people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

@pussycatinchristmasstockings

The "fake" wedding is in the op's home country.
No one is being asked to pay. Just to buy their own drinks if they want more after the free ones are finished. Food is also provided. Think of it as after work drinks only with free food and some free drinks as well. What's wrong with that?

I went to a 60th birthday party which was also a retirement party a few years ago and we had to pay towards the costs.... it did feel odd, the ticket covered food, welcome drink and hire of the venue..... we did it though. A couple of her friends struggled (both financially) the ticket wasn't cheap.

Just chant 'SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS' every half hour or so and you'll be grand.

Personally, I don’t like when there are multiple events for the same wedding and I’d be a bit annoyed if I was one of those who HAD paid to go to the do a road then also be expected to come to/pay at the London thing. But then, I’m tighter than a crab’s a*se and really antisocial! Hope you enjoy your wedding.

I’m sorry but you cannot ask people to pay for drinks if you are the host. I’ve never understood this. A limited tab with the expectation that people will pay for their own drinks after that at a wedding?! Maybe for a birthday but it’s poor form for a wedding.

I’m sorry but you cannot ask people to pay for drinks if you are the host

Of course you can. We had a pay bar at our wedding. It's quite normal.

You have to provide food though.

Can I just add, I am really sorry but having had lots of friends who have one part of the couple coming from overseas and they therefore effectively do two weddings or a wedding and a party...the second event loses some momentum. If you are married, you are married - the second event loses something. If anything, I would recommend you don't have a party directly after you are married legally - people are going to be celebrating you are married at the drinks party. And then you are going to dress up as a bride and walk down the aisle for a pretend wedding? You can't legally get married twice.

@willstarttomorrow

I think you just invite people and see of they keep spending after the tab ends. If they do then all good, if not you will need to dip into your savings.

Yup. Also agree with the pp saying spend a decent bit on food so people feel looked after - nobody will expect a free bar.

And really don't understand pps bitter comments about the event being 'unneccessary': we've missed a year of fun, it's a night out with your friends not a chore

@Chaiandkaafee

I’m sorry but you cannot ask people to pay for drinks if you are the host. I’ve never understood this. A limited tab with the expectation that people will pay for their own drinks after that at a wedding?! Maybe for a birthday but it’s poor form for a wedding.

Of course you can? I've never been to a wedding where all the drinks were paid for guests - are you not in the UK, or are you on very wealthy circles? Most weddings I've been to you get a champagne reception type thing with a free drink (maybe two) and then one free drink for the toasts.

Surely you can put 750 behind the bar, give everyone a few free drinks tokens, then if they don't spend up to 1500 you top it up at the end of the night? Most people expect to pay for their drinks at a wedding or a party anyway, so any free drinks is a bonus.

I will slightly change my answer- i would come to your party, but i would think you are being cheeky trying to save £750 when you are having a ‘fancy’ ‘5 star’ ‘expensive’ wedding celebration in a few days.

I don't get the issue.

Go Head on the basis that you might have to sample up the shortfall

Don't tell your guests that they need to spend £30 you just risk it

I think a work night is risky and the whatever night buzz might not be quite the same as people may still be WFH

I wouldn't be so sure your abroad celebration will go ahead and I would maybe focus the attention on the UK one

.

[quote SnackSizeRaisin]@pussycatinchristmasstockings

The "fake" wedding is in the op's home country.
No one is being asked to pay. Just to buy their own drinks if they want more after the free ones are finished. Food is also provided. Think of it as after work drinks only with free food and some free drinks as well. What's wrong with that?[/quote]
But it's not a wedding as she will already be married by then?

Honestly OP if you can't afford the £750 quid, why are you having 2 "weddings" ?

I think it sounds lovely OP, and it's not like you are expecting people to guarantee to spend £30 each.

