She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

TBH I think most 18 year old women will likely be more interested in an older man if they want a serious relationship.

You think most 18 year olds wanting a serious relationship would therefore want to date a 34 year old?! Catch yourself on!

What you're 18, someone 24 seems 'older'.

Well adjusted, decent 34 year olds don't date 18 year olds. Or 17 year olds which OP's daughter was when they starting dating. Even more grim.

@SummerWhisper

So many blood-red flags:

• Two dates that daughter orgainsed and paid for
• In love already
• Daughter has to organise his employment
• Moving in together already
• Ignores her 18th birthday (doesn't want to spend his money?)
• Ignores valentine's day (ditto re his money)
• Happy to call your daughter a liar to you regarding his age
• No capability to manage his life

He is really worrying me. Please, check up on his past some more.

His family probably can't believe their luck in getting rid of him - to an innocent and trusting young woman with prospects. My flesh is crawling.

Add onto that:

• Lives in family of 9 and doesn't like it
• Has drifted between low paid jobs
• Isn't keen to delay until DD finishes her college course
• Doesn't drive

You're not alone in your flesh being crawling

If he treated her well and you could see that your Dd was happy then I don’t think his age should be an issue. I have a couple of friends who have husbands they have been married to since their late teens/early 20s and their marriages work because their husbands aren’t controlling a**eholes
It is the control and deliberately making her unhappy that I think is the biggest problem

May be get her to do the Freedom Programme so she can spot the manipulation.
Otherwise I would be slapping on a smile and welcoming him as now being part of the family and then when she is at her happiest slowly and discreetly ask a question about something that gets her thinking about the relationship.

If you come out with all guns blazing then you will lose.
If you don’t let on that you know he is older and don’t blink when she introduces him

I also disagree that most 18 year olds are
looking for much older men for serious relationships! I can distinctly remember a recent divorcee who was 35/36 hanging around my friends and I when we were 21-25 and trying it on with every single one of us, looking for a new “trophy wife”. He was a good looking guy with his own house and business but we all thought he was middle aged, desperate, creepy and we were much interested in lads our own age who surprise,
surprise... also had jobs, cars, prospects,
good levels of intelligence and maturity and were on similar wavelengths to us. There was no competition. 18-24 was a “cool”
age gap, 17/18-34 would have been seen as quite gross and we’d have been giving our friend a good talking to. When I was almost 16 year old considering a relationship with a 19/20 year old my peers voiced their strong disapproval and made me see sense that he wasn’t captivated by how oh so mature and stunningly beautiful I was but he just wanted yet another naive virgin to manipulate, boost his ego and use for few weeks then dump.

I’d definitely go along with the idea that back then we saw men in their 30s+ as a bit naff. I cringe now I’m 30+ but if we walked into a club and saw it full of over 30s we’d declare it “full of oldies” and leave in search of somewhere a bit cooler!

I have been this 18 year old.

My Dad freaked out and it massively raised the stakes. I thought I loved said man, and that he loved me. I wasn't prepared to lose face. My parents made me chose, and I chose him.

After a while, things calmed down. My parents, I think, decided it was better to have him on side. So much so, they didn't see what was going on. I was exploited for most my of my early twenties. Financially, emotionally and sexually. I didn't see it that way at the time, and no one else knew. In their willingness to not push me (further) away, my parents were manipulated by him too.

It took a lot to get out of that, and it changed the course of my life and hampered many future relationships. You are right to be concerned.

Delaying moving in is wise. That's a step that can't easily be retracted. Without making it about him, I'd point out how much better off she'd be financially if she waited, that any new relationship needs time, that they'd be able to get a much better place together and start their lives on a better footing if they waited. Ask her what he thinks. Make clear that it's possible to love someone (so she doesn't have to back track) but still disagree with them and that that's how healthy relationships work. Calm, calculated, inclusive long game stuff.

And whatever you do, don't become complacent in a belief that things are fine even if they seem to be. Always be there, always asking, never judging. If she does move out, invite her home for the weekend to 'spoil her' from time to time. Keep her trust and the relationship with her strong. She is likely to need you.

I do know of one relationship with a similar age gap that is going strong 20 years later and has been supportive, loving and fruitful for both parties. But I'd say they are rare. There are lots of warning signs hear. Tread carefully and good luck.

Well adjusted, decent 34 year olds don't date 18 year olds. Or 17 year olds which OP's daughter was when they starting dating

No, they don't.
Manipulative men who want to 'build' or 'rebuild', as I've seen on here, a teen into what they want will.
A teen does not have the skills to recognise this and it will most often make them feel special and 'mature' until the older man/woman is the only voice they'll listen to.
They may think themselves 'happy' because they will know no different having been moulded into what the predator wants them to be.

