people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

If I'd paid for flights and hotel to an abroad wedding, then found out there was another 'real wedding' with an actual white dress and celebration a few days before, I'd be pretty annoyed and wondering what was the point in me spending all my money going abroad.

I don't drink but wouldn't mind paying for my own drinks at a wedding if I did.
I guess the issue really is that you are paying for a fake wedding overseas too, which is a bit of a waste of money , but yyou expect your guests at your official uk wedding to offset this.
It does come across as a bit of a cf situation tbh.

@MaskingForIt

You don’t charge people to come to your wedding, it is terribly bad from.

You can afford to pay for it, but you’re paying for a fake ceremony holiday abroad for yourselves instead.

That is a unkind response

It’s really quite straightforward and despite protestations guests will now what to do

@VinylDetective

And you drunk?

That poster has a unique posting style. You’re not the first person to have asked that.

One of those, ok.

I hope the op gets has lovely event and it’s not affected by any unplanned restrictions

In London you'll easily get people who'll stay on and pay at least that, I wouldn't worry.

The op is suggesting those attending the Ldn event aren’t the overseas wedding guest
It’s a local do for colleagues,friends. Food, bar tab then paid for bar
Sound just fine, and probably v convenient in that those attending are not travelling huge distance and it’s a one night do

A glass of wine is about £5

What? I don't even live in London and you're not getting a glass of wine anywhere naice for a fiver!

I’ve only once been to a wedding where all drinks were free and that was held on a farm (belonging to the brides parents).

All other weddings it’s been a cash bar. However I’m not a big drinker. I’d have a couple of glasses of wine at most as would my dh. He might have a whisky at the end of the night as well.

@SeaShoreGalore

A glass of wine is about £5

What? I don't even live in London and you're not getting a glass of wine anywhere naice for a fiver!

Remember when wine was a fiver? Ahh...

2007 prices. :o

@lenovowarrior

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for. I definitely haven't. I am happy if there's a free bar for some of it, but I've never had a wedding where everything is included.

To repeat: no one is PAYING anything upfront. I am not asking for £30.

I am asking if it's likely they would spend (without knowing how much I need them to) the minimum.

I am thinking we spend £750 on food and a few hundred on some wine and champagne for toasts, then hope they all want at least £500 worth of drinks.

@lenovowarrior

I think your op wasn't very well written (if people skim read it, it would have seemed like you were asking them to pay upfront) & if you'd written it differently you'd have had more favourable replies. MN comprehension levels are shocking at the moment.

You'd have been better to have just written 'I want to organise a night out with 25 friends, there's a minimum charge for though. If I pay for the food, how much do you think people would spend on drinks?'

I think they'll easily spend £500-1000. Just spend what you're happy to spend on food/'champagne' (no need to be actual champagne)

& be prepared to top it up to £1500 after the event, but I doubt you'll need to!

I think in all my life I've attended one wedding that was free bar all day and night, and never have I begrudged paying for drinks after the welcome / meal. (Or in your case the welcome, as there isn't a sit down meal).

If this is a fancy hotel in London, with young professionals accustomed to London prices then £30 a person is nothing.

How about you out a tab behind the bar, when it runs out it switches to cash (largely expected) but instead of your guests knowing that they need to spend a certain amount, you just agree to cover any shortfall afterwards? Some guests will spend nothing more than the free drinks. Some may spend £100 on cocktails and shots.

(FYI for some respondents here, a free bar all day and night is not the custom in the UK, although I believe it is in the USA?)

MN comprehension levels are shocking at the moment
Agree. Wilful misinterpretation, doggedly repeatedly that she cannot charge guests
And then just plain old, contrarian well I had a free bar, I paid for everything and if you want anything that approximates to a magical day then you simply must pay for everything too...or don’t get married

Totally fine for people to pay for drinks themselves. I would definitely make sure there is plenty of free food.

