to my parents. I was 18 and he was 32. I didn’t listen to them and felt they didn’t understand me as I was in “lurrrvvvee”.

God I look back at it now and it makes me cringe! My current partner also knows about him and hates him, would have a stern word to say if he ever come across him apparently.

So embarrassing looking back but at the time your young, think you know it all and don’t listen to “old” parents.

Your gonna have to just ride the tide as I doubt she will see sense. Just hope it all falls apart and be there for her when it goes to pieces.

secular89 · 01/03/2021 20:12

I was 18 when I met 40yo DH, my parents were like you, i didn't see my dad for two years because he couldn't accept him

No offence, but, could you blame him?

You would be upset if it was your own daughter.

RootyT00t · 01/03/2021 20:15

He is not a dirty perv, for a start.

The fact he makes her cry is the problem here.

MrMahoneysPants · 01/03/2021 20:17

He is not a dirty perv, for a start.

Men that date 17 year olds are dirty pervs.

RootyT00t · 01/03/2021 20:27

@MrMahoneysPants

He is not a dirty perv, for a start.

Men that date 17 year olds are dirty pervs.

It wouldn't be my chosen age gap and as I say the making her cry is the problem but there's nothing to suggest he's a dirty perv!.

I feel for you though OP. She's obviously lied because she knows it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/03/2021 20:27

@RootyT00t

He is not a dirty perv, for a start.

The fact he makes her cry is the problem here.

Fair enough if you disagree with that particular phrase. But men in their thirties who date 17 year old girls / 18 year old women are not decent or well adjusted men in most people's opinion.
BabyBee93 · 01/03/2021 20:30

@ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt so because I called the OP out and didn't pass comment on the age gap I am "an adult on a parenting website promoting sexual relationships with children"? Truly horrifying thing to accuse someone of. I'm a person and a mother behind this phone. You're disgusting

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 01/03/2021 20:48

@Itsjustaride8w737

MyLittleOrangutan

More fool you for marrying such a creep.
Bet you have to watch him like a hawk around teenagers 🤮

Oh do piss off!! There's 18 years between me and my Partner. He isn't a creep and no I don't have to watch him like a hawk around teenage girls. He has is eye on one person and that's me the love of his life!! There was 10 years between me and my exH I was 19 when we met, got engaged 5 months later on the provision we waited 3 years until we got married. The age gap had nothing to do with us separating either.
ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt · 01/03/2021 21:12

No, you called out a parent for parenting and protecting their child from a sexually deviant man.

ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt · 01/03/2021 21:16

I'm a person and a mother behind this phone.
So is the Op, and and she is asking for help for her daughter who is an abusive relationship. Maybe you could find it in yourself to care about her ? No, you are just annoyed someone pointed out you're behaviour is inappropriate