people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

PerveenMistry: "I'm working class American and I've never attended a wedding in my 57 years that had a pay bar. We would be mortified to charge our invited guests for hospitality."

@PerveenMistry Then it seems we do it the exact same way they do it in the UK. Everyone has their own idea of what is appropriate and are horrified at the outlandish norms others follow.

£750 of food and drinks in a fancy hotel? That won’t go far for 25 people.

Never mind ind the free bar vs cash bar debate- surely you don’t expect guests to pay for food??

@SnuggleWuggle

Given death tolls, redundancies, family bereavements, lingering health conditions etc I can clearly see why having the wedding you want funded by others is more important than having one you can afford and it being about your relationship. Definitely. Your priorities are excellent and are to be commended.

I've read some sanctimonious claptrap, and some clunky attempts to pandemic shame people for doing not very much wrong on here in my time, but this has to be the winner.

I am sure the op is perfectly aware that there is a pandemic on atm, being as how she has had to rearrange her entire wedding because of it. cop on to yourself.

Gosh you’re right. Her ENTIRE wedding?! What IS wrong with me?!

I'd always expect to pay for drinks at a wedding. Any free ones are a bonus! People paid for drinks at my wedding after the meal.

However I wouldn't necessarily spend £30 after free drinks (depends how many were free and also if I had work next day etc) so just make sure you have enough money to cover any remaining balance after if needed 😊

@lenovowarrior

I think I'll explain for those in the thread that didn't read properly.

Wedding abroad was planned. I am not British. Hence, abroad with family. However, because of COVID we could not go to the country to meet the minimum requirements to legally get married in my family church. They instead agreed a blessing as everything else was paid for and planned.

Everyone is aware of this.

The wedding in London is purely for legal purposes and we didn't plan to make it a 'thing'. But with COVID, people have been sad, depressed, etc. so we thought, why not have a few drinks and some food after? We don't want it to be an event as such, more like when you meet up with friends for birthday drinks. We will cover all food (however much it costs) and at least a couple of drinks. No sit down meal style thing. No toasts, no formalities.

If we were to choose the venue I mentioned, then I was asking the likelihood people would spend around £20-30 on drinks themselves. We are trying to budget to know what is likely to be spent. There is no point going there if people wouldn't meet the minimum regardless of if they were paying.

I have been to weddings where I have paid for my drinks and that have been all inclusive.

Costs at the bar are £40 for prosecco, £80 for champagne, £30 for a bottle of white, £6.50 a beer.

I don't think my wedding plans of having two are tacky. If anyone bothered reading my updates where I explain (which was irrelevant at the beginning hence why I didn't go into detail) the only people invited abroad and to London are our parents, the best man and 2 bridesmaids. London would be an opportunity to involve more work friends and extended family. Most people live in London so it is not a cost for them to come out. Most people are young and would be in the pub anyway.

I cannot cancel abroad or my family wouldn't see me. A lot are older so cannot travel, covid or not. Every penny bar flights is paid for by us abroad - accommodation for the weekend, all food, all drink.

The above doesn’t sound unreasonable. It’s a nice idea to involve people if your overseas event is primarily family. As long as you CAN if need be stump up the extra cash if your friends don’t spend ‘enough’ to cover the deposit, then sounds like a decent idea.

If I’ve understood, it isn’t necessarily a question of 25 friends spending £30+ - if you have more people there they could spend £20 or less and cover it, right? For a big night on a Friday or Saturday yes I can definitely see this at the prices you list.

Good luck with your wedding :)

@JackieWeaver4PrimeMinister

I would vaguely budget for the whole amount, but with the view that I very much doubt you'll pay even half of that, guests may not spend £30 each, but you'll get some big spenders, some soft drink spenders and some generous "rounds" being bought. Even if everyone doesn't hit the "target" there will be people buying drinks which will offset your costs a lot.

Yes to this!

I'd say it sounds like a good idea but:

• everyone has different personal risk assessments re COVID. People who were previously up for drinking in bars after work might decide its too risky COVID wise even when these places are allowed to open again.
• linked to that - there's no guarantee the proposed timetable will happen as planned. If you have to cancel / few people come because they consider it too risky, can you postpone / get a refund?
• food. After work drinks aren't usually emotionally heightened occasions. You probably don't want lots of drunk people who've not eaten at any part of your wedding.
• people are likely to treat the invitation as a much more casual one than one to a wedding proper, so be prepared for people to drop out / not show up.

Ah, also, your crowd are quite young (25-30). We had a free bar for the first few drinking hours of our wedding (after ample wine and champers on table) and honestly our guests, same age bracket as yours mostly, were very well pleased.

