WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

@Whooptydooperbounce They will start a risk assessment, and involved out of hours Social Care initially.

I can only talk about a situation that happened to me (no children), a medical professional referred me to an emergency social worker at 5pm one evening - it was classed as high risk, I was interviewed by social workers the next day, and police the following day.

There was a shed load going on in the background that I was totally unaware of.

Contact MASH in your area (multi sage by safeguarding hub). You can do this anonymously- you can give the child’s details without leaving your own. I would also contact the safeguarding team or pastoral team (head of year/ head of house etc) at her school. All will know if the family are known to children’s services. They can take it up from there. Don’t intervene yourself other than to allow the friend in.

*agency not sage

@Whooptydooperbounce

Yes - it's hearsay from the OP's dd. She didn't witness it, therefore it's hearsay.

It doesn’t matter. It’s a safeguarding issue. I’ve had disclosures made to me, I didn’t witness it personally. I still still have a duty of care to report. This is exactly the same.

Report to the professionals - police or out of hours social services and let them take over. You’re not a professional and you may have that crucial piece of the jigsaw.

You should be really proud of your daughter for realising this needed passing on and did so.

I would ring nspcc rather than school. I told school something my dd told me and thise involved denied it. They phoned parents who threatened to beat up the interfering bitch (me) so friend told them someone had made it up. Never went any further. I am not saying don’t take action, but it would be an awful lot better if the mum herself has support talking to the police.

@Highlights12

What about the relative they stayed with previously, they must know something isn't right within the family

Wouldn't count on it. None of my relatives had a clue. My dad was very good at looking like the perfect family man. My friends were jealous of me having him as a dad. The neighbours must have heard but did eff all.

I suppose it's worth a try though?

@Jamboree01

Contact MASH in your area (multi sage by safeguarding hub). You can do this anonymously- you can give the child’s details without leaving your own. I would also contact the safeguarding team or pastoral team (head of year/ head of house etc) at her school. All will know if the family are known to children’s services. They can take it up from there. Don’t intervene yourself other than to allow the friend in.

Just in case - it's not called MASH in all areas, local authorities use different terms.

It's something I would change, I think each area should use the same terms to avoid confusion and make things safer.

Please just call the police and report what you know. They will investigate; that's not for anyone else to do. They will provide support and appropriate services.

You do not need to wait or report to anyone else for advice - it will slow down the response. If the girl herself disclosed this at school (which is obviously a function it serves as a place for her to access help) it would be reported to the police, as school isn't actually a catch all to deal with every wellbeing or safeguarding issue independently. Waiting until they open on Monday to pass it to them doesn't help or change what will happen, as it isn't actually their domain anymore than yours. Anyone can, and ought to, report concerns

@hopegone

Yes agree. SS out of hours and/or police and once weekend is over school but definitely don't rely just on school.

Oh god yes!! But from the friend's perspective, she'll be rightly terrified of this happening as it will have consequences for her Dad too. So maybe this is why she hasn't told Dad.

@Whooptydooperbounce

Maybe Dad should kill StepDad!

I fucking would!! I wouldn't actually. But I'd certainly fucking do something about it.

Sorry quoted wrong post.

Oh god yes!! But from the friend's perspective, she'll be rightly terrified of this happening as it will have consequences for her Dad too. So maybe this is why she hasn't told Dad.

@andannabegins

OP a very similar thing happened in our house. My DD has a friend who has a violent Dad. She had been telling my DD about what had been going on and I said to make it clear that our house was ways a safe space for her. A while ago we got a call in the night that he had hit her and immediately went and picked her up and kept her here for a few days (I know it was lockdown but she wasn't safe). The dad threatened at first to call 999 if she was t brought back but realised he was best giving her space. She went home again but I called school to make sure they knew about the situation and in case the school had any concerns that this added to. The school checked in on the family and I know my mentioning it to them was never raised with the family. You have a safeguarding responsibility to the child and you don't know what has gone on before that your information can help build a bigger picture of

Yes I've told DD to tell her friend the same - which she's done now. She's welcome here day or night and I'll go and pick her up if I have to. I've told DD that.

