Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

Not unreasonable in the slightest!
At 21 I moved into my own home with my husband but my mum had me doing housework and paying rent from 16.
My 11year old nephew does housework to earn his pocket money.

1. It's your house. You do you.
2. If he does nothing then he gets no right to criticise

DH should be with you!! Mum and Dad should be united, a team, he's moaning because you told DS off!! It sounds like you do too much for them

A 3 person household can generate a lot of mess and we have no way of knowing how much effort goes into keeping their home respectable, so I responded differently to you on that basis.

Really? I can't see it, particularly given that two of them are working. It would only make "a lot of mess" if one or more were in the habit of bringing in mud from the garden or had a particularly messy hobby. Not only is OP doing all this constant housework, but she says her husband is doing some of it as well. What on earth is it that they are all constantly cleaning?

At the moment we're a three adult household, and we certainly don't need to spend all that time with cleaning and housework. And the house is perfectly clean and tidy and, most of all, comfortable for all of us to live in.

Why is he telling you what you can do in YOUR house?

First off children do get to tell their parents what to do

and

Second hes a damn adult, if he wants the house a certain way he best be getting his own house and inforcing the rule there

Wow - son manages to make himself a sandwich for lunch
If he is furloughed and you are working, why isn't he doing the bloody housework?
And making you brunch on a Saturday morning.

Lazy git - if he wants to move somewhere quieter, he needs to move.

@TheCatWithTheFluffyTail

I don’t see any excuse for your son to be rude to you or for you to lose it with him but I am baffled why you need to spend every single weekend doing housework when you keep on top of things during the week. Is your DS right about it being immaculate and does your cleaning go beyond what is healthy (you losing it suggests you have quite strong feelings towards it being done, which is why I ask)? I don’t see why your DH and DS aren’t doing their share of the housework either.

We have a big house, the cleaner comes once a week for two hours, we keep on top of things during the week, and as a result enjoy our weekends in a clean house.

Surely it's up to the OP as to her standards and when and how often she wants to clean? Especially as she's the one doing it!

Your house if you want todo clean/housework all day then go for it if ds doesn't like he can move out. No child adult or not tells a parent what they can an can't do in there own home.

@Bythemillpond

Do you do anything fun? I am one of the 2% who voted YABU as I can understand how your ds feels. I had a mother who constantly cleaned an immaculate house and there was never any time for anything else. Also YABU in ironing. How much stuff actually needs ironing?

If there is only the 3 of you in the house how much cleaning does the place need if it is already immaculate and you keep on top if it every night.
Why does it take 2 full days to clean an already immaculate house
Is this always what has happened. Do you not do anything other than clean on your days off.

Also you chose to take on a mortgage so it is an irrelevant argument with regards to your ds. He didn’t force you to take out a mortgage and leave you to pay it.
You do have to remember it might be your house but it is also his home. Unless you want him out in which case tell him to go.

It's up to the OP how much housework/ironing etc is needed/done when she's the one doing it.

Maybe she enjoys it?

The MN ironing thing really annoys me. For those that don't do it- fine. For those of us that still like things ironed - mind your own business! You're not being asked to do it!

Her son didn't ask her to have a mortgage but it's giving him the benefit of a fully catered hotelhome, so he can shut up or ship out!

He is an adult. He should be pulling his weight. Suggest a convenient time and share the work out.

@BBCONEANDTWO

I have tried to talk to DH - I said went into the room and the first thing he said was 'are you going to apologise'. Difficult.

I said I wanted to talk about what had happened and how I didn't feel supported by him. He told me to 'grow up' I nearly started crying but said that we needed to sort this out as I was so unhappy and couldn't go on like this. He said I needed to think about it and myself. I just left the room. I know people say don't do the silent treatment but I just can't have a proper conversation with him. I'm working tomorrow and have to be properly rested.

Can you bear to go on strike?

Because I would. If he's going to be rude and unhelpful (can see where your son gets it from) they can both sort themselves out.

Hope one of them can work the washing machine

YANBU. My mum is the worst for this. Banging cupboards, bashing the vacuum against the skirting, humming some awful made up tune. When I lived at home I just had to ignore her. It’s her house and I just had to live with it and sleep in ear plugs

All those saying to set up a cleaning rota can I ask what there is to clean if the house is immaculate

As I have said I have been in the sons position in this situation. Being told to clean something that is already clean.
And eventually being told to leave was a relief not a punishment. Eventually everyone of the family left and the cleaning in my mothers eyes was still there. The dust kept settling. She was sectioned several times when the cleaning became too much.
By cleaning I don’t mean normal wiping down of surfaces, tidying and hoovering but polishing the light fittings, polishing the skirting boards and wiping down the walls and ceilings daily.
I did pay for a cleaner for a couple of weeks but apparently the standard of cleaning wasn’t good enough and had to be redone over again.
Am I the only one to see that the amount of cleaning is too much and maybe the rudeness is a fight back. Until the op addresses why she feels the need to clean so much then whether her husband and her son leave it will not address the real root cause of the problem.

nokidshere what do you think will happen to your friends ds after another 11 years of not being able to relax in his own home.
Do you think that he will become the same as the 21year old in this case.