Some will spend more, some will spend less and as long as this is just for planning purposes and you don't tell them that they need to spend a certain amount (and are therefore prepared to pick up anything that is outstanding at the end) I don't see any issue at all. Most weddings give you some free drinks and then switch to a pay bar (apart from on mumsnet)

Have a lovely time

@GreenSlide

So the people you're really close to and who are taking leave from work and spending lots of money on your destination wedding won't be at your actual wedding, but lots of casual acquaintances will be

To answer your question, normally you pay for the food and they buy their own drinks. I would suggest sticking to that convention.

I expect the guests to the London event will see it this way as well, and the op may find people are n’t that enthusiastic about being a B list guest at an expensive venue.

Why choose an expensive place if you can't afford it?
If you need to charge guests then you definitely can't afford it .
If it impacts on your honeymoon then you really can't afford it.
Maybe set your standards to a more affordable level.
I'm fed up of hearing of bridezillas and their partners booking increasingly expensive hen/stag dos, weddings and honeymoons that they can't afford and resort to asking guests to pay for much of it.

@Frauhubert

I will slightly change my answer- i would come to your party, but i would think you are being cheeky trying to save £750 when you are having a ‘fancy’ ‘5 star’ ‘expensive’ wedding celebration in a few days.

^ This

Don’t know why you’ve asked on here. People on mumsnet hate weddings abroad, child free weddings and paid bars. They’ll rip apart and purposely misunderstand your post whilst falling over themselves to say how shit your plans are - you’re stingy, fake wedding etc. Absolutely school girl level bitchiness.

With regard to your question, it seems reasonable that a bunch of young, affluent Londoners will easily cover that tab but only you know how much your mates are likely to drink. As long as you are prepared to chance it and can cover the excess then it should be fine.

We are in the NW and my daughter would easily spend £100 on a night out so wouldn't flinch at £30 in London , she'd consider that a cheap night out !

The people who will be most pissed off will be those who have forked out for the fake wedding abroad that is just for show.
When now there's a cheaper alternative ... bit like seeing the dress you bought at full-price knocked down to £30 in a sale, isn't it?

I am thinking we spend £750 on food and a few hundred on some wine and champagne for toasts, then hope they all want at least £500 worth of drinks.

It'll be no problem! It's in London and drinks will be reasonably expensive wherever you are there, and will be used to the prices. People will appreciate that you have provided food.
But most of all, people will be socialising with each other in a public place after so long of not doing it due to Covid. so long as they earn a reasonable salary, they'll be happy to pay for anything.
I do struggle a bit imagining an 'after work do' with someone wearing a bridal gown though.....

If I was invited to an after work drinks for a friend to celebrate their recent wedding I'd be delighted. I'd be even more made up if there was a food and the odd drink thrown in for free but I would certainly expect to pay for some drinks, which could easily come to £30.

I'd be especially keen if it wasn't early/ midweek although a Thursday/ Friday would be fine. Also would be better not to tell guests you're hoping they'll spend £30 each but if I've read your OP correctly you're not intending to do this, and just going to make up the shortfall if needed.

Frankly I've been out after work in London for all sorts of occasions and spent similar and more, its standard for many people. Only thing I'd wonder is how much people are going to be back in their offices post Covid, but even if working from home I'd come out for a friends celebration.

It’s fine - there’s never a free bar at Irish weddings and everyone still goes

God some of these responses are just horrible. What’s wrong with people

Op we would fully expect to and happily pay for our drinks at a wedding and we would also happily go to thr wedding abroad of someone close. As would every single person we know.

Ignore these horrible bitchy comments. It says more about the people posting them than they want people to know.

I had a small wedding, we didn’t have a minimum spend but we had our party in a bistro style place. We had a tab and DH and I settled the bill. There was no question of any of our guests paying for anything. We covered food, fizz, beers, juice for the children and everything in between. It just seemed the right thing to do in a small venue. I would have been mortified to ask them to pay for anything When the numbers were so small. Had we had a big wedding I probably would have had a cash bar. Not sure why it’s different but to me it is.