people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

@SuperMorg

That is ridiculous!! Why didn’t you just ask at the bar how much was left to spend!?

For my wedding, we had a sit down meal in a restaurant after the ceremony where all the drinks (wine and beer only) were provided. We then went to club where everyone paid for their own drinks (and, like you, we had exclusive use for a minimum spend). It was great!

I have been to lots of weddings where the couple put a certain amount behind the bar and when that runs out everyone pays for their own. As long as everyone knows the deal, it is never a problem.

@Backtoschool101

Cancel the abroad ceremony. Pay for your guests and have a normal holiday (honeymoon)

It's where she is from and where family who can't travel are from.

I bet the OP is really passed off with all the people who haven't read the thread. Why do people comment when they know arse all about it because they haven't bothered to read So rude.

I think it sounds fine OP.

I've bee to lots of weddings and never ever had a free bar.

Free meal. Yes
Couple of bottles of wine per table? Yes
Free bar? No

I think it's one of those mumsnet universe things tbh

Like you've said, if they don't spend enough then you will top it up.

I hope you have a fantastic wedding (x2!)

@Snookie00

If you the read the posts more carefully, posters are not saying it's the norm to have a paid bar: but that if you can't afford a bar you don't have one - and you still provide your guests with food and drink.

I've been to many weddings that don't have a bar - it's not a given - they have wine & soft drinks etc instead.

Link the weddings data?

@Snookie00

The vehemence of some posters that paid bars at weddings being the norm got me doubting whether I live in a parallel universe where some have paid bars, some partially paid and occasionally it’s all free.

In spite of their protestations that it’s awful to make guests pay, they must live in some narrow social circle and/or not get invited to many weddings because is appears that only 20% of weddings in the U.K. are “all inclusive”. Their insistence that to do otherwise is greedy and not the done thing is untrue and makes them sound like bitchy school girls.

This is MN, though, home of the "£80k annual salary isn't that much really" way of thinking. There are posts on this site that genuinely leave me gaping because of how insanely out of touch with the vast majority they are!

Haven’t read the thread or any updates.
If you are able to pay and most of your friends are able to pay the. This should be a celebration paid for and provided by you. No payment expected by invitees.
I am what would be regarded as a high earner - so are many, not all of my friends. That is irrelevant when it comes to inviting them to celebrate my wedding.
Tbh in my circle it would be considered pretty naff for you not to foot the Bill for this. Not because everyone (most not all actually) can’t afford it easily, but because it would be really odd not to do it this way.

OP really, don't worry about it.

Ignore the Hyacinth Buckets on here who believe they are the very epitome of proper etiquette. It may be the case for some to have a fully-paid do, but nowadays it is perfectly acceptable to have a cash bar, for most normal folk. Also ignore those who haven't bothered to fully read and understand your posts before rushing in to sneer.

Ultimately, if any of your friends feel that they really, really couldn't lower their nose and pay for a few drinks for a few drinks on top of what you're providing, they'll refuse the invitation, and you'll be better off for it.

@TatianaBis. This is the link I found which tallies with many peoples understanding.

www.stylist.co.uk/life/free-bar-at-weddings-etiquette-tradition-cost/70815/amp

There is nothing wrong with saying “in my experience, paid bars are not common so people will expect not to pay for drinks”. It is incredibly rude to call the bride to be’s plans tacky, grabby, or any of the other insults you and others have directed at her. Just because you haven’t experienced something it doesn’t mean it is not entirely acceptable in this country (and I used to live in France and a paid bar for part of the evening was common-place there too so not just a U.K. thing).

I and many other posters are surprised by your assertion that you have never been to a venue which had a paid bar for at least part of the day/evening. I wouldn’t be so rude or ill-mannered to insult you for your lack of knowledge.

And I’ve got no skin in the game because we did pay for all the drinks (and hotel rooms) at our wedding but I’ve been to some amazing weddings which didn’t. We still all had a great time and didn’t bitch about the hosts and call them stingy, grabby etc. Who needs friends like that?

I also think you are getting a rough ride here OP! I've never been to a wedding where there has been a free bar. Table wine and fizz provided yes but after the dinner guests have always been expected to pay for their own drinks.

I think some people forget that for most a wedding is a joy to be invited to. Just because it would be a faff for THEM personally to organise childcare/ accommodation, it doesn't mean that's the case for everyone and that you should be working to not inconvenience your guests in the slightest to be awarded with privilege of having them attend. The majority of people feel happy to be considered to join the celebrations in some way (especially considering limits on numbers atm) and are happy to attend a good party and maybe get away for the weekend too, especially in the age group you have described!

That being said only you know your friends. Mine would EASILY spend £30 extra each on alcohol, not even considering London prices. What you're planning does not sound unreasonable, I hope all of your celebrations go to plan and wish you a happy marriage

I might have missed this, but do we know how much of the OP's £750 is going on food and how much will actually be for drinks?

At a casual evening celebration in a bar, a fair proportion of the guests are only going to stay an hour or two. I'd bet at least half will go within the first three hours, and they will have a few drinks probably covered by the free bar.

You'll then be left with 10-15 people needing to spend £750 in the last couple of hours. It seems like a big ask, even at London prices.

@Snookie00

Posters have not said the bride herself is tacky; they've said asking guests to pay at is tacky. There's a difference.

