Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

Is your DH frightened of your son?

Why does he prioritise him over you?

I think you need to delegate some of the jobs around the house to ds and dh so your not spending all weekend doing house work. If they all pitch in then one you get free time for yourself and two they get to sleep in as you will not need to start so early.

@BBCONEANDTWO

I don't do the housework first thing - this was today at 11am but he was up I heard him.

I kind of knew I wasn't being unreasonable but it's good to get it confirmed! Thanks guys.

11am is not the crack of dawn, and OP is not doing something a Million other woman would be doing at the weekend, This is not abuse.

Household staff should work quietly, OP, not disturb the employer’s sleep. On the other hand, if he isn’t paying you ....

I am looking at this situation very differently than everyone else on here.

Your son is only 21. He is your son! A precious relationship that should be cherished. How you treat each other while he lives at home can affect your relationship together for the rest of your life. I have 3 grown up children all at University and treasure every moment with them when they return even if that tends to be just late afternoons when they surface!

He had already asked if you could be quiet on a Saturday morning but you decided to wake him again with clatter and noise. Yes, you wanted to clean and that is your prerogative but not at the expense of someone else's peace of mind. A better thing to do would be for both of you to sit down and work out a time when he doesn't mind you cleaning etc that fits with when you want to do it.

This is a really difficult time for everyone and the young people are having a tough time not seeing friends and all the important rights of passage that are done at this age. Do not underestimate how low he might be feeling. You both should be listening to each other, treating each other with respect and trying to make each other's lives easier.

Your DH was right to pull you up on what you said to your son. I rely on my DH to let me know when I overstep and he relies on me.

Some of the advice on here is horrendous, no wonder so many people end up divorcing or being alienated from their children. If you feel that you are doing too much cleaning then do less, they won't care. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you because of how you like the house to look. Do something nice for you rather than run after them. You're important too.

I have lost a young cousin to suicide during covid, he had fallen out with my Uncle and Aunt over something petty. They had no idea how difficult he had been finding the restrictions. Go and hug your son and your husband. Life is too short for squabbles. Listen to each other, respect each other and value each other.

@Nith

It's up to the OP how much housework/ironing etc is needed/done when she's the one doing it.

Well, no, because basic consideration for others in the house has to come into it. You might equally well say that, for instance, it's up to her husband when DIY needs to be done when he's the one doing it, even if he decided to do noisy stuff just when everyone else is relaxing, trying to watch, TV, or it's the middle of the night.

It was 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning!!

Perfectly suitable time, don't you think?

I would no tolerate that shit from either DS or DH. You're not RoboMaid. The house is immaculate because you keep it immaculate. I think it's time for a strike.

@Lovinglifeand

I am looking at this situation very differently than everyone else on here.

Your son is only 21. He is your son! A precious relationship that should be cherished. How you treat each other while he lives at home can affect your relationship together for the rest of your life. I have 3 grown up children all at University and treasure every moment with them when they return even if that tends to be just late afternoons when they surface!

He had already asked if you could be quiet on a Saturday morning but you decided to wake him again with clatter and noise. Yes, you wanted to clean and that is your prerogative but not at the expense of someone else's peace of mind. A better thing to do would be for both of you to sit down and work out a time when he doesn't mind you cleaning etc that fits with when you want to do it.

This is a really difficult time for everyone and the young people are having a tough time not seeing friends and all the important rights of passage that are done at this age. Do not underestimate how low he might be feeling. You both should be listening to each other, treating each other with respect and trying to make each other's lives easier.

Your DH was right to pull you up on what you said to your son. I rely on my DH to let me know when I overstep and he relies on me.

Some of the advice on here is horrendous, no wonder so many people end up divorcing or being alienated from their children. If you feel that you are doing too much cleaning then do less, they won't care. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you because of how you like the house to look. Do something nice for you rather than run after them. You're important too.

I have lost a young cousin to suicide during covid, he had fallen out with my Uncle and Aunt over something petty. They had no idea how difficult he had been finding the restrictions. Go and hug your son and your husband. Life is too short for squabbles. Listen to each other, respect each other and value each other.

Bloody hell!!

Only 21! He's a fully grown adult!

