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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

340 replies

Junoscup · 26/02/2021 19:51

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

OP posts:
ChrissyPlummer · 26/02/2021 21:19

If you had your first child at 20 and are now 34 wouldn’t your eldest be 14, not 10?

sleepyhead1980 · 26/02/2021 21:20

@Loopyloututu2

He’s probably paying for porn sites or something.
This was my first thought. There will be something dodgy on there he doesn't want you to know about. Might not be a sum of money you would necessarily notice, but could be dodgy if you saw the actual item on a bank statement
Ginger1982 · 26/02/2021 21:24

Was your child planned?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/02/2021 21:27

The longer you are out of work the harder it will be. Lots of parents on MN don’t have lots of qualifications but still manage to work. Employers like to see a work ethic and recent experience.

If finances are so tight and you were already struggling to support yourself, it seems a strange decision to extend the family. Children are very expensive.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2021 21:27

@ChrissyPlummer

If you had your first child at 20 and are now 34 wouldn’t your eldest be 14, not 10?
Oh FFS.

Not another troll. Well spotted @ChrissyPlummer

Sahm101 · 26/02/2021 21:27

Your last post is extremely telling of your intentions op. You agreed to be a sahm to take care of your toddler, but didn't consider your other 2 dc?? They were your responsibility to ensure they are not made worse off. You are 34, young enough to start a career. Anything, and work your way up. How do you envision the future? With 3 children. You need to take control of your life, not just passively hand it over.
And your dd is 18 months, old enough to be left with nursery or others. That can't be your excuse. You are very vulnerable here, you need to do something about it.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 26/02/2021 21:28

You’ve unfortunately picked a git of a man who won’t marry you and won’t share his money

You need to take the kids,leave and claim benefits and HB for accommodation

He’s not a nice man

You need a breather to reflect on the impact of two awful men.
Time prioritise yourself and the kids
Claim benefits do an access course to get a career and/or study back

StarCourt · 26/02/2021 21:28

@Junoscup if you managed on benefits before your DP moved in surely you could do that again?
Yes you have one extra child but those costs would be helped by child maintenance from your current DP who
Presumably would then be an ex.
It doesn't have to be forever and when your youngest starts school you have a better chance of working.

RickiTarr · 26/02/2021 21:29

@Ginger1982

Was your child planned?
Now that’s intrusive.

She’s given us enough information about what was agreed, now she needs advice for the future.

SimonJT · 26/02/2021 21:29

@ChrissyPlummer

If you had your first child at 20 and are now 34 wouldn’t your eldest be 14, not 10?
Good spot.
Mookie81 · 26/02/2021 21:31

Tale as old as bloody time.
OP is raising 2 kids on minimum wage, no support from their loser dad.
This dickhead comes along, and will do because he pays the bills and supports the kids the first loser won't.
The other kids must be at least school age; you could have retrained or got some qualifications instead of having a kid with this fool.
Stop going on about top ups and stand on your own 2 feet. You will feel better for it.

Thehop · 26/02/2021 21:31

@Junoscup my dog Walker walks the dogs with her toddler in a backpack or jogging buggy. She also does puppy visits and welfare visits during the day. Would this work for you?

My career in childcare started as a childminder. Would you consider this? You need fairly basic qualifications to start and can earn your childcare qualifications as you work of things are still the same as when I started!

Your partner is a sexist wanker who likes controlling you but won’t marry you. He’s not a good man.

PurpleBiro21 · 26/02/2021 21:31

@ChrissyPlummer @Merryoldgoat

This is almost the perfect opposite of a thread running elsewhere.

I’m wondering if some sockpuppetry is afoot...

Thehop · 26/02/2021 21:31

For what it’s worth you’re not too old. I’m doing a degree prt time with a pre schooler and I’m in my 40s.

Kollin · 26/02/2021 21:32

[quote PurpleBiro21]**@ChrissyPlummer* @Merryoldgoat*

This is almost the perfect opposite of a thread running elsewhere.

I’m wondering if some sockpuppetry is afoot...[/quote]

FFS?! I fucking hate trolls.

Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:32

Hi @Junoscup Okay, it's his job his money, but put it this way, though most share the responsibilities and do as you are, one at home one at work, in order for him to have his job that is because you stay at home with your DC.
So he pays for literally everything then? But then if you've got nothing, then you don't have anything to buy yourself something with etc.

I was only fortunate that I had a nice little amount put aside for when I left work to go on maternity leave, if I had, had to of relied on my exP I would of been on the streets begging. 3 years on, where he has 7 days a week freedom and opportunity to pursue all work interests he still can't eat his act together.

Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:34

@Gigihi20

I’ve put YABU as it’s not clear what your previous financial arrangements were. It is his money unfortunately in law as you’re not married. What arrangements have you made about joint finances? Have you got concerns in other ways?
His money that he earns and can earn and enjoy as he has his DP at home with their child, he wouldn't have the same attitude otherwise.
Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:34

@ChrissyPlummer

If you had your first child at 20 and are now 34 wouldn’t your eldest be 14, not 10?
I don't want to be too accurate because I think my life story is very outing.
OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:35

@Junoscup

We rent. I had my own dog walking business before I gave it up to be SAHM to our baby. This was something we both wanted, a 'traditional' set up, I am still bf and she is very attached to me (I can't even leave her with my mum for an hour without her being very distressed). I have my own car and this is mine, owned outright. He has a van he leases from the company he works for (he is subcontracted so that they don't have to pay employee benefits, but is basically employed by them in all but name)
Traditional would be married then.
Kollin · 26/02/2021 21:36

I don't want to be too accurate because I think my life story is very outing.

70 million people in the country and millions of blended families with whatever age kids. You could be my neighbour and I wouldn't have a clue Hmm

autumnalrain · 26/02/2021 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 21:37

Hopefully MNHQ will be able to confirm the veracity of the op

autumnalrain · 26/02/2021 21:38

@Kollin Precisely.

Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:38

@RandomLondoner

People are entitled to private bank account for their own money if that's what they want. If he thinks the money in his account is all his, then it is, whatever you and 99.9% of Mumsnet might think of that.

It sounds like you've assumed the money in his account is half yours, but that he's never actually agreed to that. By trying to get access to his account, you are trying to implement an agreement that only exists in your own head.

You need to discuss what you financial agreement is, when you know that you can decide how money should be split between his, hers and/or joint accounts.

But if he also wanted a 'traditional' set up, then he should have been prepared to share. OP is not a slave childcare doesn't come for free!
RickiTarr · 26/02/2021 21:41

Look, there are all sorts of professional and training courses currently running online that would normally be face to face. The kind you can take out government learning loans for. Start something NOW while COVID measures aren’t still putting learning online.

Don’t you feel you have potential to do better than NMW? Start laying the groundwork. Courses, plans, save child benefit (or claim it if you’re not getting it) plus the odd twenty and any CM that comes in from your ex.

Have your own small find for when you kick him out. Get on a starter course while they’re available online. Research the criteria for free nursery hours at age two. Think about possible careers or self employment.

Admin? Bookkeeping? HR? Dog grooming? Catering? Maybe go back to uni?

Where do your interests and aptitude’s lie?

This man will never marry you, never share, never be a true partner.

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