That my partner has chosen not to work?

[MoneyWorries122456]

I just wanted some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable to my partner. When we met we both had good jobs (him earning slightly more than me) and planned for a good lifestyle for the future (£100k joint income). He gave up his job 18 months ago (pre-covid) with the intention to be self-employed so we didn't have to worry about childcare. I had no expectations for him to earn what he was earning before, just 15-20 hours a week to contribute to the two salary household expenses. Fast forward 18 months he hasn't bothered to work and has left me in tears with money worries every month as to worry how we are to afford to cover the basics. I have been paying both halves of our bills but just recently my credit card 0% deals have come to an end (I usually pay off a large chunk and then shift). Unfortunately he has left my finances in such a state by not bothering to work that I can no longer shift as they are maxed to the limit. I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure. He orchestrated a row today whilst he was (finally) applying for jobs; I assume to get out of applying. I just wanted to know if anyone else has this trouble and what to do?

[Dacquoise]

Is the Op certain that her partner would apply for full custody of their child if she tried to split? It may be her fears regarding her first child. Some men have absolutely no interest in taking on full time childcare.

As for wondering if the current partner will step up at some stage, only the Op can ascertain that. But sometimes people in relationships decide they want to give up working and rely on the other partner financially.

My partner's ex wife decided to cut back on her work quite early in their marriage. She went from full-time permanent employment to part time supply work of four days which dwindled to a couple of days intermittently. No children . She was happy for partner to cover the mortgage and bills, used her income for personal expenses.

He wasn't happy about it as she didn't cook and did little domestics. When they divorced she ended up with 50% of substantial assets including shares plus maintenance to retirement. Managed to persuade the judge that she didn't have the confidence to get a full time job.

[Ellpellwood]

He gave up work whilst he still had an IVA that needed paying. The agreement with OP was for him to continue earning in some form. This hasn’t happened. He reneged on that part of the deal.

If a woman had a baby and decided to be a full time SAHP with an IVA needing paying we’d be telling her the same thing.

And yes, all of this. We are always telling unmarried mums not to rely financially on a partner. Every single day on here.

[Ellpellwood]

Anyway if it were the woman doing the childcare and housework, that would be considered equivalent, because it is a man he is a cock lodger.

Another one! Give over. He knew they could only afford this house and the bills if he worked the equivalent of a part-time job. He has not done this and does not appear to give a shit.

[EveningOverRooftops]

He gave up work whilst he still had an IVA that needed paying. The agreement with OP was for him to continue earning in some form. This hasn’t happened. He reneged on that part of the deal.

If a woman had a baby and decided to be a full time SAHP with an IVA needing paying we’d be telling her the same thing. She’s daft to plan a baby now whilst there’s still looming debt or to give up work whilst there’s still looming debt.

He’s an idiot for giving up work without paying that off first or at least the big chunk of it. He should’ve dropped his hours to part time or around school hours if possible or so he would be available part of the week whilst pursuing self employment and maintaining his own debts. This is a responsible way to manage the switch to self employment as well as keeping a net there for SHTF moments like this.

Yours, a single mother that just spent the last 18mths paying off debt, working towards self employment as a carer to a sen child and managing an entire household solo. He’s taking the piss and if it was a woman she would be taking the piss too.

[SandyY2K]

Can you not go back to court for 50/50 custody? The situation has changed...your Ex now has a job.

[OPTIMUMMY]

How sure are you that he gave up his job with the purpose of helping with childcare? He mentioned mental health, did he actually just not like his job and see the idea of having his own business part of the time and looking after the kids as a convenient out? Is he a bit of a dreamer OP? I would think if someone had an IVA then it wouldn’t be the best time to start up their own business and that they’d struggle with funding it. With the pandemic maybe that’s why his business hasn’t taken off, or maybe it never would have. Yes there’s been home schooling for the kids but lots of parents who are working from home are having to juggle that and you say he’s not making a big effort with it. Could he not have picked up a part time job in a supermarket or delivering for amazon or something at least to bring in a bit of cash to help contribute to the family finances when it was agreed all along that he would need to work around 20hrs a week? What about the months before Christmas when the kids were at school? Was he doing any work on his business then? He sounds like a head in the sand type who is reluctant to deal with problems until they get out of control and he has dragged you down with that in terms of your finances. You need to prioritise all of the bills and credit that is in your name - he already has a rotten credit rating, you don’t want yours impacted too - it will stop you getting more 0 % deals and make a new mortgage (if you downsize) difficult. If you don’t want to split up then the first step I would say just now is to make sure you are continuing to pay the mortgage and main bills but not any of his. Insist that he picks something up even part time to cover the rest otherwise tell him you have to sell up and downsize. Hopefully working will help to boost his self esteem as well and actually help his mental health, as being reliant on your partner for everything and having no money to spend can’t really be helping.

[Templetree]

@Aprilx

I cannot believe the double standards. He didn’t give up his job just to be self employed, he gave up his job with the intention of being self employed so that they didn’t have to worry about childcare, so sounds to me that childcare was the primary reason for the decision. So he has been doing childcare, he does household work although OP has to give him a list which I am sure is annoying.

Anyway if it were the woman doing the childcare and housework, that would be considered equivalent, because it is a man he is a cock lodger.

OP you don’t need to “LTB” but perhaps you need to have a conversation with him, that SAHP is not working and he should return to employment.

