people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I don't think it's unreasonable, 25 isn't that many so I assume reasonably close friends and family for two of you. I generally expect to pay for some drinks at a wedding and with covid, I'm sure I'd want to hang around after the tab had run out! I don't know if I'd spend another £30 though and what if people decide to move to a different bar/pub?

God there is a bunch of miserable Karen’s on here “I would never expect to pay at a wedding” - weddings were £500 and a pint was 50p when you got married in the 70s love bore off..

I think it’s fine, you’re paying for food and £30 is 3 x G&Ts in central London, if they have any decency they will offer you a drink, add some service charge and that’s your £30 easily gone!

I think it’s fine my only concern would be that I’d be gutted not to be going to your fabulous, fancy abroad soirée!

@caringcarer

Have wedding in London and honeymoon overseas.

That’s essentially what she’s doing.

That doesn't sound mean (would never have a fully paid for bar at a wedding where I am and am assuming you're not telling people they need to spend 30) but probably would probably would try have champagne/wine/beer for people as they arrive rather than a tab, that way it's not as though the money suddenly runs out, bar drinks will always have been paid for and there's no odd cut off time when one person gets a free drink and the person beside them has to pay. And also as long as you are ok to cover any gap on the spend at the end

If I was UK based then I wd much prefer to be invited to ypur UK drinks celebration than be invited to your 'do' in Italy when you were a)already married & b) already had a celebration of your marriage, white dress & all. I wouldn't like to be one of the ones expected to travel abroad & pay for cost of it & accommodation. In fact, I'd be annoyed if I knew about option 1. I'd happily pay £30 rather than £1k+ in flights/accommodation. Can Italy not be your honeymoon & forget the two weddings?

I have never been to a wedding where the guests have to buy their own food or drinks. And I’m not a miserable Karen!! If you can’t afford it do something smaller!

@HauntedPencil

Tbf j think it's more grim that people in here are so rude and snobby they'd only bother to go to a wedding if they had free drinks all night long.

That's way more grim odd and weird!

This! MN is like a parallel universe for weddings. I do wonder where all these people that expect a totally free bar all night are from? Maybe not UK or Ireland as I have never been to a single wedding in either country where this has been the case. And as for the person who said they would expect accommodation to be paid for in most cases too...

Leaving aside the cheap ageist sexism of using the word Karen.
@Acatnamedfox

I have attended a range of weddings throughout the UK, wasn't even born until the mid 70's and have only attended one wedding with a cash bar. I have also attended one dry wedding.

I don't doubt that they happen and I don't have a particular issue with them. But there are still in this day and age plenty of weddings where guests wouldn't be expected to buy their own drinks.

It doesn't mean OP has to do this but surely it is possible to understand that different groups in society organize their weddings differently without resorting to name calling.

‘That’s essentially what she’s doing.’

A honeymoon where your parents are there?

We had a small wedding last year, due to Covid restrictions we could only allow so many at the venue afterwards. We’d already said we’d pay for all of the food but couldn’t stretch to drinks, not an eyelid was batted, everyone was just happy to be there to celebrate and it was wonderful.

Enjoy, OP. I think depending on the price of drinks, which in London will probably be fairly steep, you might just hit the £1500 bill but make allowances for not reaching it. I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time.

I’m having difficulty picturing what it is that you’re actually having. Is it a reception with invitations sent out? Will you have any entertainment? What time will it be, will it be over a meal time? If it’s more informal and there’s no substantial food provided surely people will pop in for one or two say congrats and then go do their own thing? I’ve never had to pay for food at a wedding reception and there’s always at least a welcome drink and toast. I do find the concept of having lots of people celebrate your marriage before your main wedding a bit odd.

@lunarlife you’re right, I apologise the “Karen” was a cheap shot to try and stress my point about people calling the OP cheap and saying they would never attend, I don’t understand that mindset, I don’t think the OP is unfair in expecting (briefing them before) to pay for a few drinks.

She is buying her guests food and drinks she is just asking them to also buy a few of their own.

@Ibizafun

I have never been to a wedding where the guests have to buy their own food or drinks. And I’m not a miserable Karen!! If you can’t afford it do something smaller!

But she is paying for food and some drinks Perfectly normal in weddings I've been to.

I’ve been to plenty of weddings where food was provided but you had to pay for your own drinks. There has been complimentary drinks but then it’s each to their own.

Can you not find a private space in a less fancy hotel that is within your budget?

The thing about London is that there are lots of places, cafes , bars, pubs with rooms, hotels etc , if you look hard enough you will find somewhere that will accommodate you, especially if you choose a weekday evening.

