people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

A free bar is a US tradition, not a British one.

I’d be very surprised to find an event had a free bar and having seen the consequences of a free bar at a work event once, I’d be worried about the aftermath.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5 hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding*

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings

Sheer greed.

Almost every wedding I've been to (including ours), which is lots over the years, was initially some free drinks (drink on arrival, wine with meal, some free drinks from bar) then later on you start paying from the bar. The only one I remember which was free all night was carnage because some people inevitably take the piss (even people you might not expect) and drink more than they would normally. An experienced wedding planner (from our venue) actually recommended to us we DIDN'T have a free bar for this reason (and they would have made more money if we did so it was genuine advice). In a London cocktail bar, you'd spend £30 on one round of drinks surely? Assuming people are going to be buying drinks for friends too. Nobody just buys a drink for themself do they?

@Hollywoodzc American here. Open bars at weddings happen here sometimes, but they are certainly not the norm. I've never been to one myself.

I don't understand how this would work. Are you going to tell your guests in advance that you're only stumping up half and they are expected to eat and drink enough to cover the other half? Or are you just going to assume that they will order enough to cover it? If they don't are you going to start poking and prodding them subtly, asking them to buy more drinks?

There is nothing wrong with only putting £750 behind the bar and after that it's cash bar. It's in quite poor taste IMO to then expect your guests to cover the rest of the bill after that! But only you know your guests, they might think it's fine.

I would expect to pay for my drinks and me and DH would definitely spend the extra £30pp on alcohol, especially at London prices (I'm assuming that £30 would barely cover a bottle of wine?).

Also pre babies we definitely would have jumped at the chance to attend the holiday wedding, like you say your friends have. Especially now when everyone has been stuck at home!

I think you know your friends best so make your decision on that (the general MN opinion is v diff to my circle of friends re weddings). Obviously there's a chance you may have to cough up a little extra at the end but as you've said you can technically afford it so go for it!

The problem with anything wedding-related on MN is that too may posters think that THEIR way is the only right way.

In my cohort of friends who've got married (mostly in the 1990s and 2000s), I've only been to ONE wedding that was a free bar. . It was a hugely extravagant wedding, cost I don't know how much, with 300 guests. It was a fucking mess with all the drunks towards the end!

Nearly all the weddings I've been to have had free wine on the table, a free glass of bubbly at the start and another for toasts, and then a pay bar. This is also what we had at our wedding - and guess what! No one whinged because it's NORMAL in our group of friends and family.

I've been to birthday parties at restaurants/clubs in London where I expected to pay my way, only to have the host pay for everyone, which I actually was a little embarrassed by, because even though it was their party, I still expected to pay for at least my own drinks!

I don't see a problem with your plan, @lenovowarrior - you might just have to top up at the end if people don't drink as much as you need them to. However, given that it will be a HUGE relief for some people to just be able to meet up for an event after work, I don't think you'll have too much trouble!

I also don't see why people are getting at you about your overseas wedding. Not my thing, but I've been to a couple (and forced my ILs to come to mine, as they're Australian and had to fly in to the UK) - but I've been to a few Indian weddings in the UK where the "fake" wedding is the huge party, but they've had to do a legal registry office marriage ceremony as well because their big one didn't count. Perhaps people whinging about your overseas wedding would like to tell those Indian people that their big "fake" wedding is unnecessary too?

I hope your wedding is able to go ahead as you've planned, and that you and your friends and family have a great time.

But the issue with topping up at the end is that if it’s likely the OP will have to do it, then she may as well budget for it from the start and get a bigger round of fizz for the toast or a couple of dessert platters for the buffet- rather than wait until the end and hand it over for “nothing”.

Also, she’s said she wants to spend £750 in total on food and drink. Not buy everybody’s meals and then put £750 behind the bar.

Food is expensive, and even the whole £750 wouldn’t actually get you that much in a function room in London. But you can’t invite people to an event straight after work and expect them to drink cocktails all night with just a ham sandwich and a teaspoon of hummus to tide them over.

If the OP wants this to be a good night, then she’s going to need to put her hand a bit deeper in her pocket and pay to look after her guests.

Working class London. You don't invite people and expect them to shell out in any way whatsoever. It's rude. If you are hosting, you host.

That was in response to PopcornandWine: This! MN is like a parallel universe for weddings. I do wonder where all these people that expect a totally free bar all night are from? Maybe not UK or Ireland as I have never been to a single wedding in either country where this has been the case. And as for the person who said they would expect accommodation to be paid for in most cases too..

I too have never been to a wedding or party where there was a free bar. Maybe a bottle of wine on the table, but that's all. Seems perfectly normal to me that if you go to an event, you buy your own drinks.

Tacky.

@ElizaLaLa

Working class London. You don't invite people and expect them to shell out in any way whatsoever. It's rude. If you are hosting, you host.

I agree.

And then go abroad for the encore? Again at expense to your family and friends?

[quote RebeccaSterling]@Hollywoodzc American here. Open bars at weddings happen here sometimes, but they are certainly not the norm. I've never been to one myself.[/quote]
I'm working class American and I've never attended a wedding in my 57 years that had a pay bar. We would be mortified to charge our invited guests for hospitality.

People will probably give you wedding gifts & you're expecting them to subsidise your reception? Very tacky. Just switch to a cheaper venue or a restaurant with a set menu. If you don't want to pay for your own reception then don't have one, extremely bad form to expect your guests to pay.

Indian/Chinese restaurants offer good value for a large gathering. Don't say it's for a wedding, just a family gathering otherwise the prices will double. Some largeer restaurants have private dining areas.

