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Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 14:55

It is also down to biology that male sterilisation is a better option than female sterilization
It is also down to biology that condoms are better for female health than hormonal and other forms of contraception

littlepattilou · 27/02/2021 14:55

Basically, the reason (some) men don't want a vasectomy, is because they see it as an invasion of, and an insult to their 'manhood' and their masculinity. 'Snipping my semen tubes? Fuck off!'

And don't anyone say men don't/won't think this way, because they fucking do!

It's more painful and invasive having a root canal, or a filling, but no man will refuse this, because it doesn't involve his bollocks.

Most men (and some women it seems!) are happy for women to be poked and prodded and cut and invaded up their vagina though.

Well..... it's only da wimminz innit? It's just their lot in life eh? Hmm

@MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes

Cokie3 that is too harsh, women do not have good choices in sexist Britain. It's entirely possible that a man will walk out if he is faced with the choice of having the operation for a woman or no sex.

If my man had said he will leave ME if I don't get myself sterilised, I would have packed his fucking suitcases for him, kicked him and all his shit out the front door, and changed the locks before he could get a word out.

Then again, my DH is not a spiteful, self-centred cunt, who would have left me for refusing to get sterilised. As cokie said, any woman is better off without a man like that anyway. And if he thinks any other woman he shacks up with, will be happy to have her insides cut into, to appease HIM, he will be in for a shock! Most sensible women will tell him to fuck off...!

littlepattilou · 27/02/2021 14:55

@simonisnotme

you cannot force someone to have an operation they dont want, so if you definitely dont want any more kids and condoms are out of the question get yourself sterilized

i did many years ago and apart from sore stiches for a while it went fine

This thread just gets worse by the minute! Confused

For what it's worth, FIVE women I know who were sterilised, (four of them because of their selfish men refusing the snip,) all HAD to have a hysterectomy within 3-6 years after their sterilisation. So, it's NOT a shiny, simple little procedure, as complications sometimes occur after sterilisation. . Hmm

And no, I am NOT scaremongering. Just redressing the balance of ludicrous shit like 'awww, get yourself sterilised HUN, it only takes five fucking , and within an hour, you will never realise you had it done!' Hmm

FFS @FirstladyKirkman do NOT get yourself sterilised. Your DH won't so why should you? DO NOT back down!

littlepattilou · 27/02/2021 14:55

@Cornettoninja

It is unfair that the contraceptive burden is on women but that’s down to biology rather than a misogynistic element.

What a load of shit. Hmm Get back in your time machine, and hop back to the first half the the 20th century, and take this opinion back to where it belongs.

IFoundMyselfInThisBar · 27/02/2021 14:57

As much as you can’t force him, I personally couldn’t be with a man who didn’t take some responsibility for contraception. It’s part of the relationship and he should be willing to at least discuss it more than he has.
All the decent men I know have had this done once they’ve finished having their families, the ones that refuse, tend to be dickheads, in relationships that are not equal.

oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 14:57

The reason he won't discuss it is he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on, he won't pursue any arguments because there is no valid argument
he is resorting to my way or no way because that's the only way he can get what he wants and he is determined that he should be the one who prevails

littlepattilou · 27/02/2021 14:57

The paragraph before last on my middle post up there should read...

*And no, I am NOT scaremongering. Just redressing the balance of ludicrous shit like 'awww, get yourself sterilised HUN, it only takes five fucking MINUTES, and within an hour, you will never realise you had it done!' ]hmm]

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 14:58

[quote Lou98]@Cokie3 deciding you don't want any surgery on your body is not an "invalid decision" 😂

Like I said, let's just agree to disagree.[/quote]
@Lou98 Deciding against a small nip in the GP's office, which will affect your wife's health and your marriage, when have not even researched for information is indeed an invalid decision. There is no way it isn't. 😂Hmm

But sure, agree to disagree.

LeSquigh · 27/02/2021 14:59

I am in a similar position to you OP. I was all set to have a sterilisation, it was agreed and it is very difficult to get female sterilisation agreed nowadays. My DP didn't like the idea of me having to go through such a procedure when it was so much easier for him to have one. He booked it and then decided to cancel it and didn't go through with it. I was never going to force him but I was gutted as I knew I wouldn't get another chance at sterilisation. He has said that he will get round to it at some point but hasn't and because I cannot take hormonal contraception (and I have tried the Mirena too, which caused me endless problems, including the shortened strings scratching him), I cannot have the copper IUD so we are stuck with condoms. For this reason our sex life has become almost non existent, because I am too scared of getting pregnant again. It is very frustrating.

oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 15:00

Snipping my semen tubes? Fuck off!
This^ his private parts, well they are the crown Jewels aren't they, hers?
Well she's just a piece of meat

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 15:02

@Jeanswithanicetop I don’t think there is one but it’s clear that there are plenty of people on this thread is unfair because most contraceptive options ‘unfairly’ place the burden on women. It’s just not true, it’s simply different problems to solve and one happens to be much trickier.

If anything there’s a distasteful misandrist tone to this thread tbh. The OP’s husband isn’t a figurehead for the wrongs of all men deserving of stripping of his right to control over his own fertility.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 15:02

littlepattilou *If my man had said he will leave ME if I don't get myself sterilised, I would have packed his fucking suitcases for him, kicked him and all his shit out the front door, and changed the locks before he could get a word out.

Then again, my DH is not a spiteful, self-centred cunt, who would have left me for refusing to get sterilised. As cokie said, any woman is better off without a man like that anyway. And if he thinks any other woman he shacks up with, will be happy to have her insides cut into, to appease HIM, he will be in for a shock! Most sensible women will tell him to fuck off...!*

This, 100 times over!