@ljs1979 you won't be breaking lockdown rules as it would be to escape domestic abuse for the girl to stay with you.

@ljs1979 a friend of mine was murdered by her partner. This is a time you will need to be very brave and get report it to appropriate people. Not only is there a risk to your dd's friend and her Mum. But the 5 year old witnessing violence is being abused too. He may have been asleep that time, but it's clear he won't always. And often it's only a matter of time.

Situations like this are so hard.

A disclosure is a disclosure, it's not to do with hearsay or not.

Many children try to disclose several times before anything happens.

Just to reach that stage is a significant and brave step.

@Thimbleberries

Can you not find out from your DD or her friend what the primary school of the little boy is? It would be fairly easy to do as part of small talk sort of conversation about lockdown or home schooling or whatever. Then that would give you an extra option of places to report, and then the friend might not have to know that the report came via you.

She's going for a walk and picnic with her tomorrow so she's going to ask how things are at home etc, and see if she wants to come back to ours for a bit. I've told her to keep it like casual chit chat, just a casual invite etc, and then I can chat to her. It'll be the first time I've met her so I can ask general questions like about her little brother etc and I'll ask as part of that conversation which school he's at.

Do we know who father of Girl is? Can he intervene?

But agree. Sadly you need to intervene. I think you know that. I don’t envy your situation. I had to report something lower on the scale and I worried about that. Force be with you.....

I would contact the local safeguarding team as well. If you google ‘local safeguarding +your county) you’ll find the correct number.
They’re usually very helpful and will talk you through what is the best thing to do.
I’ve had to contact them twice over the years, once through being an optometrist and the other when I was worried about a child at DS1’s school. For the latter they asked me to contact the safeguarding lead at the school directly.

*OP there is mixed advice here which is confusing for you, and actually a really interesting reflection on how many people are confused about what to do about abuse and criminal activity, if it weren’t such an immediate worry.
*
Yes! Just trying to read through it all now and make sense of what I should do.

@TSBelliot

Don’t contact either mother or daughter. Contact the duty SW team or the police. School are an equally valid option but may not be able to action it until Monday. Regardless of who else you speak to also speak to school on Monday.

It is not your job to gain any more facts, you report what you know to the experts who are the people who deal with this all the time. You don’t delay while you find out more. At best it’s a lie for attention at worst it’s a violent partner and the next assault, which could be tonight is worse.

Everybody with any safeguarding responsibility, will tell you to do the same.

This

OP You are getting yourself far too involved in this and it may be at a detriment to any investigation.

Please just report it - you have no idea how to question a child who is being abused sensitively, and without potentially impacting with a future investigation, or criminal court case.

Do we know who father of Girl is? Can he intervene?

I don't know him (or any of the family) - but DD says he's involved, sees the friend EOW, but that he knows nothing of the abusive stepdad.

@NikeSpikeBike

OP You are getting yourself far too involved in this and it may be at a detriment to any investigation.

Please just report it - you have no idea how to question a child who is being abused sensitively, and without potentially impacting with a future investigation, or criminal court case.

I don't plan to question her about the abuse - that's not what I meant. Just to chat to her generally and get to know her so she feels this is a safe place for her. I thought I could maybe find out the little brother's school through general chit chat, that's all.

Sorry OP, but that's not your responsibility and you are not trained. Mean that in a kind way- it's too much pressure on yourself.

You don't know the extent of the abuse and in all likelihood the police / SS are already aware. Your delay could cause problems. Your report could simply reinforce the case and provide further background to a case that is already being dealt with.

@ILoveJVT

Sorry OP, but that's not your responsibility and you are not trained. Mean that in a kind way- it's too much pressure on yourself.

You don't know the extent of the abuse and in all likelihood the police / SS are already aware. Your delay could cause problems. Your report could simply reinforce the case and provide further background to a case that is already being dealt with.

Sorry what do you mean, what isn't my responsibility?

Just trying to read through all the comments - there's been a lot since I went for my tea!