people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I have lived in London and fall into the same demographic as your guests. I think it'll be fine. But maybe you will have to foot a bit unless your new zoom pals drink like fish 😜
In your shoes I would get a fair bit of food out of the minimum spend, at least 4-6 canapés each, and maybe half a bottle of wine and a glass of fizz per guest. Then let guests make up the rest. There will probably be a lot of shots!
Fwiw at our wedding we had a free bar all night and many people were very happy to discover this! It only ended up costing a bit over the minimum spend too but people still talk about it being free all night. I hate the bit at the end of the wedding when you are too tipsy to have remembered your purse at the bar and the tab has run out 😂

@PurpleDaisies

£30 is like what 2 maybe 3 cocktails in the city though

That’s four to six cocktails each. I wouldn’t drink that much on a night out. If dh and I were both out together, no way we’d drink the equivalent of £120. Maybe the op’s friends have very different budgets/alcohol tolerances.

Wat?

Where is 120 coming from?

Where is 4 to 6 cocktails each comming from?

Youre looking £12-18 pound a drink so 2 will get you to about your 30 limit.

I don’t think that expecting people to pay for drinks at the ‘evening do’ of a wedding is terribly unusual anymore, regardless of which side of thinking it’s the done thing or not you fall down on.

For me, the issue in this scenario is that whilst again, it’s not unusual that you might have to do the legal bit here if going to have your wedding abroad (again putting aside the fact that for some people it just seems odd), if you have an evening do after the legal bit then that does in fact become your wedding and renders the abroad bit completely redundant.

I just can’t wrap my head around getting legally married and celebrating with local friends and work colleagues and then repeating the process for family at a later date just for show. It just seems to me that it’s your family that will in fact not attend your ‘real’ wedding and if i was going to have 2 weddings, I’d want my family at the real one and celebrate with friends later.

You get free drinks first. The op was planning on putting £750 behind the bar. £30 each on the op, then £30 each of your own money.

The overseas wedding is the country op originated from,she has a cultural and familial connection to it. That’s not show or fake,it is getting married at home

People wont bd spending £30 each on drinks. Why would they.

Why wouldn’t they?

I think it sounds fine. I've only been to one or two events where the bar was free; it's quite normal to pay, whatever the occasion. It sounds like your friends are happy to spend money on evenings out and I'm sure they will enjoy the opportunity to celebrate with you. I hope you have a great time.

Some people will drink more than others, it will even out.

A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite

so you send invites to those with kids knowing its going to take place in a bar, those with money issues (hey they are going to feel great about that) and I have no idea what you mean by lack of invite.

Have you considered that the country you have booked in may actually have restictions on how many people can attend an event? As Fauci said today even with a fully vaccinated set of people you still wont be eating out and going to the cinema.

I think that's fine. Our wedding was quite informal. We provided all the food and soft drinks, but asked people to provide their own alcohol.

I can’t help but think you are looking at this the wrong way round really.
ie. plan for the fact you have to fund the whole amount and be pleasantly surprised if your guests fund the shortfall. Otherwise perhaps it would be better to organise something with your £750 budget that fits.

If you do go for this option perhaps best to infer that it’s canapés and drinks with paid bar afterwards. But I do also agree with others that normally I would think that this is part of your wedding celebrations and is funded by you.

@SnottyLottie

Every wedding I’ve been to has been two free drinks at the bar and then you pay for your own. I am more than happy to do this and will usually buy another two-three on top of the freebies.

I've never been to a wedding where I've been expected to pay for food or drink. Its rude to expect people to pay to attend your event.

Its rude to expect people to pay to attend your event. You need to read the thread
No one is paying to attend the event.it’s bar with £750 free tab and pay thereafter
That’s not paying to attend an event,that is getting your purse out at the bar

You're using it to celebrate your wedding. So YOU should pay for it.

You can clearly afford it so stop being tight. If you can't afford it, then scale back your expectations.

People's salary's has nothing to do with this.

As I guest I wouldn't mind paying if I knew the couple couldn't afford it. But given you're having a very plush wedding abroad, it's clear you either can afford it or you haven't budgeted well.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee I think that depends. If the abroad wedding is getting married at home in the sense that there is a heavily traditional/cultural element to it, then it makes sense that the wedding is in 2 parts and no different to say a Hindu wedding that would have a registry office but and then the separate religious ceremony even if on the same day in the same UK country. The OPs family would understandably consider the second part the real wedding and I would absolutely concur.

However, if the OP is for example from and the abroad wedding is at a generic beach resort with generic officiant with no religious element, and they simply cannot be legally married there due to the fiancé not being resident in that country, then I would maintain that it is just for show.

Sorry meant to add - if they have a London wedding complete with reception first

Paying for your own drinks is one thing, but not food. That's just mean. Find somewhere cheaper if you can't afford it.

Its the norm where I am for weddings to have a pay bar - there might be a drink on the hosts but not all night. However even of I was buying my own drinks all evening I doubt if I would spend "£30ish" as I dont drink alcohol. Even at fancy London cocktail bar prices, I suspect its more alcohol free beer and mineral water than I could drink!!

Has anyone actually read what OP wrote, she's not asking people to pay up front or anything like that.

Personally I would spend was over the £30, as I think most people would. I reckon as long as food has been served and an arrival drink, glass for a toast people tend to expect to pay for their own drinks.

If it is short, £750 between 25 isn't alot then make up the difference.

OP has said she is paying for all the food.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Its rude to expect people to pay to attend your event. You need to read the thread No one is paying to attend the event.it’s bar with £750 free tab and pay thereafter That’s not paying to attend an event,that is getting your purse out at the bar

So many CF's on tonight seems no one ever pays for their own drinks here

OP, YABVU and well you know it, or you wouldn’t be trying to justify yourself on here.

Asking people if they are prepared to make a “minimum spend” at your wedding party indeed!

Your choice to hire this venue. Your choice to hold this event. Do it properly or don’t do it at all.

Sorry if that founds harsh, but I can’t believe you even need to ask this. I hope you have a lovely wedding abroad anyway.

Have wedding in London and honeymoon overseas.

I think it's fine. I'd do food and a toast and probably some wine.

If the minimum spend isn't met you could ask for wine to take home for any top up you have to make. Yes, it will be expensive wine but better than paying for nothing!

I think you'll easily cover £1500 anyway