people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

@gamerchick

Actually sack that. People expect to buy drinks at weddings.

This is the same in my town. We might get an initial drink and some wine on the table, but drinks beyond that tend to be bought by the guests. Is normal for us.

I think £30 per person on after work drinks is quite a lot so the guests may assume they are fully paying for their own food/drinks rather than realising that you have also put money behind the bar.

1) is this a terrible idea? Yes
2) would you be pissed off at paying? Yes
3) would you just leave when bar tab ends? No probably not

When you give a party I dont think you should expect other people to pay. Which is what you are suggesting. I went to a wedding a few years ago where it was a cash bar all night and we had to pay for our own lunches as well. There was not even anything supplied for a toast. At the same time, the bride and groom were telling us all how they were going first class on their safari honeymoon. It did not go down well. I think if you cant pay the fee, you should not do this.

Sounds perfectly reasonable.

I don’t object to buying drinks at a wedding, but £30 worth is a huge amount. I wouldn’t drink anywhere near that much.

You could give people tokens for a couple of free drinks as they arrive and then they pay for any more they want. We didn't pay for all alcohol at ours - we provided a drinks reception on arrival, wine with dinner, one round of drinks for a toast after dinner. After that people bought their own, as is customary where I live. I'm not sure you will get 25 people to spend a further £500 on alcohol but as others said, they'll possibly give a card and money as gifts so you might make your £500 between what they spend and monetary gifts.

I’d put 750 behind the bar and the rest will get made up I’m sure. Don’t stress, people won’t mind paying for drinks when tab runs out but I don’t think you can ask people to pay up front.

At my 30th we had a 1k min spend I put up £500 and when that ran out people paid for their own drinks. It works fine.

Sounds like a fine idea to me. I've also been to a couple of wedding parties like this in London and we all had a great time. I would never expect to have all my drinks paid for, surely only CF's would expect that!!

I understood correctly what you were asking from the beginning.

I think enough people will want to come to a casual drinks do and enough people will buy a few drinks on top of the food and drinks you pay for to hit the minimum spend.

Due to Covid they will understand strict numbers and the need to RSVP and if people don't want to come hopefully you have in reserve a few others that you could invite.

They are basically be invited for some free food and drinks fairly local to them after work - many people cannot wait to do that!!!

The etiquette is you invite them for meal to celebrate your wedding, you pay for meal and a glass of fizz each. They will buy other drinks. You don't need to mention the minimum spend to anyone, it'll easily get surpassed.

Surely the £1500 has to be paid up front?

@Multicover no it doesn’t. It works as a tab. Well that’s how it works in most pubs in London can’t speak for every where else.

I'd not pay for any drinks beforehand apart from a toast, just let people pay for their drinks and then you make up whatever shortfall there is.

I would put £1k behind the bar then you’re not worrying the rest might not be covered.

Bloody hell OP - you are getting pure mumsnet! So you are asking people to come to your wedding celebration which is local, no fancy overnight stay expected or paid for, food and a few drinks provided. £30 each on drinks is not a huge stretch, just be prepared to make up any shortfall. A glass of wine is about £5 and tbh £60 on a night out as a couple is nothing really. It sounds lovely, my favourite wedding receptions have always been at a pub or restaurant rather than a 'Wedding venue'.

It's pretty naff.
I wouldn't mind it if I knew the couple's budget was tight, but knowing they'd chosen to spend loads on the fake wedding instead of the real wedding party would make me feel like I was funding your choices. You can afford to treat your guests, but you're choosing to spend the money on the second celebration and honeymoon instead.
To go back to you car explanation OP, the only person affected by your choice of a cheaper car is you. This is more like you chose to buy an old banger and asking your mates to fund repairs whenever it breaks down.

@Tal45

I'd not pay for any drinks beforehand apart from a toast, just let people pay for their drinks and then you make up whatever shortfall there is.

Seriously?

I also think your social circle age range may come into play OP? In my 20s-30s I wouldn't have even bothered going out if I only had £30 to spend on drinks 😂. So unless it's to host OAP relatives who insist on being home in bed by 9pm I think you'll be fine. Plus it's an actual dress up event and not a drop by for a 'pie and pint'.

Will people be invited to the ceremony?
That's the dealbreaker

Yeah a lot of people on here are clearly not city Londoners in their 20s. Not drinking because driving? Yeah that isn't a thing.

Spend the money on good canapes and a welcome fizz, plus beer for those who want it, and maybe a token for a g&t or cocktail each. You know your friends best re. whether they would stay late or drink a lot - how do they normally socialise? A bigger event like this with lots of notice, on a Friday would be fine in my circle and people would stay late. I would advise 'token' drinks over just a cash bar that runs out, I think psychologically people are more likely to stay after as it doesn't feel like 'the bar is finished'. 30 pounds on more booze...depends again on how much they drink and how pricey the place is. If you have beer drinking friends probably not, double g&t friends then definitely. Don't call it a 'wedding' as such, more a celebration party for your marriage and to get everyone together. Sounds great.

[quote Youllbeoldertoo]@Multicover no it doesn’t. It works as a tab. Well that’s how it works in most pubs in London can’t speak for every where else.[/quote]
So the OP spends the whole evening wondering if she has to cough up an extra £10 or an extra £750 at the end of the night?
Sounds like hard work to me. Surely there are plenty of venues without this minimum spend hassle?

Now that you’ve clarified, I think YANBU. However, if London prices are as expensive as people are saying (clueless Northener here), how many drinks would £750 pay for per head? And what if someone orders say an expensive bottle of Champagne on the tab? I think you need to make it really clear on the invitation what’s included so, “food and the first drink is on us!” Or have trays of a particular drink available on arrival. A partly paid for and partly paid bar will just confuse people, is there an announcement when the kitty has finished for example?

I’d have no problem paying for drinks in this scenario though but I couldn’t guarantee DH and I would drink £60 between us.

@willstarttomorrow - glass of wine in fancy hotel in London more likely £12?

I think mentally put £1500 towards it, even if you have to cover less. See also my comment be being a bride not a clubnight promoter.

[quote Youllbeoldertoo]@Multicover no it doesn’t. It works as a tab. Well that’s how it works in most pubs in London can’t speak for every where else.[/quote]
That's how it worked for us in New York. The bartender kept a running tab of every drink he made and at the end we paid it. They didn't charge us for anything they served without alcohol, but we were having the full meal there too.

£30 each on drinks is not a huge stretch, just be prepared to make up any shortfall. A glass of wine is about £5 and tbh £60 on a night out as a couple is nothing really

I disagree. 30 quid is six glasses of wine, in your example, on top of the free drinks! It’s not the cost, per se, but the amount of drinks.