Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

That my partner has chosen not to work?

151 replies

MoneyWorries122456 · 24/02/2021 18:59

I just wanted some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable to my partner. When we met we both had good jobs (him earning slightly more than me) and planned for a good lifestyle for the future (£100k joint income). He gave up his job 18 months ago (pre-covid) with the intention to be self-employed so we didn't have to worry about childcare. I had no expectations for him to earn what he was earning before, just 15-20 hours a week to contribute to the two salary household expenses. Fast forward 18 months he hasn't bothered to work and has left me in tears with money worries every month as to worry how we are to afford to cover the basics. I have been paying both halves of our bills but just recently my credit card 0% deals have come to an end (I usually pay off a large chunk and then shift). Unfortunately he has left my finances in such a state by not bothering to work that I can no longer shift as they are maxed to the limit. I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure. He orchestrated a row today whilst he was (finally) applying for jobs; I assume to get out of applying. I just wanted to know if anyone else has this trouble and what to do?

OP posts:

Brokenrecord3006 · 24/02/2021 19:34

Tell him you can no longer pay his IVA because your credit card repayments are about to go up. And do the same for any other bills of his that you're paying. Then see how long he manages without an income, because right now you are his income.

ChaToilLeam · 24/02/2021 19:35

Time to separate from this cocklodger.

goodwinter · 24/02/2021 19:35

@omygoditsearly

Agree he is not pulling his weight financially but is he running thr household and the looking after the children? If do it's pretty much SAHP territory but not financially coping.

You can't just unilaterally decide to become a SAHP though!

Original poster

MoneyWorries122456 · 24/02/2021 19:35

He's been doing a little of the homeschooling work set but not a lot. He does cook but, as to household stuff, I have to write a list of what I'd like doing and it's 50/50 as to whether it gets done or not. The nagging and the constantly asking is more effort than actually just going ahead and doing it myself!

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 24/02/2021 19:36

You have a verified cocklodger on your hands. I don't think it's a treatable condition.

Stop paying his IVA, seek legal advice and prepare your exit plan. You're just digging the hole deeper now. If he was a proper partner he'd be doing delivery work or stocking shelves overnight in a supermarket if he couldn't find any other work.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/02/2021 19:37

Can you imagine the responses if a mother came on here and posted 'I'm a sahp, homeschooling all year and dh tells me he's fed up with me 'not bothering to work'' ? I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be 'you should be paying half to all bills'

edwinbear · 24/02/2021 19:37

Gosh OP. What a mess, you’ve run up a huge amount of debt in your own name, paying off his previous debts and also paying the day to day bills. I’d agree to stop paying off his debts, that’s his problem, you need to focus on your own debts. Why on earth are you prioritising his debts over your own? Your not married, his debts are not your problem, he needs to take responsibility for those and get a job to pay them off. You really need to focus on the debt in your name.

BackforGood · 24/02/2021 19:37

I can't understand the conversation 18months ago.

Was it that, as a couple you agreed for him to be a SAHP?
Or, had he come up with a business plan to set up his own business ?
Or, had he been offered a new, part time, or consultancy type job before he handed in his notice ?

I mean, there are lots of different reasons why one person in a couple can be 'not contributing financially' and it works, but this is about what you both agreed and wanted before he resigned.

Pippin2028 · 24/02/2021 19:39

Time for an ultimatum. I think in the cases of you have the funds and someone needs to take some time out for a bit without it negatively impacting the family, that's different, but when a grown adult who's capable of working is happy to watch their partner struggle, it's completely different. Things are really tough out there at the moment for job searching and it is no fun, doing endless forms and assessments but ultimately it needs to be done to even get an interview!
It's time to be tough, time to get the CV on point and apply for what is going out there. At the moment plenty of people are doing jobs they wouldn't normally consider but they have to do to keep an income coming in.

MixedUpFiles · 24/02/2021 19:39

Not working should always be by mutual agreement. I would be looking to leave.

rawalpindithelabrador · 24/02/2021 19:40

@arethereanyleftatall

It would be if it were revealed that they didn't agree to her being a SAHP, isn't doing the homeschooling and her husband had to provide lists of all the tasks.

addicted2spaniels · 24/02/2021 19:40

Oh love, in the kindest way you've become his doormat.

