people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I'm not sure if I'm interpreting this right, but it's sounding as if the people going to the ceremony abroad get the big fully paid-for party, and because that is taking most of your money the people going to the register office do get the second-class party where they have to buy their drinks. If that's correct, it sounds like you have first- and second-class guests, and I wouldn't be too impressed at being in the second class.

My own thoughts would be

What night of the week is it?
Will the manager be giving you a running commentary on spend? Will this impact on your enjoyment of the event?
Will people's drinking habits changed during lockdown?
After so long of not eating out will people be more interested in food they haven't cooked themselves than drinking?
After so long without social contact will people be more focused on talking rather than drinking?
Do you know what prices will be charged for drinks? Will people out of the habit of paying London bar prices still be prepared to spend as much on drinks?

[quote RebeccaSterling]@Hollywoodzc American here. Open bars at weddings happen here sometimes, but they are certainly not the norm. I've never been to one myself.[/quote]
That's a bit odd. I'm also an American and I've never been to a wedding where drinks were charged for. Perhaps it varies regionally. I'm in New York.

How can you have a 'main wedding' when you are already going to be married at that point ? It's not even a wedding just an expensive holiday with you expecting people to give up annual leave and spend £££ to attend ?

I'd do a drink on arrival and spend the rest on food. Everyone buys their own drinks, and I'd top up to the £1500 at the end if needed. Presumably more people means more presents if you're feeling mercenary and want to offset it in your head like that.

@peardrops1. Absolutely. You just know that these people slating her for having a paid bar at a wedding are so unlikeable that they are rarely invited to social events. Or they’re basing their wedding experience on their own wedding in a church hall in 1989.

I think I'll explain for those in the thread that didn't read properly.

Wedding abroad was planned. I am not British. Hence, abroad with family. However, because of COVID we could not go to the country to meet the minimum requirements to legally get married in my family church. They instead agreed a blessing as everything else was paid for and planned.

Everyone is aware of this.

The wedding in London is purely for legal purposes and we didn't plan to make it a 'thing'. But with COVID, people have been sad, depressed, etc. so we thought, why not have a few drinks and some food after? We don't want it to be an event as such, more like when you meet up with friends for birthday drinks. We will cover all food (however much it costs) and at least a couple of drinks. No sit down meal style thing. No toasts, no formalities.

If we were to choose the venue I mentioned, then I was asking the likelihood people would spend around £20-30 on drinks themselves. We are trying to budget to know what is likely to be spent. There is no point going there if people wouldn't meet the minimum regardless of if they were paying.

I have been to weddings where I have paid for my drinks and that have been all inclusive.

Costs at the bar are £40 for prosecco, £80 for champagne, £30 for a bottle of white, £6.50 a beer.

I don't think my wedding plans of having two are tacky. If anyone bothered reading my updates where I explain (which was irrelevant at the beginning hence why I didn't go into detail) the only people invited abroad and to London are our parents, the best man and 2 bridesmaids. London would be an opportunity to involve more work friends and extended family. Most people live in London so it is not a cost for them to come out. Most people are young and would be in the pub anyway.

I cannot cancel abroad or my family wouldn't see me. A lot are older so cannot travel, covid or not. Every penny bar flights is paid for by us abroad - accommodation for the weekend, all food, all drink.

I’d hunt for a different venue and meet the cost myself or cut corners elsewhere. People probably would pay, but it seems a bit mean to me.

[quote BasinHaircut]@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I also don't see why people are getting at you about your overseas wedding. Not my thing, but I've been to a couple (and forced my ILs to come to mine, as they're Australian and had to fly in to the UK) - but I've been to a few Indian weddings in the UK where the "fake" wedding is the huge party, but they've had to do a legal registry office marriage ceremony as well because their big one didn't count. Perhaps people whinging about your overseas wedding would like to tell those Indian people that their big "fake" wedding is unnecessary too?

I think that’s a little bit different. The ‘fake’ or non-legally binding bit in these Indian weddings you speak of, in their religion/culture is the real wedding.

This is not the same as a 5* resort wedding with (presumably) a non-religious officiant and without all of the things that a steeped in history and imbedded in culture that happen at and in the days leading up to an Indian wedding.

Silly comment.[/quote]
I am Indian. Thank you for cottoning on. I did not want to go into detail or be too outing but whatever.

The country we are getting married in is where my heritage is from (not India itself) as it was a colonizing power.

@Biker47

YABU, I wouldn't expect to essentially pay an entrance fee to a wedding. I would expect to pay for my own drinks, and have always done so at every wedding I've ever been to, including my own.

ugh read the thread...

I am not asking for an entrance fee. Your second sentence means IANBU!

@MiddleParking

I absolutely love on MN wedding threads when people whose faces you know are like bulldogs chewing wasps post, “I’ve never been to a wedding with a paid bar,” hoping that we’ll all mistakenly infer, “I move in wealthy circles” rather than the accurate “I’m generally low on invitations to weddings, and social occasions of any kind”.

What a weird little post.