A better thing to do would be for both of you to sit down and work out a time when he doesn't mind you cleaning etc that fits with when you want to do it.
Sod that for a game of soldiers! He wants to dictate he can get his own house to dictate in.

If it takes this to alienate this manchild then it isn't the OP's fault.

Talk about pandering! Sooner he finds his own place the better!

It was 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning!!

Exactly!

If people won't get their arses out of bed, they'll just have to put up with any "disturbance".

Absolutely YANBU OP. I'm so cross on your behalf. You should remind him some boundaries are not to be crossed and insulting your mother is top of the list. Cheeky git.

@Lovinglifeand

I am looking at this situation very differently than everyone else on here.

Your son is only 21. He is your son! A precious relationship that should be cherished. How you treat each other while he lives at home can affect your relationship together for the rest of your life. I have 3 grown up children all at University and treasure every moment with them when they return even if that tends to be just late afternoons when they surface!

He had already asked if you could be quiet on a Saturday morning but you decided to wake him again with clatter and noise. Yes, you wanted to clean and that is your prerogative but not at the expense of someone else's peace of mind. A better thing to do would be for both of you to sit down and work out a time when he doesn't mind you cleaning etc that fits with when you want to do it.

This is a really difficult time for everyone and the young people are having a tough time not seeing friends and all the important rights of passage that are done at this age. Do not underestimate how low he might be feeling. You both should be listening to each other, treating each other with respect and trying to make each other's lives easier.

Your DH was right to pull you up on what you said to your son. I rely on my DH to let me know when I overstep and he relies on me.

Some of the advice on here is horrendous, no wonder so many people end up divorcing or being alienated from their children. If you feel that you are doing too much cleaning then do less, they won't care. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you because of how you like the house to look. Do something nice for you rather than run after them. You're important too.

I have lost a young cousin to suicide during covid, he had fallen out with my Uncle and Aunt over something petty. They had no idea how difficult he had been finding the restrictions. Go and hug your son and your husband. Life is too short for squabbles. Listen to each other, respect each other and value each other.

Fuck about.

Any adult child of mine who bleated about when I chose to clean the house around them would be getting very short shrift.

The ones still here are more than aware they're free to set their own cleaning schedules in their own accommodation.

I don't do the housework first thing - this was today at 11am but he was up I heard him
But if you had kept on top of the housework the night before what could possibly need doing at 11am the following morning.

This isn’t about what time you start. It is about how constant the cleaning is. Especially if you are taking all weekend to clean the house and every night.

What is taking so much time. What exactly does your cleaning routine involve. Are you doing things over and over when it doesn’t need doing.

Her son is paying board, right? It's his home and he deserves a say in how things are done, and he would do even if he wasn't paying board. If he was a lodger and not her son would you all think it was fine for her to wake him up with cleaning every morning with no regard for his feelings? He was rude in how he dealt with it but honestly, this whole "if he doesn't like it he can leave", "your house your rules" advice is ridiculous.

If he was a lodger and not her son would you all think it was fine for her to wake him up with cleaning every morning with no regard for his feelings?

At 11am? Yes, to be honest!

He's a grow up now. Of course yanbu. Give him his marching orders, ask him to leave if he can't show his mother some respect.

My 4 year old moaned about 11am when I was hoovering because she couldn't hear Cbeebies. She was politely and age appropriately told to get to fuck because chores trump leisure. 21 years old would be told to get to fuck with no censorship 😂

OP you sound lovely, and they’re abysmal.

Its not really the fact its housework is it? If you had hobby that involved a sewing machine, or a musical instrument, or a spin bike, or a lathe you’d get just the same level if disrespect and abuse. You’re allowed to make noise - as much as you like in your own home within social hours. I wish with all my heart that I could come round and sing The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow until their ears bled.

I’m sorry but your son is awful and needs to be told to ‘like it or lump it’. He’s a grown man, earning a wage, and dictating what happens in the house. I don’t know his financial situation, but I’m sure he could afford a house share (where no one would take a blind bit of notice of what he told them to do, and rightly so).

As for your husband, well I don’t know. Why does he pander so much to your son? How dare he make you question your wooden floors that you walk on in just your socks. You myst see how unreasonable they are. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being bullied - because thats what they’re doing.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If he was a lodger and not her son would you all think it was fine for her to wake him up with cleaning every morning with no regard for his feelings?

