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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
Cloudbeeb · 27/02/2021 13:34

His body, his choice.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 27/02/2021 13:35

@Sep21mum the woman uses that. No 'we' about it. Just another woman taking all the responsibility of contraception so a man doesn't have to worry his head about it!

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:35

@Cloudbeeb

His body, his choice.
So what’s your solution?
rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 13:36

And I don't believe the copper coil causes heavy bleeding.

It's a known and documented potential side effect.

littlepattilou · 27/02/2021 13:36

@Lovelydiscusfish

In my opinion, he is not being unreasonable because relationships break up, and you never know what the future might hold. Having said that, I was in your position many years ago when ex-H and I had DD. We were definite that, as a couple, she would be our only, and I can’t tolerate hormonal contraception (and we both hated condoms). He flatly refused the snip and it annoyed me at the time. (Tho I then got the copper-coil, which I am positively evangelical about).

Years later, I see he was right to refuse - he is now with another woman, and I have no idea if they are TTC (none of my business really) but I reckon he must be glad to have retained that option. Similarly my boyfriend and I are considering the possibility of TTC in the future if things continue to work out for us - I am certainly glad that I never had a voluntary operation that would render this less likely/impossible.....

So HE refused to be sterilised, and YOU had to deal with it to make sure you wouldn't get pregnant? And you are HAPPY with this, because he could go on to having babies with other women?! WOW! Confused He had YOU well-trained didn't he? Hmm

@TheSpottedZebra

It's amazing how women's pain is utterly normalised.

All these people coming onto say ooh, risk of pain, 10% chance (from vasectomy), whereas female tubal ligation is a only day procedure, it's so easy... where are the stats of side effects from the pill, from IUD, from pregnancy, from heavy periods.

Honestly the bible said that women must labour AND SUFFER, and people really took that to heart. It's just expected, even from the men who are meant to care for us, even too from women!

Exactly this. It's fucking disgusting. Hmm

I can't believe how brainwashed some of the posters are on this thread. Brainwashed into accepting it's a woman's 'lot' to do the suffering. Confused

Fuck THAT for a game of bastard soldiers! Hmm

littlepattilou · 27/02/2021 13:36

@poppycat10

A lot of people always say "women have to go through childbirth so men can do a little thing like the snip". And that is true but vasectomies can and do go wrong (happened to BIL) so I would never judge a man for not wanting one when there are other options available. And I definitely think saying a man has to have the snip because he or you or both don't like condoms is a bit childish. But if you really hate condoms than a copper IUD or a cap are worth considering.

WTAF? Hmm

@PassionPeach

Female sterilisation is done laparoscopically now. You can be in and out in half an hour, under general anaesthetic. The hardest part about it is getting your GP to refer you for it, but if you've had kids it should be easy enough. If you do get it and are 100% sure you are done with kids, get a bilateral salpingectomy (removal of the fallopian tubes) as it removes the risk of ectopic pregnancies and has been studied to potentially lower the risks of ovarian cancers. They are also easy to recover from I've heard and leave minimal scarring. Other procedures work too, but salpingectomies are considered the gold standard these days.

I see, so it's OK for HER to be sterilised, but not him? Why not??? In case he wants children with another woman in the future. Jesus wept. Confused

I see misogynism is alive and kicking on mumsnet today!

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 27/02/2021 13:37

I wouldn't want to have sex with him if this was my DH. He has no appreciation of what he is asking you to do just because he doesn't want to have the snip.
Stuffing your body full of hormones for years on end is a heck of an ask when there's no more children planned and no major downside to having the snip.
Good luck OP.
I had my tubes down at same time as a c section with third child. That solved it nicely for us but we'd talked about DH getting the snip until that option was suggested by my consultant. He was happy to get the snip otherwise.

DinosaurDiana · 27/02/2021 13:37

He’s keeping his options open.
Maybe you should do the same.

oblada · 27/02/2021 13:38

You cannot force him to have the snip but then he needs to understand the options.
I'm with you no hormonal contraception. The coil didn't agree with me. So that left us with condoms or snip. DH opted to take the snip but your husband may prefer to use condoms ever time?
Female sterilisation is much more invasive than male, I wouldn't go there tbh.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:38

@rawalpindithelabrador

And I don't believe the copper coil causes heavy bleeding.

It's a known and documented potential side effect.

