people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I’ve been to dozens of weddings in the last few years and at every single one guests have bought their own drinks in the evening (wine normally provided on the table with the sit down meal) Never known a free bar all night. So i think it’s fine, as long as your guests aren’t told they need to be spending £30 each!!

@SplendidSuns1000

It's a ridiculous idea. I live comfortably and still wouldn't spend that money, especially on top of travel, accomodation, etc.

It's after work in London. No travel or accommodation other than a tube ride.

How long will they be there?
If you have nice food and entertainment and about 4 hours party, then yes they should spend that much.

It’s not a “fake” wedding abroad. It is the only wedding.

No, I think you have it the wrong way round. The UK wedding is the actual wedding and the abroad celebration/party is the one with no legal standing that is not an actual wedding according to the OP.

OP I think your party sounds great and you are right that people are desperate for a party. Your minimum amount is pretty likely to be covered.

People calling your wedding abroad a ‘fake’ wedding are beyond rude

Another element I don't think came across is that if we don't spend £1500, so people don't drink enough, we are essentially throwing that money away. If 25 people won't eat and drink that much food then the whole thing is pointless.

I wouldn't mind paying at all.

However, if you don't want there to be any waste you might be disappointed. I'm not sure 25 people are going to get through an average of £60 each on a week night after work.

Depends on your group of friends? I reckon mine would easily spend that 😆

I think you have to provide food if you are hosting any type of event. I wouldn't expect to be provided with free drink all night at a wedding. I think i have only ever been to 1 where this has been the case.

Another thought though, do you have to call it a wedding? Why not a joint hen/stag or simply a party to celebrate your upcoming wedding and lifting of restrictions? That way there should be less expectation?

Honestly if you were my pal i would just be happy to be able to celebrate 🍾 after a pretty crappy year. You know your nearest and dearest best and hopefully they won't judge! Congratulations on your wedding when it comes

YABU. Pay for your own celebrations.

It’s the height of CFery to host something for a wedding and not pay. Have a pay bar at the end of the night by all means, but you need to be prepared to pay the cover the minimum spend if it’s not met.

Also, while all restrictions may be going I suspect Covid-19 is here to stay- don’t bet on being allowed to hold your do at the end of the year...

Find somewhere cheaper. London does not lack!

It doesn’t but you’d be amazed at how many “free” spaces have a high minimum bar charge - we looked at one for an event where the ‘function room’ was free...but the minimum bar spend was £3k. And that wasn’t even in London.

Might be better to pay for a venue and not have the stress of the bar tab?

similar situation for DDs 18th, small restaurant family of 30 or so invited ranging from grandparents to early teens. There was a mimimim spend of €1500. ( Ireland) We calculated food was to cost around €750 and we also had a Prosecco reception max wine for the tables that cost €250. That left a bar tab of €500 guests to get a few drinks. Our initial concern was our guests wouldn’t drink €550 worth and we’d be paying €1500 for only, let’s say, €1300 of food and drink. Turned out we need not have worried. Everyone had a few drinks and when the minimum spend was met the bar staff very subtly and politely advised the free bar was over and everyone bought their own there after, delighted to have gotten a few drinks free already . You could cover the first drink maybe leaving the shortfall less.
Personally, I never would have considered expecting guests to make up the shortfall on the minimum spend as we choice the venue and agreed to the minimum spend.

People calling your wedding abroad a ‘fake’ wedding are beyond rude

It is a fake wedding. The real, legal wedding takes place first, in London, with the party/reception in London immediately after it.

People wouldn’t expect a freebie all night. Putting some money behind the bar is great and a nice gesture to everyone. BUT I think it’s different if you expect people to spend x amount. Chances are, you’d hit the 1500. But be prepared if it falls short and you have to top up. But no, you can’t ask people to come and spend x amount. They shouldn’t even need / have to know about the arrangement you have with the bar.

I think it's a lovely idea.

I have never attended a wedding where all the drinks were free. Its not like you plan to have a bouncer on the door saying '£30 entry please'.

As others have said though you may need to prepare to make up the shortfall if people do not spend as much or fewer people attend than anticipated.

So I have once been to a birthday party in a very famous members club in London near Green Park. Your London Wedding scenario was basically the birthday scenario- my friend informed me that they had paid for 2 drinks per person for everyone and there were some light snacks and canapés and a birthday cake included. She also informed me that after the 2 initial drinks we need to buy our own (fine) and could we please make sure we drink lots (wtf) because the venue gave her the room hire for free and she was also hoping for the guests to cover her cost.
Everything else aside, WHY would you throw a party in the first place if you can’t really pay for it? I could never understand this attitude.
Just to say, the birthday party was so bad, everyone felt pressured to buy drinks all the time, the staff were grumpy because apparently we weren’t spending and drinking enough, i was really only thirsty so kept buying mineral water and they were so funny about it.
My friend could definitely afford the extra money, she just didn’t want to.
So no! Terrible idea. Don’t make people pay for your party.

