people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

Paying for you own drinks is fine, having a minimum spend, not so much. I think you have to let people spend what they will and be prepared to make it up if it doesn't average £30 each. I don't think you can tell them how much they're expected to spend.

I think I might be about concerned about the reaction of guests who have forked out time and money to attend the overseas do, only to find there's a much more accessible celebration, but presumably they're people who you're very close to and you can have that conversation with them ahead of time.

A glass of wine in london in some places can be £12 a cocktail more a beer £6-7 its not likely your local witherspoons

I think this is a terrible idea. If it’s your event your guests are expected to be treated like guests - not to have to pay to be there. You said you can afford it it’s just it would impact on your honeymoon. Treat your guests, eliminate the worry and have your honeymoon at a later date or cut down on it.

My DB has two friends who are millionaires - he still didn’t expect them to pay to attend his wedding - his day, his cost.

It’s not the same as a night out - ok a night out you can arrange it for whenever you feel like it, you can turn up whenever suits, you get to go wherever you want. For a wedding you’re telling them to be at X place for Y time so the least you can do is make it a good shindig!

Your original explanation wasn’t clear to me, and I originally thought yabu. But sound to me like a normal wedding, you’re paying for food and some alcohol then it’s up to the guests. Mn tell us they don’t drink or only a thimble full, only invite if you pay for guests every whim. Please be aware that my own experience of European weddings is everything covered, uk &Ireland it’s food/some alcohol then pay as you go so this may be the difference? Everyone I know would get drunk and enjoy the celebrations , I’d certainly spend more than £30 on a night out so if you send me an invite op , I’m in 😀

It’s not a “fake” wedding abroad. It is the only wedding. You have to legally get married within the UK because it’s a massive pita to legally get married abroad. She just wants to celebrate the legal marriage in addition to the destination wedding because this has been a shit year, the abroad wedding is the dream wedding that was already planned.

Personally I wouldn’t want to pay in order to eat or drink at an event I had been invited to & would bring a gift to (wedding, baby shower, etc) but no harm in floating the idea since everyone is most likely also desperate for a party.

jeezy peepers. So much judgement here!

So many posters are comparing this to a regular wedding, with a meal and being sat at tables to eat and toast. That is not what this is.

OP - if I read correctly, the 1500 is total spend, so that includes any food purchased AND any drink? If 25 guests, that breaks down to 30 for food and 30 for drinks, if split evenly. That is easily done in any pub, never mind a London city venue. The amount that will go 'behind the bar' is actually only the amount left over after you deduct for the cost of the food and champagne or whatever you choose for the toast - that is likely to be quite a bit less than 750 to be made up, is it not?

I've been to several 'fake' weddings away, as horribly described here. All followed church weddings with small family/close guests, at a date before the destination weddings. It was understood that the destination wedding was the main event, but has led to quite some confusion as to what the actual anniversary date is. Even the couples are in debate over that fact.

Have a lovely wedding. Weddings.

OP you shouldn't have asked on MN.

Half of the posters won't have read your post properly and will vehemently insist that their (imaginary, made-up) version means that you are unreasonable.

A sizeable proportion will trot out old, weary lines like "You can't charge people to attend your wedding" and "Are you giving out tickets".

Some will read your post , disagree with your ideas and say so, politely and reasonably.

And some, like me, will say :
You know your friends best. You know that inviting them is not equal to strong-arming them into attending. You know what their alcohol capacity is.

I wouldn't bat an eye at paying for my own drinks over and above what you're providing (and indeed, did just that at a very fancy London cocktail bar where my bill exceeded what you're pondering. And that was many years ago.) I'm not rude and grabby enough to think that my presence should be entirely paid for by the bride and groom.

I think if you go into it with the idea that you may have to cover some shortfall, you'll be ok.

I have been to weddings with a free bar all night and I have been to weddings where it was free to a point, but I am sure the people that put a cap on the bar had already spend many thousands on their wedding, with a big sit down three course dinner etc. I think capping the cost at £750 for your actual wedding is really miserable. And if your guests don’t spend the other £750, you will be paying it for nothing at the end of the night.

I do not understand how covid has made it a legal impossibility for you to both travel to “your own country” (good drip feed), have a big family gathering there, but not get married there.

I am afraid I also find it weird that you are dragging people overseas to watch a fake wedding and your plan to have real celebrations makes that worse. The explanation that it is an excuse to travel doesn’t make sense, if travel is allowed they don’t need an excuse. I got married overseas, our close family travelled out, I would not have dreamed of doing that for them to witness a pretend ceremony.