There's "surprise" on both sides: some posters are apparently gobsmacked that charging your guests is rude. Hey ho.

That link is interesting on two fronts:

1. Small sample. As I suspected not 20% of the UK, but 20% of 4000 respondents from a bridebook.co.uk app survey

1. It entirely supports my feeling that alcohol is axed because costs are snowballing with the fad for ostentatious weddings:

"alcohol is an easy sacrifice as it’s one of the few cuts which can be made last minute, without changing the image of the day"

Exactly. It's all about image. Not hospitality. You want a grand wedding & a £££ dress? Fine, charge your mates.

Natasha, a bride-to-be: “in an an ideal world I would love to be able to pay for my guests to have free drinks all day, but weddings are so so expensive that it's really difficult to do.”

As if the expense of the wedding wasn't entirely under her control! It's her choice: cheaper dress, cheaper venue, great you can offer proper hospitality to your guests.

Which is what Anita does:

“My partner and I really wanted to be able to have a party atmosphere at our wedding, which meant we never considered making guests pay for drinks – it didn’t seem like the norm. But we’re on a tight budget, so we’re having the ceremony and reception on a Friday to cut venue hire prices.

I notice that the average London weddings is now double the cost of ones in Scotland.

Well, it is very British. The only time ever I have paid for drinks was at a wedding in England. But then, I knew that would happen and went prepared. My wedding was free bar all night, but then I got married in Spain and that´s what´s expected. So with that in mind, go ahead.

[quote Youllbeoldertoo]@SuperMorg

That is ridiculous!! Why didn’t you just ask at the bar how much was left to spend!?[/quote]
I'm trying to remember but I think my friend didnt trust them or some such 🤷‍♀️

@TatianaBis. Your back-pedalling on this is amusing. To answer your points

1. erm yes. That’s how all surveys work. You do realise that no surveys ask every single person in the country. Interviewing 4,000 brides is a damn site more representative than your anecdata that no one in your particularly narrow social circle would dream of charging - inference being that you’re all a) richer and b) an all round nicer people than anyone who does have a paid bar.
2. whatever the reason it is more common than not to have a paid bar. You were wrong and rude to infer that it wasn’t the done thing.

I paid for all the food, drinks and accommodation for my 2 day wedding extravaganza (but that was because I had a “fake” wedding in Italy!).

I’ve never been to a wedding in the U.K. with a free bar all night. Ever. It’s really not the norm.

What's amusing is to be accused of "backtracking" when I've said precisely the same thing all the way through the thread.

It's because I know how surveys work that I took your claim that: only 20% of weddings in the U.K. are “all inclusive” with a pinch of salt & asked for the link.

If you'd read my posts you'd see I have been to weddings from all different backgrounds in France, Italy & Russia, as well as the UK.

This is by the by as surely there have been sufficient posters on this thread saying the same thing, to make you make you realise that that perspective is fairly common. It's not particular to any social background.

What is "the done thing" (not a phrase I used) in your world isn't in other people's. Not in Spain for a start, apparently. And you meant 'imply' not 'infer'.

Well no it’s not that common to provide all the drinks. As many people have told you. I’m not so narrow minded to think that just because my friends do something it is the only true way and anyone else who doesn’t is doing things tackily. To be fair, there were many others on this thread who were far ruder than you and who called her religious ceremony fake etc. Just replying to you as the others sniped then skulked away.

Apologies for the mix up with imply and infer. I’d started down a train of thought and tried to blend two points. You shouldn’t have inferred from your limited knowledge of weddings that it’s standard practice for hosts to pay for all drinks and you shouldn’t have implied that it was tacky have a paid bar. That better?

It's not common in your circles.

I didn't make any comment on 'standard practice'. One could equally say that you 'shouldn't have inferred' from your limited social circles that what you believe to be standard practice is universal.

I implied it was tacky to have a paid bar because imo it is.

You will survive someone having a different opinion on the internet.

I would 100% expect to buy drinks at a wedding. I’ve been to very few weddings where they’ve put on anything more than wine for toasts (some not even that) and only one where the bar tab was entirely paid for by the FOTG.
Since it’s not the main wedding and it’s more just a knees up after the official ceremony I don’t see any issues with this as long as you tell you them in advance

@RebeccaSterling I have to admit my understanding of an American wedding comes from wedding forums.

I like the idea of a free bar but in reality everyone would be in bed by 10pm.

To be fair to all sides here it seems opinions are pretty polarised. We shouldn’t join these discussions to criticise people with different views to ours. I’m happy to say I’m firmly in the ‘guests don’t pay’ camp, but having listened to other opinions, clearly were seen as ‘not in touch’ which I accept. I think OP needs to decide which camp she’s in and just go for it. If paying is the norm these days, fine. The fact you asked suggests you’re not sure and you’ve seen there is a split, which is possibly age related as much as anything. Personally, I can’t call you crass or anything as that’s unfair, I just think you can only do what you can afford. Sometimes, the best nights are the least flash and you’ll still have a good time. I just think if it’s ‘an after work thing’ then just say, ‘join us for a drink’ and if people don’t show, they’re not you’re friend. A wedding is not a fixed date where your life changes. You have years ahead (hopefully) of opportunities to socialise and maybe you’ll be able to do something bigger for a big birthday or anniversary. Honestly, weddings are over hyped with too much pressure to tick boxes. Take the pressure off and just enjoy the company of people you really like.