That my partner has chosen not to work?

[MoneyWorries122456]

I just wanted some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable to my partner. When we met we both had good jobs (him earning slightly more than me) and planned for a good lifestyle for the future (£100k joint income). He gave up his job 18 months ago (pre-covid) with the intention to be self-employed so we didn't have to worry about childcare. I had no expectations for him to earn what he was earning before, just 15-20 hours a week to contribute to the two salary household expenses. Fast forward 18 months he hasn't bothered to work and has left me in tears with money worries every month as to worry how we are to afford to cover the basics. I have been paying both halves of our bills but just recently my credit card 0% deals have come to an end (I usually pay off a large chunk and then shift). Unfortunately he has left my finances in such a state by not bothering to work that I can no longer shift as they are maxed to the limit. I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure. He orchestrated a row today whilst he was (finally) applying for jobs; I assume to get out of applying. I just wanted to know if anyone else has this trouble and what to do?

I think its really unfair that he didn't get the chance to set up his own business and the timing of covid means he's not been eligible for any help from govt. Its crushing and lockdown is grinding. Take it a day at time - we are slowly unlocking - it will get better. But Im a bit worried for you and LO - the finances don't seem right. He has an IVA (which you pay for him), the financial strain of paying this has resulted in maxing your cards (which are now un-transferable, will incur healthy interest and need repayment), you pay all living costs and are the only one bringing in income. The house is jointly owned (and presumably at risk of a charge/from creditors under his IVA for default - if he defaults this may impact his dreams of a startup). He did make a good wage so he's very able but been incredibly unlucky. Who could have foreseen the pandemic. You both need to put your heads together on your finances and long term goals. Maybe he can find something and once you have managed your debt and have a bit of capital he can start up his business. He needs to take responsibility for his debt - please be careful that you and LO don't also end up being caught up in his debt. Xx

I was a SAHM (no debt though) for some time. My partner asked me to go back to work. After many years out of the job market I got my arse into gear and got myself a job.

What conversations have actually been had between the two of you about money? Did you discuss it before he made the decision to become self employed? Does he know how difficult things are financially at the moment? Your comment of “I’m heartbroken he can’t see me crumbling under the pressure” sort of implies it hasn’t explicitly been talked about and you are just waiting fir him to notice. Do you guys talk about this?

@Trickyword

Hmmm... DH & I were over £100k before kids. We decided to have children and jointly agreed that I would give up my job. I had a few years off work. It was great to spend time with my children. I became self employed, it took a few years but it’s paying off. I’m now on more than I would have made in my previous job and I work a fraction of what I did before.

Good for you. How is this relevant to the Ops situation though?

@Einszwei

Honestly it sounds like he is depressed and nervous about getting back into work. Before suddenly going head first into separation (which seems to be a common theme on mn) I would be encouraging him to seek professional help whilst aiding him in his job search.

If he's got an IVA, on his previous salary, then he has form in terms of his attitude to money. The details of this current situation are what's bugging OP right now, but he sounds totally undependable. He's obviously spent beyond his means in the past, and now he's spending beyond OP's means.

OP I get it's a tough decision, but you gain nothing by staying. Now you know what can happen (with the eldest LO) you can be prepared with your arguments ahead of time. And if he threatens you with that (which would be downright nasty of him) tell him to see you in court.

Can you imagine the responses if a mother came on here and posted 'I'm a sahp, homeschooling all year and dh tells me he's fed up with me 'not bothering to work'' ? I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be 'you should be paying half to all bills
If it were the same circumstances, I'm pretty sure people would be. It's all well and good to want to be home 'for the child/ren' but leaving the other parent to carry an untenable financial and mental load without any effort to help is utterly selfish no matter who you are.

I'm too scared to leave. I recently lost my eldest LO to a previous partner who used my job against me to gain residency. I can't lose this LO. I'm trapped. I just wish he would do what he promised

You should have led with that so we knew you were just venting and had no intention of changing anything. He won't change, he doesn't need to. This is your life and it isn't going to get any better because there is no motivation for him to change a thing.

You need legal advice, and you can use the money you'd otherwise be using to cover his IVA for at least one month to pay for a session with a lawyer.

The important things to understand is how much equity is in the home, what the split would be if you sold it and went your separate ways and how much he would owe on the IVA. Also what housing costs are for rental / purchase in your area.

If its a 50/50 split of a decent amount of equity, you could walk away with enough to fund the purchase of another house which is purely in your own name. He would be forced to either get a job or use his equity to clear the IVA.

I’d do an ultimatum before splitting...he must find work or have his self employed whatever bring in a minimum of £x per month. With a deadline. Depends on finances really what deadline you set.

In mean time, yes get your ducks in a row in the event of divorce. I would first go to mortgage lender about a second mortgage or home equity loan to pay off the credit card debt. It’s higher than 0%, but will be lower than cc interest rates. In addition, it means that in event of split HE is paying half the value of the cc debt from his half of the house equity because it’s a debt secured against the house. You have the cc debt only because you’ve been paying his share of bills for 18months.

And get legal advice.

If this is real - None of this is right and you need to kick him out but before that you need urgent (and good) legal advice.

You have sleep walked into a very stupid situation and from the sounds of it, twice!?!?

I kind of cant get past the fact you lost/gave up custody of your first child??? When do you see them? Every other weekend?

