people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

@MiddleParking oh totally screwy. As well as rude, grasping, tacky and a bad hostess of course

But you can't seem to appreciate that for vast numbers of people and whole sections of society, cash bars at the end of the night are totally acceptable, completely normal and guests wouldn't bat an eyelid. And accused couples of having cash bars of being grabby and tacky and bad hosts.

What makes you think I don't appreciate that? I'm well aware it's acceptable practice for bunches of people in this country - and I think it's bad manners.

Some people pick their nose in the street etc.

@MiddleParking

That different groups have different mores (which just means customs) is a no brainer. One doesn't have to find them all acceptable.

Extreme example - some US states have the death penalty. I accept that it's acceptable to them but its unacceptable to me.

My feeling is that if you're inviting people to a party/ wedding, then you would pay for this. Bad form to not do.
If guests need to pay AFTER the tab has run out, then that's fair enough but bit cheeky to expect people to contribute up front initially for your minimum spend.

[quote PopcornAndWine]@MiddleParking oh totally screwy. As well as rude, grasping, tacky and a bad hostess of course [/quote]
Wait there, it’s about ‘manners’ now apparently. Guess we should be taking lessons from the well-mannered people who go about saying well-mannered things like “And [sic] you drunk or just batty?” to those they disagree with.

Why don’t you hire a space at a cheaper London venue, and provide more hospitality for your guests?

I don’t have any issue with your two weddings, but choosing to have a party at a fancy venue and then trying to avoid paying for it does feel a bit grubby. Especially so if you’re spending big dollar on your overseas wedding, but can’t stump up a few drinks for your friends back home.

If you don’t have the money to do it in a fancy hotel, then do it in a Wetherspoons/Drake & Morgan etc. - don’t make your guests subsidise your aspirations.

[quote TatianaBis]@MiddleParking

That different groups have different mores (which just means customs) is a no brainer. One doesn't have to find them all acceptable.

Extreme example - some US states have the death penalty. I accept that it's acceptable to them but its unacceptable to me.[/quote]
Yikes. When you said I took the prize for screwiest poster I didn’t realise you actually saw it as a competition.

You're back are you - the 'inconsistency' that wasn't. Oh look a squirrel.

I just can't see how it's bad manners if it's totally acceptable and expected for the vast majority of people in your social circle. I can quite see that if I was getting married in the US I would have to suck it up and provide a free bar as that is the norm. But not in the UK or Ireland.

@lenovowarrior

Why is it different people at both?

Surely if you’re close enough to want someone at your small intimate wedding day, they’d feel close enough to you to travel abroad for the party?

I think most people that do it this way just go for a small dinner with immediate family.

Hurray! A MN thread bickering about party plans!! Hurray that the end of lockdown is in sight.

@Groovybiscuits wonderful point!

@TatianaBis

You're back are you - the 'inconsistency' that wasn't. Oh look a squirrel.

With witty repartee like that I can see why you took a general post about people that are low on social invitations as a personal slight.

I’ve not read whole thread so kill me now and ignore if what I say is off but

£1500 is the min spend. You can afford this but it will reduce immediately available funds for wedding abroad and/or put dent in savings?

I would just swallow this in your situation. I scrimped on a few things at my wedding over a few hundred pounds and have always regretted that. A few hundred pounds can be recouped if you’re both working and have decent jobs.

So, I would commit to going ahead knowing that that might be my maximum outlay.

But, I would also not expect to pay for all food and all drinks for everyone all night in your situ. So I would agree with the venue up front what the food costs are and how much of a free bar you want to offer with a commitment to them that you will make up any shortfall between that amount and what your guests spend on the night.

Hope that makes sense!!

Apologies if I've misunderstood, but am I right in thinking that each guest would need to spend £30 to make up the total minimum spend?

If so, you'd make a loss with us or we'd have to decline. Wouldn't mind a non-funded bar at all, in fact I've had to pay for drinks at every wedding I've attended and never minded. But we aren't big drinkers so would definitely not be spending anywhere near £30 each on soft drinks and maybe a few alcoholic ones, especially if we'd already had a few before the tab ran out.

Maybe if it was a meal and drinks we'd spend that, but otherwise no.

Alternate Mumsnet world! I have never EVER had to buy a drink at a wedding and I've been to masses. I think it's off not to at least cover the minimum spend. If people want to drink more when that's run out and you think that's acceptable then I guess it's ok. I would be pretty shocked though, although I wouldn't say anything and would crack on.

@PopcornAndWine

I understand you don't get it. And I cba to spend more time on this.

Suffice to say - you assume what your circles do is the 'norm'. I could say the same for mine. I don't find the UK any different from the US on this. Without a national questionnaire - it's hard to say which is the majority.

Why is everyone here so worked up over the wedding abroad being "fake"? I have been to several friends' weddings where they had a private registry wedding (usually when there were timing constraints on getting legally married for some reason) followed by a large wedding (with ceremony and vows, in many cases a religious officiant) at a later date. I never felt the larger wedding was "fake".

I don't think that's rude or out of of the ordinary.

Also, a few drinks in the City would quickly add up to £30 per person.

Anything else is highly irrelevant for your question. Not sure where people got the entry free from...

I can remember the weddings I've been to and which had a free bar and which a paid bar. So firstly, I always think of the friends with a paid bar as frankly , a bit tight. I can also remember standing around waiting to be served as so much more time is taken up with payments, while weddings with free bars just had a far more fun, jubilant, relaxed, celebratory mood.

Your reasons for not shelling out are ridiculous- we'd ALL like more in savings, but if you're getting married and want guests to come along and celebrate with you (which will always already come at an expense to them) so just dip into your pocket and provide some drinks!
I have NEVER looked back at our wedding and wished we'd saved on having a free bar.

These threads always puzzle me. People who have "never" had to buy a drink at a wedding and vice versa?

For me it's a real mixture. Food is usually provided and almost always drinks for a toast but other than that it varies between buy all your own at the bar, some money behind the bar until it runs out and wine at the table but other drink paid for.

Is it a class thing? A cultural thing? That so many people seem to have only ever been to one sort of wedding?

In my circles, a partial pay bar is a way of keeping things under control. People go stupid when the drinks are completely free

You’ll have no problem getting over the threshold but as long as you’re prepared to cover any shortfall it will be fine.

I did something similar for DH’s 30th. Paid for a very cool venue, there was a minimum spend on the bar and i would have covered if we hadn’t met it but spending a grand on a bar between 30 plus people really isn’t that tricky to be honest! Especially if they’re buying cocktails.

I think people fully expect to buy their own drinks at weddings in the U.K. - at ours there was half a bottle of wine each with the meal and a glass of champagne but then people bought their own drinks. I’ve never been to a wedding with an open bar but I know in the US it’s very frowned upon to have a cash bar

Given death tolls, redundancies, family bereavements, lingering health conditions etc I can clearly see why having the wedding you want funded by others is more important than having one you can afford and it being about your relationship.
Definitely.
Your priorities are excellent and are to be commended.

I would vaguely budget for the whole amount, but with the view that I very much doubt you'll pay even half of that, guests may not spend £30 each, but you'll get some big spenders, some soft drink spenders and some generous "rounds" being bought. Even if everyone doesn't hit the "target" there will be people buying drinks which will offset your costs a lot.