DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

There is no misandrist tone on here

I think there is in this thread, actually, and I rarely say that.

Point out where?

Tell me exactly how you get people saying that in an EQUAL PARTNERSHIP, the husband should take EQUAL RESPONSIBILITY for contraception? Are people now saying that suggesting a man take any responsibility, whatsoever, is 'misandrist'? Because that is what you appear to be saying.

@Tlollj was sterilised must be best part of 30 years ago. Simple day surgery two stitches best thing I ever did.
No more worrying about contraception.
Of course if it’s not for you then that’s fine, but it’s not a major op.

This ^^
Same 25 years ago. Out same day.
Back to normal next day.

*op, not sure why it changed to capitals.

@oil0W0lio

^littlepattilou

Snipping my semen tubes? Fuck off!

This^ his private parts, well they are the crown Jewels aren't they, hers?
Well she's just a piece of meat.

Exactly! Many men DO have this attitude that his 'sacred crown jewels' are not going to be touched! They have this attitude that 'No-one is touching MY fucking bollocks. Women are prodded and poked about over the years, with cervical smears, and various internal examinations, and having babies and so on... So fuck yeah they can be the one who is sterilised! Women are USED to that shit!'

Sadly, some women seem to have this bizarre, twisted, misogynistic attitude too. As I said earlier, some women have been HORRIBLY brainwashed by society and the patriarchy.

Like @Cokie3 I see NO misandry or men-hating on here, but plenty of disdain, hate, and disrespect for WOMEN, and much of it from OTHER WOMEN. God help us all, and God help the daughters of these women.

[quote Cokie3]@Soontobe60 My point being that it's not just that it's G.A but it (as is necessary since it's G.A) also is done in a hospital, where as all the husband has to do is go to the GP's office.

It was another example of how much simpler a Vasectomy is.[/quote]
My original response was to someone who seemed to think that being sterilised involved a hysterectomy. I didn't say it was as simple as a vasectomy.

@Cokie3 if it’s easier for you to believe I just ‘don’t get it’ rather than I’m an adult woman who thinks advising other women that they’re victims of misogyny because their husband/partner/whatever won’t have a surgical procedure to permanently end his fertility is BS so be it.

I literally can’t think of another scenario I would support someone having that kind of control over a permanent medical procedure on someone else’s body. Whatever combination of genders involved.

No you are been unreasonable. I personally wanted no more children even if we was to split up. Therefore I was sterilised. He wasn't sure if he wanted more kids. Therefore I was sterilised

@DaisyHeadMaisey

Soontobe60

Tbh it would be shitty if a man insisted that the women gets sterelised. Prior to and between pregnancies it falls mainly on the woman to prevent pregnancies in the form of hormonal contraception or a coil. The woman goes through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. Once a more perminant solution is required, it's fair for the man to take his turn and have the OP. If he doesn't want to do that, it's not surprising many women would go off sex, after all, who will be the one to deal with any resulting pregnancy? I'm sorry you had to go through surgery because your DH wouldn't take responsibility.

Don’t be so patronising. I went through surgery because I didn’t want any more children. My choice. My DH wasn’t entirely happy because he knew it meant no more children and he took a while to come to terms with it. However, he absolutely knew that I have full control over what I do with my body.

[quote Cornettoninja]@Cokie3 if it’s easier for you to believe I just ‘don’t get it’ rather than I’m an adult woman who thinks advising other women that they’re victims of misogyny because their husband/partner/whatever won’t have a surgical procedure to permanently end his fertility is BS so be it.

I literally can’t think of another scenario I would support someone having that kind of control over a permanent medical procedure on someone else’s body. Whatever combination of genders involved.[/quote]
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@Soontobe60

“My partner doesn’t want to have an operation to permanently prevent us having another pregnancy. I don’t want another child, they're not sure. I am going to withhold sex from them until they have the operation.”

If the person writing the above were male, talking about a female partner, everyone would be shouting about how awful he was to be so controlling, that its her body to do what she chooses to. This is the nub of the problem here.
One person doesn’t want any more children, the other one isn’t as sure. She’s trying to blackmail him into having a procedure that he really doesn’t want to have by withholding sex. Even though she may have taken contraceptives for years and put her body through the rigours of having two children, it still boils down to bodily autonomy.
My DH and I were in exactly the same situation years ago. I was sure I didn't want any more children, didn't want to take any other contraception. So I chose to get sterilised.

Where did the OP say her husband "isn't sure" he doesn't want any more children? In fact, the OP says this: "As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" " . Ergo, they BOTH agreed no more. Only difference, is he expect the OP to take 100% of the responsibility and risk. Withholding sex is not 'blackmail', that is an absurd thing to say. It is the WOMAN exercising her bodily autonomy.

