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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 14:33

One cannot find a mutually agreeable solution if the other party will not make any compromises, it could be argued that the woman has already made her compromises because she has borne the burden of contraception and childbirth
This man is just saying my way or no way, he is refusing to negotiate, he is acting as if his word is law and she is his subordinate

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 14:35

It is unfair that the contraceptive burden is on women but that’s down to biology rather than a misogynistic element. Altering one monthly cycle through medically altering hormones and being reversible is a much easier than altering hormones to stop 24/7 production of sperm.

Ultimately, I personally don’t feel that anyone has the right to dictate what someone does to their body. Regardless of what has happened previously (presuming that you also had an input into whether or not you had pregnancies or took hormonal contraception) there is no ‘debt’, it’s not a transactional scenario. It also benefitted you and you would have likely made similar decisions in a different relationship.

I’m not claiming to know what the answer is to OP’s particular situation but if her DH is adamant he doesn’t want a vasectomy then that option is simply off the table.

WWJackieWeaverD · 27/02/2021 14:35

PearPuddingPie makes an excellent point about who bears the consequences for contraception failing. I doubt he's thought of it like that (he doesn't have to, does he?)

Lou98 · 27/02/2021 14:36

[quote TatianaBis]@Lou98 why the hell should OP have surgery just because he refuses to?[/quote]

I never said that, I said if she's adamant she doesn't want more and he doesn't want surgery (which he is entitled to) then she should look in to it (also her choice). I also said that they need to come up with a solution they're both happy with, not just one of them, but I see you chose to ignore that

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 14:37

@Lou98

He's not being "ridiculously selfish" to not want surgery!

Sorry OP but if you're so adamant you don't want anymore and don't want to use contraception, why can't you have the tubal ligation surgery?

Your wants to not take contraception don't trump his wants to not have surgery, you need a solution you're both happy with. It doesn't make either of you selfish.

@Lou98 He IS being ridiculously selfish in not even considering it!

Considering she has done MORE than her fair share of hormones, contraception, pregnancy and childbirth, why the fuck SHOULD she HAVE to have a tubal ligation surgery with General Anaesthetic? Why should she ALWAYS take the risk, and he do nothing?

The answer should not be her undergoing General Anaesthetic to have the tubal ligation. The answer should be no sex until he changes his mind (it's his sperm that is getting her pregnant after all) or the condom. I don't even agree with coils and all that rubbish inserted into women. I think she has done her part and should do absolutely nothing until he works out an alternative. No sex until he works out something.

rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 14:37

They won't sterilise you. They'll insist you try coils first. And again, many trusts no longer fund female sterilisation.

Weirdlynormal · 27/02/2021 14:37

My DH refused and once I started to resent him- involuntary, but frankly understandable given what I went through to have OUR family - he changed his mind. He was being awkward and I was almost done with him. I honestly think we’d have separated by now if he hadn’t had it.

MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes · 27/02/2021 14:38

It is unfair that the contraceptive burden is on women but that’s down to biology rather than a misogynistic element. because it's easier if her DH is adamant he doesn’t want a vasectomy then that option is simply off the table.

Interesting contrast of opinions. What's easier for women to suck up has to be sucked up. What's easier for men to suck up is off the table.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 14:39

[quote MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes]@Cokie3 and are you going to help her to raise the children on her own? Who will?[/quote]
@MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes This is 2021 a woman shouldn't stay with a man just because she has kids. It's hard but single mothers make it, far better to be on her own than with a man that has absolutely zero respect for her.

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 14:39

@WWJackieWeaverD

PearPuddingPie makes an excellent point about who bears the consequences for contraception failing. I doubt he's thought of it like that (he doesn't have to, does he?)
Why wouldn’t he have thought of that? He’s already fathered two children with the OP so I’m sure he understands how pregnancy occurs.

He’s her husband, it’s not like there would be zero impact on him if another pregnancy happened.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 27/02/2021 14:40

Looks like no more sex is the answer.
And ultimately it will boil down to which of you is more impacted by this. Although what happens after that is anyone's guess.
Shame he cant comprehend that what you have already put your body through is more than enough for it to be his turn to make sacrifices. But that's men for you.

Coldwinterahead1 · 27/02/2021 14:41

Could you have a copper coil, no pumping yourself with hormones

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 14:43

Beautifully twisted @MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes but that’s not what I said is it? I simply pointed out why contraceptive choices are limited for men to take control of themselves. One involves permanently ending their fertility and if a man isn’t ready for that (for whatever reason, it’s a psychological minefield for a lot of people) then he shouldn’t be forced or blackmailed into it.

Everyone’s bodily autonomy should be respected.

CareBear50 · 27/02/2021 14:43

OP is it possible he is terrified about having the procedure but is too scared to discuss it OR is worried you two might split up in the future, and that if meets someone else he might want more kids??

Lou98 · 27/02/2021 14:43

@Cokie3 it's not "ridiculously selfish" at all🙄 he's obviously considered it in his mind to be adamant he doesn't want it. Yes he should have more of a conversation about it with the OP and discuss his reasons but him saying he isn't having the surgery doesn't mean he hasn't considered it himself, albeit without discussing it.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I personally don't think it should automatically be up to the man to have to come up with a solution because the woman went through pregnancy etc. My DP and I both decided to have a baby, it was a long journey to get to the pregnant and the pregnancy was an absolute nightmare. But that was a decision we both made knowing it would be myself that would have to go through that. So equally when it comes time we decide we don't want anymore, I still think it's for both of us to decide, not all on one of us to come up with a solution.