Seriously?!
He gave up employment when he was already in an IVA which the OP is now paying for him to pursue self employment which is very risky not to mention ridiculous when you are in an IVA.
If he defaults he is putting his partner and childs home at risk .
He isnt working hard at being a SAHP or homeschooling either.
Your standards are very low !

[Aprilx]

I cannot believe the double standards. He didn’t give up his job just to be self employed, he gave up his job with the intention of being self employed so that they didn’t have to worry about childcare, so sounds to me that childcare was the primary reason for the decision. So he has been doing childcare, he does household work although OP has to give him a list which I am sure is annoying.

Anyway if it were the woman doing the childcare and housework, that would be considered equivalent, because it is a man he is a cock lodger.

OP you don’t need to “LTB” but perhaps you need to have a conversation with him, that SAHP is not working and he should return to employment.

[Dannydevitoiloveyourart]

@Blackjackontherocks

It doesn’t matter that they’re not married. If the IVA fails either the creditors (individually) or the insolvency practitioner can apply to make him bankrupt risking the house. I’m not saying pay the IVA until it finishes, I’m saying get some advice on the risk to OP’s house and OP’s equity.

Even if not married if they separated she could apply to the courts under the Childrens Act to have the equity apportioned unequally but I know very little about that so only mentioned because a risk to his equity might still affect OP.

OP, if you’re still reading, please also don’t turn unsecured debt to secured debt by getting a second mortgage. Whilst the advice may be well meaning it’s really not a good idea. If you can’t cover your minimum payments get proper impartial debt advice from a debt charity that won’t charge. StepChange, Payplan, Citizens Advice or CAP.

Fair enough- I definitely agree she should get advice (I’m certainly no accountant)

[Dannydevitoiloveyourart]

I’m really sorry OP- I think you’ll have to do your best to convince him to go back to work. Maybe by downsizing.

The likelihood is that he will be awarded residency. This is why I always make sure my husband and I are at least working equal hours (as it is I work part time while he works full time currently). But I wouldn’t ever agree to working full time while he works part time as I want to ensure I at least get 50/50 if we broke up.

I’m surprised that you agreed to the same arrangement as you did with your ex knowing what it cost you in the end. There’s nothing you can do about the past but given what you’re afraid to lose (custody), you need a softly softly approach to ensure that it’s not your partner who calls time on the relationship and then seeks residency. That decision would better be made by you once you have got yourself in a position to successfully fight for residency.

Perhaps you can convince him that you’re both going part time and downsizing?

[TheOrigRights]

the courts obviously consider that the parent who did the full-time care should carry on doing so after separation because that is in the best interests of the child.

Not true in my case.

[harknesswitch]

Been here, seen it, done it and it doesn't get any better.

I'd recommend that you put the house on the market, you either reduce your monthly outgoings to take into consideration his lack of earning, move somewhere a lot cheaper, and you can then live within your means. Whilst you're doing that, tell him he either gets a job or you separate. He's taking the piss out of you and using you. This will continue until he either decides you can't be walk all over (although I'd struggle to stay with someone who used me like this), or you walk away. You pay off the debts with the house equity and then split the remainder

[Anotheruser02]

I would push for the downsize, then if you can start reducing your hours to pick up more childcare. I'm so gutted for you OP for what happened with your first child.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Use the IVA money to contribute toward some great legal advice. Maybe you need a different solicitor this time. Ask around for recommendations. Or post in legal and maybe someone will be able to recommend a local shit hot lawyer.

[BlueThistles]

OP how are you... ?

[Mamanyt]

@Shoxfordian

Stop paying his IVA if it only affects him. Get some financial advice and look into how you can extricate yourself from this relationship asap

Took the words right off of my fingertips.

[namitynamechange]

I think personally if you do seperate, I would at least wait until the schools/nurseries are open as normal. That will make it easier to work from home combined with school pick ups. Also who arranges things like Drs appointments, dentist appointments, school stuff? If it is you make sure you have the paper work to prove it (do this even if you arent planning to leave). It may help in a child custody dispute. And seek legal advice.
As far as the financial situation goes, I would (immediately, not waiting for schools to open) tell him that you need to downsize and sell the house. You say that you dont think you can leave him/are trapped. If that is how it is then this situation isnt going to change - so you will eventually need to downsie anyway. Doing it now means you are doing it before you are completely fucked financially and therefore will help in the long term even though it hurts now. Additionally it is something that will affect him. So far, you are the only one negatively affected by his decision not to work (and he doesnt seem to care about this). If you need to sell the house (innevitable consequence) then he might, might, suddenly find he can earn money afterall. Plus, if you do then split up having begun the process of selling up will make it quicker and less painless.

[oil0W0lio]

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

[LaurieFairyCake]

But how have you got caught twice in the same scam ?

[MoneyWorries122456]

[quote MoneyWorries122456]So silly of me @RachelHadExtensions I should have guessed that was not your persuasion Please see corrected link:

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/women-in-leadership/2014/feb/10/female-breadwinners-lose-custody-divorce[/quote]
Sorry meant to say @RapunzelHadExtensions!

[ClarkeGriffin]

You are a bank to him, not a person. Get rid of him. He's a tosser.

[MoneyWorries122456]

So silly of me @RachelHadExtensions I should have guessed that was not your persuasion Please see corrected link:

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/women-in-leadership/2014/feb/10/female-breadwinners-lose-custody-divorce

[RapunzelHadExtensions]

@MoneyWorries122456 I'm not reading a daily mail article.