people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

EW, sharing platters, lots of hands on food.

@peardrops1

This thread has been absolutely bonkers! I've enjoyed it, but I feel sorry for the OP, who asked a reasonable question, unaware that all the lunatics of MN were about to come out of the woodwork and have a nervous breakdown over it.

😂 This tickled me

Invite me, I would put away about £300 of drink before the food comes out the way I feel now.

OP, if the venue charges £30 for a bottle of wine, will your friends drink the couple of drinks you’re providing and then a bottle of wine, each? Or, 4 beers? If I were at an informal wedding party, I probably would drink that. But it’s quite a lot of booze, so if your friends are more moderate....

If you’re doing £15 of canapé and £15 of booze after work, people are going to be totally wasted (and starving) if they drink another 8-10 units afterwards. I’d probably try and provide more canapé type food to keep that going throughout more of the evening.

At those bar prices and assuming a couple share a bottle of wine/ prosecco or two couples get together and have a bottle of wine and a few beers you probably wouldn't hit your target.

People may well be wary of canapés and sharing platters. So if that is the food on offer they may not be drinking as much.

If you are expecting oeople to come straight from work to spend the evening with you, they presumably will need something reasonably substantial to eat to keep them going through the party. Would the venue do bar snacks that people could buy? That would be another way of getting to your total.

Have you sat down and worked out how much you can provide for your money? A champagne toast alone will set you back about £400. If it was just a drinks and nibbles thing after work, personally I’d be likely to spend a couple of hours there before going in search of food. So I might buy a couple of glasses of wine. Does everyone know each other? If it’s multiple different groups of friends I’m not sure how much socialising will go in if it’s a stand around drinks thing. If it’s one big group of closer friends then more likely people will stay around chatting and spending more. Will all your friends be drinking? Those on soft drinks are likely to spend less than £10. I don’t think there’s a problem with having a fixed budget but I think your format of work night, no entertainment and not much food will mean people will stay a limited amount of time. I also think you have to plan that not everyone will turn up. You may end up with just the closest ones sticking around and they are going to your other wedding anyway. It all depends on your friends though, you’re the best person to judge

I think after a couple of free drinks it's very unlikely people wil spend 30 quid on booze per head - more like 15 if drinks are expensive and some won't drink alcohol.

I personally feel that as this is your only real wedding you shld cough up. - Or just accept you will pay for whatever is left when people have bought a few drinks .You don't want to be stressing that people haven't spent their 30 quid.

Could you put food on and pre pay for one drink for everyone and then if drinks bought doesnt top up to 1500pay the difference at the end of the night?

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are proposing for the evening in London, providing you are prepared to make up any shortfall.

I would spend a decent amount on nice canapes and keep them coming out steadily through the evening. Then provide a glass of champagne or a suitable cocktail on arrival. Give some thought to how you put money behind the bar, you want to make sure everyone gets a couple of free drinks rather than the early arrivals get loads and later people get nothing. Some people really take the piss out of free bars.

Maybe don't put any money behind the bar but spend money buying enough champagne/wine for the staff to keep topping up and have people buy beer/spirits/cocktails/other drinks at the bar.

Lots of events use vouchers or tokens so everyone gets say 3 drinks but that could easily look tight at a wedding. Perhaps you could do say a cocktail upon arrival then a glass of champagne for a toast an hour or so later then a different cocktail a bit later and the bar is paid throughout.

I'd suggest that you invite more than 25 people as a £30 per person spend on top of a few free drinks is quite high plus some won't come. At the end of the day though if you are prepared to make up the extra there's no problem.

@Wondergirl100

You clearly how no understanding of how these sorts of nights work out, especially in the big drinking London city culture. It’s not a few drinks home sort of thing. It’s drink until the bar closes. If you have to send and £100 then that’s fine. I’ve had many many many after work drinks where none of the drinks were free and I’ve spent way more than £15. Once people start drinking in a celebration they don’t stop when the bar tab stops. Well everyone’s different I suppose but it doesn’t sound like the Ops group will stop when the tab stops.