@willstarttomorrow

Bloody hell OP - you are getting pure mumsnet! So you are asking people to come to your wedding celebration which is local, no fancy overnight stay expected or paid for, food and a few drinks provided. £30 each on drinks is not a huge stretch, just be prepared to make up any shortfall. A glass of wine is about £5 and tbh £60 on a night out as a couple is nothing really. It sounds lovely, my favourite wedding receptions have always been at a pub or restaurant rather than a 'Wedding venue'.

It had clearly been a lot longer than just lockdown since you bought a drink in london. Especially in a cocktail bar! 🤣🤣

I'd be happy to pay for £30 worth of drink at a wedding and I'm from Yorkshire and I'm tight! I'd be making a night of it, people have been stuck in for a year, they're not going to be bothered what they're spending after doing nothing for so long! Prices are much cheaper up here, I imagine in London it's much easier to go through £30

[quote Atrixie]@juice92

As a side note I am really surprised at the number of people who have said they wouldn't expect to buy a drink (or something similar) at a wedding. I thought that was just standard practice

It’s going to depend on your crowd. In our culture it’s absolutely unheard of to pay for drinks at a function. It just never happens. Likewise, I have only ever been to one wedding with a pay bar. I have been to events where the range of drinks is limited e.g no shots but nobody would expect a pay bar and often there will be a bottle of whisky / gin / ice and mixers on each table as well as a full bar.[/quote]
I've been to a few of those weddings... bloody brilliant. 14 courses of food, bottles of booze on all the tables, dancing at every chance. I do find the British weddings of massively expensive bar, in massively expensive venue a bit of a downer!

@lenovowarrior

The only thing is, my cousin did something similar, and they still billed her fir a chunk of the balance and said the guests didn't soend that much.

I can tell you we did. The wine was £12 a glass and there's about £8. The rounds were eye watering, but plenty were bought snd that was before the shots & special coffees!

So just be a bit aware of that.

I think you'd be fine. If you're spending £750 on 25 people for food and a bottle or two on each table and toasts, most people will think that's a good feed and happily pay for their own drinks after. This is what happens in real life - nobody I have ever known has expected a free bar all night at a wedding reception. (Ignoring abroad bit but that's your honeymoon with family 😂)
I've just looked up the most fancy / pricy hotel where I am (and I'm far from london prices) cocktails £14, spirits (without mixers) £16/17. Me and DH would have minimum 2 each prob.
Add to that the giddy fact that we are out-out and probably make a night of it.
I'd do it, but haggle the hotel down from £1500 to £1200 spend. You've nothing to lose they've no other bookings.

YABU, tight and unfair.

You want the fancy day with the sun and nice view but it isn't even legally binding!

For our wedding we paid for everyone's drinks at the reception and if I had my time again we would have at least offered to pay for the hotel for those that had to travel, I know they'd all have said no but I feel bad we didn't over. No way would we have had them buy their own drinks. It still annoys me two guests were charged as they didn't specify they were with us.

@Honeybobbin

So you'd be expecting them to spend £30 per head on top of free drinks? I would always be happy to pay for my own drinks, it's absolutely the norm round here, but there's no way I'd spend anywhere near that much. Not as an objection, just naturally it wouldn't happen. Especially if I'd had a couple of free drinks already. If people don't spend enough will you have to make up the shortfall?

30 is like what 2 maybe 3 cocktails in the city though

£30 is like what 2 maybe 3 cocktails in the city though

That’s four to six cocktails each. I wouldn’t drink that much on a night out. If dh and I were both out together, no way we’d drink the equivalent of £120. Maybe the op’s friends have very different budgets/alcohol tolerances.

@QueenoftheAir

I have never in my life paid for food or drinks at a wedding. In my family we’ve had most of the weddings in our houses, or a marquee in the garden, and it’s unthinkable that you’d not provide everything for your guests.

Yeah I think your experience of people having weddings in their houses doesn't translate to venue weddings.

Yes and That’s your wedding your preference. And it’s irrelevant to the op scenario @SunshineCake
I don’t think op is going to have a crisis of confidence and think well If sunshine thinks I’m stingy I’d better pony up and pay for it all