Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To award my DC all the points

291 replies

SayHelloToMe · 26/02/2021 23:35

DC is in reception. He is a summer baby so still 4.

When he started school, they gave this class point system to the class. Each day, some kids make it to gold. There is a big fuss of clapping etc.

DC has really set his heart to get to gold. Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons. He is bright, very good at maths, well ahead his peer.

Each day while at school, it was only the naughty kids who made it to school... behavioural issues, learning difficulties... so during lockdown, it was only the kids attending school who got to gold.

It’s painful to see him get his hopes up and never get it.

After I complained to school about home schooled children missing out, they said parents could award kids up to 3 points each day to be redeemed when school starts again.

AIBU to award him all the 3 points for each day of homeschool? He’s done all the homework, helped at home, been flexible around my work, etc.

OP posts:
Sapho47 · 27/02/2021 19:29

@Tubs11

I'm struggling to believe a 4yr old is so invested in some gold points chart. When I was 4 all I cared about was playing with my friends. Please don't put so much weight on this OP, social skills development is far more important at this time in their lives and I'm worried your projecting your wants onto him. As for the naughty kids comment, show me a kid who isn't naughty at this age? They're still learning to self regulate their emotions so it's reasonable to award points for good behaviour, it just shouldn't become some sort of battle ground of unhealthy competition.
I suppose when you were 4 though you were actually allowed to leave the house and play with your friends though?

Not sure if you've noticed....

SideEyeing · 27/02/2021 22:23

I think the OP is being given a massively hard time here. And that's not to diminish the reality of having a child with SEN but I don't think it's fair that the OP is being shat on quite so hard, a tone that was set in this thread because of a punctuation issue rather than any ill intent.

No one with any knowledge of SEN from either a parental or educational point of view would deny that if your child is fortunate enough to be neurotypical and to not have learning difficulties that you have in some senses "struck gold". However, neurotypical children are not immune to low self esteem, demotivation, and at the more extreme end depression or anxiety.

I'm a secondary teacher and one of my jobs this year is to monitor the MA (most able and talented - no I didn't create that as a category or title) kids at KS4 (Gcse) to see how they're coping with pressures and home learning etc.

During lockdown I've made upwards of 40 calls to check in where parents have expressed thanks to me for "taking an interest" in their child. These conversationd have unveiled anxiety, eating disorders and other worries because, in the nicest possible way, those kids tend (by tend I mean maybe 75% of them) to be the quiet, well behaved ones. They aren't all "just okay" and of those who aren't well behaved there is definitely an attitude of "well what am I being good for?"

4yo is a very young child. Schools should not introduce a motivating rewards system that fails to motivate a large sector of the class, or one where the criteria for winning is unclear to the majority of students.

I'm not sure how you tackle this.. Maybe by making it clear that awards are presented on the grounds of personal effort rather than a generic "best".

Anyway. I've had wine. Just my 2 pennies.

SayHelloToMe · 27/02/2021 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StrawBeretMoose · 27/02/2021 23:45

I don’t think that SEN children should not be awarded, I just think it would be nice if the nice children were awarded every now and then.

The nice kids? Are you for real?

Mrsfrumble · 27/02/2021 23:47

I still think his school is pretty shit with their reward system. I don’t think that SEN children should not be awarded, I just think it would be nice if the nice children were awarded every now and then.

Again, the opposing “SEN children” and “nice children”. Shit OP, you really need to proof read your posts Hmm

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/02/2021 23:49

Did you miss the inclusivity memo?

Drivingmecrazy2021 · 27/02/2021 23:54

Oh you just dug a bigger a hole !
You really need to understand how you are working things.
For what it’s worth my child is sen and she is very nice 😂

carolinesbaby · 27/02/2021 23:55

For some kids, managing to get through a day without having a meltdown is a massive achievement. Getting through a lesson, without getting so frustrated they scribble on and screw up their work.
For most kids this is taken for granted, for them it is no achievement. Why should they be rewarded for something that is not a challenge?
Children should be rewarded for trying their best, not for achieving more than their peers - for effort, rather than attainment, and their teachers recognise when they are trying. It's impossible for the parent of another child in the class to make this judgment.

carolinesbaby · 27/02/2021 23:58

"Nice" children or "SEN children". Obviously a child with SEN can't be nice Hmm

Mrsfrumble · 28/02/2021 00:05

Yes, my child with SEN is very nice too. And if it makes OP feel any better, he hasn’t got any gold stars this term either.

ooohbriefcase · 28/02/2021 00:07

"I don’t think that SEN children should not be awarded, I just think it would be nice if the nice children were awarded every now and then."

NICE?

Fgs sake op put the shovel down.
How bloody horrible. Your posts have been seriously horrible.

RavingAnnie · 28/02/2021 00:10

You really have a poor opinion of children with SEN. Wow.

Nellythemouse · 28/02/2021 00:13

And therein lies the issue people have with your posts. The unnecessary bragging (what the hell has his expensive hobby got to do with anything?) and the insinuation that your child is one of the “nice” children, not like those pesky SEN children taking up more than their share of time and attention.

MiddlesexGirl · 28/02/2021 00:23

It is exceptionally common for those kids with learning difficulties (which often overlaps considerably with behavioural difficulties) to get more gold stars than the well-behaved ones. I found it galling too. Not that they were getting the stars but the well-behaved ones weren't - not exactly encouraging them to be helpful, work hard etc. One of my dc took it particularly to heart. Another saw it as a badge of honour that they got so few.
So glad those days are long gone.

