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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that lesbians deserve a dating app that caters exclusively to lesbians?

475 replies

Glinner · 27/02/2021 16:32

Recently I opened an account with the app Her to bring attention to the many straight men invading lesbian dating apps by claiming a 'lesbian', 'queer' or 'trans' identity.

Given that lesbians are adult human females exclusively attracted to other adult human females, am I being unreasonable to believe that lesbians deserve spaces of their own, both online and in the real world?

OP posts:
justletmeadoreyou · 28/02/2021 12:17

Glinner went onto a website that is specifically inclusive towards trans people, screenshotted numerous trans people’s profiles and posted them online to mock.

I do not think that is heroic and cannot respect it, no matter what message he is using to defend it.

cascade31 · 28/02/2021 12:20

i'm not sure if this would be a correct analogy but here goes

I initially joined mumsnet 18 years ago, why? because I was a new mother who wanted to talk and get advice from other mothers.

I have stayed on this site because It's amazing to hear other women's opinions on a whole range of subjects. Some I agree and some I disagree.

Now imagine what if this site was now out weighted with men who identified as mothers.

less female mothers voices were heard as the male mothers dominated the conversations. I become frustrated and think ok I will join another site but again every mothers site is now dominated with male mothers. I know feel my voice is not heard and all female mothers have no place to go.

So I decide to create a new site that is only female mothers but I start getting abuse and being told i'm not "inclusive" everywhere I go on social media I am hounded.

This is how some lesbians feel, that everywhere they go their voice, feelings, wants or interests are being over taken by the wants of another group of people.

As people have pointed out this is a small section of how women's voices and needs are being eroded by predominately male people.

Linning · 28/02/2021 12:20

[quote Shamoo]@Linning - you are brilliant, and thank you for everything you have said on here.

It’s clear that there are people on here who have no interest actually debating and learning from what others are sharing. They, as straight women (and men), wish to tell lesbians how they should feel. When lesbians clearly point out various conflicting opinions and facts, or challenge other issues which are ignored, there is no meaningful engagement on those points. Just more responses trying to tell us we are wrong.

The irony is astounding. Don’t let trans people take lesbian spaces, but don’t worry about straight people doing it! And, as Linning says, suggests a complete lack of awareness. Or perhaps complete awareness but a very strong agenda that they are happy to push in “support” of a lesbian community where plenty of those lesbians say they have no issue with the situation.

As a reminder for the people who have arrived on this thread this morning and I assume haven’t bothered to read the whole thread from what they are typing; the app in question is totally clear that it is not for lesbians only. Completely clear. If you feel that lesbians deserve a dating app just for them, create it. I’m sure that you, unlike the many who have come before you, will find a way to make it sustainable in the lesbian community. If you could also turn your attention to dealing with the dating sites and apps that have caused me far far more issues over the years (dick picks, vile emails and texts) that have absolutely zero to do with the trans or queer community, I would actually really appreciate that.[/quote]
Thank you, I have also appreciated your posts!

Taking a step back from this thread and letting the straight women who seem hell-bend on sharing their views and being more outraged at what’s happening in lesbian spaces than the actual lesbians and speaking on behalf of them.

It’s funny how straight women have managed to make lesbians want to walk away from a thread about them and their struggles because they were so keen on taking over and speaking over us all while denouncing men and transwomen doing the same and how outrageous it is.

I agree with you, in wishing they would focus on things that have actually caused me hardships (which aren’t the apps that clearly advertise what they are about) alas, not sure it’s as satisfying to them as creating debates we haven’t asked for.

Dalyesque · 28/02/2021 12:22

Because we are all supposed to use the “correct” pronouns for women..she /her, for men. Glimmer no worse than any other person who is not female and not lesbian on the site.

Shamoo · 28/02/2021 12:23

@SunsetBeetch are you a lesbian?

PurpleHoodie · 28/02/2021 12:25

The question being posed, by the way, is not 'do you condone this particular action as a way of drawing attention to this issue?

Very good point.

The actual question asked in this thread title is:

"AIBU to think that lesbians deserve a dating app that caters exclusively to lesbians?"

The answer of course yanbu.

Homosexual/same-sex loving women deserve their own dating app OR to be able state on any dating app that they are interested ONLY in lesbian relationships.

Lesbian = Homosexual Adult Human Female.

Its like people are adamant the Gay Rights movement never happened.

notyourhandmaid · 28/02/2021 12:29

Also, please don't assume people's sexuality if they haven't indicated it. Plenty of lesbians here and to assume otherwise because it's 'Mums'net is incredibly homophobic.

Linning · 28/02/2021 12:30

@cascade31

i'm not sure if this would be a correct analogy but here goes

I initially joined mumsnet 18 years ago, why? because I was a new mother who wanted to talk and get advice from other mothers.

I have stayed on this site because It's amazing to hear other women's opinions on a whole range of subjects. Some I agree and some I disagree.

Now imagine what if this site was now out weighted with men who identified as mothers.

less female mothers voices were heard as the male mothers dominated the conversations. I become frustrated and think ok I will join another site but again every mothers site is now dominated with male mothers. I know feel my voice is not heard and all female mothers have no place to go.

So I decide to create a new site that is only female mothers but I start getting abuse and being told i'm not "inclusive" everywhere I go on social media I am hounded.

This is how some lesbians feel, that everywhere they go their voice, feelings, wants or interests are being over taken by the wants of another group of people.

As people have pointed out this is a small section of how women's voices and needs are being eroded by predominately male people.

Mumsnet is an inclusive website, and isn’t made for mothers specifically. This specific thread was made by a man?