Original poster
FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 15:02

@LeSquigh

That sounds very frustrating. I had the Mirena and had it removed after a year. The pain!!!!!!! Also had the implant and had that removed after 3 months. It made me evil, not just mood swings....proper proper evil!! 😕

OP posts:
Washimal · 27/02/2021 15:04

After we had our second I got the copper coil and it made my already pretty horrendous periods completely intolerable. Before that I had been on a number of different contraceptive pills since I was 15 and experienced various issues with all of them, had one miscarriage, two complicated pregnancies (severe SPD and HG), two very long and complicated births, one of which was followed by an infection that led to be being re-admitted to hospital and the other was so frightening I was diagnosed with PTSD soon afterwards. I don't care how selfish some posters feel it makes me, after enduring all of the above I felt it was DH's turn and frankly the sacrifice pales in comparison.

I didn't "force" him but I told him I was done with hormones and taking all the responsibility for contraception generally so either it would either condoms (which he hates, I don't mind them) from now on or a vasectomy. Had he refused (let alone refused to even have a sensible conversation about it!) after seeing everything I went through for our family I definitely would have lost respect for him. He had the vasectomy and while I'm sure he wasn't exactly thrilled about the prospect, it was absolutely fine and I refuse to feel guilty.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 15:05

@Soontobe60 Tubal ligation is also done in hospital in the operating theatre, whereas a Vasectomy is done at your local GP's office.

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2021 15:07

“My partner doesn’t want to have an operation to permanently prevent us having another pregnancy. I don’t want another child, they're not sure. I am going to withhold sex from them until they have the operation.”

If the person writing the above were male, talking about a female partner, everyone would be shouting about how awful he was to be so controlling, that its her body to do what she chooses to. This is the nub of the problem here.
One person doesn’t want any more children, the other one isn’t as sure. She’s trying to blackmail him into having a procedure that he really doesn’t want to have by withholding sex. Even though she may have taken contraceptives for years and put her body through the rigours of having two children, it still boils down to bodily autonomy.
My DH and I were in exactly the same situation years ago. I was sure I didn't want any more children, didn't want to take any other contraception. So I chose to get sterilised.

thebestnamehere · 27/02/2021 15:08

@Jillypots

No, you’re not selfish at all. And the snip is a much less serious operation, with a far shorter recovery time than a hysterectomy.
Jesus, it's not a hysterectomy!! It's getting tubes tied!!!!
Soontobe60 · 27/02/2021 15:09

[quote Cokie3]@Soontobe60 Tubal ligation is also done in hospital in the operating theatre, whereas a Vasectomy is done at your local GP's office.[/quote]
Your point being?

oblada · 27/02/2021 15:09

I agree with cokie3. I wouldn't have sex with a man like this. I did suggest to my DH to get myself and sterilized if he didn't want the snip. I hadn't researched it mind. He flat out refused saying it would be a much bigger surgery and not needed.
I wouldn't be impressed with a man who doesn't want to even discuss the snip but doesn't rly mind his wife getting sterilized.

OP - if he says it's bit extreme then what is his answer to your conundrum? Has he proposed another viable form of contraception that would work for you both?

Washimal · 27/02/2021 15:10

It is unfair that the contraceptive burden is on women but that’s down to biology rather than a misogynistic element.

Catch yourself on, of course there's a misogynistic element! It was reported in the news not long ago a male contraceptive pill was developed that was thought to be safe and effective but they cut the clinical trials short because the poor men wouldn't tolerate the side effects...the exact same side effects women have been experiencing on the pill and expected to put up with for decades.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 15:12

[quote Cornettoninja]@Jeanswithanicetop I don’t think there is one but it’s clear that there are plenty of people on this thread is unfair because most contraceptive options ‘unfairly’ place the burden on women. It’s just not true, it’s simply different problems to solve and one happens to be much trickier.

If anything there’s a distasteful misandrist tone to this thread tbh. The OP’s husband isn’t a figurehead for the wrongs of all men deserving of stripping of his right to control over his own fertility.[/quote]
I hope you're joking! There is no misandrist tone on here, that's ridiculous, it is not about men being responsible for other men's wrongs. You just don't get it. It's about the man taking EQUAL responsibility in a marriage that is supposed to be EQUAL. All women on here are saying is that contraception almost always is 100% up to the woman.

Tell me, what is wrong with women on this thread suggesting a man at least take 50% of the responsibility, and point out that OP's husband is taking 0% percent responsibility? Your post is simply another example of the rampant misogyny on this thread and this site in general.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 15:14

There is no misandrist tone on here

I think there is in this thread, actually, and I rarely say that.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 15:14

@Soontobe60 My point being that it's not just that it's G.A but it (as is necessary since it's G.A) also is done in a hospital, where as all the husband has to do is go to the GP's office.

It was another example of how much simpler a Vasectomy is.

Iggly · 27/02/2021 15:15

It is unfair that the contraceptive burden is on women but that’s down to biology rather than a misogynistic element

Nope. Why do you think they went down the road of suppressing female instead of male hormones? Scientists didn’t even bother, it didn’t even occur to them to try and think if a make option until recently.

Misogyny runs deep. They didn’t even realise how fucking sexist they were.

DaisyHeadMaisey · 27/02/2021 15:16

Soontobe60

Tbh it would be shitty if a man insisted that the women gets sterelised. Prior to and between pregnancies it falls mainly on the woman to prevent pregnancies in the form of hormonal contraception or a coil. The woman goes through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. Once a more perminant solution is required, it's fair for the man to take his turn and have the OP. If he doesn't want to do that, it's not surprising many women would go off sex, after all, who will be the one to deal with any resulting pregnancy? I'm sorry you had to go through surgery because your DH wouldn't take responsibility.