MiddlesexGirl · 28/02/2021 00:26

@SideEyeing Excellent post.

Shetoshe · 28/02/2021 00:33

SEN foot-in-mouth comments aside, a reward system like that for four-year-old children is bullshit. I really wonder about the quality of teacher training courses, they certainly don't seem grounded in child development. It's wildly inappropriate to try to train children like dogs.

BackforGood · 28/02/2021 00:46

Oh my word OP - I presumed you'd left the thread then you come back with that astounding post on P8.

Almost as if you've not read any single reply.
Almost as if you've taken no notice of anything any poster has said to you.

Not really sure why you've posted if you aren't willing to read the replies.

doubleshotespresso · 28/02/2021 00:49

@Drivingmecrazy2021

I think you lost the thread as soon as your put learning difficulties in the same category as naughty children.
This
doubleshotespresso · 28/02/2021 00:51

@SayHelloToMe

My whole point is about an unfair system. It’s not directed to any one child in particular.
Fortunately you're not a SEND Parent OP. You'd be able to write the book on what constitutes an "unfair system" if you were
JerichoGirl · 28/02/2021 00:58

@SayHelloToMe

Some context... I never introduced a reward system at home. Nursery did not have one either.

On DC’s first day at school, they introduce this point system and tell the children they should aspire to gold etc.

DC is very bright (and I’m not just being PFB). I know he is ahead in maths because I know what level maths we are doing at home and what is expected at
School for his age group.

I am well aware of DC’s privileges. He is a happy and healthy child. He has an expensive hobby that not many children of his age get to experience.

I still think his school is pretty shit with their reward system. I don’t think that SEN children should not be awarded, I just think it would be nice if the nice children were awarded every now and then.

Thank you for the posters who gave some good advice. I will focus on his reflection of his day rather than the point system.

Genuine question :

Why do you define nice children as separate to children with SEN? I'm curious to know how you arrived at the belief that they are separate camps.

doubleshotespresso · 28/02/2021 01:05

@SayHelloToMe

Some context... I never introduced a reward system at home. Nursery did not have one either.

On DC’s first day at school, they introduce this point system and tell the children they should aspire to gold etc.

DC is very bright (and I’m not just being PFB). I know he is ahead in maths because I know what level maths we are doing at home and what is expected at
School for his age group.

I am well aware of DC’s privileges. He is a happy and healthy child. He has an expensive hobby that not many children of his age get to experience.

I still think his school is pretty shit with their reward system. I don’t think that SEN children should not be awarded, I just think it would be nice if the nice children were awarded every now and then.

Thank you for the posters who gave some good advice. I will focus on his reflection of his day rather than the point system.

OP did you pop out to buy a shovel?

Please do enlighten us all as to how only NT children may be viewed nice? How many SEND children have you actually interacted and engaged with? I've seen some real nonsense online in this regard but you've seriously taken the biscuit now. Wow it's quite terrifying to think there are parents with opinions like yours currently "educating" children . I'd really hoped we had progressed a little further than this.
Seriously this is despicable not clumsy wording

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 28/02/2021 01:43

I don’t think that SEN children should not be awarded, I just think it would be nice if the nice children were awarded every now and then

Oh OP. I thought you were getting a bit of a hard time for a poorly worded first post, but now I see you actually think that SEN children arent nice and NT children are 'better'. You seem quite sheltered tbh. I think perhaps you have a bit to work on outside of being 'that' parent.

FWIW one of my best friends is a reception teacher. The points systems are a tool for encouraging kids that need it. They're not actually used for the kids that do well all by themselves.

InvincibleInvisibility · 28/02/2021 07:08

SEN children are nice. They also struggle with motivation and self esteem like NT children. They also find simple tasks way harder than NT children.

My 9 year old was recently diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia. We haven't told the school as they would be unsupportive.

He has been at this school since he was 3 (not UK). Its a strict religious school that pushes DC to perform as well as possible.

My DC is nice, well behaved but struggles with achieving as well as other NT DC. Not once in 6 years have we had a complaint about his behaviour apart from him being too quiet...he has lots of friends because he is an obliging child who enjoys playing.

At home he has meltdowns almost every day because he hates school and feels worthless.

So for the past 6 years we have spent our time boosting him and acknowledging when he does something well. Its easier now we have a diagnosis to recognise what he struggles with.

Jodhpurs46 · 28/02/2021 08:27

@SideEyeing it’s refreshing to read your comment,
My son is one of those kids that you describe. During primary/early secondary he had a very tough time at school, he has been bullied relentlessly and been depressed as a consequence. He has very low self esteem and has had to have counselling. He is a very kind, thoughtful person but those jealous of his talents have made his life a misery. Do I feel that my bright child who has had to have counselling as a result of the negativity of others has ‘struck gold’, absolutely not.
My “joe average” son is a much happier child and I worry much less about him.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/02/2021 08:47

I don’t think that SEN children should not be awarded, I just think it would be nice if the nice children were awarded every now and then

Good grief, you really are the gift that keeps on giving.

Did you join MN just to start this thread or did you NC knowing it was going to be goady as hell?

Swipe left for the next trending thread