That my partner has chosen not to work?

[MoneyWorries122456]

I just wanted some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable to my partner. When we met we both had good jobs (him earning slightly more than me) and planned for a good lifestyle for the future (£100k joint income). He gave up his job 18 months ago (pre-covid) with the intention to be self-employed so we didn't have to worry about childcare. I had no expectations for him to earn what he was earning before, just 15-20 hours a week to contribute to the two salary household expenses. Fast forward 18 months he hasn't bothered to work and has left me in tears with money worries every month as to worry how we are to afford to cover the basics. I have been paying both halves of our bills but just recently my credit card 0% deals have come to an end (I usually pay off a large chunk and then shift). Unfortunately he has left my finances in such a state by not bothering to work that I can no longer shift as they are maxed to the limit. I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure. He orchestrated a row today whilst he was (finally) applying for jobs; I assume to get out of applying. I just wanted to know if anyone else has this trouble and what to do?

@Tagagzjskva

Interesting how different the tone of the thread is to if this had been reversed and the partner was a SAHM

But the intention wasn’t for him to be a stay at home parent. The plan, his plan, was to be self employed. And he’s gone back on that.

If he feels he’s no longer able to do the self employed venture then he needs to get another job. Because he’s not doing what he said he would and it’s now costing you money rather than saving it.

@MoneyWorries122456

I'm too scared to leave. I recently lost my eldest LO to a previous partner who used my job against me to gain residency. I can't lose this LO. I'm trapped. I just wish he would do what he promised.

How did your job count against you regarding residency, unless your job is questionable? I'm confused over that.

You need legal advice @MoneyWorries122456 - continuing to pay off his debt whilst you accumulate your own makes no sense. I would certainly stop his access to your credit cards, if he is running up debt in that way.

My previous partner didn't work either so he used me having a job as an excuse to say he was a more appropriate full time carer. He found a new wife to do the child care and then finally got employment. I do just a normal office based job although can now WFH.

I've seen many a thread on here where a SAHM has said she can't do child care and house work and loads of posters here saying that looking after the child is a full time job and household chores should be split seems to be the normal MN response, except for when it's a man at home. Also we're in the middle of a pandemic. Apparently jobs are hard to come by.

OP ..... how did he end up with an IVA, do you know the details?

And what is it about your job that affected your custody of your older child?

He needs to go, he’s too lazy to run a home and look after his kids. He’s more likely to go back to mummy.

Right now your wfh so you’re there just as much as him. He sounds vile.

Stop paying his debt, ffs! And tell him the house will have to be sold or it will be repossessed. Get legal advice, but you say you 'lost' your older child to your ex 'recently'? How recently? Did you jump straight into another relationship with this guy? You need to learn how to stop repeating this pattern of behaviour because cocklodgers target doormats.

@ludothedog

I've seen many a thread on here where a SAHM has said she can't do child care and house work and loads of posters here saying that looking after the child is a full time job and household chores should be split seems to be the normal MN response, except for when it's a man at home. Also we're in the middle of a pandemic. Apparently jobs are hard to come by.

There definitely is a lot of hypocrisy over SAHD versus SAHM. But I think once the youngest bis in school most people could do part time work. Finding a job right now isn't likely to be easy though.

I have a friend who ended up in this situation - I think she would say it creeped up on her and before she knew it things were established including her paying his debts; him using his credit card for personal spends and her paying that too and generally sleeping most of the day and only doing the bare minimum whilst she worked more and more. She also found it hard to address as there was an almighty tantrum if she just broached the topic - he got pretty good and making everything her problem. I suspect your partner as a good sense of your vulnerability and fears. You should cut off all monies and make him ask you for every penny until he either develops some conscience about not contributing or starts to understand you aren't the weak person he is confusing you for.

@middleeasternpromise this was similar to me with my ex. He did similar. My resentment of him just grew and grew, until one day I ended it. Can’t say too much about my situation as it’s too identifying potentially. But I had a joint mortgage, no kids then, I did a lot of heavy talking and negotiating what I would pay him to remove him from the mortgage. It was tricky and stressful but I got through it without being too financially screwed.

Stop paying his IVA otherwise you will end up with a fucked credit rating and won’t be able to remortgage or buy him out
It’s already started to harm your credit rating as you can’t move to a cheaper card

Let him end up with a fucked credit rating

Put your little one in nursery that way he can’t claim he’s the main primary carer
Make sure your down as the main point of contact at schools and doctors
Otherwise you will lose this kids to another lazy cocklodger and you will be paying for the him to live

There was another thread on here where a woman decided not to work either, she decided (not by medics or OH) to give up work. Her DH was left funding her and her lazy adult son. The comments were the same as here. no gender issues, this woman just like OP DP unilaterally decided to give up work.

In OP case this has led to her maxing out on credit cards, being in debt and likely giving she doesnt earn enough to pay for the house, having to sell it.

Personally given her history I would suggest she sorts out her own debts, ensures she is not seen to be reliant on this man for childcare, perhaps she has a parent close by that she could get to help. Then we she can make a clean break this man wont try and suggest he is the main carer

.

loads of posters here saying that looking after the child is a full time job

Not when the child is school age, they don't.

IVA and no intention to work. He shows no consideration for your feelings at all. He needs to pull his weight with the emotional and financial strain or move out.