Time to pull yourself out from under his feet.

And stop paying his IVA immediately.

Original poster

MoneyWorries122456 · 24/02/2021 19:42

I agree with the SAHP comments. But the original set up that we had committed to is a mortgage for a house that requires 2 salaries (or 1 and a quarter would be enough). Even that house he moans is too small. If he had wanted that, then he should have expressed this wish, and we could have made arrangements to purchase a smaller property instead of leaving me lumbered with a large mortgage on one salary.

OP posts:

Ellpellwood · 24/02/2021 19:42

@arethereanyleftatall

The responses on this thread are really weird without the full facts! Reverse the genders and imagine 'iabu? I've been homeschooling this year and dh still expects me to find a job and do 20 hours work per week. How?'

Mmm. What about the first 7 months pre-lockdown? And what if the post said "I said I'd look for work but... oops! I didn't"?

Tempusfudgeit · 24/02/2021 19:44

OP - he's showing you who he is. Believe him. Ask yourself - is this a 'partner' you would choose?

Sexnotgender · 24/02/2021 19:44

@arethereanyleftatall

If you spin it like that yes.

However if you add the actual facts.

I decided to give up my job knowing full well my husband couldn’t pay everything on his salary and I sometimes do some chores then it’s a little less clear cut.

Gerberageri · 24/02/2021 19:49

If you reversed things I'm not sure as many people would tell a man in the equivalent position to 'leave her!'

It must have been incredibly useful for him to not be working with schools closed for so long, especially if he's glad not to be working.

In some ways I think you need to draw a line under what has happened (small children, a pandemic) and think about your future and have that conversation with him. If he isn't able to return to work then either you accept that and perhaps downsize (assuming you have a nice house and could move to a cheaper area for example) or agree new responsibilities. Or he needs help and you could go to relate etc. Or final option is that you do separate in which case you'd probably have to move anyway and will have even less money as it's expensive being a single parent and needing childcare if he doesn't contribute and won't pick the kids up.

Good luck!

TrailingLobelias · 24/02/2021 19:52

He should be doing most of the housework and childcare and all of the homeschooling if he is a stay home parent.

Can you get a mediator?

YoniAndGuy · 24/02/2021 19:53

Do not pay one penny more of that IVA. You are not married, you get nothing from this - worse, he has helped rack up that CC debt but it's all in your name.

Separate. He's going to leech until there's nothing left.

If you can extract any money before you tell him you're off, great.

VestaTilley · 24/02/2021 19:53

YANBU.

A good, kind and considerate husband or partner would not do this to you. He’s using you. It’s fine for him to give up work if he is looking after the children or has another one to go to, and you can manage on just one salary and you agreed to it - but that’s not the case here. It sounds like he’s now getting you in to financial trouble also. This is unacceptable.

He needs to get a job immediately and pay you back, or you’ll kick him out and change the locks.

Make sure he’s not running up debts in your name or mucking about with the mortgage.

If you threaten to leave or ask him to leave you need to be prepared to go through with it.

But he’s disrespecting you, and this is not ok or normal. Sorry OP.

BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 19:53

@YoniAndGuy

Do not pay one penny more of that IVA. You are not married, you get nothing from this - worse, he has helped rack up that CC debt but it's all in your name.

Separate. He's going to leech until there's nothing left.

If you can extract any money before you tell him you're off, great.

This 🌺

NovemberR · 24/02/2021 19:55

I don't think this is salvageable.

I honestly think you'd be much happier if you split up, sold the house and you bought somewhere that didn't put as much financial pressure on you.

What he does will no longer be your worry. He sounds lazy.

Quartz2208 · 24/02/2021 19:56

Yes stop paying his IVA and start paying your credit card and I think look at selling the house while you still can

There is nothing left in this for you

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/02/2021 19:57

Bin off the cocklodger before he takes you for 1 penny more.

JungOwlWan · 24/02/2021 19:57

Forget about the lifestyle two incomes could give you and think about going your own way. You're in a really good situation if you earn about 50k. You can do this alone. It might not all fall in to place immediately but when your child)ren) no longer need childcare, then you will be feathering your own nest only.
This man sounds like a lazy non starter.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread