people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I wouldn’t drink £60 of alcohol at a wedding as I would probably be too drunk. I would use the bulk of the £750 for food and and then people are more likely to spend £750 on alcohol.
I probably would be a little surprised at having to buy my own drinks though. I live in London and friends are all professionals and not a single wedding we have been to has been a pay bar. Most weddings have been in DIY venues so wedding couple have bought alcohol in bulk and paid for caterers to serve.

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for.

I was a bridesmaid eight times in the 1950s/60s/70s all of which were paid for bars. I've attended sever since - some of which were paid bars and a couple not. I realise things have changed and it's now not the norm. Providing you pay for good quality/quantity food and put some cash behind the bar, after that runs out they buy their own. My only reservation is you aren't talking about drinks but cocktails which can cost a great deal more.

So fine to say after your cash runs out, they buy their own. Not fine to say they need to spend £30 a head.

I voted YABU on the basis of your first post, but then read further and realised I had misunderstood it.

If you are already paying £30 worth of food and drink per person, and then expecting them to pay anything over that, then I think that’s very reasonable. I think the issue might be that people might not then want another £30 of booze (regardless of who is paying for it) so you’ll end up plugging the gap with your own money for nothing.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

Yes, but for your wedding 'do' they would be consuming £60-worth - your first £30-worth and then another of their own. That's quite a lot of drinks....

I have no issue with a pay bar at a wedding.

At my cousin's wedding, wine and beer and soft drinks were free and spirits, sparkling etc you had to pay for. It was fine.

If your friends will likely buy bottles of champagne or other fizz, drink cocktails etc, then you will probably be fine. Otherwise...budget to underwrite the bill.

And don't choose a school night

@therocinante I’m in the UK and not from elite circles at all. It’s just not the done thing in my culture/social circle. As the host you are responsible for looking after your guests. If you can only afford to feed and cover the cost of all the drinks for 10 people - you have a party for 10 people. If you can cover all costs for 100 - you have a party for 100.....etc etc. I’d be so embarrassed to invite guests to my wedding party and expect them to pay for drinks as well as accepting gifts from them. I’m sorry.

I find it odd the order of your events? The London event should be after the one abroad, otherwise it’s a honeymoon?

@MissConductUS

We had an open bar at our wedding reception. It's considered tacky in the US to do otherwise. Even with cocktails before diner and top-ups during dinner, we only paid for an average of two drinks per guest. Some didn't drink at all, others had three or four. I understand that the norms are different in the UK.

I'd suggest looking for a smaller venue with a lower minimum spend or just biting the bullet and paying for it yourself.

I find it fascinating that it's considered tacky not to have a completely free bar (where some free drinks then a pay bar is pretty common in parts of the UK) yet it seems fine to ask the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses/hair/makeup (which is seen as pretty tacky here)

Not a judgement about which is better but it's really interesting how different it can be in different countries

@natalienewname

at people really wanting to come to your wedding abroad.

What's the bet 90% really don't want to but feel obliged to.

You can wrap it up all you like as a lovely holiday, and time to spend together with friends, and everyone has months of annual leave and it's such a handy location etc etc. But it's an imposition and so unnecessary.

And of course everyone will be achingly positive to your face. But they'll be sniping behind your back, or at least sighing at the thought of another 6am Friday flight from Stansted and schlep across to your venue for your self indulgence.

Only acceptable weddings abroad is either you or your groom are from that location, otherwise it's a exercise in selfishness, never mind the global pandemic, need to quarantine for 10 days, costs of multiple Covid tests.

As for the London plan, it's ok. Drinks after work basically. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay. If you invite, and they are your guests, you cover the cost. And you cut your cloth accordingly. Basic manners.

I’m guessing that you (and everyone else moaning about cf posh spaffy weddings abroad) haven’t RTFT. Op is from the country they’re travelling to, that was supposed to be their one and only wedding but because of covid the dh cannot meet the residence requirements to get married there, which is why they’ve had to book the registry office in london do. They’re not doing it to fanny about on a beach for the ‘gram, they’re doing it because of the logistics of organising a wedding where each ‘side’ lives in a different country during a global pandemic with constantly changing restrictions on travel.

I have been to something like you described by the bride and groom had a very small family only wedding. They then had a drinks reception one weekday evening for a few hours for their friends in London. However it was not at a bar and the drinks were provided.

Here is one point though that I’m not sure you have considered. You say the Covid restrictions will be over. Well even if they are they may still not. Let’s say out of your 30 a few have to self isolate as have been in contact with positive case and others may decide late they do not feel comfortable going into crowded venues if rates are going up even if restrictions have been lifted and they have been vaccinated. Even in pre-covid times you would need to assume a drop out rate due to illnesses, emergencies, childcare falling through or work pressures etc particularly if a week night. My point being out of the 30 invite invite you could end up with perhaps 20 to 25 there on the night. If you had 20 then you’re looking at £45 per head spend in the bar. Just something to consider.

