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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I gone too far with my son?

456 replies

BBCONEANDTWO · 27/02/2021 18:22

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

OP posts:

Theoldwrinkley · 28/02/2021 18:06

Read this out to my hubby as I was incredulous that you put up with this crap from your son and hubby!
My hubby reaction was ‘son deserves a good slapping’.
I so agree.

occa · 28/02/2021 18:10

I'd be absolutely furious if that was happening in my house OP, and that fact that it's making you feel sad and downtrodden instead of ragingly angry makes me think there's probably been a long, drawn out process of wearing you down and making you feel devalued and like the least important member of the household.

You get to sing when you want and move around when and as much as you want in your own house and garden. You get to live your life and not have other people dictating to you how you are allowed to behave all the time.

Your DS and DH both sound appalling, frankly. If my teenage DS gave me a dirty look for making a noise or singing or dancing around the sitting room it would never occur to me to stop, I'd giggle at him and do it more.

You have waaaay deeper problems than just this one day. Time to face them head on and tell everyone in the house exactly how you're feeling. If they won't see it or don't care, you need to get extricate yourself from this miserable situation.

P.S. when you throw around ultimatums like saying you're going to move out and then don't do anything about it, it makes contemptuous behaviour worse, not better. Don't say it unless you definitely mean it.

billy1966 · 28/02/2021 18:13

@Theoldwrinkley

Read this out to my hubby as I was incredulous that you put up with this crap from your son and hubby! My hubby reaction was ‘son deserves a good slapping’. I so agree.

Can you imagine any poor woman who gets lumbered with the OP's son, knowing the relationship model he has grown up with.

Ddot · 28/02/2021 18:16

Maybe the both of them could help with house work then it wouldn't take so long. Dole out some chores, that'll shut them up

Alleycat1 · 28/02/2021 18:18

Your DS lives in your house. I would be furious if I were to be told not to sing or go out into my own garden. Your DS has way too much input into how you live your life. Your DH needs to be reminded that the two of you are the unit, not him and DS. Down tools and mean it until they start treating you with respect.

EL8888 · 28/02/2021 18:19

Has your son always been the little Prince in your house? Your husband seems very keen to pussy foot around him. He’s your adult child at the end of the day living in your house, you shouldn’t run it on his terms

Lucyccfc68 · 28/02/2021 18:26

My DS (15) only once complained that I was making too much noise by hoovering (he was watching football on TV). The TV went off and the cheeky little shit was given the hoover and told to do the whole house.

Never happened since.

Your DH and DS need a good kick up the arse - entitled and rude the pair of them.

SunshineCake · 28/02/2021 18:27

Why is it nasty to tell your son you pay the mortgage ? It is like you told him you gave birth to him. He already knows!

overnightangel · 28/02/2021 18:28

Not RTFT but the son sounds like an entitled bell end

SpnBaby1967 · 28/02/2021 18:38

Your son needs a reality check and quickly. DH too.

DS doesnt like you signing, you go and sing your heart out at every opportunity!

Do nothing for DS or DH, until they learn to respect you.

I'd also be tempted to hoover at 7.30am of a weekend right outside DS bedroom door.

I know my Mum used to do all the housework on a saturday morning, like clockwork. She was a SAHM until I was a teenager but that was always her routine. Mum was very like it or lump it.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/02/2021 18:52

Sorry OP but this is no way to live. Not allowed to do anything which might upset son - and that's not chopping his legs off or sending him off to war, it's singing a bit and not daring to go in the garden, even to take out the rubbish, if his Lordship is there.

Keep singing if it makes you happy, take the rubbish out when it suits you. Tell 'D'S that if he doesn't like it he's free to move out and you'll help him pack. Ditto 'D'H. Please don't let them put you through this any longer. You're becoming a shadow of yourself in your own home. And maybe the amount of cleaning is actually your way of feeling that you have control over one thing in your own house when they don't allow you to be in control of yourself.

Original poster

BBCONEANDTWO · 28/02/2021 18:55

I have tried to talk to DH - I said went into the room and the first thing he said was 'are you going to apologise'. Difficult.

I said I wanted to talk about what had happened and how I didn't feel supported by him. He told me to 'grow up' I nearly started crying but said that we needed to sort this out as I was so unhappy and couldn't go on like this. He said I needed to think about it and myself. I just left the room. I know people say don't do the silent treatment but I just can't have a proper conversation with him. I'm working tomorrow and have to be properly rested.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 28/02/2021 18:57

Have you talked to your DS?

