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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I gone too far with my son?

456 replies

BBCONEANDTWO · 27/02/2021 18:22

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 27/02/2021 21:16

I can see where your ds gets his lack of respect from.

Your DH sounds like a twat and your DS is rude

PhylisNightsIsAwesome · 27/02/2021 21:18

am baffled as to why mentioning the mortgage is wrong!

longsigh · 27/02/2021 21:24

My 20 year old moaned about me making a noise cleaning one morning- I apologised and agreed how selfish it was to b cleaning on my weekend off and maybe she could get it done whilst she was off from her part-time job. She didn't mention it again HmmWink

RoosterRoosteringFree · 27/02/2021 21:25

Ltb

Bythemillpond · 27/02/2021 21:25

am baffled as to why mentioning the mortgage is wrong

Because the ds didn’t take this mortgage out. He didn’t have any say in where his home should be or how much it would cost.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/02/2021 21:27

@Bythemillpond

am baffled as to why mentioning the mortgage is wrong

Because the ds didn’t take this mortgage out. He didn’t have any say in where his home should be or how much it would cost.

But he's more than happy to reap the benefits by living there.
user1471448866 · 27/02/2021 21:51

@BBCONEANDTWO

Just read this all back and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself that I'm actually in this position asking strangers for advice on whether I'm BU.

I do feel disrespected by both of them now but I'm more annoyed with DH. Feel like just bloody moving out myself now and weird but I'm feeling very lonely all of a sudden. Like I don't count??? Not on here but in here. Sorry - rant over.

I am feeling exactly the same tonight. Mean’t to be having a nice takeaway meal. Argument broke out over something completely irrelevant but just really summed up our relationship. No abuse or anything like that but no warmth either and am sat here thinking I really just want to spend the rest of my life in peace on my own. Very lonely position to be in
Nith · 27/02/2021 22:05

You do sound a bit obsessive about cleaning and housework. It's difficult to believe that three adults create so much mess and dirt that you need to be cleaning in what sounds like virtually all your free time. I suggest you try to relax a bit more.

rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 22:10

YANBU. I have truly run out of patience with shitty behaviour from my kids. I really have. By the time DS is even 18 I'll be well done with living with him.

billy1966 · 27/02/2021 22:10

@longsigh

My 20 year old moaned about me making a noise cleaning one morning- I apologised and agreed how selfish it was to b cleaning on my weekend off and maybe she could get it done whilst she was off from her part-time job. She didn't mention it again HmmWink
And that is how it's done.😁
ladygindiva · 27/02/2021 22:11

Yanbu
I give my 4 year old short shrift if she whinges at me for making housework noises whilst her programmes are on. I wouldn't be having that. And your husbands being a cock as well.

billy1966 · 27/02/2021 22:13

@user1471448866
I'm sorry you are feeling low.

Nothing worse than feeling low on a Saturday and not wanting to impose on friends.

Sending you Flowers

PickAChew · 27/02/2021 22:13

Maybe if he did some cleaning, you would have less to do.

Hawkins001 · 27/02/2021 22:17

Rather than your son criticising you, why is he not showing more appreciation for what you do ?

BaskingMad · 27/02/2021 22:22

Yanbu. He’s 21 and should be doing his bit not telling you off!

PickAChew · 27/02/2021 22:22

@BBCONEANDTWO

I think it's because I'm heavy footed rather than the cleaning actually - now I remember he mentioned that. So for example I am a fidget in that I will start watching something then go make a cup of tea or remember I need to charge my phone or something. I do go to the bathroom a lot as I have a weak bladder so you could be talking 10 times a day for that. We have wooden flooring and there's no way I'm going back to carpet. I just wear sox though not shoes.
It's healthy to "fidget" like that. We're not made just to lie around all day.
Wondermule · 27/02/2021 22:24

YANBU. The nerve of him! Please don’t apologise or anything, you were 100% correct and it wouldn’t be doing him any favours anyway. He needs to grow up and show you some respect.

PickAChew · 27/02/2021 22:28

Ffs, cleaning on a weekend because it doesn't get done during the week is not obsessive cleaning. It's just cleaning.

Bythemillpond · 27/02/2021 22:29

SchadenfreudePersonified
His parents might own the house but it is his home as well.

Maybe if he did some cleaning, you would have less to do

But the house is immaculate. What exactly is it he should clean.

I think people are missing the amount of cleaning being done. There is no way that 3 adults make so much mess that the cleaning has to be done every night during the week and 2 full days at the weekend

My mother would wipe down the walls and ceilings and polish the skirting boards daily as well as hoovering any carpet 3 times per day. It became an obsession. But she would tell all her friends that I was lazy and I never helped but even if I tried then I would never hear the end of why my cleaning was slovenly and lazy and wasn’t done correctly. If we ever went on holiday all we would hear about was how she needed to get back as the house would be in such a state with the dust settling. Invariably on the few times we went away we would come back within 3 days because she couldn’t relax

Living in a household where someone is constantly cleaning is not pleasant

ArcheryAnnie · 27/02/2021 22:30

Good, lord, you are a fucking saint for not throwing all his belongings into the street.

You are working. He is furloughed. He should be doing the fucking cleaning.

I am living with my 19 year old son. I adore him beyond all measure, but I am trying to imagine him criticising me for making a noise whilst cleaning, and the top of my head starts to melt.

Whooptydooperbounce · 27/02/2021 22:36

This reply has been deleted

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midsummabreak · 27/02/2021 22:47

Can you pay for a cleaner out of both your salary and plan to do something you like and get back to having fun on weekends.

Do not touch Dh or Ds clothes washing, or dishes. Get them to do a roster for everyone cooking meals too if not already

MintyMabel · 27/02/2021 22:59

I would have told them both to fuck off.

midsummabreak · 27/02/2021 23:03

I see from your posts now I’ve RTFT your Dh does prepare meals and clothes washing during week but not much of the heavier cleaning such as vacuuming dusting bathroom cleaning, bed linen changing ?

Agree with @Gamerchick don’t do the I’m not talking to you mute silence thing which I’m sure is not the person you want to be , and will only breed resentment and not get you the respect that you do deserve for all your hard work.

Flowershope you have a better rest of the weekend. I would tell Dh he can organise a cleaning service.

Mally2020 · 27/02/2021 23:03

I'm 22 and have lived away from home since 17, I earn my own money and pay for my own place. I return home frequently (less frequently in lockdown and stay from anywhere from a few days to a few weeks and whilst home I buy some or most of my own food, tidy the house for them while I'm there and offer to take my younger siblings out for the day etc., about a year ago I had to move home for about 6 weeks whilst me and my ex partner looked for a new place and I was working part time and helping my dad with the school run etc. Your son needs to learn more responsibility he is being pathetic and needs to get a grip.

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