Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

Get rid of both of them and get a puppy

Honestly OP,

I'm so sorry, but you are married to a nasty piece of work and your son is no better.

If either of my sons attempted to speak to me the way yours does supported by my husband there would be absolutely murder in this house.

They are both horrible but they both feel very comfortable treating you like shit.

Move into the spare sitting room and do absolutely NOTHING for them.

Tell your husband that this could well be the end of your marriage and the house will have to be sold because you will no longer accept their rudeness and disrespect.

You do not have to stay in your marriage.

They have brought this on them.

I would rather live on my own that accept how you are being treated.

You need for your husband to realise, to really get that you are not bothered about remaining married.

Men can sometimes need it to be spelt out to them that this is a deal breaker and actually I'd rather not live with you.

Let him get a flat share with your ignorant son.

What an awful environment that you live in, being treated like a skivvy by the two of them.

Your husband sounds like an awful ignorant pig with the views he holds.

He sounds very dim actually.

Reach out to a friend or colleague.

Wow, they sound like a couple of complete arseholes

Totally agree go on strike, but don’t sleep on the sofa - chuck your husband in that direction

Silly things like sometimes when I'm making food and serving it up I might hear a song and sing along a little. DH gives me a dirty look and says Oh God stop that. Then after DH will say to me 'You know it annoys DS so you shouldn't be doing that

This makes me so sad. I’m just reading more of your comments OP - your “d”h is an abusive arsehole and unfortunately your ds has followed his example.
I would really look at ways to end this relationship - it sounds like he can barely contain his contempt for you.
He’s sent you a text now asking how you’re feeling because he’s probably getting worried that you are actually going to do something about his vile behaviour for once. It sounds like the scales are slowly falling from your eyes

I don't like to rush to use the abusive word to describe relationships but the OP's marriage sounds so nasty, dismissive and disrespectful.

It certainly isn't healthy.

I'm 28 years married and the way the OP is treated is not normal, not to mind healthy.

Being given filthy looks and told not to sing.

The husband sounds like such a nasty bully, telling his wife how to behave around that horrible son.

Father and son need to pack up and go live somewhere together.

This is the OP's chance to say I'm not putting up with you both any longer.

It certainly isn't loving.
I would be devastated to be dismissed so unkindly by them both.

She is completely taken for granted.

Unfortunately we teach people how to treat us.
I don't know if she should bother trying to save it.

Her husband is asking is she ok because he is thinking of himself first, just like he has always done.

Time for the OP to focus on what sort of future she wants.

Your son needs to move out if living with you is so annoying.

I don’t think the sofa is appropriate - more discomfort for you.

Why not just take a week somewhere away from both of them for a breather?

It’s a sexist boys club in your house and it feels super-oppressive.

A week on your own would give you some perspective on the whole thing.

Op you sound lovely, your dh and ds not so much.

What would you like to happen? Why can't you talk to your dd about this?

Weird reality TV analogy coming -

My favourite reality show, which follows the staff on a superyacht - a couple of seasons ago - had on the staff a tag team of 3 sexist twats. It was interesting to see the impact on the female staff over time: the constant belittling, dismissing and male backslapping - the women just looked more and more depressed, demoralised and pissed off as the season wore on. Normally love the show but it was a relief when it was over.

It was fascinating to see the impact of sexism in front of my eyes.

I definitely impacts your health.

Unfortunately I think this sort of behaviour doesn’t happen overnight. Somewhere there has been a disconnect with your children and your husband where fun times were replaced by cleaning and that respect was lost.

If you spend that much time cleaning then where was the time for the rest of your family

I still cannot believe it takes 2 full days and 5 nights to clean a house where there are only 3 people living there and one isn’t even there during the day.
We have 4 adults all making food at different times and all in the house and apart from loading the dishwasher and doing a load of laundry which gets folded and hung up as soon as it comes out of the tumble dryer and put in peoples bedrooms to put away (you don’t need to iron anything) then nothing really gets done except a 3 hour blitz when we have a viewer or once per week.
What is the point of keeping on top of things if you then need to spend all weekend cleaning.
I do think you need to reassess your relationship with cleaning and with the rest of your family.
Are you using cleaning as a punishment for something else that is going on.

