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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my partner has chosen not to work?

151 replies

MoneyWorries122456 · 24/02/2021 18:59

I just wanted some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable to my partner. When we met we both had good jobs (him earning slightly more than me) and planned for a good lifestyle for the future (£100k joint income). He gave up his job 18 months ago (pre-covid) with the intention to be self-employed so we didn't have to worry about childcare. I had no expectations for him to earn what he was earning before, just 15-20 hours a week to contribute to the two salary household expenses. Fast forward 18 months he hasn't bothered to work and has left me in tears with money worries every month as to worry how we are to afford to cover the basics. I have been paying both halves of our bills but just recently my credit card 0% deals have come to an end (I usually pay off a large chunk and then shift). Unfortunately he has left my finances in such a state by not bothering to work that I can no longer shift as they are maxed to the limit. I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure. He orchestrated a row today whilst he was (finally) applying for jobs; I assume to get out of applying. I just wanted to know if anyone else has this trouble and what to do?

OP posts:
CherryRoulade · 24/02/2021 19:58

He’s being very unreasonable. I would not be paying his personal costs unless he was contributing in some way - child care, cleaning count as contributing if he’s homeschooling all day.

Theunamedcat · 24/02/2021 19:59

@arethereanyleftatall

Can you imagine the responses if a mother came on here and posted 'I'm a sahp, homeschooling all year and dh tells me he's fed up with me 'not bothering to work'' ? I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be 'you should be paying half to all bills'
Except he isnt really doing the homeschooling the housework anything like he should so people trying to reverse it doesnt work
7yo7yo · 24/02/2021 20:00

Stop paying his IVA and any debts in his name.
Prioritise your debts.

Chloemol · 24/02/2021 20:03

Stop paying the IVA. Leave him and just pay for yourself and you child

AndAPartridgeInABearTree · 24/02/2021 20:04

If he chooses not to work you can choose for him not to be your partner.

SummerBody1 · 24/02/2021 20:04

I had to google IVA - so you are paying his debts while accumulating debt yourself. Just. NO. YANBU

Viviennemary · 24/02/2021 20:05

So with your agreement he has become a SAHP while running his own business. How can he pay his share of bills if he isn't earning anything.

FortunesFave · 24/02/2021 20:06

Tell him you've got to sell the house and buy something smaller to suit your salary and that he won't be coming with you.

Seriously....it will take a shock to get him going again.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/02/2021 20:07

You need to dump him. I can assure you he will dump you when the money has all gone and he can't sponge off you anymore.

VodselForDinner · 24/02/2021 20:08

Where did the debt come from?

Surely you had savings when you were earning a combined £100k, and could cover day to day bills when that dropped to c. £50k 18 months ago?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2021 20:10

What’s your financial set up if you split up? Can you sell the house, clear the debts and buy something cheaper on your own?

Original poster
MoneyWorries122456 · 24/02/2021 20:10

I'm too scared to leave. I recently lost my eldest LO to a previous partner who used my job against me to gain residency. I can't lose this LO. I'm trapped. I just wish he would do what he promised.

OP posts:
Summerdayshaze · 24/02/2021 20:10

Get rid. Can’t stand idle men.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2021 20:10

Is your job controversial?

sweetyplums · 24/02/2021 20:12

100% get legal advice here. He may be trying to shift into primary carer mode before divorcing you.
Didn't be naive. Even if you think that may never happen get legal advice.

Devlesko · 24/02/2021 20:12

I wonder if men call their sahp's fanny lodgers.

DogInATent · 24/02/2021 20:15

He left employment willingly before clearing the IVA?
What was he planning to do for self-employment?

LeonaV · 24/02/2021 20:15

Oh hell no.

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/02/2021 20:15

@MoneyWorries122456

I'm too scared to leave. I recently lost my eldest LO to a previous partner who used my job against me to gain residency. I can't lose this LO. I'm trapped. I just wish he would do what he promised.
If he knows about this, then he knows he has trapped you. Get some good quality legal advice to try and understand what steps you can take from now to protect residency
sweetyplums · 24/02/2021 20:16

@Devlesko I became a sahm because it was agreed and my dh was happy for me to stay at home. We regularly discuss finances and in 2019 dh lost his job. The day he lost his job was the day I started applying to work again.
Firstly it's a lot of pressure for anyone to run a household on their sole income if things require more than one income and secondly it's just out of order to expect someone else to earn money to cover you not working when it's not properly discussed and agreed to, so I think your comment is not really relevant here.

RedcurrantPuff · 24/02/2021 20:16

YANBU

why are you tolerating this lazy shit?

Tagagzjskva · 24/02/2021 20:17

Interesting how different the tone of the thread is to if this had been reversed and the partner was a SAHM

QueenOfLabradors · 24/02/2021 20:17

.

addicted2spaniels · 24/02/2021 20:19

Did you lose custody because of your working hours, OP?

You really need to get some legal advice here. This man sounds like he's costing you an awful lot..........

Possiblyhelpful · 24/02/2021 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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