Different groups do have different social mores, don’t they. Surprising but nice to see you’ve had a complete change of heart overnight @TatianaBis

@MiddleParking

Different groups do have different social mores, don’t they. Surprising but nice to see you’ve had a complete change of heart overnight *@TatianaBis*

Eh? Perhaps you've misread my posts.

I haven’t, but thanks!

If you think I've had a 'change of heart' then clearly you have.

@TatianaBis

If you think I've had a 'change of heart' then clearly you have.

Don’t worry, it’ll click one day.

This thread has certainly brought out some weird posters.

You & HandbagHeels take the prize for the screwiest of the lot.

‘Screwy’ because you’ve failed to understand a glaring inconsistency in your own argument? I can live with that

Nothing wrong with having two celebrations of your marriage when there are large number of close friends and family in both locations.

Paying for the first drink or two is completely normal at these celebrations and fancy hotel prices are high so £30 a head on drinks won't go far. It all really depends on your guests it you will get an average £30/head. In my younger years we would have had a bottle of vodka in our handbags if it was a fancy place as the prices were too high (classy 🤣), I guess this is why fancy hotels have these minimum spends type packages now. It is a risk you take if you agree to a minimum spend you might have a bill after.

It sounds like you can afford the extra £750 for drinks, and in the grand scheme of the rest of the money you are spending on all things wedding, it's nothing.

If I were you I would just pay it on behalf of my guests, and forget about potentially annoying some of your guests for the small amount of money involved.

@MiddleParking

‘Screwy’ because you’ve failed to understand a glaring inconsistency in your own argument? I can live with that

Oh do tell I'm so excited.

@TatianaBis - you pointed out that free bars are completely the norm in many countries/cultures/social circles and accused others of failing to appreciate this. Fair enough, I have probably been guilty of that myself.

But you can't seem to appreciate that for vast numbers of people and whole sections of society, cash bars at the end of the night are totally acceptable, completely normal and guests wouldn't bat an eyelid. And accused couples of having cash bars of being grabby and tacky and bad hosts.

Can't you see the inconsistency?

Well, you see, last night you posted multiple times about how unacceptable paid bars are, and this morning you’re replying to a post of mine pointing out to me that different groups have different social mores. Working on the assumption that nobody could be dim enough to contradict themselves to that extent and then double down on it, I read it that you had had a sudden opening of the mind overnight. Touching really.

I think it all sounds lovely, congratulations I hope you have a great time.

I think you are going to have to budget for the £1500 in your head though and accept that you might have to pay it. Otherwise you’ll spend the whole time stressing if people have spent enough and that’s not good fun! In all likelihood you may find people pay and you were worried over nothing but if for some unforeseen reason, it could be absolutely anything, that your guests don’t drink enough you need to accept that. If you don’t feel happy with that risk then I’d pick something else.

[quote PopcornAndWine]@TatianaBis - you pointed out that free bars are completely the norm in many countries/cultures/social circles and accused others of failing to appreciate this. Fair enough, I have probably been guilty of that myself.

But you can't seem to appreciate that for vast numbers of people and whole sections of society, cash bars at the end of the night are totally acceptable, completely normal and guests wouldn't bat an eyelid. And accused couples of having cash bars of being grabby and tacky and bad hosts.

Can't you see the inconsistency? [/quote]
Another ‘screwy poster’ joining the ranks. At least we know we’ll all get our round in

I wouldn't expect to pay for my food at a wedding but definitely expect to pay for drinks. I've only ever been to one wedding where all drinks were included and tbh people were vile with it, taking the absolute piss, ordering far more than they usually would, getting drunker than they usually would, discarding and wasting drinks willy nilly and generally acting like children from a sugar free household getting near sweets for the first time.