Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

I sometimes wonder, as I am now, who are the random 2% of people saying YABU on posts like these.

You are blatantly not. Have a good cry, good sleep and tell them to pull their fingers out.

If I'd made such a complaint to my parents, they wouldn't have been half so reasonable lol Probably would have delivered a few home truths!

I don't think you really learn how important it is to keep your home tidy until you have your own space you're in charge of and the domestic effort falls to you. I certainly found myself adopting some of my mums mysterious and annoying habits re housework when I moved out - they've become well ingrained by now....Just think of how smug you will feel when he does the same

@BBCONEANDTWO

Have a goid cry, it's good for you

Then start taking control.

Tell DS if he speaks to you like that again, he can move out, and mean it! Give him a list of jobs (if they're not to your standards-tell him how to do them better.

Tell DH you will NOT be spoken to like that. You do pay the mortgage & you will not have DS sounding off at you about being too noisy doing housework IN YOUR HOME! Get him properly told. Give him some jobs too...and likewise tell him to do them properly if he's not.

Find something g rise to do with your time at the weekends. (Come & do my housework if you want...I'll be incredibly appreciative!!!).

It's no wonder you're feeling crap. Tell them both hiw they're making you feel & that you do NOT intend to put up with it a minute more.

I'd suggest booking yourself a holiday somewhere, but you know...not really at the minute. Bugger!

@Nith

You do sound a bit obsessive about cleaning and housework. It's difficult to believe that three adults create so much mess and dirt that you need to be cleaning in what sounds like virtually all your free time. I suggest you try to relax a bit more.

This.

TaraR2020

I am part of the 2%. The reason I voted that way was I don’t think people know what living with someone who is so obsessed with cleaning feels like. Reading between the lines I think the ds sees and hears his mum hoovering clean carpets each day.
There isn’t any fun as op by her own admission states she can’t sit still and relax with her family her mind is constantly thinking of anything but relaxing and has her mind on other things.
Imagine going out with a friend who keeps getting up and wandering off to do vitally important stuff and when she is there her mind isn’t. What would you think of that person.
Telling the op to tell the ds to clean up is fine but what if there isn’t anything to clean up
From the description the house is immaculate. There are only 3 adults living there and I am wondering why there is a need to clean every single night and all weekend

I would suggest that maybe instead of the ds starting to clean that the op instead stops cleaning. How can cleaning every night be keeping on top of things if it then takes all weekend to clean the house. Either the ds and Dh are throwing food around or rolling in the mud then coming in and rolling around in the floors and taking a shit in the corner of the room or op is seeing dirt where non exists.

I have been shouted at to tidy a room when there is nothing out of place. Throwing out the ds and Dh will not make the time to clean the house much less.

Someone upthread said something along the lines of if the ds didn’t appreciate the privilege of living there he could move out.
Tbh living in an immaculate house that only stayed that way because of constant cleaning is not a privilege
I much preferred my grotty room in a dodgy part of town to living in a beautiful detached in a leafy area.

@bythemillpond

Thank you for responding to that, I wasn't expecting anyone to and appreciate being able to read your perspective. :)

I can completely understand your responding given your experience.

I'm not sure though that anything in the ops post suggested she cleaned obsessively. A 3 person household can generate a lot of mess and we have no way of knowing how much effort goes into keeping their home respectable, so I responded differently to you on that basis.

A 21yo son's idea of immaculate may also be wildly different to his mums

I'm more inclined to think that lockdown (assuming uk) means that everyone's a bit on top of each other atm and likely to be annoying each other more! Also, I'm conscious how stressful the OP might find it if the house becomes untidy- especially if she's the one who does of the cleaning, little and often is better than being overwhelmed.

