people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

@OverTheRainbow88

Can you not tell them so then there’s no pressure and if not enough is spent to meet the 1,500 Top it up the next day!

This is the best option I think! Chances are people will buy enough drinks , but for me personally it would be a bit bad form to to ask them. If you can afford it then worst case you’ll have to add a bit. If you can’t afford it then maybe find somewhere a bit cheaper so you don’t have to worry.

What are the prices like in the bar? I assume you are doing a buffet, so maybe £3-400 on food? As someone else suggested if you then buy say 10 bottles of Champagne for welcome drink and toast, if that brings you to about £750.

Then at about £6/7+ per drink depending on bar prices and what people are drinking that could easily get up to £30 per head, probably less for some and more for others, I expect you know what you're friends are like, to decide if that's reasonable. I would have no problem buying my own drinks, especially if there was food supplied and a glass or two of Champagne.

1) is this a terrible idea?
2) would you be pissed off at paying?
3) would you just leave when bar tab ends?

I don't think these are the real questions though.
The real question is will people spend £30 per head after the bar tab ends?

I don't know about your friends, but I would not be spending £30, even if you provided nothing.
I wouldn't mind a bar you had to buy drinks, but dh would probably have half of cider, and I'd have a pint of cola (driving). I'd not expect to have more than that, paying for or not.

I would find not providing any food unless you were up front about it, a bit off.

I think the only way we'd spend anything near £30 a head would be if you said "food isn't supplied" and sent a menu out with reasonably priced food. We might, if it wasn't too bad price decide that actually we'd eat there. However that wouldn't be £30 a head reasonable.

I've just got in the back of my head an event we went to years back, wasn't a wedding, possibly a Christening, where they provided "snacks" at lunch time (like bowl of crisps type level) and expected people to use the bar to order on (I suspect) a similar basis.
Someone had the good idea of ordering pizzas for all and we ended up sitting outside eating the pizza's very happily having paid less than £5 a head, when the meals inside started at £15. Unhappy organisers, unhappy venue, but happy guests...

People expect to buy a few drinks at a wedding, but I’m not sure they’ll all spend £30+ each! Is there the option of paying the difference at the end of the night if the bar total doesn’t make it?

Will 25 people get through £1,500 of food and drinks? That’s £60 each, so you’d be spending £30 per head on food and drink then guests paying a further £30 to cover the minimum cost, if the money isn’t to be wasted.

IMO either your budget per head will be very tight (£30 for food, a welcome drink, and a toast - so half-a-bottle of fizz per guest), or if the venue is cheaper and that’s do-able, your guests won’t all spend £30 on extra drinks.

Honestly I think it is going to be stressful and not enjoyable to have an evening where you are worrying whether people are buying enough drink at the bar. You're meant to be the bride, not a club promoter.

If you can't afford to pay for it all I wouldn't do it. Why not just all meet in a pub? With you in frock?

[quote austenwildfell]@rawalpindithelabrador

So you're having a fake wedding abroad and the real one here and expect people to pay for it? Why not just have one wedding here, the legal one, cancel the fake production abroad and pay for it rather than expecting guests to spend a certain amount? Awful, just awful. Was hoping this trend for CFer weddings would die with Covid.

Please separate the marriage and the holiday both in your mind and how you talk of it.[/quote]
Totally agree with this.

I have been to weddings with totally free bars and weddings where you paid for your drinks. If I had shelled out to attend an overseas wedding and then found out I could have saved that money and attended in London, where the actual wedding was happening I would be livid.

We had an open bar at our wedding reception. It's considered tacky in the US to do otherwise. Even with cocktails before diner and top-ups during dinner, we only paid for an average of two drinks per guest. Some didn't drink at all, others had three or four. I understand that the norms are different in the UK.

I'd suggest looking for a smaller venue with a lower minimum spend or just biting the bullet and paying for it yourself.

I think that's fine. I've been to weddings where absolutely everything was paid for. And weddings where nothing was paid for and you had to pay for all your own drinks. As long as you tell people what to expect, I can't see anyone getting bent out of shape unless you have weird friends.

@bluebeck

Do people really have fake weddings like this?

Clearly they do. Weird, isn’t it? I can’t get my head round it either.

I changed my vote as I thought people had to pay for food.
Free meal and a few free drinks is what people expect.
We did a totally free bar but most weddings I go to I have to buy some booze, even if a lot is out for free.

I think having 2 weddings smacks of indecisiveness.
Just have one and do it properly.

I can't see the issue at all OP - I've never been to a wedding where I didn;t have to buy a few drinks - can't imagine anyone would expect the entire event to have a free bar - you are providing a toast and a buffet - most rational people do not mind buying the odd pint!

Was hoping this trend for CFer weddings would die with Covid.

So true.

We had a friend who got married in August last year in Northern Italy. We were quite happy to let that friendship go and haven't looked back.

I don't want to be friends with people who have such skewed priorities anymore.

@Standrewsschool

Incidently, do the people who already have paid for your shindig abroad know there’s going to be another UK event. I’sd be a bit peeved if I’ve used precious holiday time and savings for the wedding abroad, when I could have just attended the cheaper, UK event.

This is how I’d feel. I’d rather attend the local one - no annual leave, flights accommodation etc.

It’s all well and good saying ‘ah but it’ll be a lovely holiday for everyone’ when in reality the majority would rather choose the location and time of their holidays and not spend them with lots of other people.

YABU. How would you manage everyone getting a free drink or food? Someone could arrive a bit later, and all those ahead drunk the free booze and eaten the food

Either you want people to cone to your wedding, provide all food and a couple of drinks and then perhaps a paid bar, or you don’t

On a personal note i don’t get the big wedding abroad either, how sad for those that can’t attend

You know your friends circle far better than us OP. I've no problem with a do where there's not a free bar. Throw in some food/fizz and I'd be delighted and easily make up the £30, especially with cocktails on offer. As pp suggested float the idea first and see how people feel about it.

I don't live in London any more but have been to several weddings a bit like this, essentially a drinks party and very easily would have spent at least £30 on drinks. And then got the tube home. Those wanging on about childcare and accommodation and it not being the done thing have really got the wrong end of the stick.

I think people are getting really confused about what OP is asking.
She's not asking for a £30 fee from her guests

I've never in my life been to a wedding where I've had to pay for drinks

And I've never in my life been to a wedding where there's been free drinks beyond the glass of fizz for the toast and wine on the table if you're really lucky.

OP, if you're hoping your friends will cover most of the £750, that's fine. At London prices, that's 2-3 drinks per person, so if you have to top up, it won't be much, certainly under a grand for your total spend.

I’ve been to a couple of weddings with a pay bar and thought it was tight and very odd. You’re throwing a party for friends and family to celebrate your marriage, as hosts why wouldn’t you pay?

Thinking more about this we had unlimited drinks with our wedding meal and evening.
We had allowed 3 glasses of wine as a starter, we didn't even get through that.

Just wanted to add that the only fight I saw at a wedding was the one we attended with a cash bar.

Whoops, posted too soon

I have only ever been to one wedding where everything is paid for

All other weddings, apart from food and a couple of glasses of wine, I've paid for my own drinks, especially at evening reception

And I'd didn't way more than £30.

It'll be fine

Plus this summer, people are going to be really keen on going 'out out' every chance they get, so you're less likely to be overrun by people nursing their free glass of fizz and half a coke all night.

• I'd spend way more

FFS