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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I gone too far with my son?

456 replies

BBCONEANDTWO · 27/02/2021 18:22

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

OP posts:
crazylikechocolate · 28/02/2021 12:34

Just cross posted with your latest update

Your son needs to move out

ineedaholidaynow · 28/02/2021 12:37

Why does your DS get special treatment, why can you only do things when your DS is not around? Does your daughter still live at home?

happytoday73 · 28/02/2021 12:40

Your son is furloughed so the easy solution is that he does the work you would normally disturb him with each morning.

There needs to be a fair-ish distribution of work throughout a household.....

PhilCornwall1 · 28/02/2021 12:42

I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Spot on! I'd have probably added "now fuck off and stop talking to me, as your voice pisses me off". Yes I know he is your son, but he's an adult acting like a spoilt brat.

Original poster
BBCONEANDTWO · 28/02/2021 12:42

@crazylikechocolate

OP I feel for you Please don't move out , it's your house , three is a crowd Your husband is being a dick but is he normally ok ? Your son needs to move out it's him that started this I can understand your need to clean as something fulfilling to do , I ask my partner to leave doing the dishwasher just to give me something g extra to occupy my time It's so difficult at the moment to get space , a few weeks and things are likely to improve as the country opens up again
I know I know - it's difficult for everyone. Luckily I can get away during the week to work.

Regarding DH in some ways he's good in others (emotional) not.

He really is a typical strong silent type. I think now that I'm getting older I feel so lonely in my own house. We have nothing in common really. He says things that really irk me. Examples

Watching tv and someone he thinks is gay is on tv he will ask me do you think they are gay - `I don't give a shit whether or not they are gay and he will say - oh here we go again miss political correct (I REALLY don't care).

Judge Judy - a black guy is on and there's a case about say child maintenance - he'll say 'These 'blacks' always have loads of kids to different women. I go mad and tell him he's being racists and plenty of 'white' guys have children to different women as well. This is something I'm finding really difficult to even type on here.

There's more but these are the 2 that come to mind immediately.

OP posts:
Original poster
BBCONEANDTWO · 28/02/2021 12:43

@ineedaholidaynow

Why does your DS get special treatment, why can you only do things when your DS is not around? Does your daughter still live at home?
She lives with her partner. But I can't talk to her about this.
OP posts:
goosebumps · 28/02/2021 12:45

It's so unfair you are considering moving out if your home. Your GROWN UP ADULT of a son should move out due to his disrespect for you. You were right - you do pay the mortgage.

I hope you can talk to your husband about this. If he just takes your son's side then maybe they could consider moving out. Please don't let your son (and your unsupportive husband) force you out.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2021 12:45

Sounds to me like your husband usually uses chiding (don't, you shouldn't, that was nasty) to - well, to control you. To shape your future behaviour. Today, it hasn't worked. So instead, he's stormed out, expecting that to bring you to heel when he returns.

Yes, time to take stock.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2021 12:50

And it's clear to me that you are considering moving out NOT to get away from your son, but to get away from your husband. Who is a prick. Whose visible disrespect of you has rubbed off onto your son, which is presumably a factor in how he talks to you.

Nobody should feel lonely in their marriage. It is a sign really that the marriage is over, just it's not acknowledged as being over.

Original poster
BBCONEANDTWO · 28/02/2021 12:51

Thanks everyone - I'm thinking that I shouldn't move out especially as I'm feeling so upset at the moment so I shouldn't make any drastic decisions. We don't have a spare bedroom anymore but do have a spare living room. Maybe I should sleep on the sofa for a few nights and do no cooking, cleaning etc.

I just feel exhausted with it all.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 28/02/2021 12:53

He is not respectful to you at all.
Does he contribute to the household chores at all? Does he pay rent? If not there in lies your problem.

Veryverycalmnow · 28/02/2021 12:54

The housework should be shared between the three of you if you're all living there

Original poster
BBCONEANDTWO · 28/02/2021 12:56

He does pay dig money. He buys his own toiletries, his car etc etc. It's not the money though - or even the chores. It's the fact that he obviously thinks I'm thick or something.

DH has just sent me a text to ask how I'm feeling - don't even know what to say to that.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 28/02/2021 13:02

I’d have the little prick move out. I say that as someone with adult kids living at home. Not one would dare to act like this as they know their stuff would be slung out on the front yard within minutes. Why are you putting up with this. Your DH sounds just as bad tbh.

JassyRadlett · 28/02/2021 13:02

DH has just sent me a text to ask how I'm feeling - don't even know what to say to that.

