people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I’m so surprised so see all the unreasonable votes. A tab to get things going is generous enough

Why so your real , genuine friends need to get pissed in order to " have fun"
The world has gone mad.

At our wedding guests got a couple of toasting drinks and half a bottle of wine each. Anything else they wanted to drink they had to pay for. My Husband and I are not big drinkers and every wedding we have been to has had some element of cash bar so didn't see an issue doing it.

All I would say is be prepared to pay the difference if it isn't covered.

As a side note I am really surprised at the number of people who have said they wouldn't expect to buy a drink (or something similar) at a wedding. I thought that was just standard practice

It's fine. Paid bar, perfectly normal.
Sorry the majority of people on this thread are hard of reading.
Once your London guests have consumed £30 worth of food plus a glass or two of wine, they are highly likely to spend £30 each at the bar.
Then your small number of immediate famy members, attending the wedding in your home country, which, due to COVID and your husband-to-be thus being unable to meet the requirements for your wedding to be legal there, is no longer the legal wedding you originally planned, can attend that wedding.
OP isn't charging anyone
There isn't an overlap between the two events
She is paying for food and some drinks
She isn't forcing anyone to fork out for an expensive destination wedding, it's her original wedding, with her original guests. The London party is an extra as they now have to have a registry office wedding here, in addition to the original plan and would like to expand if to include people who weren't able to do the home country wedding.
What a bunch of nasty, spiteful bitches.
My only concern, OP, would be the possibility of a bit of a COVID case increase, so risking being unable to travel if you inadvertently had a guest who was asymptomatic. Particularly as you seem to be a younger demographic who may not all have been vaccinated by your chosen date.

I assume you wouldn’t tell anyone minimum spend? And just swallow it and pay if the amount didn’t get reached?

Reenskar

I’m sure they would still come but it’s really poor taste to expect people to pay to attend your wedding, sorry....

I agree, sorry.

I genuinely think posters pretend to be horse & hound set,all aghast at a paid bar
Feigning ignorance, making someone explain it,then fiercely declaring that’s not on,not polite or some such indignation
Of course have a paid bar,people know the drill, purse out to get drinks in

@EmJay19

I’m so surprised so see all the unreasonable votes. A tab to get things going is generous enough

Yes but there all alluding to how loaded they are,and apparently it’s vulgar to pay

Just slip a half bottle in your handbag and order a Coke,problem solved

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Hospitality doesn’t mean you pay for everything and your graspy guests expect to be fed

I don’t have any graspy guests. And it’s weirdly tight mentality to think that feeding guests at a wedding is ‘graspy’.

Role of guest is not to expect free gratis event

Role of guests is to show up to support the couple. It’s very kind of them to bother. Charging them is beyond vulgar.

If you're able to pick up the tab, then just an amount behind the bar, then pick up what doesn't get spent. If it's a good night, you'll smash the limit.

[quote TatianaBis]@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Hospitality doesn’t mean you pay for everything and your graspy guests expect to be fed

I don’t have any graspy guests. And it’s weirdly tight mentality to think that feeding guests at a wedding is ‘graspy’.

Role of guest is not to expect free gratis event

Role of guests is to show up to support the couple. It’s very kind of them to bother. Charging them is beyond vulgar.[/quote]
This is what's considered normal in the US. And the food is expected to be abundant and very good. If that's not affordable you invite fewer guests or do a big catered BBQ in your garden or a church hall.

[quote TatianaBis]@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Hospitality doesn’t mean you pay for everything and your graspy guests expect to be fed

I don’t have any graspy guests. And it’s weirdly tight mentality to think that feeding guests at a wedding is ‘graspy’.

Role of guest is not to expect free gratis event

Role of guests is to show up to support the couple. It’s very kind of them to bother. Charging them is beyond vulgar.[/quote]
It’s staggering that anyone could think guests “grabby” because they accept an invitation with a normal expectation that food and drink are provided. If you can’t afford to be a proper host, don’t issue an invitation.

No one is being charged, there is a bar with a £750 tab and paid for drinks thereafter
There isn’t a bouncer with a card reader charging guests for entry
Guests can attend,have free food,a free drink and chose not to pay at the bar
No one is under a compulsion to pay,it is not mandatory,there’re not being charged. Any shortfall will be meet by bride & groom

Hi OP, you have said there will be some food and some free drinks and I agree with @Weirdlynormal. I don't know why some posters are even going on about the wedding abroad, it's not relevant. I have never been to a wedding where all drinks are paid for for the whole night. Maybe these weddings do happen but no, never got lucky enough to be invited to one. Usually wine at a meal and then the bar, one free drink and pay for the next drinks yourself..

@juice92

As a side note I am really surprised at the number of people who have said they wouldn't expect to buy a drink (or something similar) at a wedding. I thought that was just standard practice

It’s going to depend on your crowd. In our culture it’s absolutely unheard of to pay for drinks at a function. It just never happens. Likewise, I have only ever been to one wedding with a pay bar. I have been to events where the range of drinks is limited e.g no shots but nobody would expect a pay bar and often there will be a bottle of whisky / gin / ice and mixers on each table as well as a full bar.

Food & drink is provide to all guests. Drink to a £750 bar tab. Paid bar when tab exceeded
Not fed?Charged entry fee? This wilful misreading it’s not endearing,it’s tiresome

Sorry OP but I would dip into my savings and cough up the rest of the money myself. If the city function was the only function you could afford I’d say your idea is ok but as you’re off overseas to a fancy hotel for the non legal wedding I think YABU.
Also what if only half the guests keep drinking after the free stuff runs out?

Guests are not being charged to be there. How dramatic.

Your plan sounds perfectly fine, OP.

I don’t get the main wddding, what’s the point if it isn’t legal

I got married abroad first time , Antigua but it was legally binding

None of this getting married in Uk first

Doesn’t make sense

Why do both

Get married here.

Have a holiday with friends abroad. It isn’t a wedding if not legal and you are already married

It's not a lot of money but you can't invite people and expect them to pay. It's your party, you feed and water everyone.

We paid for all food and drink, all day, for everyone we invited to our wedding. We also paid for hotel rooms for a few too. But we only has about 20 people in total. But when we were going to have a big wedding, we would also have paid for all food and drink.

Good for you @ElizaLaLa but it has no relevance
As the op has an alternative scenario with a finite budget.

Then she can't have a wedding 🤷‍♀️

You cant invite people to your party and tell them they need to pay for it. That's just a fucking liberty.

It’s staggering that anyone could think guests “grabby” because they accept an invitation with a normal expectation that food and drink are provided. If you can’t afford to be a proper host, don’t issue an invitation.

It’s truly bizarre.

If you’re getting married on a visa it is required