@PrincessBuggerPants

Was hoping this trend for CFer weddings would die with Covid.

So true.

We had a friend who got married in August last year in Northern Italy. We were quite happy to let that friendship go and haven't looked back.

I don't want to be friends with people who have such skewed priorities anymore.

Op is from another country and her entire family is in that country. Therefore she will have a wedding there. But for legal reasons they need to do the registry office bit in the uk. What is so shocking about this?!

I have no problems at all paying for drinks at a wedding and it’s the norm at most weddings I have attended. However, I don’t think, even at London prices I would manage to spend another £30 on top of the free drinks. That would be quite a lot of drinks.

Is it possible to find another venue? If you had somewhere similar cost but more people you would be spreading the cost a bit more thinly. Or somewhere that was just cheaper. Friends of ours used the Dickens Inn (st Katherine’s dock) if you want suggestions 🙂

Don’t have free drinks . Simple.

I think your plan sounds fine and DH, me and our friends (back when we were young and child free) would probably have bought enough drinks after the free bar to cover it. But it would have been a risk, they might not. It's hard to tell really, especially without knowing your friends!

Is there a way you could make a call on the night? E.g. ask the bar manager to tell you when the free bar has ran out and if it's getting a bit late into the evening and doesn't look like many people are going to be buying more drinks buy a few bottles of champagne or something yourselves, and just give everyone a glass - at least that way you wouldn't be spending the money on nothing!

I went to a very posh wedding at a high end hotel. Food was free, wine was supplied but you had to buy drinks. I was 22 & spent £80 on alcohol.

Op I would see how much people spend then if it falls short top it up.

What’s the average £ per drink?

I wouldn’t put any money behind the bar, I’d pay for food & champagne for toasts.

I’ve never been to a wedding where there is a free bar either

It’s not the fact you’re expecting guests to pay for their drinks, it’s the fact there’s a minimum spend and it’s on a weekday and you’ll be wearing a wedding dress and it’s a warm up event prior the main event. It’s also not clear how people will feel about socialising after lockdown ends.

You are beyond unreasonable and tacky for even considering asking people to pay for your party.

Asking people to pay at a wedding - just no.

If you can’t afford to have a free bar that’s absolutely fine - don’t have a wedding with a bar.

And to those saying they've never been to a wedding with a totally free, open bar, I've never been to one that wasn't. Hold the wedding you can afford without inconveniencing guests.

find it fascinating that it's considered tacky not to have a completely free bar (where some free drinks then a pay bar is pretty common in parts of the UK) yet it seems fine to ask the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses/hair/makeup (which is seen as pretty tacky here)

Both are equally tacky and if MN is anything to go by plenty of people here ask their bridesmaids to pay too.

When I've been to weddings I expect to pay for drinks apart from a drink with the toast / arrival drinks. Surely £30 each would be so easy to spend I don't think yabu at all

At any wedding i’ve been to theres a few drinks provided. Normally one at the meal and one for a toast, always happy to pay for drinks afterwards. Some people wont spent £30 per head, some will spend over that so as long as you’ve money to cover costs then no problem.

I’ve never been to free bar wedding and wouldn’t ever expect that so YANBU

@Highfalutinlootin

And to those saying they've never been to a wedding with a totally free, open bar, I've never been to one that wasn't. Hold the wedding you can afford without inconveniencing guests.

Me neither.

They either have an open bar or they don’t have a bar but have free flowing wine instead.

I think you're jumping the gun to be honest. With covid there are no guarantees however optimistic Johnson would like us to be.

It's likely to not just be annual leave for the destination "wedding" but potentially quarantine periods in both ends too. Plus people aren't necessarily earning as much as they were and jobs aren't as stable.

Sound people out first.

I wouldn't advise committing in terms of eg non refundable deposits and similar at this stage. The announcement was only 2 days ago!

Not RTFT so sorry if this has been answered, but what would you do at the end of your guests hadn’t spent enough? I think people expect to buy drinks at a wedding, but not food and definitely not an entrance fee.

Hospitality is good cheer and bonhomie within one’s financial means
Hospitality doesn’t mean you pay for everything and your graspy guests expect to be fed,imbibe,and entertained all at bride and groom cost

If one can afford to pay complete costs for food,free bar etc then that’s clearly not an issue

However, many people have a finite budget and for that reason have a cash bar or limit on number of guests they invite. In order to manage the finite budget

Role of guest is turn up,be gracious,mingle,don’t complain

Role of guest is not to expect free gratis event