people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I ran a free bar all night at my wedding and it didn’t come to nearly as much as I thought it would in the end. So you need to prepare for if your guests don’t spend that much on drinks. Likely if it’s a work weekday and they need to get home for childcare etc.

Oh fuck off to all the people who have 'never had to pay a penny' to attend a wedding. And to those moaning about an overseas wedding.

OP it sounds like a lovely idea. I would def expect to pay for my own drinks at a wedding and would be pleasantly surprised if the first few rounds were free. I think you just need to budget a little extra in case each person didnt spend £25 although in london I imagine that will be covered pretty quickly!

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I also don't see why people are getting at you about your overseas wedding. Not my thing, but I've been to a couple (and forced my ILs to come to mine, as they're Australian and had to fly in to the UK) - but I've been to a few Indian weddings in the UK where the "fake" wedding is the huge party, but they've had to do a legal registry office marriage ceremony as well because their big one didn't count. Perhaps people whinging about your overseas wedding would like to tell those Indian people that their big "fake" wedding is unnecessary too?

I think that’s a little bit different. The ‘fake’ or non-legally binding bit in these Indian weddings you speak of, in their religion/culture is the real wedding.

This is not the same as a 5* resort wedding with (presumably) a non-religious officiant and without all of the things that a steeped in history and imbedded in culture that happen at and in the days leading up to an Indian wedding.

Silly comment.

MN posters love to miss the point. It is really bizarre that they keep raising the 'issue' of your two weddings and expecting guests to travel for a fake wedding when it's completely irrelevant.

Anyway your plans for after the legal ceremony sound lovely. I don't know your friends but if they are anything like mine (even moreso at that age) that minimum spend will be done in the first hour. One suggestion i agreed with was to put more of your money into food. I'd probably use the alcohol budget on champagne or wine instead of the bar tab suddenly closing. And on the off chance it doesn't get reached bring wine home for yourselves.

But the issue with topping up at the end is that if it’s likely the OP will have to do it, then she may as well budget for it from the start and get a bigger round of fizz for the toast or a couple of dessert platters for the buffet- rather than wait until the end and hand it over for “nothing”

Unless it’s a completely free bar, most people will probably drink roughly the same amount however much is covered by the OP - so any extra spent on drink by the OP will offset what the guests would otherwise have paid. They are however very unlikely to spend on food.

So yes, it makes sense to go all-out on food, but spending more on drinks is likely to end up with the same sized shortfall at the end of the evening, only the OP has spent even more money.

YABU. Bad form, this, expecting guests to pay for the privilege to attend one's wedding.

YABU, I wouldn't expect to essentially pay an entrance fee to a wedding. I would expect to pay for my own drinks, and have always done so at every wedding I've ever been to, including my own.

@MiddleParking I wasn’t trying to imply that I move in wealthy circles by stating that none of the weddings I have attended had a pay bar. My friends and family come from a wide range of backgrounds. Everyone I know chose a DIY venue for their wedding so they bought alcohol in bulk. Some wedding were in large country houses, some barns, some marquees, some church halls but no hotel package weddings where it would have been extortionate to have an open bar.

but probably would probably would try have champagne/wine/beer for people as they arrive rather than a tab, that way it's not as though the money suddenly runs out, bar drinks will always have been paid for and there's no odd cut off time when one person gets a free drink and the person beside them has to pay.

Definitely, definitely this. A limited bar tab has potential to appear stingy whereas drinks on arrival + paid bar means there’s never any expectation of free bar drinks and then the ‘money running out’.

Wow, you’re really getting a hard time here op. At most weddings these days people expect to pay towards their drinks I think. I’m quite old so don’t get to go to many weddings these days. The last as my niece. Sit down meal, wine included, champagne for toasts, two free drinks at the bar and after that guests paid for anything else. Personally I think it’s a good idea to have a limit on the free drinks as some people just don’t know when to stop when it’s free. It only takes one person to get carried away and ruin the party.

As to whether people will stay and spend £25, I’m not sure. At a guess I’d say some will and some won’t. It partly depends on the day of the week and whether they’ve got to go to work the next day. Also, is the first wedding (you say you’ll be wearing a white dress) going to take the shine of the MW for you?

Personally, I’d get married and take your witnesses out for a lovely dinner. Then I’d have the MW abroad. Then after the honeymoon, I’d have a party for the rest of my friends to celebrate.

All those talking about a ‘fake’ wedding are being really nasty I think. Should no-one in France or Germany have a church wedding because it’s the law that they need to have a civil wedding first?

Only on mumsnet could you ask about budgeting for drinks at your wedding and end up with people telling you to cancel your ‘tacky fake wedding’ abroad that you didn’t even ask about! I do wonder whether these people are this mean to friends and family in real life that have made similar choices to you, or whether they just reserve it forever strangers on the internet.

You’re clearly not charging an ‘entry fee’ despite what some here seem to think, you’re having a paid bar after a certain point which is completely normal for any wedding I’ve been to!