On mumsnet there are so many graspy mean spirited guests who expect free food and alcohol

So the people you're really close to and who are taking leave from work and spending lots of money on your destination wedding won't be at your actual wedding, but lots of casual acquaintances will be

To answer your question, normally you pay for the food and they buy their own drinks. I would suggest sticking to that convention.

Cancel your fake wedding and just have the proper one in London.

I've never been to a wedding where, apart from wine and champagne at the table during dinner, we didn't have to pay for drinks. It's bizarre to assume otherwise.

£30 in London is nothing and it sounds like a fab idea! It's lovely to celebrate a wedding and lovely that you are able to have two celebrations. However, as this is MN expect judgement and competitive cheap and miserable sounding weddings.....

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

On mumsnet there are so many graspy mean spirited guests who expect free food and alcohol

Yes, shocking isn’t it? It’s almost as if they understand what hospitality means.

@lenovowarrior I'm surprised you're saying you don't believe anyone has been to a wedding where they didn't pay for a single thing. We paid for everything for our guests, including their transportation to get there. They didn't pay for anything.

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with part paying for the drinks and guests topping up. That happens at a lot of weddings. I would wonder if people will genuinely spend £30 extra on drinks each though so you might have to stump up the shortfall. As long as you're prepared for that eventuality and have the funds, it sounds fine to me!

@Ladyks3

You have to legally get married within the UK because it is a major PITA to get legally married abroad.

No it really isn’t. I got married abroad and explored numerous options and it was really very easy, there is generally not much more required than spending a few days there first. We would never have asked our families to come overseas to watch us pretending to get married like we are a couple of 6 year olds.

I think people will probably keep drinking and will pay some or all of the minimum until it's clear. However, yabvu if you charge people or mention this to them. I was assume worst case scenario that you will need to pay the entire minimum and then think of it as a benefit if your guests help to pay it down.

You're having two weddings. Just have one and treat your 'guests' for the day. Don't expect them to pay! Tight as.

It's a ridiculous idea. I live comfortably and still wouldn't spend that money, especially on top of travel, accomodation, etc.

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for. I definitely haven't.

I definitely have, several. I’m not saying you have to do it but they exist.

I understand that you’re not asking people to pay an entrance fee or whatever, but you are going to be relying on a certain spend per head. Either you let people know and that puts pressure on them to spend money they may not want to (unfair on them) or you’re going to spend the entire evening nervously watching the bar tab, wondering how much you’re going to end up paying at the end of the night, knowing it eats into your honeymoon/savings (not much fun for you).

I’d either accept paying the whole bar tab and see anything less than that is a bonus, or find a different venue/arrangement.

Is it just drinks that you want your guests to pay for? As in pay for what they only drink? I don’t see an issue with that as long as you provide food and one drink for everyone.

Find somewhere cheaper. London does not lack!

The only way to do it would be if you are willing to pay the difference between what your guests pay for additional drinks and the minimum spend.

Most people in my friendship group would continue drinking, whether they would spend another £30 after having two free drinks is another story- but I'm in the north so £30 could buy 2 bottles of Prosecco and a cocktail 😂

I always go to weddings and expect to pay for my drinks. We didn't provide any drinks as we couldn't afford it. I've only ever been to one wedding where all drinks were paid for and it wasn't the intention but the tab money lasted until near the end of the night so the father of the bride added another £200 behind the bar.

I don’t think there is anything remotely wrong with what you are proposing. I’ve never been to a wedding where the drinks were free, other than the wine on the table. Perhaps all my friends are common So unless it’s really common practice in your social circle to do a free bar then I can’t imagine anyone will be bothered.

So long as you aren’t dictating to people that they have to spend a minimum amount and are prepared to make up any shortfall yourself. Although I can imagine they’ll easily spend that amount anyway given the cost of drinks in London.

@askmeagainin5

I have never in my life been to a wedding where there’s a free bar all night. A few free drinks yes (to toast and with food) but then I always expect to buy my own all night.

My only worry would be that a number of your guests may decide they’re only drinking soft drinks, or only having one or two pints because they’re heading home early. Which (even with London prices ) would be way under £30. So as long as you’re ok with that possibility and would be happy to cough up the excess money to the bar at the end if their takings are short of the £750

I had a free bar (although bar prices were cheap and it took a while for people to click it was a free bar - DM though her friends were just being super generous buying her drinks!).

I don't see anything wrong with putting a set amount behind the bar and once it's gone then it's gone. Hopefully the guests will spend enough to cover the remaining cost, but obviously be prepared to cover the shortfall if they don't. I don't see anything wrong with that. I wouldn't go to any event assuming they'll be free drinks.