It’s also an anonymous forum with a massive amount of troll posters. For all you know we might all be transwomen pretending to be mums?

The same way I don’t go on an anonymous forum expecting everyone to be who they say they are, I don’t expect to go on an app that states clearly that trans people are welcome and expect it to be female only.

HER at least states clearly that they accept transwomen, Mumsnet seem to have duped you into thinking it’s a forum exclusively for mums and women (it’s not). I find the latter more problematic than the first personally.

Mockolate · 28/02/2021 12:31

Where's anybody done that? (Assumed someone's sexuality, I mean?)

justletmeadoreyou · 28/02/2021 12:32

@Dalyesque

Because we are all supposed to use the “correct” pronouns for women..she /her, for men. Glimmer no worse than any other person who is not female and not lesbian on the site.
Is anyone else, female or otherwise, posting screenshots on popular blogs of other platform users so they can be mocked? Not as far as I’ve seen...
Liquorishtoffee · 28/02/2021 12:36

@Ereshkigalangcleg

I see lady gaga was accused of being transphobic because she put up a reward for her dogs to be returned.

Eh?

Because she didn’t donate the (rather a lot) of money to those seeking to raise money for surgery instead.

Of course I was just Confused that she didn’t say she was offering a reward for the arrest of the person/people who shot her dog walker...

notyourhandmaid · 28/02/2021 12:37

@Mockolate

Where's anybody done that? (Assumed someone's sexuality, I mean?)
the various comments about 'straight women' - obviously
cascade31 · 28/02/2021 12:38

no i'm saying that, predominately this site is mainly female people. I am well aware there are men and trans people on this site.

This site does hear my voice and there are plenty of people of whom I can identify with.

It also doesn't try to censor my voice (well not too much)

The main point is a lesbian who put in their bio she wanted to only meet other biological lesbians, was censored and told she wasn't inclusive so removed her from the site.

Again I go back to the point of language. Is a male person who identifies as a women and identifies as a lesbian. Is that person a lesbian? or should their be a different category/word that describes that person?

Should a women be thrown off a site because she stated she only wanted to date/hear from other biological females.

Mockolate · 28/02/2021 12:40

the various comments about 'straight women' - obviously

That's referring to the posts that have already said they're straight but speaking over and for those who aren't by saying "not welcome" etc.
Not assuming anyone's.

Linning · 28/02/2021 12:41

Uh, you realize that a good chunks of the comments have been “I am straight but...” or “I am not a lesbian but...”

Nobody is assuming there aren’t lesbians agreeing and disagreeing with the topic at hand but nobody assumes random people are straight. People have announced they are straight (some the most vocals and present on this thread), are we supposed to pretend they are not and not address the fact they are straight when they have stated it themselves @notyourhandmaid ?

PurpleHoodie · 28/02/2021 12:41

notyourhandmaid

Also, please don't assume people's sexuality if they haven't indicated it. Plenty of lesbians here and to assume otherwise because it's 'Mums'net is incredibly homophobic.

Well said.

PurpleHoodie · 28/02/2021 12:44

Repeating this again -

"Homosexual/same-sex loving women deserve their own dating app OR to be able state on any dating app that they are interested ONLY in lesbian relationships.

Lesbian = Homosexual Adult Human Female.

Its like people are adamant the Gay Rights movement never happened.

But also as -

Homosexual/same-sex loving men deserve their own dating app OR to be able state on any dating app that they are interested ONLY in gay relationships.

Gay man = Homosexual Adult Human Male.

Its like people are adamant the Gay Rights movement never happened.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 28/02/2021 12:44

Because she didn’t donate the (rather a lot) of money to those seeking to raise money for surgery instead.

Wow.

PurpleHoodie · 28/02/2021 12:45

Grifters gotta grift.

Mockolate · 28/02/2021 12:47

Is anyone else, female or otherwise, posting screenshots on popular blogs of other platform users so they can be mocked? Not as far as I’ve seen...

This
Also isn't that outing people a bit as well?
People might not know they're on dating sites, or they might not have come out yet, but their pictures are lifted and put elsewhere for people who can comment on them and mock them.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 28/02/2021 12:49

People have announced they are straight (some the most vocals and present on this thread), are we supposed to pretend they are not and not address the fact they are straight when they have stated it themselves @notyourhandmaid ?

Yes, I was being honest about my perspective. If I had not been, and changed names, you wouldn't have known. You have assumed other people's sexuality, as not everyone posting on this thread has announced theirs. Plus, you seem to be advocating for these definitions to be utterly meaningless anyway.

Mockolate · 28/02/2021 12:50

You have assumed other people's sexuality

No she hasn't Confused

Ereshkigalangcleg · 28/02/2021 12:53

"Don't pretend... that most trans inclusive women aren't perfectly happy for their male friends of all gender identities to talk over GC women about women's rights.

A relevant comment I made earlier. Do you similarly call out these people, male and female, Linning?

AtSwimTwoBerts · 28/02/2021 12:54

I absolutely would look you in the eye and remind you that Her app is for all queer folx and not only cis-gender lesbians. There is no invasion

It's called HER, but it's not for women? At the very least it's bad marketing.

MrsBrunch · 28/02/2021 12:55

There's a lot of sunlight on this thread.

It's amazing how the simple 'AIBU to think that lesbians deserve a dating app that caters exclusively to lesbians?' can cause such anger.

I wonder at the 10% that think they don't, and why.

I hope that lots more lurkers are reading this thread and starting to understand what women are up against and how nasty it can get.