I’ve read the thread and apologies if I missed it OP but which weeknight is it? Far more likely to hit the spend on a Friday.

Even at £10 a cocktail that would be 3 drinks on top of what’s free. I don’t think you’d hit minimum spend, as some might drink that much, others will just call in for a couple of drinks to wish you well.

Hope you have a lovely day, and a lovely trip, whatever you decide

Can I suggest that you either re-negotiate with your current venue or find another venue without a min spend. We're coming out of a scenario where venues are not in a position to dictate ridiculous (and they have always been ridiculous!) minimum spends still. Boils my piss. And before anyone moans. I've been in event management for 25 years. Approach a venue finding agency, dictate your terms and they'll do the leg work. They get their fee from the venue for the booking. The reality is they will of course get the spend but without you having to be stressed all night waiting to see if the minimum spend has been reached. I am sure there will be some lovely venues in London very happy for the booking.

There seems to be a lot of people not reading your OP properly, nowhere does it state you are asking for a payment to attend.

My advice would be to put 750 quid behind the bar then let people pay for drinks then at the end of the night, pay the difference if you haven't reached the full 1500 quid and don't bother to tell people about it, they will drink more.

You should put on a buffet at least, wedding guests expect food, they don't always expect free drinks though.

@edwinbear

OP I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here. Personally, I'd love to go to a small intimate party right now, in a private venue, with some fantastic paid for, food, a couple of free drinks, then the ability to spend my own cash on a few more. I'd definitely spend £30 easily and I think it sounds lovely.

This

@HauntedPencil the point being if I had forked out ££££ to attend the wedding abroad, which op has said is not legally binding, but they now have a party after the legal wedding, which is a few days before the fake abroad wedding, I would feel like a mug.

@MummyBobbles

Can I suggest that you either re-negotiate with your current venue or find another venue without a min spend. We're coming out of a scenario where venues are not in a position to dictate ridiculous (and they have always been ridiculous!) minimum spends still. Boils my piss. And before anyone moans. I've been in event management for 25 years. Approach a venue finding agency, dictate your terms and they'll do the leg work. They get their fee from the venue for the booking. The reality is they will of course get the spend but without you having to be stressed all night waiting to see if the minimum spend has been reached. I am sure there will be some lovely venues in London very happy for the booking.

great idea!

Not RTFT shoot me now
You are having, essentially, two weddings?
One legally-binding in the UK first.
One fancy "foreign" fake "Main Wedding" piss up holiday later.
And you expect those invited to an "after work type drinks do" to pay for the privilege of seeing you after you've legally married, and you're wearing a "white dress" but, I'm guessing, not the one for the fake MW pay because you can't afford the extra £750?

£750

and you want them to pay for your "do"??

If you can't afford it, don't do it.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I voted YABU. You can’t expect guests to pay entry fee for wedding. Sorry. The most I’ve seen done is a pay for bar for alcoholic drinks, but even then the couple had two bottles champagne for each table provided with the food. Even then, lots of people complained.

You could say in invitations that you’re happy to take a small cash contribution instead of a wedding gift, and that would offset the costs.

Oh no!!! You can't ask for a cash contribution - that is a horrendous idea!! I'd rather pay for my drinks (and to be honest i'd rather pay for the drinks that i want rather than the warm, cheap white wine you generally get at weddings) and i'd buy a gift.

Can you arrange some food for everyone?

If a friend couldn't afford a wedding I would have no issues paying.
You said these people were invited to your wedding abroad but couldn't come - if they were coming how much would you have spent on them then?
Since they are all wealthy (by your description) its likely if you are inviting them to drinks they will bring a present. There is nothining wrong with settting a bar limit...but planning it so you expect each person to end up paying £30 after they know you are having a wedding at a 5 star hotel is a bit awkward in my opinion.

No. I wouldn't go if I was invited to this.

You wouldn't go to a bar to celebrate a wedding of a friend, in a convenient nearby location, when food and a free drink was provided? Why not?

I think it's fine. I think you and groom should pay 2/3 - you can be pretty certain 25 guests will spend £500 and can relax on the night. Have you actually costed canapés for 25 people - they might be tiny but they won't be cheap.

If your friends are anything like our friends were 20 years ago I'd put money on someone getting over excited and ordering 17 flaming sambucas - tab covered by 9.30.

Two issues raised in other posts - will they all definitely be back in the office? And which night of the week is it?

And how do you handle the MW guests - are they invited to both? One? Will they care? Anyone likely to be offended at missing one or the other?