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Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:46

@rawalpindithelabrador

They are also easy to recover from I've heard and leave minimal scarring.

From what you've heard? Having pieces of her body removed so he can keep squirting away? It's surgery under a GA! My SIL was in tremendous pain from the gas put into her abdomen and one of her incisions became infected.

Totally agree
rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 13:47

I don't think this is true. I think some men are hedging their bets in case of a second marriage.

Yep, and plenty of women around willing to have more and more kids with these guys.

Bagamoyo1 · 27/02/2021 13:47

@Chickychickydodah

Sterilisation is an easy option these days. In and out same day. Keyhole. 🤷‍♀️
Whist it may be true that it’s an easier procedure these days, it’s actually rarely done. Unless there are compelling reasons not to, women are advised to try the Mirena coil first. Gynaecologists are reluctant to perform operations unless non surgical options have been tried.
Eckhart · 27/02/2021 13:51

[quote FirstladyKirkman]@TheSpottedZebra

No reason given. Just "I'm not having it done. End of". When I ask for a rationale that gets repeated.[/quote]
He's not interested in finding a way forward that suits you both, then.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 27/02/2021 13:51

I don't believe the copper coil causes heavy bleeding

I guess you've never spoken to someone it's actually happened to then (for example, me). FFS the ignorance.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:51

@Esspee

When my second was six weeks old I had my tubes tied/cut or whatever they do. The incision was via my navel, it was quick simple and successful and did not leave a scar I can see. Never regretted it.
sounds like DH’s vasectomy (apart from the navel bit)
oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 13:52

I think some of it is a kind of preciousness, he is the important one therefore he must be left intact and pristine whilst her body bears the brunt of everything, it's just another way of subordinating women

DreamEvenBigger · 27/02/2021 13:52

No means no 🤷‍♀️

If you don’t want to continue doing what you’re doing and he doesn’t want this, you’re going to have to come up with an alternative between you.

Original poster
FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 13:54

Cor, was only on 2 pages when I went shopping!!!

Thankyou all for your responses.

Whilst I am still very much of the opinion that it's his turn now, I would never force him to have it done. I am also very much of the opinion that I don't want anymore children. You can't get blood out of a stone, so will look to the GP on sterilisation advice. Thank you all 😊

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 27/02/2021 13:54

@longtompot

My dh won't have the snip due to having keloid skin which scars very badly. A small mole he had removed from his back resulted in a scar larger than the original mole. The worry of having that in his nether region is what puts him off. Every now and then he thinks right, I can do this, and speaks to the gp, but it always ends up with the same result. It doesn't stop me from being a bit resentful that he won't do it as I have been the one who has had all the hormones over the years. But I do understand why.
At least he's considered it, and has a valid reason not to!
rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 13:55

@FirstladyKirkman

Cor, was only on 2 pages when I went shopping!!!

Thankyou all for your responses.

Whilst I am still very much of the opinion that it's his turn now, I would never force him to have it done. I am also very much of the opinion that I don't want anymore children. You can't get blood out of a stone, so will look to the GP on sterilisation advice. Thank you all 😊

Many trusts are no longer funding female sterilisation, as it's obviously much more expensive than coils or vasectomies.
DedlyMedally · 27/02/2021 13:55

You can't really make someone get a procedure they don't want.
Whenever a woman wants kids and a man doesn't, the common advice is that if he doesn't want kids, it's on him to stop it.
I think it goes the same here for you OP. If you're sure you won't want kids, and that stands even if your current relationship ends, then you're better off getting the snip yourself.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 27/02/2021 13:56

I’m astonished there are people who think that female sterilisation involves a hysterectomy. It absolutely does not involve removal of the uterus.

That aside; neither of you is unreasonable not to want to undergo a medical procedure that carries (even a low) risk of adverse side effects. Statistically female sterilisation carries more risk. But both procedures are low risk.