My own home bumbles along in a comfortable clean-but-lived-in state as I find notions of an immaculate home too stressful to live up to and,quite frankly, would rather be doing other things

I have 2 adult D's's living at home with me and they not only pay towards their 'keep' they have to do their own laundry including bedding, clean their own rooms and cook for family once a week each. Ok so they don't have a large choice of meals they tend to cook but can manage a spag bol, toad in the hole, roast or shepherd 's pie. One unpacks shopping when it is delivered and the other takes charge of kitchen bin and takes out to dustbin and puts new bin bag into kitchen bin every day and both sometimes load up or unload dishwasher. DH also loads and unloads dishwasher, brings me tea in bed, throws on a few loads of laundry each week, makes lunchbox for foster child some mornings, peels veg and cooks occasional meal at weekends. OP you are not raising your son to be a good partner one day. I would be telling DH he should support me in making DS see he is being totally unresonable. In my home the whole family makes house dirty so everyone has to help clean. Foster son, 14, does recycling and keeps everyone's shoes tidy in the hall on the shoe stand. I do most cooking, ordering shopping, general tidying, damp dusting and change our bedding, clean our bedroom, ensuite and cleaner cleans kitchen, dining room, lounge, hall, stairs, landing, foster sons bedroom and bathroom and stairs leading up to DS's bedrooms.

Did I just read someone in the house is furloughed and you still have to come home to cook and clean? That is mind boggling. Why don't they do the cooking and cleaning until they are working again? You have obviously been far too soft on them OP. You must be firmer. How will your son manage if you have not him life skills like how to use a washing machine and to cook? My sons know all about soaking laundry in biotex if washing something stained and adding vanish to wash. They know what temp to wash whites and coloured and know about oven temperatures too. Give your son lessons.

@Bythemillpond

am baffled as to why mentioning the mortgage is wrong

Because the ds didn’t take this mortgage out. He didn’t have any say in where his home should be or how much it would cost.

At 20 he has 100% say over where his home is and how much it costs.

We can't truly know whether the OP is an obsessive cleaner or to what extent. I am very far from being an obsessive cleaner but I know that vacuuming, mopping, dusting, cleaning bathrooms and surfaces once a week is necessary to keep on top of things, that a bit of vacuuming and wiping high-use areas in-between helps, and that, if not done, everything gets noticeably grotty by week two.

We do know that if DS is not doing anything around the house, he is failing to pull his weight and that, even as a busy teenager, never mind a salaried yet non-working adult, that is unreasonable.

So I think OP needs to start by allocating tasks to her son (and DH - cooking gains praise and appreciation, cleaning toilets does not). Some hoovering, mopping, some bathroom cleaning. She could also do less for him too (e.g. ironing his stuff, if she is doing).

Then she can do whatever else there is to do, to whatever standard she likes. The basics will have been achieved with less effort from her and she can decide about the rest.

It may have been better not to go down the mortgage line but the sentiment is definitely right. I’d say if he’s left it spotless next Friday night you won’t need to do it on Saturday morning.

It's her mortgage she can say what she likes!

Cheeky sod ! I have Ds near 21 and Dd 18 and I have told them straight it’s my home I do as I please ! When they have their own homes they can plead themselves, you have been correct in telling your son how disrespectful he is . Big hugs 🤗 xx

YANBU. If your son doesn't like his current living situation he is welcome to find another one.

Thanks for everyone's replies.
I'm back at square one - just spoke to DH to say that I was still upset about what happened. He agreed DS had no right to tell me ff about tidying up etc BUT he said that it was a nasty thing to say about the mortgage.

I explained that I had every right to say that but he said that I shouldn't have used that as a way to make him feel guilty that I pay the mortgage.

DH has now stormed out saying that "here we go that's you in a mood there's no talking to you etc etc'.

Shattered with it all.

If my DS spoke to me like that, especially about doing housework/cleaning etc, I'd give him notice. It sounds like he needs to move out and find his own room - then he can have his space the way he likes it. No way would I put up with that.

"Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc."

WTAF? I don't care how 'heavy footed' you are on your wooden floors, that was just a total dick move on his part. It's annoying? Tough shit. If he doesn't want to hear you cleaning at the weekends, then the little diddums can move his furloughed arse and have the cleaning all done before the weekend then, can't he? Sheesh.

He is not The Boss of you.

But serious point - you cleaning constitutes the normal noise of daily living. If he finds other people's normal noise irritating - then the problem is his (not yours) and he needs to live alone, not complain about normal noise. The other members of the household are entitled to not creep about silently, lest they annoy The Little Prince (and His Majesty's Enabling Father).