At 11am? Yes, to be honest!

Absolutely. No question.

OP, it's hard to get a handle on what the dynamic is in your home. MN threats are sometimes quite one-sided. We don't really know if you are one of those people who are CONSTANTLY cleaning even if it doesn't really need doing. We don't know if the shitty times we're living in has exacerbated your need to stay in control and on top of the house as there's bugger all else we're in control of at the moment.
We don't know if you're having an issue with perimenopausal hormones at the moment. And no, this isn't sexist, schools now have to teach about the menopause and employers have to make allowances for any issues. If you remember how emotional you sometimes felt as a teenaged girl starting your periods, then it's likely that if you're the right age you may feel similar while stopping them.

Your DS could well be feeling a failure that he's still living with his parents at 21. He could be feeling hopeless at his prospects. He could be feeling overwhelmed with life, and how it's passing him by when he's at peak socialising age. I remember crying at that age because I couldn't go to the nightclub I went to each week because the people I went with had new boyfriends and wanted to do something with them. The disappointment at not being able to go out and have some fun and feeling lonely was just awful. He may not be able to tolerate much noise at the moment, I know I can't. It just adds to my anxiety about everything. I need calm. A peaceful house. Someone who was constantly restless and on the go all the time at home and could never just settle to read a book quietly would really get on my nerves, even if it was 11am. Someone who was overly houseproud and tutted when I sat against a cushion they'd just plumped would really set my nerves on edge.

Your husband could be feeling stuck in the middle and really not have a clue who he should be showing more support to. He may see you as the "bigger person" as you're an adult. He may still see your son as a difficult teen. He may feel sorry for him as times are different for that generation compared to what it was like when I was that age.

They may both be misogynistic, chauvinist shitbags. We can't possibly know. But it does sound like there is a lot of emotion running through everything and that everyone in the household sounds fed up. It's understandable, everyone's at the end of their tether. But if you generally get on and love each other it's worth sitting down and trying to discuss things, try and see everyone's point of view, find out what they're not happy with, you state what has upset YOU, come to some compromises about the amount of cleaning you're doing if they think it's getting obsessive.

I'm aware I'm going against the flow of opinion. Don't take any shit if you think they're being sexist pigs or disrespectful. But keep an open mind about people's reasons for behaving a certain way at the moment. Things are really hard, everyone is emotional.

It's not just the cleaning, though, is it? The cleaning seems to be a bit of a red herring. She's complained at for singing, for going in her garden. If she did sew, she would almost definitely be moaned at for the noise of the machine or all the stuff taking up space.

Got to be fake. Come on. You know fell well that HE is being unreasonable!!

@howaboutchocolate

Her son is paying board, right? It's his home and he deserves a say in how things are done, and he would do even if he wasn't paying board. If he was a lodger and not her son would you all think it was fine for her to wake him up with cleaning every morning with no regard for his feelings? He was rude in how he dealt with it but honestly, this whole "if he doesn't like it he can leave", "your house your rules" advice is ridiculous.

Agree

@PickAChew

It's not just the cleaning, though, is it? The cleaning seems to be a bit of a red herring. She's complained at for singing, for going in her garden. If she did sew, she would almost definitely be moaned at for the noise of the machine or all the stuff taking up space.

All signs that he is super sensitive and anxious at the moment. Very hard to live with someone so sensitive but he needs to be listened to not shouted at.

We don't really know if you are one of those people who are CONSTANTLY cleaning even if it doesn't really need doing

I think we do. What house with 3 adults living in it needs cleaning every night and all day Saturday and Sunday.

@Lovinglifeand are you ok?

He's not super sensitive, he's spoiled, immature and entitled

The OP and her husband walking on eggshells around their adult son isn't going to do anyone any favours. He'll meet a woman, and treat her like dirt, as he's been taught it's ok not to respect women and they must do what works for him and no compromise required. He's learning no resilience and no life skills, he'll be chewed up and spat out by the big wide world if his dad doesn't stop making him front and centre all the time, all the whole his mum is brought to tears and his parents marriage affected by his behaviour?