@NameChangedForThisFeb21

I also disagree that most 18 year olds are looking for much older men for serious relationships! I can distinctly remember a recent divorcee who was 35/36 hanging around my friends and I when we were 21-25 and trying it on with every single one of us, looking for a new “trophy wife”. He was a good looking guy with his own house and business but we all thought he was middle aged, desperate, creepy and we were much interested in lads our own age who surprise, surprise... also had jobs, cars, prospects, good levels of intelligence and maturity and were on similar wavelengths to us. There was no competition. 18-24 was a “cool” age gap, 17/18-34 would have been seen as quite gross and we’d have been giving our friend a good talking to. When I was almost 16 year old considering a relationship with a 19/20 year old my peers voiced their strong disapproval and made me see sense that he wasn’t captivated by how oh so mature and stunningly beautiful I was but he just wanted yet another naive virgin to manipulate, boost his ego and use for few weeks then dump.

I’d definitely go along with the idea that back then we saw men in their 30s+ as a bit naff. I cringe now I’m 30+ but if we walked into a club and saw it full of over 30s we’d declare it “full of oldies” and leave in search of somewhere a bit cooler!

Exactly. When I was a teenager men that age seemed ancient. They might as well have been 50. When you hear very young women say they like 'older men' what they usually mean is 5 or at most 10 years older, not nearly twice their age. When I was at university one of my classmates was supposedly dating a lecturer who would have been about 35. We all thought it was completely bizarre and creepy. The vast majority of us had boyfriends aged within about 5 years of our own age. A nearly middle aged man pursuing teenagers would have seemed creepy to us, probably because that is what he was.

When I was 18 I was seeing a 36yo. It wasn't wierd, or creepy. It was a short relationship that I still treasure 20 years later.
However, he owned his own home and a couple of others. He had a full time job (as did I)
I think your main issue here is his immaturity, lack of care and mainly, why is a man his age unemployed, living at home and lacking in social skills? I'd put my money on he's done jail time.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

TBH I think most 18 year old women will likely be more interested in an older man if they want a serious relationship.

You think most 18 year olds wanting a serious relationship would therefore want to date a 34 year old?! Catch yourself on!

What you're 18, someone 24 seems 'older'.

Well adjusted, decent 34 year olds don't date 18 year olds. Or 17 year olds which OP's daughter was when they starting dating. Even more grim.

I think that most women who at 18 are looking for a really serious relationship will end up dating young men who are somewhat older than 18.

Because 18 year old men looking for that kind of relationship are rarer than 18 year old women who are.

Lots of women and men at that age are just looking to date, and even dating exclusively is not quite the same thing.

Mind you, I don't really think the OPs daughter is in that group, she sounds immature rather than ready to settle down. But the things that suggest that aren't particularly about the age of either of them, they are about their behaviour, and would be concerning whatever their ages.

Since when is a 34 year old a young man?!
Especially in comparison with an 18 year old.

I think it’s really very sad that an 18 year old would want to “settle down”. Settle down after what? School? Such low expectations.

@ Quit4Me “Yes and no. My Nan met her husband when she was 17 and he was 33 so exactly the same gap. They were happily married for 60 years until he died in his 90’s.”

That is a happy story. But in your Nan’s day 17 was more mature in that girls were brought up to get married, have children and run a home at a young age. Your grandfather was most likely 33 because he had been working very hard to establish himself enough to be able to provide for a wife and family.

This man does not sound strong, independent, or reliable.

It does seem though that everyone is giving good advice that there is nothing the OP can really do except make sure her daughter does not feel pushed away. The delay is a wise plan too.

Only two dates ! This is not a real relationship. Who will rent him a flat with his lack of employment record? Is rented property cheap and plentiful in your area? Where will the deposit come from? Will his family fund it to get him out their house ? What on earth do her girlfriends think about this? Is it common locally for girls to cohabit with boyfriends so young?

I think it is very very weird that you have stalked him and paid someone to track him down

Your daughter is 18. She's an adult and gets to make her own choices, the further you close in on her the further she will push you away. Like it or not, you are not in control of her life any longer and you need to deal with that. Invading her privacy by paying someone to track down her boyfriend is very pathological and troubling behaviour (I suspect you know this otherwise you wouldn't have kept that from her)

Suck it up and get over yourself. She will love you more for it

This sounds awful @ManyBooksLittleTime I can see why you are worried. Average 34 year old men aren't interested in just turning 18 year olds. They shouldn't have much in common. And he should see the balance of power could be off.

