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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think personal responsibility no longer exists

609 replies

Wondermule · 27/02/2021 20:15

I know this is going to be a controversial post, so I’ve got my hard hat on 🪖

It has really dawned on me how little personal responsibility people take now. Every other thread seems to be someone posting to offload their problems (financially dependant relationship, COVID worries due to high BMI, hellish mother in law among the most common) yet there is always an excuse about why they can’t the advice given, usually drip feeding something about anxiety or mental health. Please don’t see this as me making light of mental health issues (sufferer here myself), but it doesn’t change the fact only you can make changes to your life.

Also many posts citing ‘lack of support’ - this one inspired by the chocolate button debacle! - a mum feeding her 3 month old chocolate buttons just didn’t have the ‘support’ or ‘education’ to make healthy choices apparently. Never mind the healthy start vouchers for fruit and veg, maternity grant, free weaning courses at children’s centres, all the help available online... it’s all the state’s fault. I feel ‘lack of support’ will be cited until the government send someone to prepare all her meals and police her shopping trolley.

I feel in being too sympathetic, it is just providing excuses for people not to take responsibility for their own choices. Or am I wrong??

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 28/02/2021 16:55

@NiceGerbil

I have never worked with someone who had 7 grandparents die!

If someone is taking the piss their managers should be taking action.

This in spades. Ineffectual managers breed all kinds of problems and piss takers. Nothing to do with a decline in resilience or personal responsibility.
MercyBooth · 28/02/2021 16:55

@Housing101 The homelessness that is on the way will be due to these lockdowns.

I live in social housing and im childfree by choice. Because it is deemed that childless people dont need as much space, self isolating from my DH in a one bedroom flat should i catch Covid would be impossible. And my phone is too old for the Track and Trace app. We cant have it all ways can we. In a pandemic it has been proven that these policies have had massive consequences.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 28/02/2021 17:00

A recent survey reported by the Guardian concluded that 25% of people believe that those who have lost their jobs during the pandemic are to blame for lack of productivity. I found that interesting.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/02/2021 17:03

Because they live their lives in an online bubble and instant gratification. Spend their lives being told feelings are bad rather than actually feeling them and learning to cope with negative ones. They think they are entitled to only highs and not lows but you need them both to function as a healthy adult.

I've had young people starting work thinking being asked to put their phones in lockers during shifts is akin to abuse.

sammylady37 · 28/02/2021 17:06

I agree op re personal responsibility or lack thereof. A lot of this I feel is down to bulldozer parents clearing the path ahead of all obstacles for their DC, instead of helping them navigate them.

A few examples I can think of:

Am not in the UK so I don’t know if there’s a similar set up there, but where I’m from we did ‘mock’ exams prior to the state ones- a few months ahead of the state ones, marks counted for nothing but it gave the students the opportunity to sit a paper under exam conditions, weed out mistakes re timing etc etc. Anyway, one friend of mine failed her history exam because she did badly on two of the sections and didn’t attempt the third at all. The third section was all about ancient civilisations. Her mother arrived in to the school literally shouting at the teacher that it had been an unfair exam... “how would she (the student) possibly know anything about Ancient Rome?!” Ehh, maybe because it’s on the curriculum and has been covered in class? But no, her precious DD (with no SEN, btw) hadn’t bothered studying adequately, yet it was an unfair exam.

My sister has a tendency to mollycoddle her son, now 21. About 2 years ago, we were all going to an outdoor event. The weather wasn’t great and it was expected to rain. He had left home without his coat. At this stage, we were all gathered in another family member’s house. The son was not particularly concerned, wasn’t making any attempt to sort out the situation and was idly looking at something online. My sister was fretting, asking family members if they had spare jackets, trying to find something that would fit and generally getting more stressed by the minute. She said in exasperation “when will you learn to bring your coat with you?” and she looked utterly shocked when I said he’d learn to do it when he had to deal with the consequences himself, instead of her sorting it out for him. She looked at me like I’d suggested clubbing a baby seal to death when I suggested he go to the event without a coat and end up getting wet if it rained. It would t be pleasant for him but it wouldn’t kill him and he would learn a lesson about preparing adequately for the weather. Sadly, she wouldn’t listen and sorted out spares for him, and is still picking up after his thoughtlessness 2 years later.

