people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

This is why there’s are habitual can’t afford to get married threads.
Some people are aware of the magical day pressure and B&G pay for everything expectation

As reinforced by this thread there is a hysteria about what constitutes bad manners, vulgarity and how one simply must have a free bar

I liked the well,I’m American,and free bar is the norm at every wedding. Cue another American stating they’d not experienced a free bar.

It's fine -the only caveat would be that you wouldn't want to be stressing about whether or not the min spend had been made all night. If it's like the places I'm used to going in the city £30 will cover c.2.5 drinks so that's more thank acceptable.

I think it’s weird to expect guests to pay at your wedding, at a venue you chose .. you mention that they can afford to, however , so can you.. I would rather treat my friends- id my budget was small it would be a simpler affair, but expecting people to pay seems off.

I went to one of these in London. It was nice, very casual 5-9 I think and people invited to come and have a drink after work. There was small eats, asparagus, cheese etc and I think enough for about two drinks behind the bar. It was so casual and after worky though that people literally just showed their faces and left after one drink. I had a diet coke one asparagus spear and left.

Everyone expects to have to pay for their own drinks at a wedding party, so don't say anything about free drinks. Put on some fairly decent nibbles (you did say its only really a "drinks" event) and let them pay for their drinks. You'll know how much you've spent on the food then either at the end of the night or the next day, ask the venue how much was spent over the bar and if that plus food doesn't quite make it to the £1,500, top it up. Simple!

@MadameButterface

Wins the Internet today 👏

@SouthernComforter

Is your honeymoon abroad a separate trip from your wedding abroad or is it one and the same? I'm confused about the wedding abroad bit - if you're already legally married by then, you're going on a separate honeymoon and you've established you want a bit of a party, what is the wedding bit abroad for? Personally I think I'd have a good old knees up at home with friends and a nice honeymoon afterwards. With the hindsight of a few years since my own wedding the fewer things you have to stress over, the better.

Op explains this at length during the very long thread, you can view the thread so only the op’s posts show, this should help.

Sorry - you can’t have what you can’t afford. End of. I have refused invites of this nature as I’m ‘expected’ to for someone’s narrative and probably take a present. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking anyone to pay anything for my wedding. Sorry.

@Sk8ermum3000

Sorry - you can’t have what you can’t afford. End of. I have refused invites of this nature as I’m ‘expected’ to for someone’s narrative and probably take a present. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking anyone to pay anything for my wedding. Sorry.

Well it’s not ‘end of’ is it because loads of people would happily go you refusing an invite is really not going to spoil anyone’s night.

MiddleParking I’m suggesting it would ‘ruin’ anyone’s night. It’s just bad manners. If you want a gathering just ask people to meet you in the pub/bar or whatever if they fancy for an informal celebration. You can’t expect anything on your own terms unless you’re paying. It’s rude.

I have never been to a wedding where there are free drinks must be an English thing. I wouldn’t give any free drinks just get people to pay and as for the comment about fake wedding from another poster that’s just mean. It’s a get together to celebrate a friends wedding after the actual event surely?

I’ve been to wedding parties like this before, it was lovely. I didn’t expect money behind the bar, maybe just a welcome drink- so that was a lovely surprise. In London most people expect to spend more than £30 each for drinks on pub afternoon let alone a wedding. I think it sounds like a wonderful idea, also who doesn’t want to wear their dress twice! xxx

My best friend hired an area in a smart London bar for her 30th, similar situation there was a minimum spend and she had to hope everyone would spend £30 each to cover it. I ended up having to go round and collect receipts off people just so we knew how much was spent and that the minimum spend had been met. Not enjoyable and I vowed never to hire something like that for myself (I'm not a high earner or big night out spender)

Do we know when we can travel abroad?

A problem is also that we don’t know what sort of numbers restrictions on venues there might be. You might not be able to invite as many people as you might like.

Oh, another manners expert who happens to be needlessly rude and obnoxious.

I ended up having to go round and collect receipts off people just so we knew how much was spent and that the minimum spend had been met.

That, though, really is hideous on your friend’s part.

MiddleParking. The clue is in the word ‘Middle’. Mediocre. Says it all. Good night x

@Sk8ermum3000

MiddleParking. The clue is in the word ‘Middle’. Mediocre. Says it all. Good night x

Christ. I’m embarrassed for you.

🤣

If you can afford it, you should pay.
It’s bad form, unless you are hard up.
But because you’ve booked an expensive destination wedding, it will look really tight to ask people to pay.

@Marimaur

If you can afford it, you should pay. It’s bad form, unless you are hard up. But because you’ve booked an expensive destination wedding, it will look really tight to ask people to pay.

She hasn’t booked a destination wedding. Her wedding is in her home country.

Ah I see! Sorry, I skim read!
That’s a little different then.
I think it’s ok in that case.

I don’t think you’re BU. Every wedding I’ve been to, I have bought my own drinks (I’ve also been to a wedding where I had to buy my own food - the reception was at Frankie and Bennies, and was not hired out just for the party).

I would expect i would easily spend £30 on drinks at London prices, even after a few freebies. I think you could maybe not put a little less behind the bar, see what is spent on the night, and make up the difference. But that’s just me.

As for the people saying the guests shouldn’t have to give gifts as well as paying for their drinks...why? Like i said, every wedding I have been to, I have bought my own drinks, and I have STILL given gifts.

I don’t see what the problem is