people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

Really shocked at how many people think you should foot the bill for everyone to else to drink. Putting £750 behind the bar for 25 people is generous, and i don't believe any friends would mind buying their own drinks.

I went to a wedding last year where aside from the welcome drinks, all drinks were paid for. I didn't mind one bit and didn't even think on it. I also got married last year in August, and we had table wine, followed by a small tab on the bar and then people had to pay for drinks. No-one minded in the slightest and not a single thing was said.

It's your day, and isn't your responsibility to pay for people's drinks. I think that in this day and age people are perfectly happy to pay for themselves and realise that it isn't any one else's responsibility to do that. And if they don't like, they don't need to drink! Simple solution.

Most wedding receptions are very similar, food and drink during the meal paid for and a glass to toast (if you are doing any of that) then afterwards usually people pay for their own drinks. My only thoughts are whether or not it £750 would cover the food in a fancy hotel?

Do you not have to pay the £1500 upfront to 'book' and guarantee the space?
Or is it more of an informal agreement (+ deposit) with the venue that that will be your minimum spend?
So in effect you're relying on, or hoping that your guests will spend enough to make it up to £1500 after you've paid your £750?
If that's the case can you not just be prepared to top up the bill at the end if it isn't met, and inform your guests upon invite that there will be a pre paid bar tab 'up to x amount' then when it's used up, it's everyone for themselves?
I personally wouldn't have a problem with that at all. I'd be happy with food and some drinks paid for. Especially since everyone will be gagging for a night out. That's how my work xmas staff dos roll. and yes, I know it's a wedding but if your guests are expecting a casual-ish affair then I wouldn't see a problem with it.
So long as they know in a advance that the tab will be used up at some point, otherwise expect a few CF wedding threads from disgruntled guests 'AIBU invited to wedding with a bar tab then had to buy my own drinks' etc.
And surely if they're good friends, there would be no problem giving them a heads up.

I think it's an ok idea, but obviously you need to make sure you have enough funds that if you don't make the £1500 bar minimum you can make up the rest.
While it's 'only' £30 each, those people will already have had a couple of drinks that you are paying for, so might not want minimum of 3 more. I certainly couldn't drink 5 cocktails and still be standing.

Also don't mention that having an 'extra' wedding might eat into your savings, as that makes you sound a) tight and b) insensitive that many people's income has nosedived in the pandemic

You said the word fancy a lot. Can you not just have a good old knees up without worrying about what people think

If it's only 25 to 30 people why don't you just throw a party at home?

@lenovowarrior

The country we are getting married in is where my heritage is from (not India itself) as it was a colonizing power.

I love a good quiz... Portugal?

@edwinbear

Are you asking people to pay upfront OP or just working on the assumption that most will spend a further £30 each after your tab runs out?

I'd be perfectly fine with the latter, and post COVID, I'd be there until kicking out time, happily buying my own drinks after the tab had run out. I'd be a bit at being asked to pay up front.

Totally agree with this. I'd have no problem with paying for my own drinks. And as you said in London that £30 will easily get spent. But I wouldn't mention a spending min to my guest, just be prepared that you may need to pay the balance if not everyone sticks around. I'm sure lots will be well up for a night out to celebrate your wedding but some may still be funny about crowds re Covid.

Also, no idea why people are being so mean about you having a wedding abroad too, what you have planned sounds perfect! Have a great time!

I definitely wouldn't mind paying for my own drinks at a wedding and would probably spend £30 within an hour. If your colleagues are anything like mine were when I worked in London, it wouldn't take long for everyone to reach the minimum spend.

I reckon at those prices you’re able to be pretty confident that the £500 will be covered - and I think it sounds like a great idea. Not many weddings/gatherings are completely paid for and I think the whole thing sounds really lovely.

Hope you have a great time lenovowarrior

It’s fine to only put a certain amount behind the bar, but you can’t expect people to pay a fee to come to your wedding. So if you mean you just cross your fingers your guests spend enough, and cover any shortfall yourself - fine, if you mean ask them to pay in advance - not fine and yes they will think you are a CF.

I see the op is trying valiantly to explain the situation and disavow posters of notion that guests are charged to attend her event

It’s quite clear
an Oversea family wedding where she has cultural & familial connections
A London get together for colleagues

Hello all, I kind of gave up with the thread as the question got lost.