‘Disrespected and held in contempt. Same old same old.’

Your son is treating you like dirt and his father is enabling him.

This is your home and your life. Live your best fucking life in it. You don’t need to pander to the young princeling’s delicate sensibilities any more.

He doesn’t like your singing? Time to find new flatmates who don’t like to sing.

He doesn’t like it when you access your own garden? Pay for one of his own with sole access.

He doesn’t like the sound of you cleaning? Clean the place himself while you’re out at work all day, then it won’t need doing.

He doesn’t like the sound of you walking in your own house? He can fuck off to the far side of the faraway thing. Given his lack of tolerance for other people sharing his space, a one-man tent in the woods might be a good option.

I’m so angry on your behalf.

ineedaholidaynow · 28/02/2021 13:04

So why is your DS allowed to say what he likes, why are you not allowed to sing because he doesn't like it, why are you not allowed in a part of the garden if your DS is there?

Was your daughter given this special treatment when she lived at home , or is just the males?

VestaTilley · 28/02/2021 13:05

YANBU at all. Your son sounds like a spoilt, ungrateful brat.

He’s 21- why isn’t he (and the rest of your family doing the cleaning?) he should be offering you a cup of tea at least, not whinging about noise.

If he’s 21 has he got a job or is he studying? He, your DH and your DD should all be undertaking equal amounts of household chores. You are not their slave. You work FT and need a rest at weekends.

Wondermule · 28/02/2021 13:10

Gosh. It sounds like your house is a misogynist boys club, with you as disrespected housekeeper. How dare they tell you what you can and cannot say or do in your own house? How dare they act like you have no right to an opinion, no right to even speak or sing? Are they trying to crush the joy out of you?

Please don’t kick this under the rug and carry on. You wouldn’t actually be helping your son, who sounds like a nightmare boyfriend/husband in the making himself.

VestaTilley · 28/02/2021 13:12

Oh OP, I’ve just seen your updates, I’m really sorry. Your DH and DS sound awful and misogynistic.

Tell your DS he has three months to find somewhere else to live, then he needs to move out. Tell your DH it is happening first - and explain to him if he picks DS over you he can leave as well. Do not back down or they’ll walk all over you forever. Make your DS move out. He’s treated you badly and needs to learn his lesson - the hard way if needs be.

If you don’t do this now he’ll treat women like shit forever.

oil0W0lio · 28/02/2021 13:14

These men who are the strong silent types...my father is like seemingly intelligent but rarely wants to discuss anything with anyone, I eventually realised that in his mind he is always automatically in the right and there's no point in talking to us lesser mortals about anything of any weight

Wearywithteens · 28/02/2021 14:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TaraR2020 · 28/02/2021 14:18

Oh op I'm sorry :(

Would you consider marriage counselling with your DH?

He really shouldn't allow your DS to talk to you in the way that he does, your DS seems to dictate much about your lives and that's just not on.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 28/02/2021 14:27

@BBCONEANDTWO

He does pay dig money. He buys his own toiletries, his car etc etc. It's not the money though - or even the chores. It's the fact that he obviously thinks I'm thick or something.

DH has just sent me a text to ask how I'm feeling - don't even know what to say to that.

Text back I feel like shit. My husband doesn't back me up and my son seems to think someone died and made him king.
AdaFuckingShelby · 28/02/2021 14:33

Oh dear what a difficult situation for you living with 2 entitled men who gang up on you. Dont move out just now, youll regret it. Why can't you tall to your daughter about this?
To be honest it sounds like you walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, although I'm aware we don't have the whole story. Its tricky but don't store up your resentment, it will fester and poison your relationship.

My ex was similar, said I looked ridiculous when I was cleaning cobwebs from the ceiling with a broom, etc etc. This and many other disrespectful comments mounted up. He couldn't understand what the problem was but to be honest I don't think I covered myself in glory with my behaviour either. Try and communicate your side of it calmly.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/02/2021 15:00

@oil0W0lio

These men who are the strong silent types...my father is like seemingly intelligent but rarely wants to discuss anything with anyone, I eventually realised that in his mind he is always automatically in the right and there's no point in talking to us lesser mortals about anything of any weight
My old man is like this, except he's not the silent type.

I told him a couple of years ago it must be awful being him, he didn't understand what I meant, until I told him, you must be exhausted always thinking you are right, but 85% of the time you are wrong, how does that really feel? For once he didn't have much to say.

Mother found it quite funny. She's not a shrinking violet and often said many things in years gone by.