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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

340 replies

Junoscup · 26/02/2021 19:51

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

OP posts:
PopUpName · 26/02/2021 21:10

You can: go to work for minimum wage, as many hours as possible. You will build up a solid employment history and references. You will give yourself much-needed confidence. You will make money.

Or... you can take advantage of the fact that he is paying the bills, at least for now. Get trained. Set yourself up for a job you want to do. What could you work towards?

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2021 21:11

Is it a council or HA property OP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2021 21:11

How were you paying rent, bills, food, clothes etc for you and the older two before this guy moved in?

Tax credits aren’t a thing anymore btw, you’d be on UC.

StarCourt · 26/02/2021 21:11

Well what did you agree re finances and money for you when you both decided you wanted a traditional set up?

PopUpName · 26/02/2021 21:12

He doesn't want to PAY for nursery. There's a difference.

I imagine he won't support you to train for a better job, either.

LagunaBubbles · 26/02/2021 21:12

This reply has been deleted

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RickiTarr · 26/02/2021 21:13

He doesn't want me to work. He doesn't want DD going to nursery.

And his word goes? You’re in a controlling relationship.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:13

@AnneLovesGilbert

How were you paying rent, bills, food, clothes etc for you and the older two before this guy moved in?

Tax credits aren’t a thing anymore btw, you’d be on UC.

I was receiving tax credits, income support and housing benefit because I had a child under 5.
OP posts:
Daphnise · 26/02/2021 21:13

It's his money and you don't need access to his bank account for your purposes.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/02/2021 21:13

You need a proper job asap and your own account. If he leaves which he could do at any time you will be destitute. Common law wife does not exist in law.

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 21:13

He doesn't want to look after the kids

2 of the 3 children are not his. The op needs his money to pay for them.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:14

@StarCourt

Well what did you agree re finances and money for you when you both decided you wanted a traditional set up?
That he would pay for everything and I would look after our child full time.
OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 26/02/2021 21:14

Op. You need some perspective on this situation.
It isn't good. But you've also contributed to it being like this.
You've placed yourself in an extremely vulnerable position by not working, not being married and having a child with him. In the eyes of the law.. You're entitled to half of nothing.
Whilst every can bash your partner and say he's controlling etc.. He's also paying for two children that aren't even is.
Some of this is down to you too.. I'm sorry but it is.
He needs to set up a joint account for you both to access and you need to get back into work.
Can I tell you something.. I was in a horrifically abusive relationship with my ex.. And he practically nearly forced me to give up working but I refused and refused because I have been in a job since I was 16.. The only reason I was able to leave him and start again was because I worked and saved every single penny I had..
Imagine that you get in a position where you want to leave but you cannot.
For the love of God. Please get some independence back in your life.

Loopyloututu2 · 26/02/2021 21:14

He doesn't want me to work. He doesn't want DD going to nursery.

Tell him tough shit - stop being so passive!

mumofone2019 · 26/02/2021 21:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:14

@Merryoldgoat

Is it a council or HA property OP?
HA
OP posts:
im5050 · 26/02/2021 21:15

Is it HA or Council property or private let

Sahm101 · 26/02/2021 21:15

This reply has been deleted

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/02/2021 21:15

He doesn't want me to work. He doesn't want DD going to nursery.

You are not married so he has zero say over what you do. Likewise you are not married so you have no rights to his money or property. What a mess.

Katjolo · 26/02/2021 21:16

Nursery is fine. Ignore him and become self reliant.

BaggoMcoys · 26/02/2021 21:17

@MrsArtyPants

Oh I hate that mentality. So he guilts you into submission when you look to improving the family finances by becoming a joint contributor. But won't allow you to see the money intended to support you and your daughter under his wishes, you just have to trust him blindly. He likes you being in a vulnerable position.

HUGR RED FLAG OP. Can't say it loudly enough.

My ex was like this. I was an unmarried sahm and it was one of many ways he turned out to be a controlling bastard. One of the reasons I stayed with him for as long as I did (I left 4 years after first deciding that I wanted to leave), the main reason in fact, was that I was trapped financially. In the end I broke down to a family member, and I'm now living with her while I look for work. We share custody of our dd at the moment.
nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 21:18

Nursery is fine. Ignore him and become self reliant.

How do you propose she magics up the money to pay for her other children?

sst1234 · 26/02/2021 21:19

OP, what are your thoughts on the advice you are getting? Are you going to follow any of it?

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2021 21:19

Right. So it’s in your name. Get him out. Claim all the benefits you can.

Plan a future. Your child will probably get 15 free hours in 6 months so you can start planning a career.

Because 34 isn’t THAT young. It’s not young enough to Danny around like this for any longer.

mangoandraspberries · 26/02/2021 21:19

I’m not clear on what exactly you want from this thread? You’ve had some very helpful responses (and yes, so unnecessarily harsh ones too imo) - but you seem to disagree with all of them. I understand it’s not as easy as “get a job”, but I do think you need to decide what YOU want.

Fundamentally, it doesn’t sound like your DP is going to change. So you may need to decide what’s most important to you - staying with him, or being financially independent. If you didn’t already have a child, I would be saying financial independence is key. However, now that you do, you’ll need to balance that with the presumable benefit that remaining with your DP has for your child.

Whatever you decide, I would be prepared that you may need to be financially independent in future (he may leave you). So come up with a plan for how you could support yourself if needed, even if you don’t act on it now.