I have decided to go for a different venue with no minimum spend. I do want it to be like a birthday party, except it’s the birth of our marriage (lol). My bridal party seem to think we’d meet the minimum easy. Now I’ve been sent the proper food menus for the event it definitely is more likely.

We’ve found somewhere else we love, we plan on spending £1k on food and drink - I’ve said people from work who have asked for an invite can join in the evening when it will be paid for (without explicitly saying).

Hopefully it’ll go down well.
Enjoyed some of the answers

You don't invite someobe to your wedding and then demand they spend money sorry - it would serve you right if no one turns up - I wouldn't

It's your day, and isn't your responsibility to pay for people's drinks.

I think this is the fundamental divide here. I don’t think it’s a class thing because I’ve been to weddings from all different backgrounds in the U.K., France, Italy and Russia.

Some people think their day all about them. And they expect other people to fund their dream if they can’t afford it.

Whereas others think the event is the host’s responsibility: the guests’ refreshments and comfort is on them.

Particularly so with a wedding where they may have forked out on outfit, travel, present, maybe staying a night somewhere etc.

We had a pay for bar but wine on the table. People had to pay to stay at the venue or find else where.

I hated paying for people's food but I did it because it was expected. What I hated MORE was my husbands family inviting people we DIDN'T KNOW to our wedding and paying for them.

Drinks people expect to pay for and places to stay. Food they do not sadly.

YABU.
Sorry but this in poor taste, and just 'not done' really.

Xpost with OP.

Good choice, I hope you enjoy it.

Am in my mid-30s and for my age group it's completely normal to do something like this. I've been to weddings where all drinks were covered and others that did this, and absolutely no judgement from me or friends I've been with. For my own wedding (later this year) we will be feeding people and have wine on the table and fizz on entry/for the toast, and otherwise a cash bar. I'd much rather get to celebrate a friend's special day and spend a bit (equivalent to a normal night out) to do so, than not be able to do so at all just because they can't afford to foot the entire London bar bill for a large group for the whole night (and if they had previously been married in a small ceremony, in whatever country, that wouldn't bother me - I don't think it's relevant).

I wouldn't necessarily expect people to travel/pay for a hotel for the kind of event you describe (no food?) but from your post it sounds like you aren't planning on that anyway.

(But agree that not all will spend that much - you know your friends so you need to do a realistic assessment of what will be spent and make sure you're not going to end up with a bill you can't afford at the end of the night)

Just not done is not a universal as the thread attests
So no op cannot be benchmarked against someone else perceived done thing

Is your honeymoon abroad a separate trip from your wedding abroad or is it one and the same? I'm confused about the wedding abroad bit - if you're already legally married by then, you're going on a separate honeymoon and you've established you want a bit of a party, what is the wedding bit abroad for?
Personally I think I'd have a good old knees up at home with friends and a nice honeymoon afterwards. With the hindsight of a few years since my own wedding the fewer things you have to stress over, the better.

Sounds amazing! We had 2 weddings too. One small one in UK and one abroad. Totally absolutely fine to say there's some money behind the bar for first drinks but when it's gone it'll be a cash bar. I think your friends would just be over the moon to be able to celebrate with you. Do it! I'd come, especially if I wasn't able to make it to your big wedding.

Just to say I would be happy to be invited and to pay for drinks but probably would spend less than £30.

I think I would just put £1500 towards food and drinks myself.
Often at evening receptions you get one or two free drinks and a buffet and buy further drinks yourself, however depending on travel, prices and whether guests are big drinkers they may not spend the enough to cover the shortfall , though in a swanky London bar drinks will be pricey.

@SouthernComforter

Is your honeymoon abroad a separate trip from your wedding abroad or is it one and the same? I'm confused about the wedding abroad bit - if you're already legally married by then, you're going on a separate honeymoon and you've established you want a bit of a party, what is the wedding bit abroad for? Personally I think I'd have a good old knees up at home with friends and a nice honeymoon afterwards. With the hindsight of a few years since my own wedding the fewer things you have to stress over, the better.

It's so that her family, who live in the country of the other wedding, can attend. Are you suggesting that she has a civil ceremony in the UK with casual aquaintances present and abandons the actual wedding party in her own country with all her family present?