He's been the SAHP and homeschooling during the pandemic, so he's hardly the 'cocklodger' that some people are claiming. That wouldn;t be said of a SAHM who was homeschooling. There are far fewer jobs around, and trying to homeschool and apply isn't easy. I'm not saying it's impossible, but instead of having a go at him explain you are at breaking point. He ought to notice but may not if he is depressed and already mired in childcare.

@Labobo

He's been the SAHP and homeschooling during the pandemic, so he's hardly the 'cocklodger' that some people are claiming. That wouldn;t be said of a SAHM who was homeschooling. There are far fewer jobs around, and trying to homeschool and apply isn't easy. I'm not saying it's impossible, but instead of having a go at him explain you are at breaking point. He ought to notice but may not if he is depressed and already mired in childcare.

OP says not.

He's been doing a little of the homeschooling work set but not a lot. He does cook but, as to household stuff, I have to write a list of what I'd like doing and it's 50/50 as to whether it gets done or not. The nagging and the constantly asking is more effort than actually just going ahead and doing it myself!

I'd get some bombproof contraception, that's for sure. Wouldn't have anymore children with this guy.

@Einszwei

Honestly it sounds like he is depressed and nervous about getting back into work. Before suddenly going head first into separation (which seems to be a common theme on mn) I would be encouraging him to seek professional help whilst aiding him in his job search.

Utter rubbish! He's a classic Cocklodger.

I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure

Why would he care? He gave up the job as he has you as the fallback woman.

You surely don't love and respect this leech who can't even be bothered to homeschool and do chores, whilst you pay all the bills?

& Why are you paying his IVA, which I presume was arranged whilst he was in employment but now he can't meet payments as he gave up his job just like that? It's his responsibility, not yours.

What's his self-employment? One of those 'hobby that pays a bit of money now and then but not a regular living wage' so-called jobs?

If you are a glutton for punishment and therefore want to stay with this lazy scrounger, you could insist that he works full-time as well as you, and you can each pay 50% of childcare fees.

You have sleep walked into a very stupid situation and from the sounds of it, twice!?!?

I kind of cant get past the fact you lost/gave up custody of your first child??? When do you see them? Every other weekend?

WTF Jackie, the OP is so gutted that she it putting up with this piece of shit so it doesn't happen again. So no it happened once.

The partner didn't give up his job to be a SAHP he gave it up to start his own business, as a supportive partner she took him at his word that isn't her failing that it didn't happen it's his.

If OP and DP had agreed that he would give up his job (and they had a mortgage that could be met by one salary) to be a SAHD and look after DD and the house and he was doing that very well.

This is not the situation. This is a massive piss-take.

Unfortunately it sounds like you’ve found someone just like your ex OP. I’m really sorry.

Einszwei
Honestly it sounds like he is depressed and nervous about getting back into work. Before suddenly going head first into separation (which seems to be a common theme on mn) I would be encouraging him to seek professional help whilst aiding him in his job search

Jesus. Stepford is a real place.

I'm too scared to leave. I recently lost my eldest LO to a previous partner who used my job against me to gain residency

I mean there's definitely more to this but okay.

DH's ex has not worked a day in her bone idle life, no disabilities, perfectly healthy, all kids school age, just lives off her family, benefits and DH and seems proud of it. These people exist whether we like to admit it or not.
Your child would not have been given full custody to the other partner because you work. If this is real.

Again, the OP said:

"He gave up his job 18 months ago (pre-covid) with the intention to be self-employed so we didn't have to worry about childcare. I had no expectations for him to earn what he was earning before, just 15-20 hours a week to contribute to the two salary household expenses."

Putting aside the limited homeschooling, what was he doing from September 2019 until March 2020?

He sounds like a Money Pit unfortunately

@testingtesting321

What conversations have actually been had between the two of you about money? Did you discuss it before he made the decision to become self employed? Does he know how difficult things are financially at the moment? Your comment of “I’m heartbroken he can’t see me crumbling under the pressure” sort of implies it hasn’t explicitly been talked about and you are just waiting fir him to notice. Do you guys talk about this?

This ^

I see my eldest every other weekend and school holidays. I never 'gave up' custody - it was ripped from me and broke me. People often labour under the illusion that the family court is some kind of logical, rational forum.

It doesn’t matter that they’re not married. If the IVA fails either the creditors (individually) or the insolvency practitioner can apply to make him bankrupt risking the house. I’m not saying pay the IVA until it finishes, I’m saying get some advice on the risk to OP’s house and OP’s equity.

Even if not married if they separated she could apply to the courts under the Childrens Act to have the equity apportioned unequally but I know very little about that so only mentioned because a risk to his equity might still affect OP.

OP, if you’re still reading, please also don’t turn unsecured debt to secured debt by getting a second mortgage. Whilst the advice may be well meaning it’s really not a good idea. If you can’t cover your minimum payments get proper impartial debt advice from a debt charity that won’t charge. StepChange, Payplan, Citizens Advice or CAP.

Above was to Dannydevitoiloveyourart

@RapunzelHadExtensions

I'm too scared to leave. I recently lost my eldest LO to a previous partner who used my job against me to gain residency

I mean there's definitely more to this but okay.

DH's ex has not worked a day in her bone idle life, no disabilities, perfectly healthy, all kids school age, just lives off her family, benefits and DH and seems proud of it. These people exist whether we like to admit it or not.
Your child would not have been given full custody to the other partner because you work. If this is real.

Don't mean to scare you @RapunzelHadExtensions but it does:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1024304/Why-more-women-losing-custody-battles-children.html