DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

Why are women always pandering men?

@Daphnise

You do not tell another person to get sterilised.

It may not be that long before nature takes it course and you no longer conceive.

Think of it that way.

🤦‍♀️

He’s not selfish. If he doesn’t want a vasectomy that’s his choice to make. There’s plenty of non-hormonal contraceptives available. No need for surgery.

People keep saying tell him it’s codons or the snip.

Op has said SHE hates condoms. If that’s the case perhaps she would prefer to be sterilised than use them and that is up to her.

I couldn’t imagine putting myself through any further discomfort at all, let alone a general anaesthetic, for a man who couldn’t even DISCUSS why he couldn’t have a relatively quick procedure involving a local anaesthetic. Relationships should be based on communication and equality.

You can't get blood out of a stone, so will look to the GP on sterilisation advice

No, no this is a terrible conclusion. Don’t sacrifice your own body to this.

What if you got complications? Vaginal procedure has 24% complication rate.

Cokie3 that is too harsh, women do not have good choices in sexist Britain. It's entirely possible that a man will walk out if he is faced with the choice of having the operation for a woman or no sex. This is the amazingly wonderful and equal country we live in. It's alarming that so much is going backwards for women, so that most posters even on a female-oriented site now go on about how you can never force a man to have an operation that impacts women, forcing them to take the poor choices. The impact of female sterilisation is huge compared to that of the male, the choice of contraception for us carries risks that are deemed unacceptably high for men, the burden of risk we carry in bearing their children is so high, and what do we get back for it?

@SweetPetrichor

He’s not selfish. If he doesn’t want a vasectomy that’s his choice to make. There’s plenty of non-hormonal contraceptives available. No need for surgery.

His attitude about it is selfish. It's very much a joint decision within a marriage, this one. He's refusing to share his feelings, and therefore refusing to permit any couple-based decision.

What you're saying is the same as saying OP wouldn't be selfish to unilaterally decide that there would never be sex within their relationship again, without giving any reason to discuss why. She'd be within her personal rights, but it wouldn't be very fair of her.

You can't make him have a procedure but I don't think yabu to ask him to seriously consider it. If he researches it that might reassure him.

I was clear with dh after dc2 was born that my preference was for him to have a vasectomy. I was 31 and there was no way I was going to be taking the pill for the next 15 years. Fortunately he had the snip a year after dc2's birth.

@Jeanswithanicetop

I couldn’t imagine putting myself through any further discomfort at all, let alone a general anaesthetic, for a man who couldn’t even DISCUSS why he couldn’t have a relatively quick procedure involving a local anaesthetic. Relationships should be based on communication and equality.

Yep.

You can learn about natural family planning where you watch your body signs and avoid times of the month when you are fertile.

Also known as unprotected sex.

[quote Cokie3]@ViciousJackdaw What is a 'doddle'?

Btw, regardless of change, it is still General Anaesthetic, which in itself is a big risk. The snip is Local Anaesthetic.[/quote]
It is an informal British slang word for something that is simple and easy.

@scaevola

Bodily autonomy matters.

If he does not want to have his fertility surgically removed, no matter how inconvenient that is to you, it is a decision that must be respected.

It is a procedure with 10% chance of the serious, enduring complications (these lasting months, requiring more surgery to fix, or causing pain that may persist even externally de-nervation). No one should be cajoled, blackmailed or whatever into taking those risks if they are disinclined so to do.

Which does not solve your contraceptive question, OP. But then again, neither with mithering him about his reasons. People can and should exercise bodily autonomy without need to justify their choice, even to a spouse.

Can you provide a source for those numbers?

Whilst body autonomy is important, in a relationship both parties should be responsible for contraception, just like everything else, and he doesn't sound like some who is prepared to do that.

@Cokie3

I haven't "given in" I mentioned in my OP that I would ask about sterilisation and I also said that DH thought that it was a bit extreme. He didn't start jumping up and down and booking the GP appointment for me.

I was sterilised aged around 34; DH is younger, he was 27 we have two kids.
He was happy to have the snip but I felt if he died prematurely and I remarried, I would not want any more kids, whereas if I died his new partner would probably be younger than him and want her own children.