Yes, there will be people like on this thread who had a good experience, however, we also don't know behind closed doors more than what they are saying. And there's a well known risk factor in the domestic abuse support world where teen partners of partrners who are much older do more often experience power inbalances and toxic and abusive relationships. Not all, of course, but there is something to it.

The challenge is, she may be more drawn to him the harder you try. I'd absolutely agree to try to ensure they don't live together until she's done college. Is she hoping to to go Uni? It would be awful for her to throw her plans away because he's on a different path.

Empower her, help boost her confidence, talk about healthy relationships, be there for her, connect with her, be her safe person she can speak to about anything without judgement. She will need you.

I have also been that 18 year old, OP (well, actually 17 year old). I still suffer from the fallout decades later.

This whatever you do, don't become complacent in a belief that things are fine even if they seem to be. Always be there, always asking, never judging. If she does move out, invite her home for the weekend to 'spoil her' from time to time. Keep her trust and the relationship with her strong. She is likely to need you is good advice.

I got precious little support, despite a 'good' background and made some awful decisions. It's a cliche, but just be there when she needs you.

I think it is very very weird that you have stalked him and paid someone to track him down confused

She didn't pay someone to find him. She paid to use a search function that gives you his age. I think it's VERY VERY WEIRD that you are on a parenting site advocating adult sexual relationships with children myself.

I think I'd be more concerned that at his age he still does not have his life together, but had already started future faking to her. I'd be worried whether she was 18 or 38 in this case, to be honest.
My ex is in a relationship with a 19 year old woman at the moment (he is closer to 50). I swear, the majority of time she sounds way more mature than him. I feel bad for her, but exactly because she seems to be looking up to him for maturity, stability and wisdom - and he's a honorary citizen of Neverland.

Gosh most people are so judgy and think one size fits all! Predators can come in all shapes, sizes and ages! My partner didn’t groom or chase me, I was the one doing the chasing more than him if anything. I did have a relationship with someone closer to my own age and moved in with him. I had to leave my first job as he accused me of sleeping with all the guys there and repeatedly phoned the office to check up on me! I moved to a different city with him. He mentally and physically abused me. One day when he was at work I packed my things and left and never looked back! I had to leave my new job as he stalked me there.
I then met my new guy in a bar and he wasn’t interested at first perhaps due to my age. But after my persistence we finally got chatting, swapped numbers and became friends. We didn’t date till a few months later.
Yes maybe I went looking for an older guy because I’d had such a rubbish relationship before but I would rather be with an older guy who treats me great than a younger one who treated me worse than something on the bottom of his shoe! I’m not saying all younger guys are like that but also not all older guys are what a lot of people on here are saying. It is possible for 2 people of pretty much any age to have things in common and find a spark. I see some age gap couples that I’d never even tell there was 10 years difference because one/both looks older/younger than they actually are! So is ‘how old are you?’ The first thing people ask when they meet somebody? The could have clicked before knowing the age!
Anyway, this all said, I won’t lie, I would be very nervous if my daughter got into a relationship with such a big age gap at such a young age but I would tread cautiously and keep an eye on it, as I would with any relationship at thy age tbh!

@ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt

I think it is very very weird that you have stalked him and paid someone to track him down confused

She didn't pay someone to find him. She paid to use a search function that gives you his age. I think it's VERY VERY WEIRD that you are on a parenting site advocating adult sexual relationships with children myself.

What a disgusting thing to accuse someone you don’t even know of!

Why did he lie about his age?

@MuddleMoo

Why did he lie about his age?

If you’re on about OP, I don’t think he lied I think the daughter lied about it to her parents.

He’s mid 30s, lives at home, could only get a job with the help of his girlfriend- who he treats badly
What parent of an 18 year old would be happy with that?
Unfortunately you will have to leave her to figure it out for herself and hope she doesn’t get pg anytime soon

He sounds disgusting and an absolute loser to boot. He will try and tie her down by getting her pregnant. You’re going to have to play this carefully and smart if you want her to leave quickly before anything too serious happens. If you go in guns blazing she’ll draw closer to him.

Has she got any mates you can speak to? Maybe if she hears he’s a loser from peers she may rethink.

Who will rent him a flat with his lack of employment record?

Good point

I don't know what the social housing situation is where OP lives, but let's just hope his next idea won't be to get her pregnant ...