A junior colleague was late submitting his overtime claim form, so it didn’t get paid in the next pay period. His mother rang in berating the payroll officer, despite the fault being entirely her son’s.

Lastly, Irish posters will be familiar with a fairly high profile case from the last year or two. A politician called Maria Bailey was in a hotel on a girls night out. The hotel have a swing in an indoor area in the hotel, and loads of people pose on it for photos. Maria sat on it, after having a few drinks, and while holding a drink in each hand, therefore being unable to hold the swing properly. She then fell off. She submitted a personal injury claim, saying she had “severe injuries” and couldn’t run for 3 months afterwards. However, she was stupid enough to post on her social media a mere 3 weeks later about having completed a 10k run in time not far off her usual time. In her claim, she said there were no instructions and no supervision of the swing. A swing. Something two year old children can manage but this adult in a position of responsibility wanted instructions and supervision?? She was eventually pressured by her party to drop the claim, but not before she did a PR disaster of an interview on national radio. She has reared her head again in the last week or so, and still is blaming everyone and anyone except herself for what happened.

weightedblanketlove · 28/02/2021 17:08

I think we should be questioning why do many are citing anxiety as ' an excuse'. I don't think it's just the way kids are brought up, I think society has changed and what is expected is different. Schools push kids more and the emphasis is on passing exams rather than getting an education.

The work place has changed in the 20 years I have been working so every job seems to be about maximising profit or minimising costs. Staff aren't replaced and more demands creep on. Parents have to work two jobs to survive raising the stress and emotional availability for children, leaving parents burnt out trying to juggle life.

Kids are over scheduled and supervised but it's frowned upon to turf your child out onto the street all day like it's the 1950s. I'm shocked that primary school kids are walked/dropped off school until year 6. I walked from about 8 the mile or so journey by myself. We live in a litigious/blaming society where people are scared of getting sued.

We have created this. It's easier to point the finger and blame parents though.

MercyBooth · 28/02/2021 17:12

Heres an example of personal responsibility. We are on a pre payment meter. We have ALWAYS kept it well topped up. We were told to make double sure of it at the start of the first lockdown. So we did. But two months ago EON got hacked. People couldnt top up on the app or with keys or cards. Our key took the money in the shop but it wouldnt go on the meter. EON were telling people to keep going round different shops to try and get new keys making a mockery of stay at home. None of the shops we tried had a key so EON sent one out to us. NOW here is where they change their tune on the aforementioned personal responsibility. NOW we have to run our electric right down before we try the new key as it may wipe out what is already on the meter. We are nearly there but what if the new key doesnt work. They have already left a disabled man without electric for five days. They kept sending someone else blank cards.
So my decision is this................Pimlico Plumbers have a no jab no job policy. Well mine is No juice No jab. If the electric goes (through their incompetence) so does my lockdown compliance. And my willingness to take the vaccine.

we TOOK personal responsibility. But it doesnt always work.

AnneElliott · 28/02/2021 17:13

Yes I do think there's less personal responsibility in recent times - particularly during Covid.

The number of people on here and elsewhere which were screaming that the Govt had killed people by allowing mixing at Christmas. By Christmas we all knew about Covid and its risks and so if people met each other they were making their own risk assessment surely? The idea that people were dying because the Govt 'allowed' mixing is really odd to me.

Lots of legal things that I think are too risks so I don't do them.

malificent7 · 28/02/2021 17:16

I pride myself as a hard worker....i worked very hard at schoolnand at university. I also worked hard as a teacher but could not cope with unrealistic workload and politics.
Imo the modern workplace makes people mentally ill...employers want their pounf of flesh and are quite prepared to run workers into the ground for very little reward. Who wants that?

WhoStoleMyCheese · 28/02/2021 17:20

@MercyBooth Were you seriously expecting to be given a 2 bed flat for just two people? that's one bedroom per person Hmm

MercyBooth · 28/02/2021 17:27

No of course not. Im just pointing out that it does make it a bit awkward for isolating. It IS very telling though that THATS the one of my posts you have responded to. More concerned about the fact that i might be a social housing scrounger than the fact i might lose my electric in a pandemic through no fault of my own despite taking the personal responsibility that is so lauded on this thread.

MercyBooth · 28/02/2021 17:29

i havent had children
we arent in any debt. We just couldnt afford a home of our own thats all. But Thank You for the reminder that we arent all in this together despite what the propaganda says.