He's 21 and living with you, you can say what you bloody well like to him about your own home and your own mortgage

Your being gaslighted by your husband, you should be able to sing a fucking song on your own home and go into your garden when you want. Quite frankly your husband is a POS and you know it, easier to ignore when the kids are younger. The one thing as parents we need to do is show them healthy relationships and this is not it. Your husband pandering to your sons needs (which quite frankly are outrageous) is just showing your son he can do this to another woman. This is simple, you should get a divorce, your life sounds miserable and your husband is the cause. And he text to see if your ok because it’s part of the whole making you think your unreasonable angle.

Unfortunately I think this sort of behaviour doesn’t happen overnight. Somewhere there has been a disconnect with your children and your husband where fun times were replaced by cleaning and that respect was lost

If this is the first thing that pops into your head when reading a thread like this then I pity you.

Yer I never use the "it's my house" line. It's awful. But as for saying sorry for making noise. Screw that. Turn the music on and dance round the living rm next weekend. He's a adult you need to cohabit. But don't remind him he's just a paying guest.

Sorry you're in this situation. I think irritations are highlighted during lockdown, which is certainly the case in my house. Re your ds, I have a similar situation with my 19 yr ds. It's dispiriting and depressing. I think the best solution is to talk things through with ds as his perspective will be different. Essentially though, I think young men living with their mothers during a pandemic is unlikely to go well!
Your dh sounds more of a problem. I wonder if you even like him. Take a breather, don't do anything in haste but perhaps when we are released from lockdowns you should think about how much you want the relationship. As your dcs are grown up it may be worth rethinking your future, or at least discussing with dh.

LucilleTheVampireBat

Unfortunately I have lived with someone who passive aggressively used cleaning as a punishment. It did put up a huge wall between her and the rest of the family and even the updates from op are from the same playbook. Eventually everyone moved away and she was left on her own.
It still didn’t stop her cleaning or make her happy.

I'd start leaving the local paper around with flats circled in them. If he wants peace and quiet whenever he likes, he an okay for the privilege. In the meantime, leave him a list of jobs you expect to get done around the house during the week and if not that, charge him board. Cheeky oik

He’s being a shithead and your husband ought to be backing you up. I certainly wouldn’t take that crap from my kids. YADNBU

YANBU overall but I don't think the mortgage comment was necessary

Don’t take any shit, @BBCONEANDTWO.
Do not be ganged up on.
He ought to help clean.

Wow if my husband said that to me he's bags would be packed. Your son is way out of line and your husband should have had your back on this. No you are definitely not in the wrong on this one and I would have said the same thing and more

Christ, your son is very lucky he doesn't live with me. I would be RAGING.

Stick a rota chart on the fridge door detailing the different chores that each sofa passenger needs to do through the week/month.

No chores, no chow

@BBCONEANDTWO

He does pay dig money. He buys his own toiletries, his car etc etc. It's not the money though - or even the chores. It's the fact that he obviously thinks I'm thick or something.

DH has just sent me a text to ask how I'm feeling - don't even know what to say to that.

Tell him you are not ok and you will no longer put up with him simpering you his golden child. That you are just as important than them and you will not have this ridiculous behaviour anymore.

You’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever! It’s time for [not so]DS to move out! You are being bullied.

I think your just tired.
BUT both the men in your life really are rude, and think they matter more than you.
IF your DS complains about the noise you make, ask him if he wants to do the cleaning, tell him you can give him a list of what needs doing, And that you agree your are doing too much, so him and DAD can do the washing up every night.
It's amazing how they shut up when they realise you have taken it the wrong way and it will involve work for them.
Best to let the Mortgage comment go, it was called for but it lets DS become a victim, poor baby can't afford a house.
Your DH is used to your giving him the silent treatment so knock it on the head, instead plonk yourself in front of the TV grab the remote and have coffee and cake. When someone makes a rude or racist remark, you want to say, good job you didn't make that remark at work, you'd be sacked for it.