I am kind like that
Our GP tried to talk me out of it. He assumed DH was frightened of the snip “It won’t make you any less of a man, you know” , but in end I had my way.
A very good decision.

@prh47bridge, you'd better start trying to rationalise your fear compared to the risks we run. How frightened do you think we are when thinking about pregnancy? I nearly died in my second childbirth too. How scary do you think that was?

Men need to step up.

@MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes

Cokie3 that is too harsh, women do not have good choices in sexist Britain. It's entirely possible that a man will walk out if he is faced with the choice of having the operation for a woman or no sex. This is the amazingly wonderful and equal country we live in. It's alarming that so much is going backwards for women, so that most posters even on a female-oriented site now go on about how you can never force a man to have an operation that impacts women, forcing them to take the poor choices. The impact of female sterilisation is huge compared to that of the male, the choice of contraception for us carries risks that are deemed unacceptably high for men, the burden of risk we carry in bearing their children is so high, and what do we get back for it?

Well let him walk out. Let him! That's my point. He doesn't sound like a decent man anyway. It might be to her benefit if he did. And if he walked out, it would only prove that.

He's not being "ridiculously selfish" to not want surgery!

Sorry OP but if you're so adamant you don't want anymore and don't want to use contraception, why can't you have the tubal ligation surgery?

Your wants to not take contraception don't trump his wants to not have surgery, you need a solution you're both happy with. It doesn't make either of you selfish.

To put this in context:

Although vasectomy is cheaper, safer, quicker and more reliable than female sterilization (1 pregnancy per 100): in the US, 9% of men get vasectomies, compared to 27% of women get tubal ligations.

Don’t know the U.K. stats.

OP o completely agree that it's a difficult one to balance and I wouldn't particularly day that either of you were being unreasonable to begin with.

However, the "I'm not having it. End of" and no further discussion would piss me off to such an extent that I would absolutely go with, "OK, well no sex until you come up with an alternative, then. And by the way, I'm not going on more hormones. End of."

If he wants to lay down the law without any form of discussion, he can bloody well be left with the ball in his court!

It doesn't become solely your responsibility to solve the issue just because he's being belligerent and thinks he can win a game of chicken (the cheeky sod)!

@Lou98 why the hell should OP have surgery just because he refuses to?

[quote FirstladyKirkman]@Cokie3

I haven't "given in" I mentioned in my OP that I would ask about sterilisation and I also said that DH thought that it was a bit extreme. He didn't start jumping up and down and booking the GP appointment for me.[/quote]
Well he doesn’t have to does he? You’ve always rolled over before so that his sex life can continue with no effort from him, why would it be different now?

[quote FirstladyKirkman]@Cokie3

I haven't "given in" I mentioned in my OP that I would ask about sterilisation and I also said that DH thought that it was a bit extreme. He didn't start jumping up and down and booking the GP appointment for me.[/quote]
@FirstladyKirkman I know that. I know that you said he wasn't keep on you getting the op. My point is, you shouldn't even have to be entertaining the idea/or even entertain it anyway.

Honestly, do you really even want to have a sexual relationship with him? You could do so much better. You shouldn't even be entertaining the idea of the op. You've done more than your fair share. Why should you go through a General Anaesthetic for a pig that won't even discuss with you like a mature adult his reasons? My point is, why do you even
want to have sex with him? If I were you I wouldn't even touch him with a 10 foot pole. You can do so much better than him. He is not worth undergoing a General Anaesthetic for.

People saying "his body, his choice" are ignoring the fact that HIS choice impacts on OP.

After the OP has had 2 children and many years of dealing with the contraception of the couple, taking on 100% of the responsibility of the couple's reproductive labour, he is now vetoing the one path that sees him finally take a shared bit of that responsibility. He doesn't even have the common decency to have the discussion about it, he just shuts down and pushes it straight back on the woman.

It is in fact THEIR bodies, his choice in this scenario - he is safe in the knowledge that he can refuse to address it and the biological consequences will fall on his wife, whether that's the risks of a third pregnancy, the risks and heartache of an abortion, or the risks associated with any form of contraception or surgery.

He is selfish and I would lose respect for a man who not only made that choice, but did so without thinking I deserved a proper explanation.

@Cokie3 and are you going to help her to raise the children on her own? Who will?