"I'm sitting here having a wine and enjoying myself in another room so don't even have to see them at the moment. I'm more pissed with DH - but he'll be sorry I can so do the 'silent treatment' when it is deserved."

Don't. Just don't do the silent treatment. It's passive aggressive as hell and resolves nothing. Have it out with them.

Tell them the cleaning has to happen, if they don't want you being all heavy-footed then fine - they do it.

Tell your son that he was out of order telling you to go out for a walk - if he find you cleaning so disturbing, then maybe HE should go for a walk and give you peace to get on with it!

Tell your husband that it was not nasty to point out to your son that since you pay you have rights TOO, and if you were in a bad mood it's because this crap has put you in one.

Do NOT do the silent treatment! Did I mention it resolves nothing ?

Your DH is a git. I'd go for a long walk and think long and hard if you want your future to be as a skivvy for your H and adult kids for the rest of your life.

@BBCONEANDTWO

Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm back at square one - just spoke to DH to say that I was still upset about what happened. He agreed DS had no right to tell me ff about tidying up etc BUT he said that it was a nasty thing to say about the mortgage.

I explained that I had every right to say that but he said that I shouldn't have used that as a way to make him feel guilty that I pay the mortgage.

DH has now stormed out saying that "here we go that's you in a mood there's no talking to you etc etc'.

Shattered with it all.

Ah, cross-posted with this OP - that's crap of your husband.

And how does you pointing out to your son that you paying the mortgage is 'a way to make him feel guilty'? IMO it's a way to point out to your son that you have rights too, not just him.

So what I'm wondering is - is the guilt your husband's? Are you the only one paying the mortgage, and he's taking it personally?

No we both pay the mortgage. I am really really upset by this and I'm tired. I keep crying. I'm so tired. I'm now looking at rented accommodation and told my DH that I'm sick of him not supporting me and that DS does nothing in the house. I'm not bothered about that fact I'm more bothered that DH is saying I'm being nasty.

I told DH I'm gonna be looking at moving out. He's now gone out and I don't know where.

"told my DH that I'm sick of him not supporting me and that DS does nothing in the house."

To be sick of something generally means it's been happening a lot? So does this mean there are more instances where this dynamic has played out (son is a dick, H takes son's side)?

This sounds so distressing for you, OP .

OP,

It sounds as if you have a real problem with your husband and your son reflects a general disrespect for you.

Is this a happy marriage?
Because it sounds as if it isn't and this incident is one in a long line and you have had enough.

Could you go and stay with someone while you have a think.

Do you want to be with your husband long term?
In the interim, stop doing anything for either of them and maybe move into a spare bedroom if you can.

Your husband choosing to gang up on you with your son, is a deal breaker in marriages.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"told my DH that I'm sick of him not supporting me and that DS does nothing in the house."

To be sick of something generally means it's been happening a lot? So does this mean there are more instances where this dynamic has played out (son is a dick, H takes son's side)?

This sounds so distressing for you, OP .

I think this has brought up more of my feelings as regards DH not supporting me. Silly things like sometimes when I'm making food and serving it up I might hear a song and sing along a little. DH gives me a dirty look and says Oh God stop that. Then after DH will say to me 'You know it annoys DS so you shouldn't be doing that'. If DH goes out to the garden (we have a covered area with a bike) DS will tell us not to go out. I might want to put the rubbish out but don't go out when he's cycling and DH ALWAYS reminds me not to go out as DS is out there).

If I give my opinion on something like say the Trump thing my DS will say things that make me out to be some sort of thicko and DH will say after you shouldn't say things like that.

At the moment I can't recall everything but it's as if I'm an embarrassment and DH doesn't exactly support me. I'm probably being super sensitive I feel so upset today.

Sorry I mean DS gives me a dirty look

OP I feel for you
Please don't move out , it's your house , three is a crowd
Your husband is being a dick but is he normally ok ?
Your son needs to move out it's him that started this
I can understand your need to clean as something fulfilling to do , I ask my partner to leave doing the dishwasher just to give me something g extra to occupy my time
It's so difficult at the moment to get space , a few weeks and things are likely to improve as the country opens up again