Is it really so hard for you to grasp that different social groups have different mores from yours? That they’re not chewing wasps or short of friends?

@ElizaLaLa describes herself as working class, how does that fit?

In France and Italy weddings from any social background charging for alcohol would be an anathema.

Provided you're happy to pick up the rest of the tab at the end of the evening if they don't spend £30 a head I can't see why it would be a problem. Slightly underhanded but no worse than the couples who try to make every one stay overnight at the venue to make back some of the cost.

Xpost with OP.

Two wedding parties is fine - it’s very common these days when so many people have family abroad - it really doesn’t need explaining.

In France you have to have a civil ceremony first if you’re having a religious ceremony - and no-one thinks the latter is a fake wedding

But if you can’t afford to fund your friends at this fancy hotel, why not just go somewhere cheaper?

@Chocolo

Why would you expect people to bother taking time off work, organising child care, paying for flights and accommodation (with the added risk of pandemic) to go to a wedding when you’re already married?

We did that 20 years ago - we requested no gifts - just come to the party and 200 people showed up - at least half flying and staying in Hotels.

@TatianaBis - the name calling has been going both ways on this thread. The anti cash bar camp have been calling others tacky, cheap, bad hosts etc...

Oh how i wish people would read before just jumping into the mn ‘abroad weddings are tacky and a pisstake’ script

So many posts to choose from but i’ll break this one down

I think the issue here is OP has booked a five star show wedding abroad

No, pre covid, op booked a wedding in the country where she is from. Due to covid they now cannot meet the residence requirements in order for this to be legally binding. So they are getting legally married in the uk beforehand.

and is then expecting the same individuals to attend a real wedding and reception before hand.

No, op and groom’s parents, bridesmaids and best man are the only people going to both. That’s, what, 7 people? I think there will probably be more than 7 people plus bride and groom at the london do, otherwise they’ll all be in hospital with liver failure if they manage to drink £1500 of booze.

Then go on a holiday (show wedding). Then go on a honeymoon.

No, after getting legally married in the uk they are travelling to op’s home country for a culturally appropriate blessing with op’s family from that country who will not be able to come to the uk, plus the parents, b&g, bridesmaids and best man.

I dont know the scenario of OPs arrangements

Clearly, which is why she has reiterated them several times on the thread but i guess reading is hard.

I do love the self-righteous frothing on here from those who say it's tacky/tasteless to have a cash bar at a wedding.

Just for the record- you don't come across the way you clearly hope you do. You just sound arrogant and unpleasant.

I’m really laughing at people tying themselves in knots over this.
It really is not a problem.
This is not a wedding in a venue where people are traveling, staying over, buying presents and new outfits unless they want to.
It’s a party in a bar to celebrate a marriage and the (hopeful) end of a shitty, boring stretch of time.
People will be absolutely fine with buying their own drinks-they’ll be happy you’re providing food and at least one drink to start them off.

@lenovowarrior I had a party in a London bar with a minimum spend of £1500. I think I put £750 behind the bar, provided welcome drinks and food for my guests.
The venue agreed that if I didn’t meet the min. spend I could ‘spend’ it on booze (which I thought was a good deal, maybe you could ask your venue this).
As it was, we smashed through the minimum spend within an hour of my £750 behind the bar finishing!
My party was a Saturday night though (so no-one has work the next day) and the venue was open late.
I’d say don’t worry and enjoy your wedding party.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings.

Enough said. Just pay for your guests if you really want them there.

My best guess is they will feel obliged to give you presents, probably cash, and you'll not be that worse off if at all.
But to have a party to celebrate your wedding and assume the guests will basically have to pay their own way, particularly because it will (good god) impact your honeymoon, IS tacky. Don't be selfish, just adjust your honeymoon. That is what you should do.

I think people may spend £20 a head on average - I'd go in assuming you'll have to top up.

There's self-righteous frothing from the charge-your-mates brigade. Apparently it's 'grabby' to expect hospitality at a social event.

The rise in charging friends seems linked to the fad for expensive dream weddings at stately homes & 5* hotels, with a gazillion bridesmaids that people clearly can't afford. They seem to expect their friends to bankroll it.

It all comes across as rude & entitled, & ironically - 'grabby'.

To @Shodan ^^

Would the £750 be a tab for both food and drink? I think the better plan would be to pre-order loads of sharing platters to come out at regular intervals and people buy their own drinks. Otherwise I think people won't get a fair share of the tab, and those who get there early and make most use of it might just leave when the tab runs out!

You could also put enough behind the bar for one drink each, and put a sign up saying "your first drink is on us!" If there are only 25 people and they are all your friends, I don't think people would abuse this, and would be likely to buy another couple of drinks, meaning you're less likely to be out of pocket!

Despite what others have said, I think most people expect to pay for their own drinks at weddings and parties.

No, pre covid, op booked a wedding in the country where she is from. Due to covid they now cannot meet the residence requirements in order for this to be legally binding. So they are getting legally married in the uk beforehand.

Yes, we know that now - the OP added it in her drip feed.