You rolled over and gave in, hence your defence of the invasive under G.A operation, and your supporting the bodily autonomy of men, but not women. You're basically suggesting she should 'put out', just for his benefit, despite the risk to herself. Fuck that for a game of bastard soldiers, as someone above said. It's always the woman rolling over or just putting out. When are women on here going to stop shaming other women for their right to refuse sex?

@Cornettoninja What's with this 'permanent'? Vasectomy is (mostly, before you start in) REVERSIBLE.

Guess what? Tubal Ligation isn't.

He has every right to body autonomy and so does everyone. If you definitely don’t want more get sterilised, he doesn’t want to have that option taken away and that’s okay, just like it would be okay if it was the other way round.

Women are prodded and poked about over the years, with cervical smears, and various internal examinations, and having babies and so on

Well if a woman wants to have a baby it’s pretty unavoidable. Men have plenty of invasive procedures to look forward to as they get older, prostate exams don’t exactly look like a fun day out.

Why’s it got to be such a transactional list of ‘we do this therefore you must do this’? I’m a grown woman who made a choice to have children and take care of my own health. I directly benefit from those things so I have chosen to make use of them and I would have done so regardless of my current partner.

[quote Cokie3]@Cornettoninja What's with this 'permanent'? Vasectomy is (mostly, before you start in) REVERSIBLE.

Guess what? Tubal Ligation isn't.[/quote]
Find me a doctor who would perform a vasectomy with the guarantee it would be reversible.

My DH had the snip a few years ago when we’d completed our family. Among our friendship group, it’s the norm- nearly all the men have had it done! I was also willing to be sterilized, but our doctors recommended a vasectomy as a simpler procedure. DH was fine within a few days.

I do think your DH is being selfish but as PP’s have said, it’s his decision. I’d try a copper coil if I were you-although the coil doesn’t suit everyone. My body rejected it- I tried two of them and they literally started coming out of me and had to be removed. That’s unusual though.

DaisyHeadMaisey I'm sorry you had to go through surgery because your DH wouldn't take responsibility.

Exactly.

@Soontobe60 My original response was to someone who seemed to think that being sterilised involved a hysterectomy. I didn't say it was as simple as a vasectomy.

I know that. I never said you did. I simply ADDED that it was hospital vs Doctor's room. That's all I was doing. Just adding to your post.

I'm considering the snip after our next child, but I definitely wouldn't want be told that's what I had to do. I probably would want to do the exact opposite if I was told to do it.

@Christmasfairy2020

No you are been unreasonable. I personally wanted no more children even if we was to split up. Therefore I was sterilised. He wasn't sure if he wanted more kids. Therefore I was sterilised

@Christmasfairy2020 OP's husband is sure he doesn't want more kids. Completely different scenario to you. Hence OP not being unreasonable.

I wouldn't have sex with him again.

Not as a punishment or to force him into the operation, simply because I would not want to with a man who clearly neither respected nor loved me.

He's allowed you to take all of the contraceptive responsibility and of course your body has borne his children. He thinks so little of you and so much of himself that he does not even deign to discuss this with you. He and his body are obviously superior to you and yours.

This would damage my relationship irrevocably.

I had my Fallopian tubes clipped 10years ago after my 4th child.
I too didn’t want to take the pill and he said he could feel the coil when we had sex.
He didn’t want to have the snip, which was his choice/ but I was adamant I didn’t want any more children, so decided that I wanted the procedure.
I was uncomfortable for a few days and don’t cope well with the anaesthetic, but so pleased I didnt have to worry about getting pregnant anymore.
For me it made my cycles regular to the day every month.
However, at 43 (10yrs on) my cycle has now reduced down to every 24 days and I think maybe peri menopausal. But I was warned it could bring that on early.
I couldn’t do without sex with my DH, I didn’t want any more children, so the procedure was a no brainier for myself.

Fifteen percent rate of chronic severe debilitating testicular pain post op. It’s not something that’s often mentioned. I’m a male doctor and I’m afraid I wouldn’t go for it knowing that. For most it’s a very minor day case procedure but for a significant (and unpredictable number) it has serious side effects

@Cornettoninja Seriously? Find a Doctor who would perform a Tubal Ligation with the guarantee that it will work? Or that it won't get infected.

Or that cancer treatments work.

Or a guarantee of ANY medical or surgical treatment will work and have no risks? You're clutching at straws now. The fact is that Vasectomies are mostly reversible. TL isn't.

• I'm considering the snip after our next child, but I definitely wouldn't want be told that's what I had to do. I probably would want to do the exact opposite if I was told to do it.

OP has asked him to consider it and he has said no and left it at that while also thinking sterilisation for her is extreme.

What does he actually want then OP?

He doesn’t want to consider a vasectomy, thinks it’s extreme for you to get sterilised, and you both dislike condoms. He also knows that you had PND and are tired of dealing with the effects of the different types of birth control you have endured.

You either are going to have to rinse once again another contraceptive, wear condoms regardless how much you both hate them or no penetrative sex.