Right? It’s not a matter of ‘belief’
rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 13:39

@DinosaurDiana

He’s keeping his options open. Maybe you should do the same.
Yep!
simonisnotme · 27/02/2021 13:39

you cannot force someone to have an operation they dont want ,
so if you definitely dont want any more kids and condoms are out of the question get yourself sterilized
i did many years ago and apart from sore stiches for a while it went fine

dottiedodah · 27/02/2021 13:40

I can see both points of view TBH. Yes ,you dont want to take Hormones for ever obv ,but neither does he want a vasectomy! Bit of a checkmate situation really .I think you need to talk things through .He may at least have a word with his GP ? If he really wont agree ,then maybe think about seperating .Its drastic ,but you will become resentful if this situation continues I think .

TurquoiseDragon · 27/02/2021 13:40

@DaisyHeadMaisey

It's amazing how women's pain is utterly normalised.

All these people coming onto say ooh, risk of pain, 10% chance (from vasectomy), wheras female tubal ligation is a only day procedure, it's so easy... where are the stats of side effects from the pill, from IUD, from pregnancy, from heavy periods.

Honestly the bible said that women must labour AND SUFFER, and people really took that to heart. It's just expected, even from the men who are meant to care for us, even too from women!

This! If it's 'just' a woman taking on the risk of side effects it doesn't seem to matter Angry

And wasn't the trial for the male contraceptive pilll stopped because of minor side effects? Side effects that are considered perfectly normal for women on the pill?

And that's before we consider that the list of side effects considered acceptable for women to suffer while on the pill are far greater than the ones the male volunteers had to put up with.

oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 13:40

@DinosaurDiana

He’s keeping his options open. Maybe you should do the same.
I agree with this, reading between the lines it's clear that he doesn't want another baby with the Opie but he still wants to leave himself with the option of another baby i.e. with someone else
TatianaBis · 27/02/2021 13:41

Of course she is, but then nothing gets resolved. Contraception should be a joint decision in a healthy relationship. He’s happy for her to bear all burdens and take no responsibility for his fertility

You can’t force someone to discuss something if they refuse. Particularly rigid blokes who’ve made rigid decisions.

The fastest way to get him to discuss this is to make OP own unilateral decision that impacts him: condoms or no sex.

MummytoCSJH · 27/02/2021 13:41

@poppycat10 the other options are though, as always, get the woman to bear the brunt of the mental work and suffering. You know giving birth can go wrong too? It can literally kill you.

He's being selfish.

No sex without a condom, if he hates them that much that's his problem to fix, if you hate them too then no sex at all.

emilyfrost · 27/02/2021 13:42

YABVU. It’s unacceptable to try to force/cajole someone into having surgery they don’t want.

rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 13:42

They are also easy to recover from I've heard and leave minimal scarring.

From what you've heard? Having pieces of her body removed so he can keep squirting away? It's surgery under a GA! My SIL was in tremendous pain from the gas put into her abdomen and one of her incisions became infected.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 27/02/2021 13:43

If you want sterilisation as method of contraception why don’t you get hysterectomy?
You cannot compel an adult to have a medical procedure on basis that it suits you.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:45

@simonisnotme

you cannot force someone to have an operation they dont want , so if you definitely dont want any more kids and condoms are out of the question get yourself sterilized i did many years ago and apart from sore stiches for a while it went fine
‘Get yourself sterilised’.....Jesus Christ. Can we please have more respect for ourselves and our bodies?

Why should she get sterilised? She’s had two children and gone through two labours. Why should she have a general anaesthetic and stitches because her husband doesn’t want to have a very minor operation? It’s not all about his comfort and health

RantyAnty · 27/02/2021 13:45

He is being selfish and cowardly.

It is a simple procedure that can be done needless and scapeless these days. 20 minutes and it's done.

Every man I've known to have it, at the most took a pain tablet and had a cold pack downstairs while he sat at home and watched sport and was fine the next day.

OhamIreally · 27/02/2021 13:45

@Karwomannghia

The only reason they won’t have it done is fear, they throw a load of other excuses and stubbornness at it as excuses but that’s the bottom line.
I don't think this is true. I think some men are hedging their bets in case of a second marriage.
rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 13:46

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

If you want sterilisation as method of contraception why don’t you get hysterectomy? You cannot compel an adult to have a medical procedure on basis that it suits you.
FFS! NO ONE gets a fucking hysterectomy as contraception.
Esspee · 27/02/2021 13:46

When my second was six weeks old I had my tubes tied/cut or whatever they do. The incision was via my navel, it was quick simple and successful and did not leave a scar I can see.
Never regretted it.