people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

Sorry I think it’s unacceptable. Personally as you can afford it I think you should be paying for drinks but even you aren’t this is not on. A pay bar allows guests to choose how much or little they spend on drinks. You’re giving them no choice in this, no way

@RelaisBlu

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for

I have

Same.

I understand what you are saying,

Whilst I would expect to pay for my own drinks, I wouldn't drink £30s worth, anyway.

Christ alive,the mn only proper crew will pile in,droning on about manners & a free bar
Graspy guests who expect a free bar and all day running buffet
Do what you can afford.

I’ve been to multiple weddings, various formats
Free bar
Paid bar
Alcohol free
Vegetarian
Common theme is they were good do because we all liked the bride & groom

at people really wanting to come to your wedding abroad.

What's the bet 90% really don't want to but feel obliged to.

You can wrap it up all you like as a lovely holiday, and time to spend together with friends, and everyone has months of annual leave and it's such a handy location etc etc. But it's an imposition and so unnecessary.

And of course everyone will be achingly positive to your face. But they'll be sniping behind your back, or at least sighing at the thought of another 6am Friday flight from Stansted and schlep across to your venue for your self indulgence.

Only acceptable weddings abroad is either you or your groom are from that location, otherwise it's a exercise in selfishness, never mind the global pandemic, need to quarantine for 10 days, costs of multiple Covid tests.

As for the London plan, it's ok. Drinks after work basically. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay. If you invite, and they are your guests, you cover the cost. And you cut your cloth accordingly. Basic manners.

Can people not read??? She isn't asking the guests to commit to paying £30.

She's asking if we think they'll mind paying for their own drinks (no) and if they'll likely cover the £750. (Yes)

She's providing food and a few drinks.

People are being very obtuse tonight.

@lenovowarrior
genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for. I definitely haven't. I am happy if there's a free bar for some of it, but I've never had a wedding where everything is included.

I have genuinely only ever been to one wedding where everything is not included. It’s absolutely the norm here and I wouldn’t dream of asking my guests to pay for anything

I'm really confused as to your issue here. The £1500 is minimum spend to guarantee the space, which is settled after the event. So effectively the shortfall from the total your guests spend ends up being the rental cost of the venue? So if 25 guests only spend £20 each, your venue hire cost is £1000, if they spend £30 each then it's £750 and if they spend £60 then you get to hire it for free. Is that right?

I mean, I think what you're suggesting is essentially what happens at most UK weddings, isn't it? You pay for food and maybe a couple of drinks with the meal then it's a cash bar? Just your venue hire costs are post event and will reduce in price depending on how much your guests spend?

OP, I've read your post again and it's still not clear.

IF you will not be telling your guests to fork out the money then that would be fine. If you tell your guests that the food is on you and x number of drinks, that would also be fine and I doubt anybody would think anything of it.

What is it that you're planning to tell your guests, OP?

You say some live there, some work there ... are you sure they’re going back to London offices as I think it has changed completely with home working.

@Lemonsyellow

£30 each on drinks is not a huge stretch, just be prepared to make up any shortfall. A glass of wine is about £5 and tbh £60 on a night out as a couple is nothing really

I disagree. 30 quid is six glasses of wine, in your example, on top of the free drinks! It’s not the cost, per se, but the amount of drinks.

I think the number of City of London bars that will sell you a glass of wine for £5 will be exactly zero, so the worry about having too much on £30 will probably not come into it.

@natalienewname

at people really wanting to come to your wedding abroad.

What's the bet 90% really don't want to but feel obliged to.

You can wrap it up all you like as a lovely holiday, and time to spend together with friends, and everyone has months of annual leave and it's such a handy location etc etc. But it's an imposition and so unnecessary.

And of course everyone will be achingly positive to your face. But they'll be sniping behind your back, or at least sighing at the thought of another 6am Friday flight from Stansted and schlep across to your venue for your self indulgence.

Only acceptable weddings abroad is either you or your groom are from that location, otherwise it's a exercise in selfishness, never mind the global pandemic, need to quarantine for 10 days, costs of multiple Covid tests.

As for the London plan, it's ok. Drinks after work basically. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay. If you invite, and they are your guests, you cover the cost. And you cut your cloth accordingly. Basic manners.

The wedding is where she is from.

Yanbu. You aren’t asking them to pay for you’re wedding, you’re asking them to pay for drinks once the tab ends. That’s fine, most weddings are like that these days. Just word it nicely, something about how you’ve put a £750 tab behind the bar and no one will think anything of it.

Surely the simplest way is put away £1500. Find out how much your guests gave spent and make up any shortfall.

Not having a free bar is fine. Expecting guests to spend x amount to cover your costs is not fine. It's basically setting a fee for attending your party, which is CF territory.

@natalienewname

at people really wanting to come to your wedding abroad.

What's the bet 90% really don't want to but feel obliged to.

You can wrap it up all you like as a lovely holiday, and time to spend together with friends, and everyone has months of annual leave and it's such a handy location etc etc. But it's an imposition and so unnecessary.

And of course everyone will be achingly positive to your face. But they'll be sniping behind your back, or at least sighing at the thought of another 6am Friday flight from Stansted and schlep across to your venue for your self indulgence.

Only acceptable weddings abroad is either you or your groom are from that location, otherwise it's a exercise in selfishness, never mind the global pandemic, need to quarantine for 10 days, costs of multiple Covid tests.

As for the London plan, it's ok. Drinks after work basically. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay. If you invite, and they are your guests, you cover the cost. And you cut your cloth accordingly. Basic manners.

I’ve been to a couple of weddings abroad and they’ve been amazing. Holiday and wedding rolled into one. I’d love to go to another one!

Only on mn is paying for your own drink at a wedding a social faux pas
In real life people aren’t bothered and are happy to bring their purse

I’d actually go as far to say the weddings I e been to abroad have been more fun than the weddings in the UK. Everyone’s in such good spirits as they’re on holiday and the different traditions are so interesting.

Sorry you are getting such a hard time OP.

Essentially, what you're suggesting is an after work celebration after your legal ceremony. I think that sounds lovely and I'm sure lots of your friends will want to join.

If I were you, I would pay for the food and also have bubbles, wine, some soft drinks and beer available. Potentially this could be in nice decorative trugs/buckets. If guests wants spirits or anything else they can order and pay for it themselves at the bar.

@RelaisBlu like others have said, there was no opportunity to pay for anything at ours and been to quite a lot of others too where it is an open bar, however expectation generally is paid bar after food.

Nothing wrong in principle OP, but people may not spend that much because they just don't drink that much. If a bottle of wine is £20, for example, and you've provided 2 or so drinks each, then that's all my husband and I would need between us.

I know I’m out of touch with London prices but I wouldn’t spend £30 on drinks. Could you top up if your guests underspend?

I think it's ok if not all drinks are provided for the whole night, but there's no need to mention it to any of the guests and definitely don't mention amounts. Just be prepared to pay any shortfall just in case.

@Racoonworld I missed that, if she's from there with strong links, crack on.

I'm perhaps scarred by tedious weddings in the arse end of rural Europe. One memorable one had all guests comparing tortuous journeys to the remote location, it rained 4 out of 5 days, we were forced to stay in over priced but unpleasant accommodation and it coincided with an air traffic strike on the return so people missed the first day back of school and work. Ah, the memories

I still think that if you can afford it you cover the cost of the party. A bit rude to invite and not pay if you can actually cover it but would rather spend the money on other stuff

You can't charge people a fee to come to your wedding! Don't bother if you can't afford it. Lockdown is the perfect excuse not to fork out for a big wedding.

@RelaisBlu

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for

I have

Me too.