MercyBooth · 28/02/2021 17:35

I really dont know how some will cope when faced with the bill and the housing problems that will ensue due to these lockdowns. Of course that Guardian poll is proof that members of the public will blame other members of the public for the lockdowns we didnt ask for and despite screeching at us to stay at home.

There is a huge amount of people who are only interested in the vulnerable when they can use them to emotionally blackmail others. Which is what ive noticed.

People talk about long Covid but the litmus test will be when the people suffering with it start applying for PIP. I wonder if so many will still believe the sufferers of long Covid then

toconclude · 28/02/2021 17:37

@DemolitionBarbie

So when problems like obesity occur, it's because people have en masse become lazy and feckless, with no structural root cause like supermarkets deliberately getting people to overbuy unhealthy food?

Kids these days are born into a caged existence, supervised massively more than previous generations, way more exam pressure, student debt, impossibility of finding a steady job and affordable home let alone anything like a balanced family life. No wonder they're dependent. We made them that way because it suited us.

False dichotomy. Obesity is not a new phenomenon y'know. As for how kids are brought up, speak for yourself. I didn't bring mine up that way.
WhoStoleMyCheese · 28/02/2021 17:41

@MercyBooth that was your first post made it seem like.
In your case it is the company not taking personal responsibility..even extended to no specific person in charge taking responsbility

WhoStoleMyCheese · 28/02/2021 17:42

@malificent7 agreed!
Every profession that pays a decent wage is several professions rolled into one.. not just doing the job but also 'netowrking', constantly'innovating', etc etc.
Can't just do your job and go home can you...

MercyBooth · 28/02/2021 17:43

Yes exactly. Someone there is not taking the responsibility they agreed to take on with the job.

Redrunbluerun · 28/02/2021 17:43

Nothing is ever anyone’s fault anymore. Drives me mad! Totally agree Op.
I’m a big believer in personal responsibility.
I had a shit upbringing and my siblings got into drugs.
It was still their choice. I chose not to.
We all have difficult things to navigate.

MercyBooth · 28/02/2021 17:45

Actually my first post was this one

MercyBooth Sun 28-Feb-21 00:03:13
Cool OP So lets lift lockdown now so people can take the personal responsibility

Nicolastuffedone · 28/02/2021 17:46

You see it on here all the time! ‘Victim blaming!’ Whenever anyone alludes to the fact that someone has got themselves into a really stupid situation that, which if they’d only used a modicum of common sense, they’d never have found themselves in, someone always turns up shouting ‘oh! Nice bit of victim blaming there!’
Well, y’know, sometimes, it really is your own fault...!

Itstheprinciple · 28/02/2021 17:49

You only have to see the posts on here about people complaining that their child has been told off in school and asking if they should complain. No, you should trust that the teacher knows what they are doing. It won't harm your child to be told off if they've done something wrong. In fact it might even help them. Yes, they will feel a bit crap for a while but it's your job to help them reflect on what happened and if they could have done anything differently.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 28/02/2021 17:51

@Nicolastuffedone

You see it on here all the time! ‘Victim blaming!’ Whenever anyone alludes to the fact that someone has got themselves into a really stupid situation that, which if they’d only used a modicum of common sense, they’d never have found themselves in, someone always turns up shouting ‘oh! Nice bit of victim blaming there!’ Well, y’know, sometimes, it really is your own fault...!
Please describe in more detail some of these really stupid situations.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 28/02/2021 17:55

@Itstheprinciple

You only have to see the posts on here about people complaining that their child has been told off in school and asking if they should complain. No, you should trust that the teacher knows what they are doing. It won't harm your child to be told off if they've done something wrong. In fact it might even help them. Yes, they will feel a bit crap for a while but it's your job to help them reflect on what happened and if they could have done anything differently.
What? All teachers are 100% right, always?

I work in a school and not only would I never claim that, I don't believe it either.

Violinist64 · 28/02/2021 18:02

I think that not enough children and young people are allowed to fail and accept responsibility for failure. Failure is often the best teacher as we can look at what went wrong and what we can do to ensure to make sure that it does not happen again. These days, people are afraid to try something in case they fail, which is such a shame as, with this attitude, they can never experience the elation and pride of overcoming difficulties.