However, given the general proposition that personal autonomy and agency in respect of ones own body is pretty important, you are being entirely unreasonable in trying to persuade your DH to do this against his will. He is not trying to push you into sterilisation. In fact rather the opposite. You should respect his boundaries.

phoenixrosehere · 27/02/2021 13:57

Nowhere is the OP saying that she is forcing her husband to have a vasectomy. She asked if he was being selfish.

Considering that he expects you to fully carry the burden shows he is happy as long as it doesn’t involve HIS body. He doesn’t seem to care that you have to either take something, place something on you or have something inserted inside of you, doesn’t care that you went through pregnancies and also suffered PND.

He, of course, can make decisions about his body, but he is doing so at the expense and risk of yours to continue to have penetrative sex with you.

What is baffling is that he thinks a hysterectomy is too extreme but doesn’t like or want to use condoms. Why? Are you sure he actually doesn’t want more kids?

I hope he’s not one of those blokes that is against it because he likes knowing he can get a woman pregnant or thinks he’s going to be less of a man by having a vasectomy.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 27/02/2021 13:57

Just seen your update. 😊

prh47bridge · 27/02/2021 13:58

And wasn't the trial for the male contraceptive pilll stopped because of minor side effects? Side effects that are considered perfectly normal for women on the pill?

No, that isn't true. The male contraceptive pill has passed initial safety tests. The delay in getting it into production is mainly because the pharmaceutical industry isn't behind it, so progress relies entirely on charitable and academic funding. The industry isn't convinced there is enough of a market for the male pill, in part because they aren't convinced that women would trust men to take it reliably.

On the original question, I don't think the OP is being selfish. Equally, I'm not surprised at her husband's unwillingness to get a vasectomy. As a man, I find the idea of a vasectomy terrifying. I know I'm not alone. Nothing to do with hedging my bets - I'm on my third marriage and definitely don't want any more children. I can't rationalise or explain it.

FixTheBone · 27/02/2021 13:58

A lot of shouting and anger over something that's actually pretty simple.

You don't want more children.

Option A - stop having sex

Option B - mutually agree what form of contraception to use.

If option b needs a trip to the GP or a family planning counsellor in order to resolve it, so be it.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:59

@FirstladyKirkman

Cor, was only on 2 pages when I went shopping!!!

Thankyou all for your responses.

Whilst I am still very much of the opinion that it's his turn now, I would never force him to have it done. I am also very much of the opinion that I don't want anymore children. You can't get blood out of a stone, so will look to the GP on sterilisation advice. Thank you all 😊

I hope he appreciates you doing that for him so he can continue to have sex without consequences, and that if you have anything done the procedure isn’t painful or uncomfortable
Eckhart · 27/02/2021 13:59

Doesn't it make you not want to have sex with him, though? He doesn't sound respectful of you. That'd turn me right off.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 27/02/2021 14:00

Yes this @Eckhart. I just wouldn't be able to look at him and feel like I wanted to have sex with him if he thought this was okay.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 14:08

This reply has been deleted

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ViciousJackdaw · 27/02/2021 14:10

@Chickychickydodah

Sterilisation is an easy option these days. In and out same day. Keyhole. 🤷‍♀️
I've not been sterilised as such but I have had my tubes out, individually. One was removed when I was in decent health and it was a doddle. Two teeny little scars, one of which is in the navel. In the early 80s, DM was sterilised and stayed in hospital for a week. Huge abdominal scar. Things really have changed.
DimOndCadwAnadlu · 27/02/2021 14:11

My BIL had the snip because my sister almost died having their 4th child. They both agreed no more so he had the snip.

Roll on 3 years and my sister cheats on BIL and gets pregnant and keeps the baby the less said about what I think of her the better.

I've always though that sterilisation should be for the person who doesn't want anymore children, not their 'partner' because what tomorrow looks like is promised to no one...my sister being a cheating cowbag just cemented that viewpoint.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 14:11

OP your husband is a pig. Why would you even want to sleep with him anyway? Surely his attitude is the best contraception.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 14:13

@ViciousJackdaw What is a 'doddle'?

Btw, regardless of change, it is still General Anaesthetic, which in itself is a big risk. The snip is Local Anaesthetic.

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