I wonder how much of what you are spending is food and how much is booze? That will affect how much people are likely to spend on alcohol. Even so I would imagine as a group you will easily spend enough. £60 a head canapes and cocktails isn't a lot, your group should really cover that - which I think is your main concern - is it actually worth it.

(I'm guessing at drinks prices which I was shocked by last time I was out for cocktails - I don't go out to fancy places much!)

I'd be tempted to make sure there are plenty of canapes, people will appreciate that.

I can't imagine when I was in my 20/30s working in London with reasonable disposable income minding at all that I'm buying my own drinks. It was definitely the norm.

Even quite fancy weddings I recall champagne on arrival and wine at tables but otherwise you bought your own drinks.

I am sure your friends are looking forward to a fun plan given the past year. How lovely to have made some close friendships over zoom.

I absolutely love on MN wedding threads when people whose faces you know are like bulldogs chewing wasps post, “I’ve never been to a wedding with a paid bar,” hoping that we’ll all mistakenly infer, “I move in wealthy circles” rather than the accurate “I’m generally low on invitations to weddings, and social occasions of any kind”.

OP this is absolutely fine.

In the real word people are happy to celebrate with you (and if they’re not, they won’t come) and will easily spend £30 on average each. That’s 2 cocktails.

Hope you enjoy your celebrations

I used to live in London and when anyone had a party the venue would say a min of £1000-£1500 spend. We'd do it easy! It dosent equate to that much PP. Dont say anything to guests there's no point, itl get paid. Especially because drinks in London are so expensive!

I think a paid bar would only be fine if you had laid on a wedding meal, with one or two drinks included for toasting and wine on the table.
If the whole wedding party is only going to be some finger foods and drinks, then it is rude and tacky to expect people to pay for their own drinks. A paid bar is not acceptable in this situation because you are barely doing something to host your guests. If you still want to go ahead with a paid bar, I would as a very bare minimum make sure there is plenty of food, wedding cake, maybe live music or something like that to at least have an indication you are doing something to host your guests.

Could you also consider...

Collect as many of those little bottles of drink, that you get on the plane, as you can.

Charge more for the seats at the front of the church than those at the rear?

Request that they don't throw rice but put a box of that boil in the bag stuff on the table in the church porch?

Don't pay for an expensive choir (no one likes joining in anyway) but get half a dozen local cats and get the verger and five of his friends to squeeze them in sync.

(I'm joking, by the way)

Hope the posters on this thread are not among the guests.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2991753-Smuggling-alcohol-into-a-wedding-reception

I may be mistaken but it’s not £750 behind the bar paid for, but £750 to pay for food and drinks. Therefore, for 25 people, the budget is £30 per person. By the time you’ve taken the food costs out, that doesn’t leave much for the bar tab.

The op is then hoping the guests will spend the same amount of money in booze, to off set the other £750 needed. Whether this is realistic or not, depends on the price of drinks, the amount of people drinking etc, as discussed above.

For sit down meals, I’d expect drinks paid for during the meal, (bottles of wine on table), but extra, or non-wine brought as extra. For buffets, maybe a drink of wine in arrival, and champagne to toast the couple paid for, then you pay the rest. Incidently, just paying for a glass of bubbly each could eat into that £30 budget.

I wouldn’t go if I was told prior that I had to spend £30. I think the op can hope that people spend £30 in booze, but should be willing to pay the difference if there’s a shortfall. That what savings are for.

I haven't voted because neither of the positions in your OP fit my opinion.

Which is - don't stress this. Certainly don't even consider mentioning the minimum spending to any guest. Put the £750 behind the bar and it's ok to let people know that it will become a pay bar once the initial amount runs out (depending on typical prices you can tell them there's enough behind the bar to pay for everyone's first 3-4 drinks for example). What you DON'T tell your guests is that you arrange with the bar that in the event that your guests don't reach the minimum spend, you will make up any shortfall (or just buy a round of tequila slammers 10 minutes before closing so at least you get something back for the extra cash) but the thing is, if you relax, don't worry about it, don't tell the guests about it and focus on a nice party, then the overwhelming likelihood is that people will be enjoying themselves and want to be there and will easily spend well past the minimum as part of having a good time. If on the other hand you are penny-pinching and try to get the guests to pay in advance or commit to the spend themselves, they will vote with their feet and wont stay. So cheer up and relax and everything will be great.

But you are kidding noone but yourself when you refer to the "non legally binding" overseas event with very few guests as the "main wedding". That's a glorified honeymoon with extras. The event which is held on the day (or closest to the day) when the legal bit is done, and that has the most guests, is the "main wedding" in everyone else's eyes. But that's not important. You do you.

Mumsnet is so weird about weddings. OP I think a party where food and a couple of drinks is laid on + a pay bar after is perfectly normal, I wouldn’t expect anything more from any wedding or party I have ever been to (occasionally I have been to fully paid events but I wouldn’t expect it).

My advice would be to put most of the £750 into food, then a couple of glasses of fizz pp. Rest is paid bar. If they serve cocktails, make sure cocktail lists are prominently displayed as people will sink £30 much faster on cocktails - that’s a couple of drinks (vs 4-6 drinks if drinking wine and beer)

Depending how much your friends drink (I’d imagine 25-30 in high paying London jobs, probably a reasonable amount!) I think they would likely spend £30 each on drinks on top of a couple of glasses of fizz,

But I think it would be best to be prepared to fall a little short and include that in your budget (think of it as a venue hire fee) that, if you don’t have to pay would be a nice surprise. If your budget is that tight that a £200 shortfall is going to be a problem I would think again - the last thing you want would be to be spending your wedding party anxiously checking the bar takings.