My ‘big’ wedding got scrapped and re-planned as a tiny event due to COVID but we actually were going to have a free bar there all night, just because of the way the venue worked. It would have been easier for us to just supply all drinks than to sort out a licence and hire in staff for a paid bar. Every single person I mentioned this too was really, really surprised and said ‘are you sure??’ because weddings with open bars in this country are really rare (don’t think I’ve ever actually been to one and I’ve been to dozens of weddings!) despite what people on MN say!

Everything at a wedding should be free for guests. You need to have the wedding (or weddings!) you can afford. Guests should not pay for anything when they attend a wedding, you might as well sell tickets if you are asking guests to pay!

Oh and I had a 30th birthday party with very similar numbers and minimum spend to yours, and I was also expecting to have to ‘top up’ to reach the minimum spend, but actually it only took a few generous guests buying a round of shots or a couple of bottles of champagne for us to reach it!

I think you should hire the space but take the risk that you may have to stump up the rest.

From what you've said it's highly likely that people will order enough to cover the remaining £750 that is required but I wouldn't ask them to - I wouldn't even mention it to the guests at all.

But be prepared if in the unlikely event people stop drinking after the first £750 that you'll need to contribute.

I do agree with other posters that you should never ask people to pay at a wedding I just don't like it. At all.

I also agree with a previous poster about having drinks on arrival instead of a tab. Once those arrival drinks are gone people would expect to pay the rest themselves and I am confident that they will top up what is required when that happens

This thread has been absolutely bonkers! I've enjoyed it, but I feel sorry for the OP, who asked a reasonable question, unaware that all the lunatics of MN were about to come out of the woodwork and have a nervous breakdown over it.

It's a tough one and I see your dilemma, particularly in the scenario where you end up topping up to the £1,500 and effectively paying for nothing.

I think my concern would be the small number of guests over which the £750 needs to be covered. If a handful aren't drinking for whatever reason, or have to leave early, it quickly becomes quite a large amount that other guests will have to cover if possible. I go out in London regularly so I know the cost of drinks, but there's usually quite a discrepancy in how my friends drink/spend.

It may not be an option but I think I'd see if you can find an alternative venue with a lower minimum spend. I'd be confident that £1,000 would be covered without too much problem.

*how much my friends drink

@yomommasmomma

Everything at a wedding should be free for guests. You need to have the wedding (or weddings!) you can afford. Guests should not pay for anything when they attend a wedding, you might as well sell tickets if you are asking guests to pay!

I agree.

Given that only the two witnesses are seeing the actual marriage take place, all the guests in this instance are paying with their time and costs to attend a party in reality as the couple will already be married.

Has nobody read the bit where she said the abroad wedding is her going home to get married?

It's not a bloody show wedding it's her saying her vows in front of family!

Op it's totally fine most people don't expect to have free drinks all night but £1500 is a lot of food & drink for 30 people, like you said it if it's not all drank it's sunk money. It depends how much you like the venue to wether it will be worth it if you have to top up.

@Darkbrownistheriver

All those talking about a ‘fake’ wedding are being really nasty I think. Should no-one in France or Germany have a church wedding because it’s the law that they need to have a civil wedding first?

Again, there is a difference between having to have a separate legal marriage ceremony to a wedding performed for cultural/religious purposes, where the marriage being recognised in religion is just as important as the legal bit in those cultures.

That is not the same as having a legally binding ceremony and a wedding reception with one set of guests, then another non-religious, non legally binding ceremony at a later date with a completely different set of guests.

To have to do the legal bit before the main event is neither here nor there - there are loads of scenarios where that is necessary. However, if you turn that legal bit into a separate but complete ‘wedding’, then you render the second event pointless no?

In regards to the OPs scenario, I would say don’t have the London drinks at all because you are de-valuing what you want to be your actual wedding.

Choose 2 witnesses and then just take them for dinner after (at your expense). If you want a wedding in London so you are inclusive of people who won’t travel abroad then have your wedding in London or have a party when you return and after your ‘main wedding’.

I think it sounds great. You are providing the food and a toast. Then guests will buy their own drinks. I think they will easily spend enough. It's perfectly normal to buy drinks at the bar at a wedding. I think a little "party" to celebrate your wedding day will be really appreciated by your friends and then you can say your vows with your family at the ceremonial wedding. Lovely

@Piglet208

I think it sounds great. You are providing the food and a toast. Then guests will buy their own drinks. I think they will easily spend enough. It's perfectly normal to buy drinks at the bar at a wedding. I think a little "party" to celebrate your wedding day will be really appreciated by your friends and then you can say your vows with your family at the ceremonial wedding. Lovely

Apparently it's canapes, not food.

To have to do the legal bit before the main event is neither here nor there - there are loads of scenarios where that is necessary. However, if you turn that legal bit into a separate but complete ‘wedding’, then you render the second event pointless no?

Says who? Why can’t the OP celebrate twice if that’s what she and her partner want? After the year we’ve all had I’d take any excuse for a party!