OP, have you tried for a mortgage holiday? Can you apply for a personal loan and give the reason as debt consolidation? It's a lot cheaper than full interest credit cards.
Obviously stop paying his IVA - you should have stopped 15 that months ago when it was clear he wouldn't work.
Cut him off from every penny you earn - you aren't married and he's had time. What would you have done for childcare this past year if he had worked though?
You don't like each other. That's enough reason to split.

In fact, are we going to conveniently ignore all the threads on here that tell unmarried mums to go back to work so they don't end up financially exposed?

Going against the grain but please please don’t stop paying the IVA (at least not straight away and without taking advice).

If the IVA fails a creditor could apply to make him bankrupt and this will risk his equity in the house and could lead to an application for an order for sale. You might think it’s his equity so who cares if he loses it, but the proceeds of a marital home aren’t always divvied out 50/50. If he is made bankrupt and the bankruptcy trustee applies for an order for sale you’ll lose the house unless you or someone else can buy his share off him.

Get some advice on the risk to the house and the equity before stopping payments. If you’re struggling he can ask for a payment holiday for up to 6 months while you get yourself sorted and decide on next steps.

Also worth considering if you sell the property to downsize his share will almost certainly go towards paying his creditors under the terms of the IVA.

How many years left on the IVA?

@MoneyWorries122456

My previous partner didn't work either so he used me having a job as an excuse to say he was a more appropriate full time carer. He found a new wife to do the child care and then finally got employment. I do just a normal office based job although can now WFH.

It's not as straight forward as that. My ex was (nominally) the non-working SAHP. I am the resident parent and (at the time) ex was granted some contact time. He did try and say that he could provide more care for our son, but it was clearly in DS's best interest to be with me, who could provide for him. I don't think any court frowns upon a working parent that uses childcare.

Honestly it sounds like he is depressed and nervous about getting back into work. Before suddenly going head first into separation (which seems to be a common theme on mn) I would be encouraging him to seek professional help whilst aiding him in his job search.

His a SAHP- but that takes two to agree that role- you can’t just do it unless both agree.

@YoniAndGuy

Do not pay one penny more of that IVA. You are not married, you get nothing from this - worse, he has helped rack up that CC debt but it's all in your name.

Separate. He's going to leech until there's nothing left.

If you can extract any money before you tell him you're off, great.

Absolutely this ⬆️

@MoneyWorries122456

I'm too scared to leave. I recently lost my eldest LO to a previous partner who used my job against me to gain residency. I can't lose this LO. I'm trapped. I just wish he would do what he promised.

Can you revisit residency now that your ex is working too? Ask for 50/50 perhaps?

I know that’s not the point of the thread.

I would ask for a mortgage holiday and get legal advice re protecting residency too.

@Blackjackontherocks

Going against the grain but please please don’t stop paying the IVA (at least not straight away and without taking advice).

If the IVA fails a creditor could apply to make him bankrupt and this will risk his equity in the house and could lead to an application for an order for sale. You might think it’s his equity so who cares if he loses it, but the proceeds of a marital home aren’t always divvied out 50/50. If he is made bankrupt and the bankruptcy trustee applies for an order for sale you’ll lose the house unless you or someone else can buy his share off him.

Get some advice on the risk to the house and the equity before stopping payments. If you’re struggling he can ask for a payment holiday for up to 6 months while you get yourself sorted and decide on next steps.

Also worth considering if you sell the property to downsize his share will almost certainly go towards paying his creditors under the terms of the IVA.

How many years left on the IVA?

They aren’t married.

@YoniAndGuy

Do not pay one penny more of that IVA. You are not married, you get nothing from this - worse, he has helped rack up that CC debt but it's all in your name.

Separate. He's going to leech until there's nothing left.

If you can extract any money before you tell him you're off, great.

He has already got an IVA amd was going to run a business/ be self employed. IVAs are if you have considerable debt -they cost a lot so he must have had 20K plus debt at least. Omg you are in a pickle here OP .You are getting into debt but paying his off? Ive never heard anything so shocking as this .

Hi OP, just sat here open mouthed at the similarities of our stories, from shouldering the financial burden, to having to be the responsible adult in keeping a stable job, deteriorating mental health, to being punished for being a working mum and losing custody of a child
I'm so, so sorry you are going through this Everyday you just get on with your life with this little niggle that you can ignore some days but others eats away at you.. the niggle that you're being taken advantage of by someone who should be helping you support the home and family you both agreed on!

All I can say, is trust your instincts sweetie. You're in a great place if you're starting to realise the position you're in, you can start protecting yourself (seeing a solicitor, getting paperwork together, cementing your position as main carer- document everything- being a SAHP also means making doctors appointments, planning holidays, birthday parties, teachers meetings, involving children in extra curricular activities- youve done this before if you've been through court, now YOU know what cafcass puts in reports.. does he do these things??)

Maybe, see what happens if you stop paying the IVA, his reaction will help you decide if your instincts are correct. If it's the kick up the bum he needs to contribute, brilliant- you have something to work on for your little family... but, if he's still not bothered then you'll know what you need to do.

I wish I had appreciated and respected my self worth years sooner, it's a hard slog building my esteem and confidence back up!

You can't living the same day over and over then expect a different outcome.