That's of course fine to not have sex or use condoms, that would be a solution. But like I said it's between them to find one they're both happy with, not just one of them.

30julytoday · 27/02/2021 14:44

I think it says something about today’s mindset that partners wonts get sterilised “in case” they go off with someone else...or not insist that their partner has sterilisation in case the partner went with someone else.
A Truely depressing state of affairs when people are having children but can’t see a future without this risk. Does nobody question how we got to that place? I appreciate it does happen a lot, but you are thinking this at the same time as still having sex and producing children with the first partner?🤨

Op, while you can’t force him or push him to have a sterilisation and it is definaltely his CHOICE , it is still a very selfish man who won’t do his bit to prevent future pregnancies. If he won’t even discuss it with a professional or you then he is even more selfish .

So, I would be saying no sex now until he has done some proper research and comes back to openly discuss the matter with you, giving at least 3 fact based reasons why he won’t have a vasectomy and 3 fact based reasons why you should either pump yourself full of hormones, coil or sterilisation ( for each option) or whatever alternative he is proposing. Do nothing yourself to facilitate contraception until he has informed himself fully about BOTH your options and can persuade you with reasoned arguments why you should continue to take the responsibility and body work for it.

I sometimes think men tell each other a load of bollocks about sterilisation and horror stories, and that men generally who are so ill informed about their health matters believe this will impact their masculinity or ability to have sex. They just stick their heads then in the ground refusing to inform themselves with actual facts that didn’t come form secondary school play grounds.

Oneweekleft · 27/02/2021 14:46

My husband is the same. We now use the caya diaphram, caya gel and withdrawal method combined. Its the best i could come up with. I still fear getting pregnant though but have tried all other options before and this has been the best for my body.

Coffeeandcocopops · 27/02/2021 14:47

@Weirdlynormal

My DH refused and once I started to resent him- involuntary, but frankly understandable given what I went through to have OUR family - he changed his mind. He was being awkward and I was almost done with him. I honestly think we’d have separated by now if he hadn’t had it.
We did separate. We stopped having sex as I was so fed up with taking contraceptives for 25 years and condone. Inevitably he had an affair with someone that was considerably younger than him now at 53 he has a 4 year old. The resentment I felt when he said no to having the snip was never going to go. So in the end it all worked out well. All of 5 years later I stopped having periods so I’m now free not worrying and with a new partner.
caringcarer · 27/02/2021 14:48

Don't rely on the copper ICU. My sister got pregnant whilst on it and when she gave birth the coil came out with afterbirth.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 14:48

Does nobody question how we got to that place?

Well, er...

I appreciate it does happen a lot

Oh, well, there's your answer.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 14:50

[quote Lou98]@Cokie3 it's not "ridiculously selfish" at all🙄 he's obviously considered it in his mind to be adamant he doesn't want it. Yes he should have more of a conversation about it with the OP and discuss his reasons but him saying he isn't having the surgery doesn't mean he hasn't considered it himself, albeit without discussing it.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I personally don't think it should automatically be up to the man to have to come up with a solution because the woman went through pregnancy etc. My DP and I both decided to have a baby, it was a long journey to get to the pregnant and the pregnancy was an absolute nightmare. But that was a decision we both made knowing it would be myself that would have to go through that. So equally when it comes time we decide we don't want anymore, I still think it's for both of us to decide, not all on one of us to come up with a solution.

That's of course fine to not have sex or use condoms, that would be a solution. But like I said it's between them to find one they're both happy with, not just one of them. [/quote]
@Lou98 if he won't even discuss it with his wife (she may have a different angle or information he hadn't considered so his decision is not an informed one), and won't even discuss it with a GP or health professional (again, he can't make an informed 'considered decision' without speaking to a GP or health professional) then his 'decision' is likely to be ill-informed and made without information so it's an invalid decision. You cannot make a decision without having spoken to your GP at least to get ALL the facts, before making the decision.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 14:52

@Cornettoninja

It is unfair that the contraceptive burden is on women but that’s down to biology rather than a misogynistic element. Altering one monthly cycle through medically altering hormones and being reversible is a much easier than altering hormones to stop 24/7 production of sperm.

Ultimately, I personally don’t feel that anyone has the right to dictate what someone does to their body. Regardless of what has happened previously (presuming that you also had an input into whether or not you had pregnancies or took hormonal contraception) there is no ‘debt’, it’s not a transactional scenario. It also benefitted you and you would have likely made similar decisions in a different relationship.

I’m not claiming to know what the answer is to OP’s particular situation but if her DH is adamant he doesn’t want a vasectomy then that option is simply off the table.

There’s misogynistic element? At all? Of course there is. Women are routinely expected to ‘go on the pill’ because the poor men don’t like the feeling of condoms on their poor willies
Lou98 · 27/02/2021 14:53

@Cokie3 deciding you don't want any surgery on your body is not an "invalid decision" 😂

Like I said, let's just agree to disagree.

HmmmHmmmm · 27/02/2021 14:54

My DH refused too. Tbh if someone was telling me to get a medical procedure, I'd say no too.

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2021 14:54

@Jillypots

No, you’re not selfish at all. And the snip is a much less serious operation, with a far shorter recovery time than a hysterectomy.
Being sterilised does not mean you have a hysterectomy! Its a simple procedure you have as a day patient. Yes, it involves a GA, whereas a vasectomy is done under local, so in that sense its more risky.