Shamelessly posting from page 8:

It's perfectly reasonable for you to put down $750 for mainly food and some drinks (1-2 drink coupons for each guest, just paying for something to toast with, or coupons plus a free signature drink are all reasonable options to fairly distribute the free booze.) and then top up whatever amount isn't covered afterwards.

If your friends usually spend more than $30 per head on drinks during a night out after work, then I see no reason that would change just because the event is your reception. I don't think people will leave when the free drinks run out. If you want to increase your odds of getting them to spend $30 each, I think paying for food + champagne for toasting is the most effective way to do that.

I think the bigger problem right now is COVID. Will people be comfortable going out at all by then? Will most or all of them be vaccinated by then? If yes, then I think your plan will work just fine. I'm certainly ready to party, but I won't be doing that until everyone I'm partying with has been vaccinated or research indicates that vaccinated people can't spread it.

I'm sorry so many people on here are misreading your post and acting like nutters.

I agree @Acatnamedfox forwarned I don't see most people minding buying a couple of drinks for themselves.

@lunarlife

I agree *@Acatnamedfox* forwarned I don't see most people minding buying a couple of drinks for themselves.

But a couple of drinks won’t cost £30 each.

@lunarlife

Leaving aside the cheap ageist sexism of using the word Karen. *@Acatnamedfox*

I have attended a range of weddings throughout the UK, wasn't even born until the mid 70's and have only attended one wedding with a cash bar. I have also attended one dry wedding.

I don't doubt that they happen and I don't have a particular issue with them. But there are still in this day and age plenty of weddings where guests wouldn't be expected to buy their own drinks.

It doesn't mean OP has to do this but surely it is possible to understand that different groups in society organize their weddings differently without resorting to name calling.

Fair enough that in some cultures/countries/social circles it does appear to be the norm to have a free bar. And that's obviously fine. But those people need to recognise that for large swathes of society it is very much not the norm to have a free bar all night and not call those that expect guests to pay for a few drinks of being 'tacky' or bad hosts.

We paid for a cocktail each at the drinks reception post ceremony, a toast drink and half a bottle of wine per person with the meal. After that guests paid themselves. Our wedding was wonderful and we were great hosts No way would I have left people we wanted to celebrate with off the guest list so we could afford an open bar tab!

Back to the OP - your plan sounds lovely, enjoy!

By the way @lunarlife I know you weren't calling people tacky so that wasn't aimed at you!

I think that you need to compromise. Pay for the food and then have a paying bar ...it is definitely how most people arrange it ..from my experience.

I’m presuming that £750 for 25-30 in a posh London hotel is not going to buy an awful lot in the way of food or drink. I think your problem is that people won’t turn up or will turn up late if you make it too informal. They’ll be caught late at work, they’ll decide they’re tired, they’ll get another offer, they’ll have one then head somewhere cheaper/ more to their taste/ for a sit down meal. I just think you need to make it formal enough that people will see it as an event. Personally I think you’d be better booking a restaurant for 30 (set meal preferably) and pay for that and a few bottles of wine on the table. You can probably get a private funding room for a meal on your budget but not at a posh hotel

PopcornAndWine
For those who think its ridiculous - I can only assume its not that people have to pay at the bar after the served drinks run out. This is quite common in weddings I have been too.

I think the issue here is OP has booked a five star show wedding abroad and is then expecting the same individuals to attend a real wedding and reception before hand. Then go on a holiday (show wedding). Then go on a honeymoon.

I dont know the scenario of OPs arrangements but it is most common for those who have show weddings to expect guests to pay for their own travel, accommodation and meals in what is likely a multi day event.

Of course all this is fine if you can afford it. But it does irk people when they are expected to subsidise someones wedding because they have decided they are the ones who deserve a 5* expensive wedding in the sun.

I would never expect a free bar at a wedding and I’d easily spend £30 on drinks in a few hours! It’s London that’s two cocktails or 2.5 glasses of wine!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! £30 isn’t a lot for a few drinks and a night out. Christ when we are let out in June I’m not gonna eat or drink inside for months!

I think you’re being a bit tight, sorry.

I don’t have problem in theory with the idea of the B&G putting some money behind the bar, and when it’s gone it’s gone. I’ve been to several weddings like that and it’s been fine.

But those weddings always came with a decent amount of food (canapés plus 3 courses and a lot of wine on the table)- and a toast as well.

Only wanting to spend half the costs of food and a reasonable amount of booze is just plain tight if you’re expecting every single one of your guests to match you pound for pound to pay to attend your wedding.

You can afford it. Dust the cobwebs off your wallet and pay for your guests.