VladmirsPoutine · 28/02/2021 18:58

You might have answered this but who owns the house or is it in both names? And do either of them contribute to the running of the household? Please don't get ground down and accept this as your lot for life.

MrsHusky · 28/02/2021 19:00

i think you're taking it a bit far, it is mean to tell a child (Adult or not) who lives with you that you 'pay the mortgage' to gain ground in an argument over what goes on in the house.

Your DH is also allowed his feelings on it. I think its one of those things you need to agree to disagree on, but obviously his lack of respect to you is a seperate issue that you need to address.

PickAChew · 28/02/2021 19:03

Gosh, this is even worse than I expected. You're married to an arrogant, misogynistic bigot who treats you with utter contempt and your son is following in his father's footsteps with knobs on.

I suspect things would get quite nasty as you make plans to leave. Give away as little as possible.

And I bet your daughter knows.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/02/2021 19:04

My response to his saying "Are you going to apologise?" would have been "Are you????"
You are unappreciated in your own house.
Your DH doesn't appreciate you.
Your son doesn't appreciate you.

I think you did nothing wrong in reminding both of them that you aren't their cleaner/cook only, you contribute to the mortgage so you have a say in how the house is run. It shouldn't matter if you are walking around the house like Nelly The Elephant, the way that both of the men in your life have treated you this weekend is appalling. If you have a 'spare sitting room' kick your husband in to it.
I'd use this time to work out if you actually want to stay in the house or not and whether you want to stay with this man or not.
I would recommend making a phone call to a solicitor tomorrow (if you can) and just ask how difficult it would be to get your name removed from the mortgage documents if you wanted to leave. You wouldn't want to leave and still have to contribute to the mortgage there if you have rent to pay elsewhere.

I'm so sorry that these gobshites have shown their true colours to you but in some respects, knowing now what you do, if you're still young, you have loads of your life left to live without them dragging you down!

Wondermule · 28/02/2021 19:04

@MrsHusky

i think you're taking it a bit far, it is mean to tell a child (Adult or not) who lives with you that you 'pay the mortgage' to gain ground in an argument over what goes on in the house.

Your DH is also allowed his feelings on it. I think its one of those things you need to agree to disagree on, but obviously his lack of respect to you is a seperate issue that you need to address.

Yea if they’re a child under 18 who does not have the choice to live elsewhere, but OP’s son is 21! He can gtfo if he doesn’t like it, and pay his own way! He’s an adult!

nokidshere · 28/02/2021 19:12

Of course yanbu they are entitled and rude and definitely need a wake up call. Get a good book and a quiet space and leave them to it for a while at the very least.

This sentence from your first post stood out to me though It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week).

I have a friend who cleans all the time. Their house is immaculate but she still says it's a tip and cleans. Her husband and son (aged 10) just can't relax as she's always cleaning around them and everyone is always on edge. This may or may not be your situation but it seems an odd thing for him to say out of the blue.

Tinkerbell456 · 28/02/2021 19:17

Sorry- he’s complaining about you walking in your own home? The home he lives in for nothing I guess?

BellaBella13 · 28/02/2021 19:20

Suggest you set up a cleaning Rota.

Geordieoldgirl · 28/02/2021 19:21

YANBU! As for DC helping out, It would be nice if all able members of all households helped out with cleaning and tidying. However, I prefer certain things done in a certain way and have found it is much less hassle all round if I do those myself. But unless someone is on night shift or something, surely no one could reasonably object to housework being done in daytime.

godmum56 · 28/02/2021 19:25

If your son doesn't like the way you run YOUR house he can jog on and if your DH doesn't support you then he can be a jogging partner......but setting aside your son....do you think you might be overdoing the cleaning? Could it be a stress related thing for you?

3babylady · 28/02/2021 19:27

I'd of added in if he can clean in silence go ahead and be my guest.

Yanbu OP.
In the slightest.

Bondixx · 28/02/2021 19:27

Wow you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable, but - your DH is being a right AS!&@LE. Pass it on for me... Do either DH or DS help around the house regularly?? I doubt it. DS should learn that if he opens his mouth about his mum cleaning up on her days off there will be consequences!

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