I am wondering whether the dd left to live with her partner or in her eyes escaped.

I do feel like a lone voice but I can see so many similarities that make me think there is more to this than a lazy son and an unsupported husband

I used to open the door when I got in from school and knew by the different sounds of the Hoover whether I was in for several weeks of being screamed at because I was so lazy or if it was going to be a normalish day. I can understand that the ds might be picking up signals in how op walks to know how bad a mood she is in.
Unless you have lived it then I doubt you can understand what I mean. After all a footstep is a footstep and Hoover noise is Hoover noise. Until you notice it isn’t.

It's up to the OP how much housework/ironing etc is needed/done when she's the one doing it.

Well, no, because basic consideration for others in the house has to come into it. You might equally well say that, for instance, it's up to her husband when DIY needs to be done when he's the one doing it, even if he decided to do noisy stuff just when everyone else is relaxing, trying to watch, TV, or it's the middle of the night.

So you are cleaning... wtf is your DH DD DS doing?! You are not a maid!!

Son should say "Mum the cleaning noise is irritating, so I will get up early and we will do 2 hours which will crack it for the week"

My heart really goes out to you OP.

I feel so sorry for you.

Your husband could not be clearer.

Put up, and shut up, either way he doesn't give a shit.

My dearest wish for you, is that you take the space to really get how badly you are treated, and to how little they care about you.

How old are you?

Because I really hope you understand that your life could only be better if you lost your awful husband.

It’s not just the cleaning though is it @Bythemillpond? It would appear the DS doesn’t like her singing, the sound her feet make when walking round the house, doesn’t like her being in the same part of the garden as him

I don't think you are a lone voice, @Bythemillpond. My mother wasn't as bad as yours, but she was a great one for passive-aggressively coming and hoovering around us when she felt we shouldn't be doing whatever we were doing, right down to coming and bumping the vacuum cleaner into table legs when we were trying to do homework at the table. To this day I remember getting a long lecture when she thought I should have done some housework instead of revising. It then emerged that she didn't even know that the reason I was revising so hard was that I had an A Level exam the next day: it was particularly hurtful that she couldn't be bothered to remember when my exams were but could remember to nag about the bloody cleaning.

I suspect the way OP is noisily walking around to show how busy she is comes over the same way. Would it really hurt to give it a complete rest at least one day a week?

His parents might own the house but it is his home as well.

Then he should look after it by doing a bit of housework, and also show respect to the mother who feeds and cares for him by showing her a bit of courtesy.

your son needs to move out if he doesn't like it, cheeky shit.

I want to vote both.

It's your son's home as much as it is yours. He's entitled to some peace and quiet as much as you're entitled to clean however you want, so you need to come to a compromise. Him being rude to you isn't fair, and you throwing the mortgage in his face isn't fair either. And he should be doing some of the cleaning.

Perhaps you go on strike!

@Bythemillpond nokidshere what do you think will happen to your friends ds after another 11 years of not being able to relax in his own home.* Do you think that he will become the same as the 21year old in this case.

I think he will start spending time away from home as often as possible long before then sadly.

Son should say "Mum the cleaning noise is irritating, so I will get up early and we will do 2 hours which will crack it for the week

You do realise that 2 hours isn’t enough if ot takes every night during the week and all of Saturday and Sunday
When it takes that long either they live in a huge house (but even then there are only so many rooms people use) or the cleaning has taken over ops life and the rude remarks are a way of getting back at op because everything is on her terms and the ds and Dh are fed up with having to live under these conditions.

I know people say it is ops house and she can clean all she wants but at some point it tips from being just about wanting a clean house to being a form of control.

You don't have to live like this. It's not the silent treatment if you've tried to talk about it and he won't. You don't have to keep trying to talk to him. Just take some time to decide what you want to do. Sounds like my piece of shit ex. He used to tell me to grow up, like i was a child and he was the one who really knew what was what. He would just try different tactics till i fell back into line. One time i didn't, and i left him. Best decision of my life.