So uncalled for.

OP none of your plans are unreasonable. As a 20 something in London I would probably spend over £30 but as others have said just be prepared to pay if there’s a shortfall. A 1.5k minimum spend in London is good.

It’s normal in a number of cultures to have multiple wedding events. I’m also wedding planning and my plans are similar to yours, a small Church ceremony and a meal in London and a wedding in my home country.

I wouldn’t be bothered about that a free bar it would be nice to have a few free drinks but just bare in mind that £1500 for 25 people works out £60 each fo you really think 25 people will spend £60 each on drinks ? So the bar bill may be a lot less than £1500 and so what would happen?
If what your suggesting is people spend £30 each on drinks to top it up they really aren’t getting very much back are they ? . What I’m saying is the bar want £1500 minimum spend but you may only need £1000 worth of drinks say .

I think banking on restrictions to be gone is a huge gamble and like independantfriend says even if it is allowed many will still be wary bout large events and covid as it’s not gone away.

You may call it the legal wedding but that is the wedding, that’s the date you become married regardless of any events after that.

@islockdownoveryet £60 in drinks is a standard if not cheaper night out. In the bar that is Charing £30 a bottle of wine, that’s two bottles of wine per person that seems about right.

I’d be annoyed as a guest to the abroad one, if there was now an option to not go abroad & still celebrate with you, that you’ve just created & id paid for everything already.
The abroad one only makes sense if no one is at the legal one.

I would always expect to be buying my own drinks so perfectly fine idea

TBH what you’re proposing in London is more similar to a birthday party than a wedding so I’d treat it like that. If I was invited to a birthday do in a London bar I’d be more than happy with free food and a couple of drinks paid.

Comparisons with a full day wedding event don’t really make sense.

I've honestly never been to a wedding where I've been expected to pay for anythiing including drinks. If your friends are easygoing then maybe?

TBH I'd think you were being a bit crass though. A bunch of friends who don't get to go to your "real wedding" get to go to your casual party and to pay towards it? Hmm.

I know it wouldn't be an issue with my friends. Some people won't spend much on additional drinks, but others will spend loads! It sounds more like an evening do, so I would make sure to provide a buffet and then a drink on arrival, or something like that. I think a blanket amount behind the bar might end in some people doing shots and others not getting a drink.
To be honest though, at the moment, my bigger concern would be will it go ahead. And if it does, will people want to come. I would just speak to people now and get their thoughts. And find out from the bar what they do re offering deposits back or change of dates if needed.

Amazed how many people say YABU. I’m early thirties, young professional, work in London, high earner, and I’ve only ever been to about 2-3 weddings with a free bar (including my own). I would say to make sure everyone gets access though by having waiters with trays or a table with ready poured drinks to make sure everyone gets the free bit of the bar and not just that people go nuts and order silly drinks just because it’s free for the first hour or two. I hate hate hate arriving at a wedding and not even getting a single free drink as they’ve already run out, at a minimum people should get a drink on arrival ... but apart from that, sounds completely normal (albeit a very high price cap for just 30 people).

I’m sure people will give you cash as a gift and therefor you will get some of the £1500 back.
You could always leave a little jar somewhere with a sign saying about contributions towards alcohol etc if you really needed to.

I would just take the risk that people will buy extra drinks but be prepared to pay any difference. Plus also try to drive a harder bargain with the venue. Either get them to reduce the min spend or better still get them to serve a few free bites so people want to stay longer and spend more. Depending on how you are feeling ask for contributions to honeymoon as presents. Have an amazing time!!!

Very lame provocative digs,I’m not rising to your inarticulate name calling @TatianaBis

give everyone a token - couple of poker chips or something more personal that reminds them of you, that they can exchange at the bar for free drinks. After that they pay.

But no pressure for people to spend an explicit amount - you insure it by agreeing to pay the £1500 and keep your fingers crossed

I knew you’d get these replies op. MN have certain subjects where the replies are always the same 😂.

I’ve been to plenty of weddings where the evening drinks aren’t paid for. In my experience it’s actually the norm these days! I’d happily come along and not begrudge buying my own drinks.

I’d love a reason to go on holiday with friends, bet you’re all looking forward to it.

Enjoy it all

All you're asking really is - if you provide all the food that's needed and put a bit behind the bar - are 25 guests likely to spend £30 each on top of that on drinks?
My answer is - unlikely. If I went to a nice do like this with or without my partner I'd probably have a couple of drinks, maybe a coffee to finish off with. So even if one drink was paid for by you and the rest by me, it wouldn't come to £30. If your guests are high spenders who will splash out on bottles of fizz then that would be different.